Lotus Mama: I'm sure it must be discouraging to be at your highest weight ever, but to put it in perspective, I am REALLY looking forward to getting back to what you weigh, because I feel like 230 is the point where I start to look and feel fairly normal. Not trying to get too personal, but since we are the same height, I'm wondering if you have a really small frame? The least I've ever weighed in my whole life was 145, and that was when I was in the Peace Corps, climbed mountains all the time, had intestinal parasites, and barely ate anything. I was SKINNY. I don't have a small frame, but I can't imagine getting anywhere near 130. I know people's bodies are all different, so my comment might be totally off base.
As for me, I really had a bad evening last night. I had gotten myself so hungry that I had reached the point that I felt like no matter what I ate I would never be full. I was having a hungry day yesterday anyway, then I ended up needing to wait dinner until after 8 pm because my husband and son were out at a game. Before I ate, I decided that I was going to plan to eat a bigger meal. So I ate a large serving of pasta with sauce-- the entire dish was about 750 calories. Then, I felt guilty, even though my total calories for the day was only 1400 (I normally do 1200) Anyway, this morning, I didn't wake up starving and I'm going back to daily weighing-- otherwise, for me, I start ratcheting down the calories the closer I get to the official weigh in day, which is doubly idiotic since I was already weighing every day, I just wasn't "counting" it. When it comes to food, weight, etc. my mind is a very bizarre place. :-)
Hi all. Interesting discussion here. I guess I'm in the same boat as LotusMama because I didn't have a partial regain, I regained it all plus some. So, my starting weight was the highest ever (yay me), and that's what I went with. It's a tough call though. On the one hand, you should get credit for the weight you already lost from before, so showing your highest weight ever as your starting weight will give you that visual of having lost some already. But, if you want a fresh start, then the regain final weight would be the one to use. This sounds like something I would overthink, so I guess it is a good thing that my highest ever is also my regained weight. And, like Mandy said, it is too much strain to think about what was regained and to continue to beat yourself up. While you need to recognize that weight was regained and it is good to figure out why it happened and how to avoid it in the future, you must give yourself credit for stopping the madness and getting back in control, to lose it again.
Mandy: Yep, scale obsession it is!! It went down some today, but not there yet. We'll get there!
Uber: Big congratulations to you!!!!! That is so awesome! You DID it! Now you need a new goal. Ha! Thanks for the comment on my attitude. Sometimes I'm not feeling it as much as other days. But, I am really trying to be different this time. (My song: This time I'm going to be stronger, I'm not giving in.) It is a long haul. It is tedious. But if it takes a long time to get to goal, that's ok. Time will pass anyway, might as well keep going.
Martini: Good job on setting the starting weight. Now you can just move forward and see those lower numbers. You got it!
LotusMama: Good point about perspective and where you are in your head. It makes such a difference in how you view the whole process.
Uber: We posted at about the same time. Just wanted to say that you are not alone when you say " When it comes to food, weight, etc. my mind is a very bizarre place. :-) " I don't know that I'll ever be there, but wouldn't it be nice to not think about food, calories, weight, etc with such an obsession?
Diane and Uber: I can relate to that statement! My brain is so weird when it comes to the scale, weight, and food. Probably in a slightly different way, but I have to tell myself EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. that 1) Food is fuel for my body, 2) Food is NOT evil, 3) Food is not for entertainment, and 4) Food is not for comfort.
The first two are hard to overcome at the beginning, because you want to lose FAST (even though, logically, we know that's bad news), and so every calorie not eaten becomes a potential fraction of a pound gone, and in the past I've gotten to the point where I'd celebrate having a total for the day under 1000. It's easy to slip back into that mindframe when the weight isn't coming off as quickly as you'd like, or you have a couple busy days when you accidentally go too low, and it comes off quicker to think "why am I not just doing THIS?! And then the last 2 are the demons that chase me around every day and eventually caught up with me to cause me to eat myself into a food coma regularly for the entertainment and comfort it brought from the situation I was in (and thus the regain). They are still there, and it's a daily effort to tell them to take a hike.
I also want my loss to be a straight line when plotted on a line graph. I don't like zig zags, and I don't, emotionally, want to see a 'trend' I want to see a straight line toward my goal. Even though I really, truly, DO know that weight loss is not linear. Sometimes fat cells fill with water and refuse to deflate, or sometimes you have some type of water retention from too much sodium/carbs/both the day before. Sometimes the water is in your muscles because you overdid or started a new workout routine. And sometimes it's just because you haven't pooped in a while. WHO KNOWS. But it's not linear and I get sad when my line doesn't look like I want it to.
TL;DR - I have weird hangups about weight, food, and the scale, too.
