I agree with you but I see it in a different context. Rejection. Rejection can take years to get over because it is an assault on your self-esteem and self-worth. When you're kicked to the curb in favor of someone else, that might take years to ponder and overcome.
When someone is finished with a marriage or they're the one to file and walk out the door, quite often they can do it with little hurt as you say. It might take a man or woman years to reach that point where they feel the relationship is totally dead and they file for divorce. If their partner doesn't see it coming, well, they're left in the same hurt condition by the element of complete surprise.
It depends on who makes the break and why. And there's that unrequited love...a super intense crush of 3 months that goes nowhere but you're left wondering for a lifetime...if only...if only, where would we be. This is why so many high school reunions can result in old flames hooking up and throwing the marriage away. Unrequited love can look like the best thing in the world until a few years go by...high school flames hooking up and throwing spouses away. Then marriage happens and disappointment, back to square one. Context.
Rejection. Defining it and getting over it. Accepting it and moving beyond it. Can take years of a lifetime but once again, it is my hope for Kiwi that it does not take years. That she can get back out there into the sea and reel in a really good one the next time or simply enjoy dating, having some fun.
The really good ones love you no matter what you weigh or look like. They have love goggles on and don't take them off, even if you're not a Size 6 or 16. They wouldn't tell you to change anything about your looks.
Last edited by Hucklebeary; 11-11-2015 at 02:00 PM.
Kiwi, your pain and grief are normal, please remember that. Only you know how you are feeling and the depth of everything. Every relationship is different, no matter the time or type. Take your time
I guess its officially not a dream. I spent the last 5 hours supervising him taking everything out of the house. I don't understand how he could break down and cry so hard saying he doesn't wanna go, but he's in love. He acts sad that he won't be able to ever have his own kids. If it hurts him so bad then why do it? How is the only rational response, "Im in love." I've just lost my very best friend.
Gut punch. Facebook stalking is always a bad idea. I don't know why I did it. maybe because there was a small glimmer of hope as he sobbed barely able to keep a breath when he was taking things out of the house....looking around as if "what am I doing...this is so stupid." I stalked and I got burned badly. Facebook profile picture is now of that with him and her hugging, cover photo of the view from her back patio when he was at her house for a week after he dumped me and relationship status changed to "in a relation with, said woman" All of this within hours of him being so sad to leave. I unfortunately had to see him this morning (of course this was before all of my facebook stalking) because even then he kept saying, "I don't know what to do." According to social media, he knows what to do and what he's doing. He had clearly moved on from me prior to breaking up with me. His words and his tears are confusion and make me hold on to a gleam or shred of hope that I guess is not there. It kills me
maybe because there was a small glimmer of hope as he sobbed barely able to keep a breath when he was taking things out of the house....looking around as if "what am I doing...this is so stupid."
When I left my first husband I also cried big fat tears. They were tears of sadness about the end of a chapter in my life, that's all. I still knew it was absolutely the right thing for me to leave him. Don't try to second-guess the meaning of your ex's actions. If his feet are walking, it doesn't matter how many tears come pouring from his eyes.
And please, for your own sake, no more social media stalking of any kind. None, zero. Think of it this way: every time you connect with him in any way (or with his friends or relatives), you set your recovery back by an extra week, if not longer.
After the feeling that I had today and that I still have, I think I've learned my lesson. I hope I stick to the plan bc today was like the worst gut punch thus far. Stupid denial is not a helpful coping mechanism. It just makes the pain cycle in and out bc of small glimmers of hope. I hate the way that he made me feel. I hate the way that Im succumbing to it, but it's so incredibly hard to work my way out of this hole when getting in bed under the covers is so much easier. Yeah, I was in bed by 8PM last night and didn't get up until 715, but could've slept a lot longer if I didn't have that pesky thing called work
Facebook is the worst when it comes to this type of thing. I'm so sorry for the loss of your best friend and so much more. One day it will all be worth it when someone better comes along, but I know that is too hard to think about right now. Just try to get through each day as best you can.
