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Old 09-09-2011, 09:23 AM   #1  
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Hey all,

I just need some support. I look at myself in the mirror these days..and struggle to find something that I like. I stare at my free weights at night..and convince myself there is no need to pick them up because it won't make a difference. I'm in a funk. Surely this could be PMS (sorry if that's TMI for the guys) but it's also representative of much more. I'm using this weight to keep people away from me...and though I'm sick of the isolation, it's comforting at the same time. I envy those in relationships and wonder if I'll ever find love. I'm disgusted at the fact that I might have to buy size 24 pants for the fall season. I have plenty of quality clothes in size 18 and 20 (and even then I thought I was huge) but it doesn't seem like they'll fit by October. I don't know what I'm trying to get at...any advice?

Am I making any sense?

Hope you all had a better week than I did!
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Old 09-09-2011, 09:28 AM   #2  
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Hey all,

I just need some support. I look at myself in the mirror these days..and struggle to find something that I like. I stare at my free weights at night..and convince myself there is no need to pick them up because it won't make a difference. I'm in a funk. Surely this could be PMS (sorry if that's TMI for the guys) but it's also representative of much more. I'm using this weight to keep people away from me...and though I'm sick of the isolation, it's comforting at the same time. I envy those in relationships and wonder if I'll ever find love. I'm disgusted at the fact that I might have to buy size 24 pants for the fall season. I have plenty of quality clothes in size 18 and 20 (and even then I thought I was huge) but it doesn't seem like they'll fit by October. I don't know what I'm trying to get at...any advice?

Am I making any sense?

Hope you all had a better week than I did!
I'm sorry you're in a funk of sorts, I think everyone has their own funks from time to time. This one WILL pass. You will start seeing a difference! Look how far you've came ! Also, look at it like this. If you don't do anything to MAKE a difference then you won't SEE a difference later on.

Keep your head up! You WILL get there.

Also, I wear a 24 in pants because I don't like pants that "hug" to me lol. I also have plenty of 22 and 20's but I'm too chicken to try them on
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Old 09-09-2011, 09:38 AM   #3  
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I have struggled with those thoughts before too, but look ... you are headed in the right direction. None of us got fat overnight, and we are not going to get healthy overnight. This is a journey, that will most likely take years. Once we get to our goal weights we have to continue to make healthy choices everyday for the rest of our lives. We are gonna have days/weeks where we feel like giving up, but the end result has to mean more than the moment. There are so many reason I want this, some are vanity reasons, and some are very real, too real. I have kids I wanna watch grow up .. I wanna meet my grandkids and see me kids grow up. I really think I want another baby which I am not healthy enough to have right now. Etc. Etc. Etc. So my advice is dust your self off and pick yourself back up. It ain't gonna be easy but it will be worth it!!
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Old 09-09-2011, 09:54 AM   #4  
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I do know what that feels like.

These feelings really do come and go all throughout the weight loss process.

The good news is that each time we resist them, every time we pick up those weights in spite of the negative emotion... we strengthen our resolve to continue forward.

Every positive change we make, every healthy habit we work on building truly leads us away from those negative thoughts.

It's not all sunshine and lollipops. However, more often than not it can be a positive experience.

Quote:
I stare at my free weights at night..and convince myself there is no need to pick them up because it won't make a difference.
"Self, that is a bold-faced lie. Every day that I exercise makes a difference. Every day that I eat on plan makes a difference. Every day I take the stairs, park further from the building, choose fruits and vegetables, drink water, take a walk, follow a DVD, cut my portions in half at a restaurant... it all makes a difference. I need to accept it. Telling myself it "doesn't make a difference" is sabotaging and will lead me to NOT doing those wonderful activities... and, self, that's what keeps me the same."
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Old 09-09-2011, 10:56 AM   #5  
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Sending BIG SMILES TO YOU TODAY....I know the feeling. I keep looking at my choices....If I do nothing absolutely nothing will change (in fact, it might get worse). If I do something (workout, eat lighter), at least I have a chance to make things better!!!!

Here is my mantra, everyday:
1) I am not happy at our current weights;
2) Persistence WILL PAY OFF. If I keep making good choices, something good will happen;
3) I am in control of me. I may not be in control of everything else but I can control my choices today.

