i just want to chime in here, and say that the most wonderful man will turn up when you aren't expecting it to happen. i met my husband on okcupid, and at my highest weight. i was just a couple months out of a really bad break up and just starting to feel like i was over it when he showed up in my 'quiver match' section. his picture showed him to look a bit like john f. daly (dr sweets from bones). so i snooped his profile and saw that it said we were like 90% match, and 8% enemies. pretty good numbers to me so i sent him a stupid cheesy message like "the internet thinks we're compatible!" and other intro mess. 3 weeks later we had our first date, and two and a half years later we were married.
i wasn't looking, neither was he. we had originally thought to go out as friends, but it didn't stay that way. he was leaving for school, i was hating men after the break up. wasn't sure if i wanted to try again. but it happened, and i'm very glad it did. (see my wedding photos in the general chatter board!)
it doesn't really matter what medium you meet guys through. online, in a bar, through a friend, speed dating, etc. you're gonna find the same general ratios of jerks to decent guys. there are definitely a lot of frogs out there, but your prince will come along eventually. i didn't meet mine until right after my 25th birthday. best dating rule i ever heard is don't settle for less than what you want. settling will lead to unhappiness and it's not fair to anyone.
oh, and, give nerds a try. great advice that one. my hubby's such a nerd. but you've got to be more confident and aggressive with that type because they tend to be shy and quiet, but generally a nice bunch!
I was a late bloomer and didn't have any interest in the opposite sex till I was nearly 20/21 years old. I think I shut off that part of myself for as long as possible. I never had crushes on anyone in high school, never liked anyone, never pictured myself with anyone. I genuinely just didn't care. Then when I got older I started to want to date, I wanted male companionship, maybe even a boyfriend. But because I spent all my teenage years being pretty much asexual, I didn't know how to interact with men, I didn't know how to flirt, or how to date. I did start dating when I wanted to, but not necessarily with the kind of men I wanted to be with. I learned quickly that a lot of guys just wanted sex-- I have a complex about this, I think that's all men want me for. I notice thin women feeling flattered by sexual attention... I am never flattered by it, because it's so easy to get sexual attention from men, you don't have to particularly special or beautiful or hot.
Wow this really struck a nerve. The same thing happened to me. I was uncomfortable with my sexuality for a lot longer than most of my peers. I didn't get my first kiss until I was 19. When I was 19-21 I engaged in some heavy college make out sessions but I felt like taking it further wasn't even a consideration. I was just super uncomfortable with the whole thing. At this point I was 175 lbs, 5'10, DD boobs (maybe larger) and size 10 jeans. I had this very curvy/sexy body but felt really uncomfortable in it. Then sometime around 22-23 I actually felt like I "could" have sex. I pretty much had sex for the sake of having it. I was tired of being a virgin. I'm not sure if I regret this or not. Anyway I was definitely behind the curve as far as when I felt comfortable with men and dating.
I don't mean this in a vain way, but I know I am above average in the looks department (I wouldn't say I'm a supermodel though). I know I am educated, intelligent and kind. I have a lot of desirable traits (though I can be quite awkward at times). I've never been in a serious relationship either. Right now, I have some things to sort out. This summer I'm going to lose 30 pounds (10 down already) and I have some career considerations to sort out. I've consciously put my social life on hold until things become more stable (a big part of the reason why I've been on 3FC 24/7). I can't really date the kind of guys I want to while being unemployed and living at home.
I would add I think it's just HARD in general to have a traditional relationship nowadays, the kind where a guy asks you out on a date and you end up being boyfriend and girlfriend. It doesn't matter what you look like. Many girls sleep with guys immediately trying to get him to commit to a relationship. Many guys expect a period of dating/sleeping together before becoming exclusive (if becoming exclusive at all). The lines are so blurred that it's tough for girls who want a relationship and aren't willing to put out to get it. If you're waiting for Mr. Right amidst this craziness, you may be waiting awhile.
