Still looking for some free time to post more but I feel like I need to check in for accountability's sake. Helps keep me focused.
Today was the annual "turkey dinner" (at lunch time) at church. There were a bunch of traditional holiday fixins. Turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, green beans w/ ham, dinner rolls, various salads and desserts.
In order to keep damage to a minimum, I set up shop right behind the food service table and helped serve the food. This put me in the position to be one of the last people to eat, and it also kept me moving around a bit, with the added bonus of being visible to the community. It also meant that by the time I was getting my food, the dessert table had been picked through, and there wasn't much temptation left.
I ended up putting a small amount of turkey, a small scoop of mashed potatoes, a dinner roll with butter, a thin slice of pumpkin roll and a small brownie on my plate, and that's all I had. Until everything was all said and done and they said HERE TAKE ALL THESE LEFTOVER BROWNIES HOME!
After eating a 2nd roll, and a brownie on the walk home, I shoved the brownies in the freezer, and though it's supposed to be a high day for me, I'm not sure how much damage I did at the dinner, so I'm gonna eat smart through the evening. Yogurt and a fiber bar before bed since tomorrow is a fast day. (I got egg whites in preparation)
Uber - The short answer to your question of eating without your brain kicking in to suggest otherwise... yes. Definitely.
The long answer... About a year ago I started doing some reading about eating disorders. I knew the way I had spent most of my life eating wasn't normal, but I had no idea what was wrong with me. I couldn't label it or understand it and, therefore, I couldn't figure out a way to fix it. I wasn't anorexic or bulimic. The number of binge episodes I've had in the past ten years is easily in the single digits. The problem was that I just couldn't stop eating and that kind of issue goes beyond something that a straightforward diet is designed to address.
I've tried multiple ways of dealing with this compulsive eating. In retrospect, most of those ways seemed to be focused on ways of figuring out how I could eat how and what I wanted to eat without suffering the negative consequences. So be it. You live and you learn.
What I have found (so far) is that two things work for me. First, I'm pretty militant about limiting the abusive/unhealthy people and situations I'm around. If I eat as a response to my environment, it only makes sense to manage my environment. What I'm encountering right now is an exception for a number of reasons, but on the whole the people that I'm close to are emotionally solid and my lifestyle is a good, positive one. I put on my emotional Ebola protective gear for people and situations that don't fit that mold.
Second, I have a plan that works for me. On most days I stay under 1,500 calories. If I eat out I try to keep the day under 2,000 calories with my best guesstimating. I avoid processed carbs and fried foods because those tend to trigger this craving to eateateat but it's not the end of the world if I do have them. I just have to anticipate the cravings that may follow and realize it's something to be dealt with. I can't go anywhere near nuts or chips or little candies because once I start with those, I can't stop until everything is gone.
So when you're talking about moving between these three different headspaces, I interpret it through my own lens as: 1) I'm on plan and am fine with it; 2) I'm kind of on plan but my compulsive eating hookers are starting to get their claws out and I'm looking for reasons to eat; and 3) I'm eating at will, terrified that the eating will never end while still enjoying the familiarity of it all, and am both longing for and dreading the time when I know I have to get back on plan.
The voice in my head that tells me something is a bad idea has never been a very effective deterrent for anything, ever. What constrains me and compels me to get back on plan has to come from the same place as the urge to eat. If the latter is all about internalizing and reinforcing all these messages about how awful and worthless I am, the former has to be grounded in an even deeper sense that I as a person do have some value and my life does have some meaning even if only by virtue of the fact that it's a life like any other.
Long story short, I think I get what you're saying. I've certainly been in that place where you feel out of control with the food and then put on the brakes hard to get back in control. I think your expectations with respect to our capacity for rational thought when it comes to food are perhaps a bit high, but maybe that's just me.
Okay, so weigh in okay but still not feeling that great about things, 1 pound is still hanging in there from last weekend. Going to stay on track this week if it kills me!