I keep telling myself that this is my last year looking like this. I'm treating like my graduation. If I keep making good choices, this is my last year in women's sizes, this is my last year having to squeeze into an airplane seat, this is my last year not going swimming with my kids, this is my last year hiding when from my husband's co-workers because I don't want them to see how big I've gotten, this is my last year not going to amusement parks because I can't fit on some of the rids. I get happy just thinking of all of my LASTS. Try making a LAST LIST....It's fun!

I started in a 24, somewhat fitting 22. I am now an 18 W (I am allergic to scales of all types!). I tried on a regular 18 and it was a little smug but I zipped them UP!!!! Here's to us and a great rest of the day.
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Old 09-09-2011, 11:15 AM   #6  
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3) I am in control of me. I may not be in control of everything else but I can control my choices today.
I have to say this to myself quite often! When everything around me is chaos, i tend to turn to food, lately i tell myself i can't control/fix the chaos, but i can control/fix myself.

I have those days where i feel like a 2 lb loss isn't worth all the hard work that it takes. Where i feel like i will never make it into the 200's nevermind getting near goal. Usually it is the week leading up to TOM. I get so full of self hatred at that time and it is hard to fight myself at times because i am pretty stubborn!

Pick up the weights, you will feel better. Some days i fight going on my recumbent bike, eventually i'll get on and do my 30 mins, afterwards i feel so good and wonder why i was fighting it in the first place.

P.S- the things i like most about myself can't be seen in a mirror ;-) Don't let that mirror beat you down!
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Old 09-09-2011, 12:54 PM   #7  
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As usual, I ended up writing a book on the subject. And I ended up summing it up in the last sentence so well, that the rest probably is uneccessary (but I'm not deleting all that work, just out of pure stubborness). So if you want the condensed version, here it is:

Your 14 lbs puts you at the head of this race. Sure there may be 10,000 people ahead of you, but that doesn't put you in last place because of the 1,000,000 people behind you.


If you have time to kill, here's the rest of what I wrote:



Whether we have 10 lbs or 400 lbs to lose, we're taught to feel this way. It's in the template we all use for weight loss, because it's how we see it done, in our culture.

I'm convinced that the reason long-term weight loss success rates are are so dismal - we're taught ineffective strategies. We blame ourselves for being lazy, crazy, or stupid, because we're taught that too. We're taught to believe that only the final, "goal weight," perfect, magic number counts for anything, so that if we ever suspect that we may not get there (and we're taught to expect that too) then it doesn't matter, "there's no use," "might as well give up now."

We're taught to see a "no loss" week (or whenever we check the scale) is every bit as bad as a gain - so if it's "just as bad," we might as well have that gain (because then at least we get to eat what we want).

We define success in such a way, that we're almost never able to experience it, and then we wonder why we give up. We think everyone else is having more success than we are (because we see all the people doing better than we are, and none of the people behind us, envying our success).

I whined to my doctor a couple years ago that I should be able to lose at least 2 lbs a week, like "a normal person," rather than the pitiful (I thought) one pound per month I was losing (and at 360 llbs, even many people here would agree with me).

My doctor didn't agree, he reminded me that normal wasn't losing 2 lbs every week, normal wasn't losing 1 lb a month. Normal is losing nothing, or gaining or losing for a few weeks and then giving up and gaining it all back. He reminded me that just by losing 1 lb, and maintaining that 1 lb, and continuing to work at losing "just one more" put me at the head of the race, not trailing behind.

We tend to only see the people doing better than we are, not the people behind us (because we're not looking for them).

We're also taught to diet by the self-hatred method. That doesn't work well for me, because I find it hard to hate myself. I'm an optimistic person by nature, and whenever I would diet by self-hatred and self-punishment, I'd eventually get sick of hurting myself and I'd give up. I had to look at weight loss, the foods I ate, and the activity/exercise I accomplished as ways to pamper my wonderful self, not punish the bad me.

People tend to avoid going out of their way to help people they hate. I learned that if I hated myself, there was a really good chance that I wasn't going to be motivated to help the person I hated, even if the person was me.

