...and everytime I see an obese woman (sorry you guys on the board!), my absolutely first thought is that I've just run into one of us fat chicks somewhere on the downslope of our weight loss...and I have to resist the urge to go over and say, "I'm hiya---who're you, how're you doing?"
Unless I'm standing on the scale or looking in the mirror or at a picture of myself, I don't see myself as fat as I am. I see myself overweight.. but not super morbidly obese. I still see the me that weighed under 200 pounds, the me that I was when I got married, the me that I was before I had 3 babies in 4 years.
We go out places and I see other obese people, and I get thoughts in my head like "man (s)he is huge!" and "if I was that big...". I will make comments to my hubby that if I get that big please just shoot me. Then I get home and look in the mirror and see that I AM THAT BIG! My husband will insist that all those others are bigger than me, maybe they are, I just assume that maybe he is still really in love with me after all and is blinded by love, because I'm pretty sure many of the ones that I see as huge are no bigger than myself.
As far as seeing others in public and wanting to say something to them, we talk about this kind of thing alot too. Society has become very different than it used to be. Now if you say hi to someone they instantly think you are a freak.. and how many times have you been out and someone sneezed, you said bless you and they looked at you like "just who do you think you are?" There have been many times I have wanted to say something to someone.. be it about weight or what ever, and haven't because you never know how someone will react.
I really hope no one takes offense to this post.. sometimes it's hard to allow yourself to be brutally honest because you know it may hurt someone elses feelings.
I feel sometimes like there's a secret "fat club"... all the morbidly obese people I see are part of it, as am I. We tend to smile at each other, give each other those sad, "I understand" looks when we're struggling, and secretly compare ourselves to each other to see who's heaviest. I've actually heard myself say of a co-worker who is annoying in a stereotypical "fat woman" way -- "She gives fat women a bad name".
I also cringe every time I see fat people eating on television or in the movies. It's ALWAYS shown as gluttonous -- huge plates of food, quick eating, candy bars, corn dogs, fried chicken and fast food -- and often tied in with the "Ugly American" stereotype of Southern accent and cowboy hats and tourist mentality.
Watch your media more closely. I think you'll be amazed at how often fat people are shown eating gluttonously (and then there's no wonder why we're self-conscious about it), and how seldom they're shown just as people who happen to be fat.
We watched Jurassic Park... and the main bad guy is an obese man who had candy wrappers all over his very messy desk. It's just one example (the most recent one I can think of) of the media's blanket condemnation of the obese.
For years when I see someone larger than me I use it to justify my own size...."at least I am not that big." Funny, I have only gotten bigger over the years, but I think I judge myself more harshly than I judge others. Seeing big people at restaurants and grocery stores always makes me more aware of how I am probably perceived.
The whole watching fat people eat thing got me thinking. You guys are right...we see images of fat people eating huge plates of food, usually slouched over, taking huge bites of food and always with the camera in their face.
Now really...who looks good eating like that? I would be equally disgusted watching a thin person eat that way, and thin people DO eat that way. I think of myself on Biggest Loser and what they would do with me in those beginning shots because I have never stuffed half a burrito in my face. I would never take a heaping spoonful of mashed potatoes. I have always been a dainty eater.
As far as how I view other people who are fat now...things are shifting. I used to be part of that "club" mentioned earlier. I could give a smile to a fellow exerciser or a fellow obese person at the store. Now, not so much. I still give the friendly smile, because that's me, but I notice I no longer get the same smile back in return. I usually get eyes that look me up and down and then a slight scowl.
Generally, I get sad when I see someone that I can tell is struggling. I also remind myself that people probably still feel towards me like they do towards the obese people I see. I am still obese but not morbidly obese. Someone that sees me in the store doesn't know how hard I have worked or how much weight I have lost. I often wonder if the people I see are working on it or have posted here. However, it has been a long time since anyone saw me sitting in a car eating cake.
When exercising at the county's recreation center, I get the "Good for you" comments a good deal. Sometimes I want to answer that I have lost over 90 pounds and have been exercising a long time now.
Another question about this.... What if that obese person is not a stranger in a store or a parking lot but your loved one? I have a son that I am very worried about. I never say anything to him about his weight or what he is eating. Or I guess I should change that to rarely say anything. I don't think being the food police helps anything. I did say something about a month ago. We were traveling and stopped at an IHOP for breakfast. I had an omlet from their "healthy" section and only ate half of it. He ate a huge breakfast and then ate a couple of things from other people's plates that they didn't want. I knew how many calories he was eating because I had looked up the nutritional info earlier. Then we stopped for lunch at Subway and he had a foot long sandwich, chips and a cookie. Later that day he asked me how many calories I had had that day and commented he wanted to lose weight. I told him how many I had had and also told him that I had seen him eat 6000 to 7000 calories so far that day. I told him that he had gained at least a pound that day. IN ONE DAY. I told him nicely, as softly as I could. I was just so worried. No wonder he is gaining weight quickly.