On a similar track... I had a dream last night about going to a birthday party, having a piece of cake, and not knowing how to measure or log it, because I just took one bite. You know when you're *dreaming* about weighing/measuring/logging your calories, you're a bit obsessed! (Of course, I also dreamed that I was a secretary named Paula and Neal Caffrey was secretly in love with me... I don't even know.)
Hi All
I like this discussion. After my regain I've been hovering really within a 10lb range (the 240s) but my highest ever was somewhere around 260 - 265...honestly that was years ago so I just stuck with 250 as my starting weight this time since it's the most recent highest that I have a real record of. My first mini goal is really to break through that barrier and get below 240 because then I will be out of my 'regain rut' in my mind. I don't know what it is about seeing a '3' instead of a '4' but mentally I feel like my recommitting will feel more real once I get there. I think I can also be my own worst enemy as far as self cruelty so I just try to not be a jerk to myself and stay as positive as possible. I'm going to have good days and bad days and that just is the way it is. Doesn't make it any easier though.
I'm just trucking along this week and so far I've been doing ok. In general I feel much better than I was earlier this week after being off plan. I've been doing really good with food and avoiding extra stuff and bad stuff and I had good workouts Monday & Tuesday and will see my trainer tomorrow. Unfortunately the bummer is it's hot and I don't like it - and I know I'm in the northeast so my 'hot' is probably laughable in comparison to some of you in the south....but really I deal with anything above 75* ( WITHOUT humidity) about as well as someone from southern Alabama is going to feel about New England in the dead of February. I'm just a cold weather gal that will take snow over summer any day I guess. Anyway weather rant aside it's really putting a damper on my mood. There is no chance in a million years I am going outside to go for a walk, I'm feeling lazy and sluggish and my commuter trains are running with 'heat restrictions' so my already awful 3 hour round trip daily commute is now more like 4-4.5 hours round trip and it's taking me forever to get home so that is taking a toll this week. I also get this awful join pain in this weather in my hips so it's just overall craptastic. I think there is a cold front that is supposed to come through and make it a little more comfortable this evening so I've got my fingers crossed.
For now I'm trying to not let it get me too down and get through the week and stay the course!!!! I'm going to do a weigh in on Sunday so I'm fingers crossed I'm doing enough work this week to get back down to where I was before my crazy off plan week!
This is such a good thread for me. I started therapy last week for different issues, but food and my food issues just keep popping up. It's all a related muddle of muck in my brain, I suppose, but it amazes me how much thought and energy food and food-related stuff take up. It's nice to know that others are dealing with it successfully.
I am getting a scale today. Going to start weighing on a daily basis. And I am back into a routine and feeling good. Had a great work-out yesterday that has made me sore, so I'm feeling pretty good about that. Today will be a running day. Woot!
Mandy - I love your frequent posts and your great stories. Had to Google Neal Caffrey, but not complaining. He's a beautiful, beautiful man.
Diane - I love your updates about your commitment to your work-out program. You are rocking this. And totally agree. One of these days, I'd like to be excited about eating when I'm hungry, not worried about it when I'm not, and to feel comfortably full rather than overfull or very hungry. One of these days.
Uber - Sometimes, you gotta eat. And you kept your calories in a very reasonable range. I, too, have scale/mind issues, but you know what? It sounds like the "fewer calories right before weigh-in" thing you do, while not practical, may actually be beneficial? I long ago decided that I am not going to do this in the smartest, most practical way because if I was smart and practical about food, I would have figured this out long ago. So, I mostly strive for beneficial strategies, even if they seem (or are) ridiculous.
Martini - What an interesting, provocative discussion you initiated. Glad to have you with the group. And I love that you are interested in crafting a story that will help you succeed. I find myself doing that all of the time. So many ways to perceive things, none of them accurate. Why not choose the way to perceive it that will help move you forward? For me, for whatever reason, I feel much better about how I look when I'm on plan and exercising. The story I tell myself is that, "I may be fat because of circumstances and decisions in my past, but I am taking care of myself right now, and I am making good decisions for my future. Isn't it amazing that I can run for three minutes now? Not many women can pull the weight I pull in the gym. Etc."
LotusMama - I am struggling with scale issues too. I have lost weight in the past by weighing every single day. I have also really been hampered in weight loss by weighing every single day, and been successful when I just put the scale away. It makes me crazy when people say that losing weight is the simple formula of calories in versus calories out. No, it's not! The mental thing is the hardest part of this, and one answer does not fit all, nor does an answer from yesterday always translate into an answer for today.
And I feel like I'm rambling again! Because I feel such a kinship for my fellow travelers on this odd, frustrating, sometimes exhilerating journey.
