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Noodles....we Canadians like to laugh at ourselves :lol:
Those stories were hysterical - DH and I laughed so hard! :lol3: |
Noodles, I laugh so hard I cried! HA!
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YAY! Glad I could make you laugh... :smug:
The one I thought was semi-disgusting was the kid and his butt. Ewww!! :tied: |
Stinky Curtain Rods...
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multi-million dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed.
He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit, Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth. But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods. RIGHT ON LADY!!! :bravo: |
:lol3: **** hath no fury like a woman scorned!
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:lol3: **** yeah..
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A Small White Dot!!
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. "It's a period," he replied. I see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?" Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one. Mommy fainted, daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the army." |
Did you hear about the blonde that...
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. 3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter. 4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years" 5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. 6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button. 7. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C". 8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French fries. 9. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125. 10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets. 11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel. 12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree. 13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds" 14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms. 15. What goes vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc? A blonde at a flashing red light. |
:lol3: :rofl: :lol3:
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Italian Men...
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt..... .......One button at a time. .......No one moves. .......He removes his shirt. .......Muscles ripple across his chest. .......She gasps. .......He whispers: "Iron this, and get me something to eat." :rolleyes: |
Doggy Nair
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
Veterinarian who found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from happening again she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week!" |
Sleepy Cat! How'd He Do It?! (Great Pic!)
Check out this cat!! This is my aunts next-door neighbors cat.
http://home.comcast.net/~noodles913/Zzzz_Cat.jpg |
ohh Noodles that cat is too funny. reminds me of last week my Nugs was found sleeping in the back of my SIL's car she stopped by to run errands got ready to drive off and there he was in the back window snoozing away. she came in laughing said she almost stole my cat.
but how in the world did the kitty fit up in there? lol |
Quote:
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Papa Bear, Baby Bear and Momma Bear
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge? "he roars." Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? "It was ME Momma Bear who got up first, It was ME Momma Bear who woke up everyone in the house, It was ME Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was ME Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was ME Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was ME Momma Bear who set the table, it was ME Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish AND now that you've decided to drag your sorry asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence. " "Listen good, cause I'm only going to say this once . . . I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET !! " :stars: |
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