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Old 06-14-2011, 01:24 AM   #1  
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Default Can't get a date

On my good days, I think I'm pretty, well-dressed, good hygiene, funny, well-traveled, smart and interesting. But I've never had a boyfriend (or sex) before (not by choice and I'm in my mid-20s - which is embarrassing). I really have no idea why it's never happened for me except for my weight, but maybe I'm just hiding behind the fat suit.

Because of this, confidence is a bit of an issue but I think I fake it pretty well. I have great flirty conversations with guys but then they ask for a skinny friend's number. I go out a lot, pursue my interests and meet new people but no one ever wants to date me. I see plenty of women on this board and IRL who struggle with weight but have great relationships. Where do you meet these great guys who don't mind a little (okay, a lot) of extra weight?

I joined OKCupid a few months ago and so far have had 0 dates from it. It's really, really discouraging and I can't help but feel that it's because of my weight. I get messages some times from guys who I have 0 in common with and seem to be looking for sex but I don't reply. I send messages and have had a few exchanges but when it seems like things are starting to go well, I stop hearing back.

Anybody have any suggestions? It's really discouraging and makes me feel like why not just eat what I want, get a bunch of cats and say screw it. (I'm not losing weight just to get a man, but lonely with a bag of Cheetos is better than lonely and hungry.)
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Old 06-14-2011, 01:37 AM   #2  
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Hi there! =)
When you are truly not looking, and keep your social life active, someone should come shortly after! It just always seems to work out that way. That way of thinking exudes some kind of confidence that seems to attract guys.
Until then, while it might be weight, that's not you! That's them! You've done an amazing thing by losing what you have so far. Society just feeds into these guys that stick/sick skinny is hot. They don't really see how great you are inside and do you want a guy that is that blind? =)~
I really think that you're coming into contact with subpar guys that don't deserve you! Really!
Hang in there and keep going! You can do it! =)
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Old 06-14-2011, 01:38 AM   #3  
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If you really want a date for the companionship, have you thought of speeddating with a friend? If you were in Oregon, I'd *so* go with you!
20 dates in 1 hour? And I get to pick and choose of a list? Sign me up!
haha
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Old 06-14-2011, 01:43 AM   #4  
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I was always that girl! I was every guys best friend and they always wanted my skinny friends numbers! I have been blessed most of my life to have that "I don't care" attitude! I used to say "Ohhh good, you want her number because you think you are attractive enough for her... ha"
I never wanted to date most of my life, I guess I saw my mom go through too much heartache that the idea just didn't appeal to me.
Then came the day that one of my best guy friends finally saw something in me that noone else took the time to realize was there, not even myself, and cared enough to tell me.
He's an amazing man, just like you Deserve! Just sit back and wait till he comes around...
By no means should you rush, it will only cause you to settle for less than you deserve!!
I tease him often about being a "Chubby chaser" and such and he takes the jokes well... but I'm so blessed to finally have someone in my life who saw me the way I needed to be seen and acted on those feelings!
Just work on you, your life and your dreams.... the rest will fall into place!
Every girl hears that and says in their mind.. "Yeah, right"
But I promise, coming from someone who never thought she would have anything more than a million guy friends and nothing more...

I now have the best of all worlds, and you will too one day!
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Old 06-14-2011, 01:50 AM   #5  
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I can relate to this so much. I've had two serious boyfriends, and I've dated some, though I'm hardly an expert at it. However, I've been mostly single for the last 4.5 years. My weight has changed a lot since I first started dating when I was 16, but at my heaviest (~210), I had a boyfriend and I never questioned why he was with me given how I looked. I've lost a considerable amount of weight since then and I'm in a much better place in my life over all, but what I'm lacking now that I had at 200+ pounds is confidence.

It sounds crazy that I was more confident then, but I had my heart broken a few years ago by a guy who chose the thin girl with whom he had nothing in common over the smart, 'fat' girl (these are my words, not his, btw). Now, it may have been a million reasons other than my weight, but in my mind, that's the way I saw it. Logically, I realize it couldn't be my weight given that he was interested in me in the past, and he's dated other girls who weren't thin, but somehow I couldn't see it that way. While I've moved on and I've realized that it wouldn't have worked between us anyway, this voice in the back of my mind still tells me that guys are going to choose the skinny girl over me.

Like you, I think I'm pretty good at faking it to an extent. I'm very insecure in regards to my weight, but I don't voice those insecurities to anyone other than my best friend. But at the same time, I see people who are truly confident, and I know I'm not exuding the same level of confidence that they are, no matter how hard I try to fake it.

