I'm still really upset that I won't figure out how to get some exercise in today but at least I am showered and ready to go run my errands. I decided to definitely get the stuff to try and fix my pipes. The actually fixing will have to wait for another time.
I had lunch - salad, eggplant, ff pudding.
I do have large fluctuations in my weight at times (usually going up). If I have a bad day or so eating the scale jumps up a lot. I don't know if it's water or what but I don't like it. I need to buy jeans but will not do it today since I feel huge. I keep thinking that I should only weigh myself once a week but the scale keeps calling my name. Yikes!
I think that as I come up with habits in my new house things will go a lot more smoothly. As much as I did not want to, I seem to have become a Sunday grocery shopper. I have also started some regularity with some of my cleaning/laundry. Someday I'll have to shift some things to during the week but right now I am letting the routine make itself.
I agree with you 100% about feeling guilty and the emotions. Sometimes I also recognize what I am doing and thinking but I don't know how to stop myself. I don't write a food journal now but have in the past. Sometimes I'm not sure I want to delve (sp?) into all my issues. I guess if I really want to change I should do that. I think over the years I have learned why I eat, I just don't know what to do when the 'problems' occur. I don't yet have a substitute for the eating. If I ever get a better bf situation and/or make more friends in town I think the situation would be better because I would not be alone. Don't get me wrong, writing to you really helps but it isn't the same as picking up the phone and being able to talk to a friend or get together for a walk to get out of the house. Do you write a food journal? Have you in the past? You seem very in touch with your thoughts and feelings.
I'm glad you still have enough energy. 1500-1800 still isn't that many calories. I guess part of the proof will be when you weigh in the next couple of times. I think the protein powder is a good idea. One of the errands I am making today is to the health food store and I was thinking about getting some also. I just wonder if it helps at all with feeling full. I am guessing not since it is just a powder.
How is your organizing going? I am ready to leave for my errands. I just talked to bf and he his having a terrible day so I don't plan on seeing him tonight, which means I won't see him this weekend. To make matters worse he is talking again about moving away. I hate this. I am trying to be patient but it is very hard.
I know exactly what you mean Ang, writing with you guys helps for a lot of things – especially getting things straight in my head and clear out how I think about things – but it’s not a substitute for real life friends and people.
Buying clothes – yeah – I leave that for days I feel good about my body too. Why make it worse than it has to be, right?
Yes, I think you point right to the heart of the problem here: knowing what the problem is – knowing why I eat – but not knowing what to do about it! It’s so true! But I also know, from periods where I kept an “emotional” food journal (for a lack of a better word) – that there never is one big “solution” to what I should do about it.
And I sometimes I don’t seem to be very smart – because I have a couple of these “truths” and “epiphanies” I do over and over again. During good periods I know that I solve the problem differently each time; depending on the situation, on my emotions, my wants, what my options are, etc. Do I have other people there I can be with? Is it night or morning? Am I outside or at home? I just always forget these things – and end up throwing my hands in the air and give up! “I don’t know what to do with this!”
Sometimes I don’t even seem to want to solve the problems, you know?
I really wish for you that you find more friends, but you seem to be making friends all the time? You are so friendly, caring, funny, nice and smart – so I’m sure you make new friends quite easily. People at work, in your running and biking classes, in your neighborhood, etc!
Let’s try the protein powder! I’ve heard that it actually does fill up and help with hunger – but I’ll have to see it for myself before I believe it!
Why is your BF talking about moving? Is it some other job in another town he’s looking at? I must say I admire your patience in dealing with him! I’m starting to see why I’m still single! Heh!
My day turned out fine; I’ve gotten a lot of paperwork done. I also made an overall plan for the semester – I like having an overview - knowing when things are supposed to happen and how long I have before I have to turn in papers, etc.
Eating-wise: also good. The omelet was very good – I really enjoy lots of tomatoes and cheese and fresh pepper in omelets! Mmmm! As long as I get at least one meal during the day that taste really good and give me that “mmmmm!”-feeling, the day is not wasted for me! Because, you know, at least I got to eat well!
No matter what I tell myself, I feel like a loser for being home alone again on a Saturday night. I don't know how to make friends really. I have met everyone at work but none have become good friends and most don't live near me. I have the running club but I only see them when I run, which is not on weekend nights. There is one woman I am working on but nothing outside of running yet. I don't live in a neighborhood or have children so I am not sure how to make friends in town. The Newcomers group is starting up again in the fall so maybe that will help. I met my one town friend that way. Thanks for saying all those nice things about me. I try to be a good person but am very shy. I have a lot of trouble making friends. I also don't like to go out alone and since I technically have a bf I don't want to go out and have to worry about men hitting on me. I tried that once and no women wanting to talk to me. Maybe I just need to join something else this fall. I am thinking about a coed volleyball league through my town but haven't decided definitely yet.