I also had to stop looking at "the magic number" - there is no magic number, and every pound counts. After I lost only 35 lbs, my sleep apnea disappeared and I didn't have to sleep with a cpap machine every night. I've made so many health improvements, that I've vowed to myself that even if I can lose not a single pound more, I still want to maintain the weight I've lost, because I don't want to be in the place that I was when I started.

You've lost 14 lbs, and those 14 lbs are valuable, and are worth keeping (even if you never lose another ounce), but if you maintain your loss, you probably will lose more - because the skills required for weight maintenance are nearly the same as losing. I found that if my goal was maintaining, I could focus on "just one more" pound, and I haven't found that impossible yet.

When the weight loss is slow, it can feel impossible, because we're taught that too. It has taken me seven (yes 7) years to lose 94 lbs. I'm not going to justify the slowness of my weight loss, or claim that I couldn't lose faster - but I'm also not going to beat myself up or apologize to myself or anyone else for the lack of speed. It's an astonishing accomplishment exactly as it is (especially since I've never in my life before lost weight without rapidly gaining it back and some more to spare).

I heartily recommend joining a TOPS (taking off pounds sensibly) group. It's affordable. You pay $26 for national dues when you start (and every year - in January it's going up to $28), but that includes a monthly magazine. And you pay monthly dues (in most cases under $5. Each chapter votes and determines their monthly dues, and in most cases there are ways to earn free dues. For example in our chapter, because I lost weight in August, I have earned October dues free. If I lose in September, I will learn November's dues free). There are also usually contests in which you can win small prizes (every week everyone donates a dime to our biggest loser contest. Alll the dimes are given to the person who has had the biggest loss that week).

The contests are fun and sometimes silly, but it's the support that is so key. You see what normal weight loss really looks like (if you really look - and don't just look at the people doing better than you are). I've been in TOPS groups on and off (mostly off) for more than 20 years, and it was only this year that I realized how very small the average weight loss is for folks. Even though our TOPS group has won state recognition for best average weekly weight loss, the net loss each week is usually between 5 and 15 lbs (and often there's a net gain) for 25 members. That's not even half a pound per week - and it's not like it's a group of women with almost no weight to lose. We have 6 male members (and men tend to lose faster), and we have about 1/3 of the members who have less than 30 lbs to lose, another third who are obese, and another 1/3 in the morbidly obese and super obese category (we have at least 5 or 6 members between 280 and 450 lbs).

I also learned in TOPS that almost everyone has at least one gain per month. I would never have known that, except that we do an "apple tree contest." At the start of the contest, everyone has a paper apple with their name on it, on a paper tree. If you miss a meeting (very few people do) or gain, your apple falls from the tree. At the end of the month everyone still on the tree splits $10 (and if no one is left, the money rolls over to next month). Most months only 2 people (out of 25) get to split that $10. Last month no one was on the tree (so this month the prize to split will be $10).

In the year I've been a member, I have never won the apple tree contest (mostly because I gain 6-10 lbs every month with TOM).

I know I'm writing a novel here, but motivation and a sense of success are so important to weight loss. And it's almost impossible to feel successful and stay motivated the way most of us are taught to diet. It's no wonder that the success rates are so poor. We're taught to see failure where there is actually success. How can we succeed if we assume we're failing, when we're actually doing better than 90% of the people trying?

Your 14 lbs puts you at the head of this race. Sure there may be 10,000 people ahead of you, but that doesn't put you in last place because of the 1,000,000 people behind you.
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Old 09-09-2011, 01:27 PM   #8  
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You're right, you will never get "there".

For people (like us) who have struggled with serious weight issues, there is no "there". There is no finish line. There is no end.

Yes, one day, we will achieve a healthy number on the scale. But, that day is really just the beginning, not the end. We will have to eat better and exercise more forever.

I spent a good 5 years being resentful about this fact and not losing much weight. But, I've finally accepted it and am willing to work with that in mind.

Kim Benson (www.kimbenson.com) says it best, "The only way you'll never lose weight is if you stop trying".

I just read her book, Finally Thin, and was so inspired. She lost 212 lbs and has kept it off for like 9 or 10 years.

I would highly recommend that you get or borrower her book. She tells her story, but the book also outlines most of the major weight loss programs out there today and lists the positives and negatives of each. There are also some great recipies.

If you're feeling too overwhelmed to actually start eating better and exercising right now, that is OK.