Fast day today and I'm one grumpy mum! My youngest isn't feeling that great and is following me round whinging ... doing my head in. Have planned my meals and so far so good, just need to up my water as usual. I've also decided to ignore any timeline oriented goals I will just be what I will be at Christmas, anything is better than where I was okay I still have in my head what I would like to be but I think I just need to drive through that trampoline number first and I will feel better. That number seems to be around 245, maybe its just a mental block but its also where I stopped losing last time any thing lower than that will be the lightest I've been for 8 years. So still in the game and looking at a loss this week I hope.
Hi to everyone got to do kindy pick up and the little one needs a nap before football this afternoon. Its my sons first game, a bunch of 4 year olds - too cute!!!
Uber and Martini - Like the discussion between Uber and Toasted from a few days ago, this one really captured my head and my heart. (And very quickly - I am grateful for both of your responses to my weird weight loss "compliments." Sometimes I feel like I overthink it all. I want to be in the moment, to feel the joy available from those comments. But I also don't want to put myself in a place where I externalize the way I feel about myself, and I don't want anyone to think I am losing weight in order to gain the approval of men, and Trainer Boy's comment triggered that. The fact that two introspective, feminist, perceptive women had such different reactions really validated my ambiguity about it all. I genuinely appreciated both perspectives.)
So, Uber, I am where you are right now. Things were going swimmingly. I was down to 193.2 on Saturday morning. And then, I got off-track on Saturday. And then, on Sunday, I was back on and feeling great. Until 7 p.m. I was getting ready to leave my office, and I saw leftover Halloween candy that someone had brought in. And I thought a few wouldn't hurt, especially because I was leaving. And it wouldn't have hurt. Except that when I got home, my husband went out for the evening, leaving me to put kids to bed, and leaving me unwatched in a house full of lots of junk. I'm embarrassed to eat like that in front of him. I decided that since I was actually hungry, I would eat some egg whites. Which I did. Then, I didn't want to eat the kids' candy, so I decided to find something else sweet. And I had a granola bar. Then I had a pop tart. And then tons of Frosted Flakes. And went to bed feeling bloated and ready to vomit. And, of course, the scale tends to have no patience for anything like that from me. So, I am now 196.8.
Interestingly enough, at the gym yesterday, I had a long dialogue with myself. I have actually been lifting pretty substantial weight the past few times at the gym. And the shower room has a full-length mirror, of course. And there are mirrors all around. So, I had a view of the jiggling fat on my legs, my buttocks, my calves, and, of course, my delightful pannus. But, in clothes, my body actually has a feminine shape, and though I still have fat on my arms, it's gotten to the point where it's mostly muscle. And I thought about the amount of work that it's taken to reach this point and the amount of work that it would take to sustain it.
I asked myself: Is it worth it? I think about food all the time. I generally schedule my days around making sure I get to work out. I certainly schedule my food around the times when I work out. Need protein after lifting heavy. Need to avoid anything too heavy right before I work out. And, while I wouldn't call it miserable, it is certainly both time-consuming and burdensome.
So I looked at the alternative. Sometimes, I fool myself into thinking that my friend Leslie's lifestyle is the alternative. She eats pretty much whatever she wants, but only on rare occasion does she eat herself into oblivion. And, of course, she is a size 2 with a perfect body.
But that's not my alternative to being watchful about my food. My alternative is feeling helpless around food all the time. There is no food that is safe from me. That is when I start doing things like I did last night. I get all shaky and want to eat the kids' Halloween candy. If they had more than a few pieces left, I would have taken just a few pieces. I just knew I couldn't avoid detection. I feel a lot of shame over my powerlessness over food. If there are donuts in the breakroom, I spend time plotting how I can get in and out of the breakroom without people noticing. Where I can eat my food. I feel so much food shame. And then I don't feel good physically.