Facebook is horrible for me. Today he came over to clean out the back patio of all the scrap metal that he had back there. I also needed him to show me how to use our lawn mower and quickly fix a toilet. He was nice enough to actually mow the lawn, but I guess that is my job from now on come spring time. He is basically over telling me that he's sorry bc he knows that it doesn't matter anymore. I had a mild panic attack and started hyperventilating for a moment. My home is basically completely void of him now, except for all the pieces that his parents contributed (a futon in the office, book shelf in the office, and a chair in the livingroom). Those are more memories of his parents and not him so its okay. When he left he had the nerve to say maybe one day we can be friends. WTF?!?!?!? We were friends. We were best of friends that did everything together and appeared to enjoy each other's time all the time. He's the one that ended the friendship, the relationship.....everything!!!!! At some point he even said to me, "I now realize it was always going to be her..." If that's the case, why date somebody for 10 years just waiting???? Why let somebody fall in love with you? SELFISH A$$HOLE. The sadness is slowly turning into anger. In a strong moment just after he pulled out of my parking spot, I went into my phone and deleted 100 photos. Pretty much any one that had him in it. It took him no time to erase me from his life so I am starting to do the same and not looking at his mess in my house is I suppose helping. I am not sure if I am ready to do the facebook cleanse yet, but I know it will have to happen soon. Still can't believe how much life has change din the last 3.5wks. It feels like a freakin year though. Time goes so incredibly slow now
Im working on it. I think I am less embarrassed about the whole thing bc i realize that I am not jerk in this situation. I was a good girlfriend who would have done anything for this man and he was the bad guy. Its such an adjustment period. Last night a friend forced me out to a birthday party and it was horribly awkward just being out and about.
I got a PM on facebook from a soccer teammate that was concerned about me since I've been MIA for the last mos. I told her what happened and she met up with me at the dog park. She gave me some more words of encouragement. I took a big step today and after the dog park went to the grocery store for the first time in a mos. I basically cleaned out my fridge earlier in the day. I bought a few things and it was actually really hard buying stuff just for me. I still don't know how to plan just for me. This is such a new adjustment period.
I also noticed one crazy thing today. I'VE NEVER LIVED BY MYSELF!!!! I started with my family, went to college and lived in a dorm room with a roommmate. In grad school I had an apt with a roommate and then switched roommates and then my ex-bf moved in. We've lived in 3 places since living together (including the house that I now own) and 10 years later, I live by myself. Thank God for the dog.
Today, I also made a list in chronological order by year of all the crappy things I put up with as a girlfriend. Now when I am sad, I look at it and it makes me angry. The upsetting part is that it doesn't make me angry at him. I get angry at myself bc even though we had good times we've definitely had many bad ones and I should have had more respect for myself and self worth to have ended it a long long long time ago. Maybe he would have been dead without me, but I wouldn't have stressed out so much and I would have loved myself more and maybe I might have met an amazing person that would've treated me like a queen. I can only look at this list and never forget it and never let it happen again bc of my insecurities
Today is extremely mixed emotions. Sorry that this thread has gone on for like a month now. He leaves today for Florida. He is all set with his Uhaul trailer in tow and everything. I am so heartbroken. I know everybody tells me that him leaving is a good thing and it likely is, but it still hurts like crazy. I can't believe that I was so in love with somebody for so long that didn't love me the same. I can't believe I let him string me along for so long bc I was in love. There were so many times in my head that I threatened to myself, "the shot clock is on." Of course I never set an actual time frame with myself or spoke with him about it. I let the relationship drag sucking me deeper and deeper in emotionally. I remember when we went to the Domincan Repubic last February, I thought I would talk with him about it bc it was a perfect romantic setting etc, but when we tried on engagement rings in January, I felt relieved that I didn't need to have the conversation. Obviously we were on the same page. I can't believe that he couldn't be true to himself so many years ago but instead leave such collateral damage (me) around. This is the hardest thing that I've ever dealt with. Im not 100% that the counselor is helpful but Im still giving her a chance. I just don't know what I am doing. Everyday is a haze and I am just putting one foot in front of the other kind of aimlessly. I wish I could just wake up one day and not feel this way. It kills me that he abandoned me and I feel so horrible while he is driving down to Florida with pure excitement.
You have said some very profound things over this past month.
The most important thing I see is that you've never been alone before. Fear is a powerful motivator for staying in a relationship past its expiration date.
You have repeatedly said this person was your best friend. You do not have to make out lists of all his flaws and turn him into the enemy now. Working up enough anger to turn him into the 'bad guy' is not the way to go.
Every day, you tell us he was your best friend. As with our other friends, they come and go. For various reasons, we lose touch or the friendship has worn itself out. We look back fondly on the good times but accept those friendships as having their own shelf-life. We don't make lists of flaws of our girlfriends so that we can kick them to the curb.
It will take time to learn to stand alone. Don't jump into anything right now. Having never been alone, there would be a tendency to pick the same identical personality all over again.
Your SO did not want to be alone either, for whatever those reasons were. Now, he's moved onto someone else. He must have the same fear of being alone. You have the opportunity to really grow now. Stand alone on your own.
Overcome the fear of being alone. Then you will attract another strong person who is your equal. Two strong and complete individuals.
Last edited by Hucklebeary; 11-17-2015 at 10:44 AM.