Start reading every motivational piece of weight loss literature you can get your hands on.

Start reading other people's stories. Stories of people who have actually done what seems so impossible to you now.

Also, you might think about going to OA. It may not be your thing, and that's ok, but it is worth a try.

Last edited by beginme; 09-09-2011 at 01:30 PM.
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Old 09-09-2011, 08:06 PM   #9  
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P.S- the things i like most about myself can't be seen in a mirror ;-)
Wow, that's a pretty powerful statement. I love it!!!
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Old 09-13-2011, 10:31 PM   #10  
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Kaplods - I ALWAYS find time to read everything you say!!!!!!!!

When I see you avatar I am thrilled, as I know you will eloquently voice so many things I think and/or feel yet don't articulate nearly as well as you!

Kudos to you my friend!!!!
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Old 09-13-2011, 11:51 PM   #11  
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PMS is a hard time, I feel like that to that I'm alone and that I don't matter etc, when I feel well (non PMS time) I think that's silly, I have afew friends maybe not as many as other people have but I've been a pretty nice person for the greater part of my life and that counts for something.

Oh and if you think that working out is just about losing weight, and the lbs aren't motivating you there are other reasons to workout. I workout, as part of a lifestyle change it makes my life better. I started step aerobics 2 years ago I am STILL 320 lbs I have gained and lost weight during that time whats different? I can do a lot more cardio, I am most definitely stronger. Even though I am petrified of heights I now trust my upper body strength enough to get up and down on a ladder. Etc.

I own fabulous clothes in 24's and I know you are working on losing weight so you might not want to buy a LOT of clothes at your current size but you should have at least an outfit (or two depending on your budget) that makes you feel cute, yes you can be cute at size 24.

Hope you are feeling better!
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Old 09-14-2011, 09:11 AM   #12  
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Originally Posted by free1 View Post
Here is my mantra, everyday:
1) I am not happy at my current weight;
2) Persistence WILL PAY OFF. If I keep making good choices, something good will happen;
3) I am in control of me. I may not be in control of everything else but I can control my choices today.
Wow, that is a powerful mantra! I hope you don't mind if I borrow this for myself!
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Old 09-14-2011, 11:53 AM   #13  
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In times past, I've always gotten hung up on the big picture. I wanted so bad to be at goal and live at a healthy weight. I either never took the time to fully appreciate me for me or I appreciated me too much and got too comfortable. I love Miley Cyrus' Song "the climb." I think the words speak volumes for weight loss:
Quote:
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb
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Old 09-14-2011, 04:50 PM   #14  
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One of the things that I've had to accept is that picking up the weights/swimming 30 laps/walking three miles just once isn't going to have any visible change. It's the repetition of these activities over time that add up, and that transform us.

This isn't really a whole lot of comfort when you want to fit into cute clothes, look better, and be healthier right-the-heck-now. And, let's face it; we all kind of want that. It's discouraging, and sometimes I feel like it's totally unfair. I'm going to the gym five days a week; I'm lifting weights and breaking a sweat and doing everything a fit person should be doing, and I still look like I've spent the entire week playing World of Warcraft and munching on Zesty Salsa Combos.

What helped me was looking at as a sort of inevitable thing. If I live like a fit, healthy person, then I will eventually be a fit healthy person. It won't be all at once, but it will absolutely be. There's no way that it can't be. The only way it'll not happen is if I quit doing it. And, as others have said, even if I'm huffing and puffing on treadmill easy mode, I'm still streets ahead of the people who haven't done anything. And that's a lot of people.

You've already lost 14 pounds, and that's pretty cool. What you're doing is working, and you're awesome for attempting it. Keep on pressing on!
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Old 06-18-2012, 01:15 AM   #15  
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People tend to avoid going out of their way to help people they hate. I learned that if I hated myself, there was a really good chance that I wasn't going to be motivated to help the person I hated, even if the person was me.
Wow-this is definitely an eye-opener for me! I think I'm finally starting to get that light-switch moment that so many people talk about getting - the toughest part seems, at least for me, to be the first couple of weeks. I will get there!

Thanks for the three point mantra! I think that's going on my fridge in the morning!

Last edited by jens985; 06-18-2012 at 01:20 AM.
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