Was I wrong to say something? Should I say something when I see him consume enormous amounts of calories?
PS - This is my adult son - 28 years old. I would definitely have to do something if he were a child.
I must be the most un-evolved person ever LOL I just don't care!
If someone asked my help, I would in a heartbeat, but I don't offer unsolicited pity (even in my mind) for ANYONE, because at my heaviest I didn't NEED PITY from anyone - i had a life, I had a fat life, but it was mine and I was OK. I never assume someone is miserable and less than I am just because they're fat.
Sometimes the SEAMSTRESS in me is annoyed when I see people (heavy or thin) squeezed into too tight clothing, because I know they'd look 100% better if it FIT them lol.
Unless I'm standing on the scale or looking in the mirror or at a picture of myself, I don't see myself as fat as I am. I see myself overweight.. but not super morbidly obese.
This is me. Unless I see a picture of me, I just don't see my fatness to the degree that it is. I know I'm working on it, and I can see numbers on the scale but it means nothing to me emotionally. Pictures are where it gets me.
I myself am a "mind your own business" kind of person when it comes to looks. If people look average dressed, they don't even hit my radar. You know -- neat, clean, but not esp. outstanding. Weight or size doesn't much matter to me. I just think "Oh, here's a person." and move on.
When they catch my eye it's at the extremes.
a) They are dressed esp. terrible! Thin or fat. I don't feel its attractive. And it makes me think -- "Ugh. That's not flattering..." And if the person is also large I think... "Oh, dear. That's playing into fat slob stereotype. C'mon! You can do better!"
b) They are dressed esp. awesome. I try to figure it out -- what is it about the outfit that flatters? Because I want to look that good even when I'm "in progress." And if the person is also large I think "Way to go! That person rocks it! Where does she shop!?"
I don't pay attention to how/what people order in restaurants. I am too busy dealing with my own family and enjoying our meal.
I don't participate in a lot of media -- TV, magazines, etc. So no comments there.
I don't really think about obese people in other terms unless they are in a scooter thing. Then my only thought is "how sad... I hope they are working on improving mobility... be terrible to lose it entirely. But good for them for getting out!"
So much for strangers.
Because I'm a "mind your own business" type I don't even know how to approach a sensitive topic like this with people I know.
I have 2 plus size friends who are opposites. One dresses to "hide" in baggy clothes and one dresses to "display" in too tight/too small type clothes. Neither are flattering. They'd both benefit from figuring out what is "fits me just right" for the place they are at.
Maybe it is weenie of me... but I just say nothing even though they are obviously in ill-fitting clothes and just hope for the best as they each work on their respective self-esteem issues.
A.
I posted something pretty similar to this a while ago. I do this all the time and feel pretty bad about it. I was 275 lbs at my highest weight yet find myself judging and looking down on other obese women.
I believe that it is self hatred. I see others that I subconsciously relate to and then project my dislike of being fat onto them. I think this is a human phenomenon, not that EVERYONE does it but it is far easier to hate the flaw in others that we most identify with rather than hate that flaw in ourselves. It removes the burden of doing something about it in ourselves. If I see a fat girl and think, "God, her back fat is really gross"-I am likely focusing on something I hate about myself (My back boobs). I don't have to do anything about her back fat but if I was thinking "My back fat looks like that. I hate my back fat" then I'd better get busy fixing it (I am actually).
I work really hard daily on not judging others. It is a work in progress. Someone posted an answer on my post months ago that they naturally assume others are thinking good things about them and then find themselves thinking good things about others. I try to do that.
Once a few years ago my son was in the hospital. I came out of the hospital in the evening after spending the day with my son. I found another car had literally boxed me in. They were parked maybe 10 inches from my drivers side door. I was SO angry after the day I had with my very sick son. What kind of jerk does that?? Then I realized a full 80% of the kids in that hospital (Seattle Children's) were there being treated for cancer, many many of them terminal. I immediately switched my anger to understanding and compassion once I shifted my mindset. The car didn't represent some a** that was infringing upon my personal space but a fellow parent with a very sick child, maybe they had gotten horrible news and were in a huge hurry to see their child one last time. I didn't mind then that that person parked me in. I just went around to the other door and climbed over the console.