But where I am right now - I generally like the way I look, at least with clothes on. I can run, at least at a slowish pace. I can lift weights that are comparable to what the guys are lifting. And, though I have lots and lots of moments of weakness, I have strategies for dealing with them, and generally, my husband's junk food is safe from me.
And after I went through all of this mental calculation, I got home and really craved sugar and ate everything that might contain a hint of sugar.
So, today is a new day. A new week, even. And I will do as Uber is doing--plan out the day. For today, I will drink 100 ounces of water. I will drink my vitamins. I will run 3 miles. I will eat lean protein for dinner until I am satisfied. Then, I will stop eating for the evening. Period. Not one crumb. Not because that crumb will hurt me, but because I am not in the headspace to be able to eat that crumb without eating everything else. If there is food on the counter that will tempt me, I will put it in a cupboard.
It is worth it. I am ready.
And this was really, really long, and I have spent too much time. Be back for genuine personals this evening, perhaps.
I don't know how many days I have actually eaten over 500 cals...I know yesterday was one and I paid for it. See whatever bug this is it is affecting my digestion. I eat and then burp up for hours with a stomach ache from ****! I have had little water so I am going to try to up my water today and eat low carb as a planned day to see how it affects me!
Also I heard back on the interview. There are 18 interviews all spread out in a 3 week period (weird). And mine is November 13th. It's the only one I could pick due to going to Disney. So I need to study the position and find a suit at a thrift store.
I tried on my 14s and they fit. Well all but one pair. I am also at a point where I have gotten the last as long as I can remember actually...that number is 209....I would get there get comfortable or just tired and plummet back up in weight. I have not been in ONDERLAND.....for over 10 years. I don't think my husband has ever seen me there.
So it's a new mindset to conquer. I never want to go back but I now understand what many of you were saying about that magic number.
Know I posted earlier, but as 2pm creeps up on me, I'm starting to get a little nervous about my appointment with the court facilitator. I need this to go down without any problems so I can get my final court date. >.>
Martini and Uber Thank you both so much for your long and incredibly thoughtful posts. I really do appreciate that I'm not alone in this. I have noticed after spending a lot of time at 3FC that obese people are absolutely not created equal, some of us are obese in some part because we have a very messed up relationship with food and our bodies, and others seem to be obese because of the luck of their metabolisms and some eating habits that while not fundamentally messed up still tend to lead to weight gain. Since I maintained a high but average weight until I turned 30, I really don't think that my metabolism is to blame, and I've always been the odd obese individual in a family full of fairly lean people. I think that my metabolism led be to be on the chunky side of normal. (BMI of 22 or 23 instead of 19 or 20) and that since I believed that I "should" look like people with a BMI of 19 or 20, I got very messed up in my head, then developed a lot of bad habits, then... well, then it went on from there.
So, I went off the rails Friday and Saturday, and yesterday, I was more-or-less on plan because I got busy and got my mind off food, and today I'm back on plan, so it's all good.
I chose not to weigh in this morning. I'm going to give myself a couple of days to get the salt out of my system. I shopped yesterday and made a food plan for the week that is more protein centric and I'm going to try to incorporate two lower calorie days (Tues and Fri) to jumpstart the scale.
But, here are some NSVs. Got dressed to go to my son's recital. Put on a size 22 blazer and had to take it off because it was too big. Then put on my nice black jeans (size 22) that I wore all the time last winter-- the waistline came all the way up to my bra, and when I had been wearing the for a while they almost fell off. Too big! And I wore a nice lace cami that I had never worn last winter because it was too small. So more than anything, THAT got my head back on track. I've lost 39 lbs since June 1 and even though most of the time I can't feel the difference, there IS a difference. And, if I could just lose another 39 lbs, I would be back in my 14s and feeling like I had reached a weight that I could happily maintain forever.
Getting to a normal weight and getting used to living as a normal weight person for several years and then going back to being morbidly obese has got to be one of the most soul-crushing experiences, and really more than anything, I think that is what is keeping me going and getting back in the saddle, because even though I'm not happy at 246, I'm happier at 246 than I was at 286 BY A LOT and I know that even if what I'm doing right now is fighting to maintain, it's still a far sight better than going back up.