Do you feel like you have enough friends? How long have you lived where you are? Any suggestions?
The more I think about what you said the more I think you are right that a food journal might be a good thing. Or at least a journal about what I am feeling each day to try and see what I can 'fix' in my life. Today I know I felt lonely and guilty about the last two days so I lost all my willpower (actually I think I just wanted to treat myself - whatever that means) and ate terribly for dinner. I'm done eating for the day though and plan to start fresh tomorrow. I will run my 6 miles in the morning and then am having coffee with that one woman I mentioned earlier. We are supposed to have sun so in the afternoon I should get some time on the farm.
While running my errands I had to didge a bunch of thunderstorms and actually remembered to get my flax seed meal (giving it a try since I don't eat fish) and forgot the protein powder. Please let me know your thoughts as you try it. I will put it on my list for things to get the next time I stop at that store. I don't know if I have as much trouble getting protein in as you since I eat meat, but if it is filling then that would be great.
The bf talks about moving because he lives with his parents so he has no tie to a house and he hates his new job so he is open to leaving the area if a good job opportunity presents itself. He lived in Texas and loved it for a number of years so sometimes he talks about moving back there. I know he is fed up with his job and needs out. He mentioned moving because he heard about a possibility of a job (in March) that would take him about 1 1/2 hours away. Although I wish he wouldn't say such things (b/c I don't want him to leave me or be so unimportant that he could leave me) I also know that he says a lot of stuff and I just wait and see what transpires. Most things never do. Also, he is applying for new jobs now so hopefully one will come up and this other opportunity won't even be necessary. It's just more waiting and patience. In a lot of ways you are very lucky that you are single. I am happier now that he realized I am being patient with him and he really seems to try to reassure me but in the end I am still lonely and won't know if this relationship is going anywhere until his life gives it a chance. I did meet another guy (nothing elicit) and after talking with him it made me realize even more all the things I love about my BF. He really is special and hopefully I am not waiting for nothing. Sometimes I wish I didn't love him so I could just move on but we can't control who we love. His birthday is coming up too and I am trying to think of a great gift. It is the big 40! Any ideas are welcomed. Right now I am basically at a loss because he doesn't have much free time so I don't know what he is interested in these days, except the farm.
Great job with the organizing. We seem to think a like in this area. I always planned out everything when I was a student. Now I am starting to plan out what to do with my house. It is amazing how much nicer it fills to have a plan.
You are so lucky that you can make things to eat that you really enjoy. I don't care for eggs too much, although I am going to try and eat some scrambled or hardboiled to help with my protein and variety. I think I screwed up my eating so badly that I don't know what I really enjoy anymore. If I can get my exercise settled down - plan is 3 times a week running and at least 1 time a week some other aerobic nonfarm exercise (probably biking). Do you think that will be enough? This doesn't include 3 times a week of weights. Anyway, after the exercise comes trying new and old foods and making a list of dinners (my breakfast and lunch plan that I started two weeks ago seems to be working) that I really find tasty. I may even not worry about the fat and carbs at this point. Basically this means that I will allow rice and pasta (try to control portions though). I think you are right that you should be able to enjoy at least one meal so you don't feel deprived or at least have one good thing in the day.
I also have a problem that I am a little afraid about money these days. While I was at the health food store I saw a lot of great things that I could eat and most were healthy enough. That store is so expensive though so I hardly bought anything. I know this is personal, but do you mind if I ask what you think a monthly or weekly budget should be for food for one person? In the end I guess my health and happiness should be worth more money if necessary. It is more important than some other things that I spend money on these days.
Sorry for the ramble. Did you do anything fun this evening? Plans for tomorrow? Do you think you will get that hike in? Enjoy whatever you do.
Maybe it would be a good idea to join the volleyball league (calories burned!) or other classes or clubs – it’s great if you find something you want to do, and get to know people at the same time.
Most of my friends here are fellow students that I’ve met and ‘clicked with’ in various classes the last four years (since I came here). But I also have a couple of friends from jobs I’ve had, and one from a choir I sang in for a couple of semesters.