I would recommend dating anyone you can to work on your game. Go out with guys you're not interested in just to get used to being out on dates, flirting and talking to guys. Plus it will be a confidence boost. Engage in a May-December romance (even if he's not "the one"). The more you do it, the easier it gets. Plus there are many books out there that help with setting up online dating profiles and how to act on dates. If this is something you want, make it a priority and put the work in. It will probably take some time.
Some of what I'm about to say has already been mentioned by others, but I thought I'd throw in my two cents anyways:
1) Consider shaking up your profile. Have a friend go over it with you (guy and girl). You may be sending signals you're unaware of.
2) Take a chance. Yes, people on dating sites often come across as just wanting sex, but from your original post, it sounds a bit like you're wanting too (otherwise, why mention you're a virgin?). And that's okay! Sex is great! Sex is wonderful! And I encourage everyone to have it and be safe while doing it, no matter what long-term prospects the relationship has. Get to know your body and what it likes and what it wants. I was in an 8-year relationship with the same man, first guy I'd had sex with. I was underwhelmed. Then that relationship ended, I started dating others, and having sex with others, and I discovered what possibilities there really were and how big an impact that had on the non-sexual aspects of the relationship.
3) Give those guys looking for something short-term a chance. I'm not saying you have to jump into bed with them, but I am suggesting that if you've never dated before, looking for Mr. Right isn't (in my humble opinion) a good option right now. First date a bunch of people to find out what it is you like and want in a relationship (sex aside). So maybe you only go on two dates with one fellow, three with another, etc. But in those two or three dates you can learn a lot about what you want. Do you care if he looks up facts on Wikipedia during a discussion? Do you wish he'd put his napkin in his lap? Is he a bar-fly? Do his pheromones just not compute with yours? Lots of little things that we only learn by meeting people and spending an hour or two with them.
4) Message guys first. Don't wait for them to message you.
And last quick comment: I'm a full supporter of OkCupid (had some good dates from there and it's where I met my husband, plus I love its design and the fact it's free), but there's no harm in checking out other places as well.
Also, do you live in a city or a small town? That can make a huge difference in terms of how many people you'll net.
I only skimmed the comments here so forgive me if I am repeating. I have no experience in online dating though so I'm going in a different vein.
Instead of waiting for a guy to ask for your number or to ask you on a date or whatever, why don't you make the first move? This might not be that big of a jump since you already can have flirty conversations and such. Some guys are just shy and don't want to take the risk to ask you out or whatever so it helps if you let them know you're interested.
I met my now-husband through some common friends and after hanging out together in a group a couple times I decided he was cute and I liked him so I asked him to hang out with me alone once (not, like, "on a date"). We had fun together and he got that I was interested so he asked me out on a real date and it went forward from there. (Big important note: I did not let us fall into any kind of friend zone after I found him attractive. I moved on the relationship possibility right away.)
If you do try this method out, you can't take rejection too personally. I tried this approach with three or four guys in the months before I met my husband and all of those attempts either didn't get off the ground (I was rejected/my advances were ignored) or fizzled after one or two dates.
I'll say this...do you really want to meet someone in a bar? Anyone I've ever met at a bar...bad news...bad bad news. Not to say that is 100% of the time...but I think it's better to meet someone sober.
I am in the same boat as you. I am almost 24 and it is quite embarrassing that I have no dating history. I still don't feel confident enough to date and I probably won't date until I lose another 40 lbs. I am tall and I have an apple shape so I resemble more of a linebacker than I do of a woman. Hopefully, I can at least start looking in the fall.
I would recommend going on match.com or something similar (one that you pay for) because they really do look like more professional men who are genuinely looking for something more serious.
Thanks for the words of encouragement, everyone! I keep telling myself it will happen when it's supposed to but I've been saying that for 10 years so it's starting to ring false. It helps to hear that other people have had the same experiences and come through the other side.
toastedsmoke - You've taken the words right out of my mouth! Everyone seems to expect you to be at a certain point in your development and it's tough to feel you're not measuring up.