I think it is all about how we look at the world. We are in charge of our minds and thought processes. If I find myself thinking something really snarky about another fat person, I try to remember the car in the parking lot and try to think of them with kindness.
...and everytime I see an obese woman (sorry you guys on the board!), my absolutely first thought is that I've just run into one of us fat chicks somewhere on the downslope of our weight loss...and I have to resist the urge to go over and say, "I'm hiya---who're you, how're you doing?"
I totally think this too! Then I remember that if I did say something, I could be really putting my foot in my mouth.
This is a really interesting and thought provoking post, and I'm both saddened and relieved that so many people agree with the OP, because I do the same thing. (Saddened because it's sad, relieved because if other people do it, I feel less guilty!)
I do hate it when they show people stuffing their faces, and I wonder about those clips on Biggest Loser. I mean, obviously, those were filmed after the contestant was accepted on to the show and after they've decided to become healthy--which makes me wonder if those food stuffying shots are staged. I mean, how often to you film yourself stuffing your face?
And in general in movies when they show obese people eating tons of food in such a sloppy way--I've never seen that in real life--because a lot of overweight people (myself included) hide that kind of excessive, out of control eating. It's not a social, public activity.
When I see people that are really overweight, I do feel a sense of connection with them, but I also feel a desperate need to distance myself from them--like "I'm eating healthy, I'm losing weight, I'm not like you" And then I feel horribily guilty and wonder if people think that about me. Because they don't know that I'm working on myself.
I guess we've really internatized fat hatred. It's so sad, I wonder how we can get over it. Or if we can even get over it.
I feel pity when I see someone extremely large, mainly because of the loss of mobility, but I do wonder if I inspire pity in the gym or yoga class. They have no idea what I didn't used to be able to do that I can now.
I must be the most un-evolved person ever LOL I just don't care!
If someone asked my help, I would in a heartbeat, but I don't offer unsolicited pity (even in my mind) for ANYONE, because at my heaviest I didn't NEED PITY from anyone - i had a life, I had a fat life, but it was mine and I was OK. I never assume someone is miserable and less than I am just because they're fat.
I'm right there with you, but I think it's evolution, not de-evolution. At least for me it's been an evolving process. The more I learned about people, the more compassion I had for others, the more I learned that you (and I mean you generically, it's something I learned to tell myself) you can judge people, in fact you will sometimes judge people whether you want to or not - but you will often be wrong. Pity is generally a useless emotion, because it judges but rarely helps. I remember being told over and over (in classes and jobs) that you can't help someone if you pity them, because pity is disrespectful.
I have a masters and bachelors degree in psych. For most of my life, I've worked 60 hours or more a week (or work/school combo) in social service and law enforcement (as a juvenile detention worker and as a probation officer - both jobs had a heavy social service component).
I've worked with people with developmental and physical handicaps, emotional problems, mental illness, substance abuse and addictions, social anxiety disorders, adult and child victims of all manners of abuse, chronic and terminal illness, eating disorders, compulsive and obsessive/compulsive behavior, impulsive behavior problems, lifeskill and social problems.....
The experience has taught me that the most attractive, successful-seeming person might be more screwed up than the most pitiful looking. As a probation officer, I've seen people with "everything going for them" (beautiful and successful, doctors, dentists, even lawyers) whose personal lives were a complete mess.
I've also met people with every disadvantage in the world, who are happy and living life to its full potential.
As a fat person, I face challenges. Everyone does, and challenges do not make you pitiable, they make you human. Fat isn't even my all-time greatest challenge, so I don't always assume that it's someone elses. They may be dealing with something a whole lot worse than their weight (and I'm not saying that weight isn't important, I'm just saying there are things that can be a whole lot worse).
Of all the things I've seen people have to live and deal with, I'll take my gross morbid obesity over a good many of them. I've worked with slim, gorgeous, intelligent people who I wouldn't trade lives with for every dollar in the world. I'd rather weigh 500 lbs, than live the lives of some of the people I've met, people who on the surface seem to have everything.
Surfaces are decieving. Of course it's easy to judge by the surface, because the surface is all we see unless we get to know the person better (even then, a remarkable amount of information stays hidden). But once you know what the surface can hide, it's a whole lot more difficult to pity people with "messed up" surfaces - because what can lie under the surface can be so much messier.
I've posted a few times about the fact that I live in Denver, and overweight and obese people are rarer in Colorado than in many other parts of the country. So I definitely do NOTICE heavier people because they (ok, we!) stick out more. I am conscious when someone else is bigger than me, I think I have a sense of relief actually, it's not just me.