My “old” friends are long-distance-friendships these days, but are probably the closest and most personal relationships I have right now.
And yes, even if I don’t have that many friends, I really think I have enough. I haven’t wanted to be very sociable since I moved here I think – I’ve had very outgoing periods before, when I worked and moved around a lot – but I have enjoyed the quiet the last four years. Studying is a lot of work, and it keeps me busy most of the time, if I let it.
It has probably to with how the last four years have been for me too, I suppose. My brother died a few months after I moved here, and the first two years after that I was grieving and was terribly depressed. I didn’t want to do anything or see anybody. I went to lectures, but went straight home as soon as I could after. It has changed gradually the last two years, but I still like to spend a lot of time alone. I like to read, write, watch movies, and listen to music – solitary things. But I am more outgoing now; I do spend more time at school, out with friends, building closer friendships with the people I like here.
But I do understand where you’re coming from Ang, and I have been in your position. I have lived places where available friends weren’t easy to find – and I did what you do: joined classes and clubs for things that interested me (choir, yoga, language classes), and looked for people at work who shared my interests. Have you tried through the net? Are there any places you could find local people searching for friends there?
You are right of course, we can not choose who we love. I know I’ve done some really stupid choices in my life too – and other times I’ve done what looked like stupid choices that turned out great. At least you realize what you love about him. And maybe you should give him some practical thing for the farm for his birthday then? Or were you thinking something romantic? (I suppose you could try to combine them…. )
Quote:
Originally Posted by shyangel
I think I screwed up my eating so badly that I don't know what I really enjoy anymore.
You know, I did that too. Have you ever read or worked with Geneen Roth’s books on compulsive/emotional eating? I worked myself through the exercises of one of her workbooks (“Why weight? A guide to ending compulsive eating”) one autumn some years ago, and it was the best invested time ever! Together with “Feeding the hungry heart”, “Breaking free from compulsive eating” and “When food is love” – those books changed everything about my eating.
But – as with everything else - it has to happen at the right time, when motivated and ready for it.
As for your exercise plan with 4 days cardio a week: that sounds very impressive and would really get your body start burning fat, I would think. Especially if you put in some weightlifting too.
I also very much like your dinner plan, and I think you’re completely right to focus on food that satisfy you. Work on the potion sizes, work on getting foods that both fill you up and are tasty.
Oh yes. Money. Yes, it *is* expensive at the health food store, isn’t it? I don’t go in there all too often. Being a student I don’t really have a lot of money (but neither do I have a house or a car or a student loan to pay off yet), so I buy most of my food at low-price stores. At least you get the vegetables for free!
I don’t think I’ve ever made a weekly or monthly budget – but I think I’m spending about 900 a month. That’s for everything except rent, electricity, insurance, etc. – so: food, coffee, cosmetics, movies, books, CDs & DVDs, magazines, sweets, clothes, and just *stuff*.
The rent, course-books, and bigger things (like the iPod Mini I’m craving and buying next month) – is not included. I get sick of not having much money sometimes (I just found the complete 9 seasons of X-files on Ebay and I *want* them! Now!), but mostly I’m doing OK.
Does it sound like a lot? Or little? I don’t really know how much other people spend on food and stuff every month either.
Your Sunday sounds great: first running and then coffee with your friend! And hopefully the farm later – wish you great weather, Ang!
I’m continuing on my cleaning process. I’ve gotten most of the papers out of the way – I’m washing clothes, later I’ll clean up here, and possibly make bread – and then perhaps a movie. I did yoga yesterday and my body feels good today, I think I want to do some more of it later today – I really reached some stiff muscles in my shoulders and back and managed to stretch them out a little. Have you ever tried yoga? I’ve done it on and off for 10 years, and some periods I really get a lot out of it – others not so much. I also did a Pilates class earlier this summer, but I’m not going to have the time for that this semester. I’m sticking with weightlifting and running for now, with some yoga and hiking thrown in during the weekend.
Talk to you later Ang. Hope you have an excellent Sunday!