Ferumbras - Thanks for the practical advice. I'm certainly not looking for Mr. Right. I'm in no hurry to settle down at the moment. But I can never join in on the "what was your craziest date" girl talk or rant about awkward ex encounters on Facebook. I want a bad date! I want stories to tell even if they don't end in happily ever after so I'm in a "say yes" mode on OKC (unless it seems reeeeeeeeeeally sketchy). I live in a big city so meeting people can be tricky but also the numbers are tipped in guys' favor (or so I tell myself when messages go unanswered.)
Wow this really struck a nerve. The same thing happened to me. I was uncomfortable with my sexuality for a lot longer than most of my peers. I didn't get my first kiss until I was 19. When I was 19-21 I engaged in some heavy college make out sessions but I felt like taking it further wasn't even a consideration. I was just super uncomfortable with the whole thing. At this point I was 175 lbs, 5'10, DD boobs (maybe larger) and size 10 jeans. I had this very curvy/sexy body but felt really uncomfortable in it. Then sometime around 22-23 I actually felt like I "could" have sex. I pretty much had sex for the sake of having it. I was tired of being a virgin. I'm not sure if I regret this or not. Anyway I was definitely behind the curve as far as when I felt comfortable with men and dating.
I don't mean this in a vain way, but I know I am above average in the looks department (I wouldn't say I'm a supermodel though). I know I am educated, intelligent and kind. I have a lot of desirable traits (though I can be quite awkward at times). I've never been in a serious relationship either. Right now, I have some things to sort out. This summer I'm going to lose 30 pounds (10 down already) and I have some career considerations to sort out. I've consciously put my social life on hold until things become more stable (a big part of the reason why I've been on 3FC 24/7). I can't really date the kind of guys I want to while being unemployed and living at home.
I would add I think it's just HARD in general to have a traditional relationship nowadays, the kind where a guy asks you out on a date and you end up being boyfriend and girlfriend. It doesn't matter what you look like. Many girls sleep with guys immediately trying to get him to commit to a relationship. Many guys expect a period of dating/sleeping together before becoming exclusive (if becoming exclusive at all). The lines are so blurred that it's tough for girls who want a relationship and aren't willing to put out to get it. If you're waiting for Mr. Right amidst this craziness, you may be waiting awhile.
I would recommend dating anyone you can to work on your game. Go out with guys you're not interested in just to get used to being out on dates, flirting and talking to guys. Plus it will be a confidence boost. Engage in a May-December romance (even if he's not "the one"). The more you do it, the easier it gets. Plus there are many books out there that help with setting up online dating profiles and how to act on dates. If this is something you want, make it a priority and put the work in. It will probably take some time.
I totally agree on how it's difficult to have a traditional relationship these days. A lot of guys expect sex right away, and they are baffled when they don't get it, especially from a fat girl. And it annoys me when men think they are doing me a huge favor by wanting a relationship, or commitment. What makes them think I want a relationship with them? lol. I'm actually very princess-y and have impossibly high standards, which doesn't go hand in hand with being overweight. Hence why I am perpetually single. I'd rather be alone than to settle or accept less than I deserve. I know I have to lose weight before I can get involved in a serious relationship. Maybe I'm too mean to myself, I don't know, but I don't sugarcoat things. Even *I* can't get past my own weight, so I wouldn't expect a man to either, even if he thought I had a beautiful face, that I had an amazing personality, etc.
I've tried doing the date whoever just for practice, but it doesn't work for me. There are too many risks involved in it for me... such as the risk of rejection, the feelings of awkwardness and guilt when I reject others, the risk of falling for someone I don't like at all, just because I become comfortable with them, and therefore settle. I also don't feel comfortable using guys for "practice", I don't mind doing it to an a-hole, but not for a nice guy who really wants to date me but I'm using him as practice. It just doesn't sit well with me. And I also feel like every guy I date, just takes something from me. Whether it's my innocence, trust, time, energy... maybe that's a very "glass half empty" view on dating, but it's how I feel. I find dating exhausting unless it's with someone I really click with, when we have chemistry, and I get caught up in the idea of that person. But when that happens, there is a very very real risk of being hurt.