Jessica Hooray on the 195, and I'm so glad you liked the daughter! A great sign!
Jenni Rocking size 14s!!! Regarding those bogey man numbers... it's so great that you will soon be lower than your lowest ever weight, and you CAN take a maintenance break any time you want, and then keep going.
Miss Loud You WILL drive through that trampoline number! You'll find out it has a secret passageway to duck through, and won't it feel great when you get there!
Wow Martini the way you describe your three different headspaces you could have been reading my mind! I'm definitely an all or nothing kind of girl so staying on plan when the scales aren't moving sets me off, I think I need to recognise that. Also I'm a starter not a finisher lol I don't know if that is being the youngest child or what it is, but I can't tell you how many projects I've started and not finished - I guess weightloss is one of those projects. I do find since ive had kids I have got better at finishing things ( my husband might disagree lol)
Feeling a bit better tday had a good on plan day and will be logging my calories today. Oh uber I hope I find that secret passageway and this isn't just another failed project
IT IS SO GOOD TO FEEL HUNGRY!!!! OMG...I thought I would never say that!!!!! Anyway this is a laugh for me because I always dreaded feeling hungry but after being sick for DAYS it feels darn good....embracing it and eating healthy!!!!
Been busy here the last few days! Still trying to catch up with everything going on, but I still like to come post.
I read through a lot of what was posted and have lots of thoughts and reactions, but since I don't have much time I won't write them out now. Suffice it to say, I am familiar with food shame, and weird feelings about food and eating, and totally get it.
I also wanted to say thank you to those who have commented on my new picture. I took that the other day to show off my Halloween accessories. Here's a better version:
Yesterday, for me, was awful (like I had brownies for dinner awful, even after I put them in the freezer - didn't work - found out they taste better frozen because it makes them chewier and I LOVE a good chewy brownie).
I've come to the conclusion that I simply cannot eat a large meal in the afternoon. It makes me want to continue eating so I continue to feel full the rest of the day. Feeling full = feeling happy, for me. It's definitely an emotional thing, and not a need to eat (I should probably work on addressing that). When I save my food for the evening, I can get nice and full, and have a snack or two after dinner, without going over my calories, and go to bed with that full feeling. When I wake up, as long as I don't eat until I'm full, I don't feel a need to continue eating until I'm full for the rest of the day. I'm assuming that's why I can get through fast days a little easier than I thought. It's hard in the evening after my small dinner (but I got egg whites to help with that, for volume), but I can get through.
So, today is a fast day. I've had my 3 cups of coffee + cream, and my fiber bar + vitamin. Dinner will be a ham, egg, and cheese sandwich and fat free Greek yogurt... My total for the day will be 760 calories.
Already looking forward to tomorrow's slow cooker beef.
Hey my people, so I've had to stay up late to finish something for work and so now it's already 3a.m. and since I'm up anyway and it's not like there's much a difference between 3 hours of sleep and 3 hours 15 minutes of sleep, I thought oooh in for a penny, let me check in with you guys. #LeSigh
LaurieDawn: I'm choosing #glasshalffull too. It helps that I woke up Monday morning and finally did the 30 Day Shred video for the first time in a couple of years following the advanced hooker I used to think was banana nuts for making everything so hard, and it was actually to me, a moderately easy workout cardio-wise. Like the kind of thing I would do on a lazy day. So I'm thinking okay, maybe I'm fitter. I'm weak as a kitten though. I used 7-lb dumbells and I was weeping- cursing out weights and swearing my allegiance to #TeamPleaseHelpMeWithMyBags I don't know how you do the lifting of actual heavy weights but I'm beyond impressed!