This is getting really long winded, and I have yet to offer actual advice... I just want you to know that you aren't alone! One suggestion that I do have is to try Match or eHarmony, rather than OKcupid. Maybe someone who has had luck with one of the free sites can weigh in with another opinion, but in my experience those sites have been more geared toward sex than actual dating/relationships.
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Old 06-14-2011, 01:51 AM   #6  
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I can relate so much to this. Last week was the first time ever that I had been asked out in person and not by someone on a dating site (and I'm 24). I know my problem is not having great self-confidence, but I know this is getting better with my weight loss. I'm feeling better about myself and other people take notice about that. Just keep working hard at it (both your weight loss and dating attempts) and know that eventually you will see positive results.

Also, I know that I have really high standards when it comes to men, probably higher than they should be, which has made dating a lot slower going than for other people.
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Old 06-14-2011, 01:54 AM   #7  
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mhill0823 I'm always the best friend too! Guys adore me, they just never seem to want to date me... at least the ones I'm interested in. I have more guy friends than I know what to do with, and most of them have become friends because I was interested and made a point to get to know them, but then never made it out of the friend zone.

I'm so glad your guy realized what was right there in front of him! This gives hope to the rest of us. Now if only a certain 'friend' of mine would have that same realization!
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Old 06-14-2011, 02:20 AM   #8  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AriRuns View Post
mhill0823 I'm always the best friend too! Guys adore me, they just never seem to want to date me... at least the ones I'm interested in. I have more guy friends than I know what to do with, and most of them have become friends because I was interested and made a point to get to know them, but then never made it out of the friend zone.

I'm so glad your guy realized what was right there in front of him! This gives hope to the rest of us. Now if only a certain 'friend' of mine would have that same realization!
I make it sound like a piece of cake, easy to do in a post! But trust me I went through many nights of the whole "why can't this idiot see that I'm crazy about him" or the whole "She's not good enough for him, I'm what he needs"... and cried many tears. I had all but given up when he turned it all around. So totally worth it, but what a battle!!!
Always keep faith though! People will surprise you everyday!!!

I see my friends everyday who settle for men they don't love, just because thye have to be with someone and want the company basically.. and they argue and the jealousy issues... my only plea to everyone I know and care about... PLEASE DONT SETTLE!!! I dated here and there in school and anytime things got to that Controlling, Possessive stage, i left. It's not worth it. Love and Trust should go hand in hand! I keep all my friends, live my life, and our life... I wish that for Everyone!

Last edited by mhill0823; 06-14-2011 at 11:22 AM.
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Old 06-14-2011, 04:48 AM   #9  
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Once again.... been there, done that (the whole fat girl that guys loved but then turned around and asked my friends out dealie).

But like others said above.... eventually when the right guy comes along, he'll realize what he's got and snap you up. Mine did. But I also had to go the extra mile to find him..... in my case, 7 THOUSAND miles. Yep, my guy lives on the other side of the world. Met him through school and traveling..... and now travel to be with him/see him. Who knows what the future holds, but damn I'm glad I found him. Everything he says, everything he does.... tells me every day how much he cherishes me, and what we have.

Moral of my story is: You're not always going to find Mr. Right (or Mr. Perfect) right where and when you want to find him. You gotta search high and low and in odd places..... and even sometimes just NOT search because its just not time yet. You just can't give up. And you gotta have an open heart and be ready when he does come along.



Until then, enjoy your life and keep on going taking care of yourself! When Mr. Right comes along, I know he'll sure appreciate it!

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Old 06-14-2011, 04:59 AM   #10  
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E-Mail me if you like!! Only Slight problem is a big Atlantic Ocean!! If its any consolation Ive been single way too long. People say I am nice, funny etc, but sadly the same, chat for a while and then it goes dead! I sometimes just try to vent it into pushing myself harder or further in the gym or exercising and use it as motivation to lose the weight and show them how far you have come.
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Old 06-14-2011, 06:05 AM   #11  
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just wanted to add that its extremely difficult to find love/the right guy. ive had a couple very pretty, thin girlfriends who were virgins well into their 20s. a lot of guys in thier 20s arent ready to comit, and come off as just wanting sex. i think the right guy will come along, but understnad its not easy! the friends you have with great guys were lucky, i think its extremely hard to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. i dated many guys, and without even getting intimite, i was uninterested. so dont think its your looks/weight/personality. its just hard to match up to someone else. and those guys who go for the thin girl, dont necesarily want to marry her.

id definately try more sites, like a paid one, match.com or smthng. dont just limit yourself to the one page. also post photos of yourself in a nice outfit, with your hair done. show your best side. maybe update your profile? have a friend/guy friend go over it with you, maybe something you're saying sounds off?

also, go for the speed dating, if anything its good practice for when the right guy comes along. i know i was super shy and scared to talk to my now DH!
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Old 06-14-2011, 06:38 AM   #12  
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I can relate.