I'll let you know if I join the volleyball class. Right now I am leaning towards doing it. I am not happy about the changes already taking place in the weather and the sun going down earlier. In the fall I think I will really appreciate having at least one night where I have something to look forward to doing after work. I remember how it was in school and you are right that it keeps you very busy. You have a built in network of people in the same situation that you are. I go through periods where I try to make friends and times where I don't. I don't always need to have someone around, but I would like the option of being able to call someone if I did want to talk. Hopefully things will improve this fall. Also, it's not all bad. I think it is worse because I have a bf and don't think I should be alone as much at night on the weekends. Actually, for better or worse, the bf called last night late and invited me over. Of course I went and then I spent the entire day today on the farm. It was a good day - just didn't get anything done at home. I also missed the run in the morning because I can't get to another state by 7am. Plus, I didn't get to bed early since I was with bf. In some ways I think my priorities are messed up, but in other ways being with him makes me happy and I am making our relationship a priority. It just makes me realize that I need to run and bike more during the week so if things like this happen I am still taking care of my body. The 4+ hours on the farm were exercise too though so it wasn't all a waste.
It sounds like the last four years have not all been so good for you. I am sorry about your brother and am glad to hear that you are starting to be able to move on with your life a little. I can't imagine how hard it was to keep up with school during those tough times.
I may try to the net to find friends but doubt it will work well for my area. Also, most men on the net are looking for more and most women don't seem to bother with the net for friends. I think it's just a slow process and I need to be patient.
I talked to bf about his birthday and he wants a new cowboy hat (which we will pick out togther) - I will oblige. I do want to get him something else too and would love to get something romantic although I don't know what - ideas? Something for the farm would be good too if I could only think of something that he needs. Since we are already picking there are not too many other things we need. I'll have to keep thinking about that one. If I knew where to look some cool signs for the veggies might be nice.
I have read some of Geneen Roth but I don't know that I was in the right place at the time. I'll have to consider picking up some of her books, maybe in the fall if I feel like I can concentrate on the eating.
For now I have more veggies than I know what to do with so when I am eating at home I do eat rather well. It is one thing I love about the garden. I brought home a bunch of tomatoes, eggplant and a pepper today. I already made my lunch for tomorrow and I'm looking forward to the veggies.
I don't know about spending money on food. I would say that I spend about $200-$250 a month at the market and then another $100 or more on eating out. It's probably more during 'special' months when I have events that take me to nice restaurants. I guess $50 a week isn't a lot at the market though. I'll have to try one week not worrying about prices and see what happens. I should also invest in stocking my pantry with dry goods and staples.
Your plans for the day sounded really good. Did you get to making bread and the movie? How about yoga? I took a yoga class a couple of years ago and liked it. I actually have two yoga videos that I may pull out this winter when the weather gets bad. I don't think the yoga does much for me physically (maybe some stretching) but if I'm in the zone it is good mentally. Like you I think it depends. I think your plan of running and weights is good. With the yoga and hiking you should have a good mix of aerobic activity.
What is going on with you at school this week? Do your classes start? I really envy you, especially because it has not been so long since I was in school so I remember it well. I really miss the flexibility I had in school. I know that if I had my time to myself I would be running/biking every morning again. I just can't do the 6am thing.
I have to get up early for work tomorrow so I am off to bed. It's been fun chatting this weekend - mette. It sounds like we both had decent weekends. btw - through another person I found out that bf wants children and another friend is trying to help me 'wake him up' so he starts paying a little more attention to me. Things could always be better but for some reason he makes me smile even in the 'bad' times.
Have a great Monday. I already packed my running clothes so I can run at lunch while at work tomorrow. I don't want another day to go by without running and I don't want to risk not running after work. I just hope I have shower stuff at work or it's going to be a smelly and/or wet afternoon.
Wow, I had a lot of reading to do to catch up when I got home tonight! I'm sorry you both dealt with bad weather. Fresno was in the low 100s, so for me that was hot and awful. Plus there always seemed to be cooking going on in the kitchen and lots of people milling about, so the air conditioner was not very effective either. I missed you both and was glad to read your posts from this weekend.
I'll give you a quick recap- Friday morning I got my hair done again. It's much darker and pretty short (just below my ears) so I'll probably shock some people at work tomorrow. I really like it and will now be forced to move away from the "librarian" look I usually have when I just pull my hair back in a knot every day. We'll see how I do with the "styling" thing, as I am usually too lazy in the a.m. to do anything with it. Finally got out of town at about 12:30 and got to my aunt's house at about 4 p.m. Friday night was pretty much just dinner and socializing. Saturday everyone went with the kids to the water park. My brother and I didn't want to go, so we spent the day together. We went window shopping in one of the "hip" neighborhoods, had coffee, played arcade games, shopped at the bookstore and had lunch. It was nice spending some alone-time with him. Saturday night we had a big dinner (there were probably about 20 of us, including all the kids) and played a game similar to Bingo. I won 4 times and finally just stopped playing because I felt bad that I won so much. One cousin supplied all of the prizes, and I ended up with some good stuff! This morning we had a big breakfast and went through old family photos that my aunt is scanning and printing for family members. It's a lot of work to go through the bags and boxes of pictures and I was pretty burned out after about 2 hours of deciding which pictures I wanted. It was interesting though, because we got to hear stories about relatives I'd never met, great grandparents, distant uncles, etc. Anyway, got home tonight and am spending time with Mike before he leaves again for a week.