MissLoud: Falling off the wagon happens to everyone even the skinnies of skinny minis have days or weeks where they're "off plan" but they realize and get back on it. Getting back on is what counts. You can do it!
martini: I'm actually a cancer astrologically- though I have no idea what that means about my personality. I just have what Facebook would call an "it's complicated" situation with my ovaries is all- been through the gamut with PCOS, then thankfully benign ovarian tumors, surgeries etc in essence, they've been through a lot and just seem to like to seek comfort and solidarity in a stranger's cycle. Or something.
uber: I love food enough that I think it's all wonderful. Junk inclusive. It's not food's fault that I love it soooo unreasonably. Lolol. Sorry about the 1-day binge set back. I do the mindless eating thing too all the time, and often times it's not even so bad at the start (maybe an extra bag of chips or a candy bar I didn't plan) and then I say oh but I've already done so much extra damage, I might as well completely total the day and before I know it, I'm surrounded by crumbs and wrappers. It's kind of how I'm still up on 3FC posting just because I was up late anyway. #InForAPenny #InForAPound But look at it, it was just a day. And you already have a plan of attack for the next few weeks. You've got this! Yay on all the amazing NSVs.
Jessica: I'm glad things are looking good on the J front and I hope things went well with the court facilitator.
Jenni: I'm glad you're feeling better. I think you were getting to the "if symptoms persist, consult your doctor..." phase of illness so I'm glad whatever it was seems to be letting go of you.
Mandy: You look gorgeous in your new pic! #TastefulNotWeirdWolfWhistle #RealizeCallingSomethingNotWeirdDoesn'tMakeItNotWe ird #StillWolfWhistle #ItWASHalloween
Okay peoples. I really like getting a workout in early and out of the way. I don't know how that's going to work tomorrow/today. It will be a surprise. Rather than going to bed, I'm feeling the need to google REM cycles to figure out exactly when to set my alarms so I wake up in just the right cycle to feel like I've slept 8 hours even if I haven't. That's possible in real life, right? Not just in sitcoms and books? Watch me stay up the rest of the night researching this. Because I'm ridiculous like that and that's how I roll. Okay no, in the spirit of making good decisions, I'll go to bed. Soon. And hope my alarm by some miracle wakes me up at that perfect 8-hrs-in-3-hrs spot AND I get my workout in. And get to work on time.
Last edited by toastedsmoke; 11-03-2014 at 09:34 PM.
Okay so after my previous post, I went to bed. At about 4a.m. Needless to say, I did not get up early enough to work out. And I missed my carpool ride. So I had to drive myself to work. In the morning rush hour. And spend 2 and a half hours in traffic. AND last night to help me stay up, I had coffee, which I love but no longer drink because it bugs my irritable bowel which meant this morning was not a happy place in my stomach particularly not after staying up late. And I'm super whiny because I'm sooooo tired.
Okay enough of me whining. I'm going to try to leave early and get a workout in and go to bed early tonight. In college, I used to be able to pull 72 hours with no sleep like it was nothing and cackle with my friends saying "sleep is for the weak." I can't do that anymore 10 years later, I'm not sure what's happened to me but I'm "weak" now and I need sleep.
I hope every one has a rocking day. Today is not especially busy for me, I don't think. So I'll pop in a few times to check in. Maybe.
Last edited by toastedsmoke; 11-04-2014 at 04:53 AM.
Toasted....oh my that is not good sleep at all! I hope you do get to get off early and get some sleep! I am 35 and that would literally kill me! I say spare the work out and get some good rest
Feeling SO much better today got in 1200 calories yesterday and got right back to plan after being sick that was a HUGE NSV!!!!
okay I still have in my head what I would like to be but I think I just need to drive through that trampoline number first and I will feel better. That number seems to be around 245, maybe its just a mental block but its also where I stopped losing last time any thing lower than that will be the lightest I've been for 8 years. So still in the game and looking at a loss this week I hope.
got to do kindy pick up and the little one needs a nap before football this afternoon. Its my sons first game, a bunch of 4 year olds - too cute!!!