I was a late bloomer and didn't have any interest in the opposite sex till I was nearly 20/21 years old. I think I shut off that part of myself for as long as possible. I never had crushes on anyone in high school, never liked anyone, never pictured myself with anyone. I genuinely just didn't care. Then when I got older I started to want to date, I wanted male companionship, maybe even a boyfriend. But because I spent all my teenage years being pretty much asexual, I didn't know how to interact with men, I didn't know how to flirt, or how to date. I did start dating when I wanted to, but not necessarily with the kind of men I wanted to be with. I learned quickly that a lot of guys just wanted sex-- I have a complex about this, I think that's all men want me for. I notice thin women feeling flattered by sexual attention... I am never flattered by it, because it's so easy to get sexual attention from men, you don't have to particularly special or beautiful or hot.

I've lost almost 40 lbs so far and am getting more attention from men, more looks, more guys hit on me, etc. I can feel them looking at my body, it makes my skin crawl. It makes me feel like a piece of meat. What's really disgusting in particular is that old men (older than my father) look at me, talk to me, etc.. and if it weren't for the fact that they weren't so friendly with me before, I would have thought they were just friendly sweet older men-- but they're not, they're also perverted. It all makes me uncomfortable, I just want to be sexually invisible. I'm able to flirt and communicate with men now (something I was unable to do for a long time), but I do it in a machisma/playfully assertive way, and I can hide my awkwardness by being an ice queen. I could NEVER flip my hair and bat my eyelashes and giggle... the thought of it makes me cringe.

I can easily get a date but 90% of the time it's not with the kind of man I want to date, it's not the situation I want, it's not anything I want. So I'd rather not date in the meantime, while I am at this stage in my life where I am looking inwards, doing a lot of soul searching, working on myself and transforming my life and my body. I feel like I'm too vulnerable to date right now. Also, like other users have mentioned here, I have high standards and won't settle because I am overweight and have less options. I'd rather lose the weight and then move on with my life.
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Old 06-14-2011, 11:08 AM   #13  
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I totally identify with what OP said! I'm also in my mid-20s (turning 25 in a week and a half) and have never had a boyfriend (not at all by choice). I'm pretty funny (I think), well-travelled, stylish, have my isht together and okay I don't think I'm ravishingly beautiful or even moderately pretty but I don't think I'm like nightmare-zilla either. So why am I so undesirable?!

I went to super strict catholic all-girls school for middle and high school (aged 10-16) and my school didn't do mixed socials, so I missed that whole socializing with boys thing and I'm still really awkward with it. I'm also have a little social anxiety, not in a debilitating way, but in the way that I'd rather hang out in my comfort zone with people I love and trust, than go out and meet new people.

I DO want a man though, and I'm trying to be better about getting out there and putting myself out there, but the whole thing is quite embarrassing. I was asked the other day by a guy, "when was your last relationship" and it was a total "ummmm..." moment. And it IS weird to be nearly 25 and have NO relationship experience. I feel like a freak, like there must have been something wrong with me otherwise why has NO ONE ever wanted me enough to ask me out. I too think I fake confidence and pretending not to care about being terminally single pretty well, but I know I want to be with someone and share that part of myself with someone. And I worry that I want it so badly, that I may end up settling, with the first person who asks... which would be really really sad and of course the last thing I want for myself.

One of my BFF's (I am one of the apparently dying breed of females that have mostly female friends and very few if any guy friends) diagnosis is that I put out "don't touch" signals and seem a little "unapproachable" (by which she means stuck up) and this is not me, at all. So it's something I'm working on as well as trying to get out more and put myself out there more, trying to seem more available. I haven't yet tried online dating but maybe I will too. My biggest fear is rejection... like someone seeing me and being like "ewwww! you're fat!" or "ewww you're ugly" or something, so I've kind of been prevented from trying that out as of yet. Please keep us posted with how it turns out.
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Old 06-14-2011, 11:25 AM   #14  
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Been there. Done that. Have the triple-x-l t-shirt.

I'll tell you what being single for a long time did for me... I learned that I'm freaking awesome. I am super cool, amazingly funny, creative, and friendly. Too much? Okay I can be too much at times, too.

I wasn't even "looking" when I met my husband. I was just being me. I was playing video games, he was playing video games. We started talking. Got friendly... got more than friendly.

I always used to wonder where I'd run into new guys who might want to date. Turns out, for me, I just had to keep doing the things I enjoyed and they'd be there, too. Playing MMORPGs

I've never regretted being myself. There are plenty of other humans out there who appreciate me for being me, too.
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Old 06-14-2011, 11:29 AM   #15  
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Everyone here has given great advice and support.

I just wanted to add make sure you are interested in the right guys. I see so many of my friends fall for jerks and then wonder why they are being treated poorly. Make sure you have an open mind (consider guys maybe you hadn't before), continue going out and meeting new people and having lots of confidence it will happen.

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