I find myself being a little bit judgmental when I see people making bad choices - like the supermarket cart thread - I look and I can find myself feeling a bit smug if I see someone heavy with a cart full of junk. But I also want to cheer when I see someone big exercising (I don't actually cheer, but I do give a you go girl! in my head).
One of my own little quirks is that I would avoid dating heavy men, and a lot of that came down to not wanting to be one of those couples. I feel like I get enough negative attention on my own for my size, and I was always uncomfortable if I was with someone else big.
I am pretty clueless on how I look in comparison to others these days. I am top heavy which includes my face, so I still look really fat in photos. But I was brave enough to have my son take a couple of photos of me in a bathing suit recently and I didn't think my body looked as bad as I picture it in my head. I actually even sorta kinda thought my legs looked good.
Unless I'm standing on the scale or looking in the mirror or at a picture of myself, I don't see myself as fat as I am. I see myself overweight.. but not super morbidly obese. I still see the me that weighed under 200 pounds, the me that I was when I got married, the me that I was before I had 3 babies in 4 years.
As far as seeing others in public and wanting to say something to them, we talk about this kind of thing alot too. Society has become very different than it used to be. Now if you say hi to someone they instantly think you are a freak.. and how many times have you been out and someone sneezed, you said bless you and they looked at you like "just who do you think you are?" There have been many times I have wanted to say something to someone.. be it about weight or what ever, and haven't because you never know how someone will react.
I really hope no one takes offense to this post.. sometimes it's hard to allow yourself to be brutally honest because you know it may hurt someone elses feelings.
I totally feel the same way! I mean, I do feel obese, no doubt about that, but when I look at my face in the mirror, I really like it. But then, someone will take an unflattering pic, and I am faced with just how matronly I look. Just how much older and sedentary I look. Nothing wrong with looking matronly, if I were a matron!
Also, it is true about talking to people in public. Sometimes I am just lonely, and a very cheerful conversation can look odd to a lot of people. Even though you are just being friendly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by time2lose
Was I wrong to say something? Should I say something when I see him consume enormous amounts of calories?
PS - This is my adult son - 28 years old. I would definitely have to do something if he were a child.
Well, I wouldn't break it down how many calories you saw him eating, because he might then feel self-conscious. But, I feel if you approach it more like "when I was heavy I had these problems. I don't want to see you go down that same road. I love you. Lets do this together, and do it with good and tasty food way better than any restaurant."
The kindest advice I have received was from someone older who simply said they don't want to see me go through the health problems they have because of their weight (even thought I really don't think they are obese, but they do, sigh.).
I do think it comes down to self-hatred. The girl in the car eating is really, well, me. I eat all of the time in the car, and usually am in a binge mode or fast food eating mode.
Last edited by milliondollarbbw; 05-26-2010 at 12:10 PM.
Reason: easier to combine
Later that day he asked me how many calories I had had that day and commented he wanted to lose weight. I told him how many I had had and also told him that I had seen him eat 6000 to 7000 calories so far that day. I told him that he had gained at least a pound that day. IN ONE DAY. I told him nicely, as softly as I could. I was just so worried. No wonder he is gaining weight quickly.
Was I wrong to say something? Should I say something when I see him consume enormous amounts of calories?
PS - This is my adult son - 28 years old. I would definitely have to do something if he were a child.
It sounds to me like you did fine in your response to him. Answering the direct comment, then adding a little extra fact--that is fine, so long as you don't push on. Just drop the information and move on. Hopefully this will be working in his head, and you've definitely equipped him with a little piece of the "how to lose weight" puzzle.
The most important thing is to remain open to the conversation with him--be a resource to him when HE seeks out information. Don't push it or press it or attempt to "educate" him when he's not asking for it.
When I quit sugar 2 years ago, I didn't tell my husband I was doing it. But after a few weeks in, he could see things were changing, and I fairly casually suggested to him: "You know, if you quit sugar, I bet you could lose weight quickly and easily. What if you just tried it out for a month, see what happens? You can always go back to drinking Coke later, if you want." It took about a month for him to be ready to give it a try, but then he did...
And of course, 2 years later, he's as off the sugar as I am, and he's also lost about 85 pounds. I've incrementally changed a lot of other things in my diet, and his, and the kids', often through just suggesting. For example, he complained about not being able to complete his workouts easily recently, and I suggested that he think about increasing his protein intake. He took my suggestion, his workouts got easier, he's dropped a little more weight.
Baby steps. You'll get there Your son is fortunate that you are so concerned and loving, but don't feel like it all has to get done RIGHT NOW. If it takes 10 years for him to figure it out, that is OK--he's still relatively young.