Totally off topic, but for those not aware Neal Caffrey is the character played by Matt Bomer in White Collar. He also had a role in Magic Mike (which I have not seen!). There is a running joke in my family. A few years ago, for some reason, my wardrobe changed from vibrant and colorful choices to all black/white/gray/navy choices. My family believes I went into mourning when I found out Matt Bomer is gay. :P (Funny that my brain went to "Neal" who is a straight character, rather than Matt, who is gay...)
I know that whole business of not eating before weighing in and being upset with myself if I have 1400 calories for the day instead of 1200. What Diane and others have said about that singular focus on food and eating really resonates. For me that means my bigger challenge is not staying on plan but shifting my attention away from food and on to living my life. I'm beginning day 4 of being on plan and find it's much harder to focus on my head and my work rather than food. I know how to feel bad about being fat. I know how to create a lot of tension around what I'm eating. I'm not as good at sitting with the insecurity that comes from not knowing if I'll have a job this time next year and then responding in an appropriate, proactive way (for example).
I decided to start fresh with my weight. My high weight will always be 343, but my official starting weight is 293. Those 50lb lost were awesome in a million ways, but they're the success of a woman I no longer am. I've really changed and grown in the past two years and I don't want to mentally hang on to those old successes and failures. I don't want old patterns of thought to get in the way of what might come in its place. Even when the old thinking worked, there still might be another way of thinking that reflects who I am even better.
Laurie: I am well acquainted with that related muddle of muck in my brain.
Martini: Interesting thoughts to ponder in your post. This statement really caught my attention.
Quote:
I know how to feel bad about being fat. I know how to create a lot of tension around what I'm eating. I'm not as good at sitting with the insecurity that comes from not knowing if I'll have a job this time next year and then responding in an appropriate, proactive way (for example).
I found this thought very interesting. There was a very specific reason that I lost the weight the first time around. It was also a very HAPPY time in my life. I had just achieved something huge-- a lifelong dream. I felt fantastic about my life situation and losing weight just seemed to fit with my new self image. Fortunately, even though I regained most of the weight, I maintained my positive self-image. I was able to look at my new "fat" pictures and not hate myself, because what I saw was a happy, confident, well-groomed woman. Not a woman who would never achieve any of her dreams BECAUSE she was fat. But, the part B of this story is that after the original euphoria of having something really good happen, I had to deal with the aftermath-- high expectations, pressure, etc. And, I wasn't so good with that, and eventually what I thought was "a new lifestyle" turned out to be very easy to abandon in for my "old lifestyle." Basically, when the going got tough, I held out for a while, a long while actually, but then I just caved and went right back to my old eating habits for comfort. I hadn't really found a way to deal with the fact that I eat when I'm unhappy or stressed. I had just taken advantage of a relatively long period of time when I was feeling particularly positive about things. You don't really know if "it's a lifestyle change" or not, until life starts to fall apart on you-- THEN you find out how you are going to respond....
Lotus Mama: I'm sure it must be discouraging to be at your highest weight ever, but to put it in perspective, I am REALLY looking forward to getting back to what you weigh, because I feel like 230 is the point where I start to look and feel fairly normal. Not trying to get too personal, but since we are the same height, I'm wondering if you have a really small frame? The least I've ever weighed in my whole life was 145, and that was when I was in the Peace Corps, climbed mountains all the time, had intestinal parasites, and barely ate anything. I was SKINNY. I don't have a small frame, but I can't imagine getting anywhere near 130. I know people's bodies are all different, so my comment might be totally off base.
Uber--I really appreciate your perspective.
In terms of my weight loss goal, I recognize that it is on the low end of the weight table for our height and I may revise it as I get closer to that goal. I do have a small frame and, honestly, I want a bit of wiggle room.
Diane - I watched the video too. And I cried. And smiled. And fell in love with that man. And I've seen the video before.
Uber - Yeah. I always think if my life gets to a "now I can coast" point, the diet and exercise will be easier to manage. But I've come to recognize that it never will get there. New strategies for new epiphanies, right?
Feeling really good about life right now. Going to do amusement parks and water parks this weekend. Wish I was thinner and in better shape. Glad I am thinner than 40 pounds ago, and in better shape than even two weeks ago. And this is life.
Well, I made it! The scale showed 249.8! Barely in the 240's, but there is a 4! So, I changed my ticker to show it, even though I'm not at my official weigh in day. I just want to see it there. If I can't hold on to it by Monday, I'll change it, but I'm going to try to get it down a little lower so that it will stick. I'm so excited! I drove to the gym this morning feeling very happy. Body pump totally kicked my butt, but I felt pretty happy being there. It was humid and too warm in the gym today. We are so used to it being very dry here, it just seemed so sticky today. I should not complain about it because we really don't have it bad here with humidity. But still....
I don't have a lot of time today, so better run. I will say that I'm enjoying what everyone is posting! It's good to delve into the issue a little!
We'll get there!