I've tried doing the date whoever just for practice, but it doesn't work for me. There are too many risks involved in it for me... such as the risk of rejection, the feelings of awkwardness and guilt when I reject others, the risk of falling for someone I don't like at all, just because I become comfortable with them, and therefore settle. I also don't feel comfortable using guys for "practice", I don't mind doing it to an a-hole, but not for a nice guy who really wants to date me but I'm using him as practice. It just doesn't sit well with me. And I also feel like every guy I date, just takes something from me. Whether it's my innocence, trust, time, energy... maybe that's a very "glass half empty" view on dating, but it's how I feel. I find dating exhausting unless it's with someone I really click with, when we have chemistry, and I get caught up in the idea of that person. But when that happens, there is a very very real risk of being hurt.
I get what your saying and understand that this isn't for everyone, I just wanted to clarify a few points. I meant practice but be smart about it. Don't seriously lead on a guy who is in love with you, or go on a 5th date with a guy you can't stand. If theres a guy you like but don't feel like he's "the one" don't be afraid to try out a relationship. If a guy your not that into asks you out, it's a good excuse to get dressed up and feel pretty. I'm just saying that the more you do it, the easier it is to feel like part of the dating pool. Rather than feeling like your on the outside looking in. You'll know that there are guys out there who want to date you. It's hard to just "turn it on" once the right guy comes around. Plus when Mr. right shows up it's better to seem like your out there dating (and other men want you) rather than like you haven't been on a date in 2 years. Just my 2 cents.
well girls i relate to all of you...i'm 30 and have never had a real boyfriend...i too blame it all on my weight but then i see other people who struggle with weight and are way bigger than me and think hmmm it must just be me...... i feel like i am pretty enough to have one but am sooooooooo insecure and i have to be honest i am picky. i sometimes feel like the only one in the world who has never had a bf..at least i know i'm not alone
I hear and feel your pain.. I am a single gal in Georgia who is about to turn 30. All of my friends have kids and are married. I am the only one. Sometimes I feel like I am not living my life the way I wanted and never will...
Ha, this thread made me laugh (in a good, oh-god-I-see-myself-here kind of way). I'm in my mid-20s and never been in a serious relationship, or with anyone I would legitimately call a "boyfriend".
I think part of my trouble is my weight and the other part is the kind of guy I would like to meet - I'm not big on going out; I like to stay home playing video games and watching movies with friends. Going clubbing is my worst nightmare. So how do you meet other people who want to stay home and hang out, without breaking and entering? It's rough.
My plan is pretty much what many of you have posted.. getting closer to my goal weight, and then start posting on eHarmony when my confidence is a little higher. I want to find a nice nerd. Someone who will do stupid things like argue about the latest Harry Potter movie and run OS X on a PC just to show it can be done. I can't imagine ever having much in common with a guy I meet randomly hanging out in a bar.
Criteria:
- enjoy videos game, or movies, or just "hanging out" with friends - it doesn't have to be a loud bar to be a good time
- likes cats (and other animals)
- Like his sense of humor and vice versa
I know they exist people. And by god we will find them.
I feel you should stop looking for boyfriend or sex and start looking for real friendship. When you stop looking for sex, that's when guys will start noticing and getting attracted to you.
I can boldly guess that you're choking/smothering them up cos they can read from your actions and words that you want sex at all cost and as such, they back off (or why would a guy stop getting in touch with you when you already feel you're almost going to be in a relationship with eachother). Slow down, make friends, be open and you'll get a wonderful relationship.
I will also say; love yourself the way you are, no one can love you as much as you love yourself. It's not about being fat or being thin.
(see my wedding photos in the general chatter board!)
great advice that one. my hubby's such a nerd. but you've got to be more confident and aggressive with that type because they tend to be shy and quiet, but generally a nice bunch!