It was nice to see my family, although like Mette said, I go through times when I'm social and times when I need alone time. I was a little overwhelmed by all the people and chatter and kids and socializing... I found myself pulling out my book and going to the other room for awhile to read, or stepping outside for a smoke just so I could be away from all the activity. I probably seemed distant, or snobby or something, I just couldn't take it all constantly. My two older cousins are both married to REALLY wealthy guys, both in computers (one inherited a ton of money, too, and the other is like a VP at Cisco Systems) and were constantly talking about their vacations to Europe, private school for the kids, sending other peoples kids to college, how they pay $1000 a month for a gardner, blah blah blah... They are also both full time moms. They don't brag, don't get me wrong, are very down to earth, I just felt like I couldn't have LESS in common with them. Sometimes I'm too focused on my life, what I want, what I don't have, whatever. I wish I could be more outgoing and supportive and fun in situations like that, I guess. So anyway, that part of the weekend kind of made me feel not so good about who I am and my life. Maybe I just need to learn to relax.
Anyway, I can't address everything you guys posted this weekend, otherwise I'll be up all night! But Ang, I don't have many friends either and I've lived here practically all my life. Most of my close friends have moved away, or went away to college and are back but have different lives now, families, etc. I have the group of friends that I had the fallout with, and really, I don't have much in common with the people at work. I like the idea of joining a group or doing volunteer work to meet like minded people, I'm just not sure what I want to do... I also used to be into bars and clubs and tended to have friends (or more acquantances) that were into "partying" which I can't stand anymore. I guess my lifestyle has changed a lot in the past couple of years and I just haven't met many new people since that time. Most of the time I'm just content to spend time with Mike, but I do miss having close girlfriends to talk to about stuff. I know it can be really hard when you end up spending all of your evenings alone, believe me I've been there. Like Mette, my interests tend to include more solitary activities like reading, listening to music, writing, art, things like that.
It's really good news about the bf wanting kids! I wish you would have heard that from him directly, but it's still good news. I'm glad you got to spend some time with him this weekend, I know you need to get as much time in with him as you can given your schedules. I also think you are an intelligent, kind, wonderful person, just like Mette said. You deserve the best!
Mette: Good for you on the organizing! It really does feel good to have things in order. I was much like you when I was in school, had all my notes typed up on the computer, very organized. I loved it and miss the studying, tests, and lectures alot. Sick, I know! I bought some filing "baskets" last week and made hanging files for all of our paperwork. I finally tamed the paper monster which was taking over the house and things feel much calmer now. Did you get to see the movie? Anthing good?
As far as a food budget, I think it's really hard to say. I usually feel like I'm spending less when I eat out more, but I know that isn't true. When I buy groceries for me and Mike, it's typically about $135 a week (which includes usually one or two expensive cuts of meat like new york steaks or filet mignion, and chicken breasts, which seem to cost alot too). When I was eating healthy before and just shopping for myself (and was a vegitarian) it was about $65 a week, but I was also more concerned about my budget then. I know I probably spend more on food than I need to, and end up buying too much produce that goes bad before we eat it. I'm getting better about that, though.
Anyway, I've posted enough already, I'm sure. I hope you guys have a great week. I'm back to work tomorrow so it should be interesting to get back into the swing of things. Look forward to talking to you two this week!
P.S.- I don't even want to TELL you about all the horrible (but really good!) things I ate this weekend. But it included something like tri-tip, hommade peach ice cream, carrot cake, lasagna, chicken caccitori, hamburger, alcohol (I had one BIG drink and I don't even know what was in it), french toast, bacon, etc. etc... I'm really afraid to see what the scale has to say tomorrow, but boy was it good!
Glad to have you back Jessica. It sounds like all-in-all you had a good weekend. Glad to hear it. Your day with your brother seems like a special treat for you.
What made you decide to get your hair cut short? What did everyone say at work? Different can be wonderful though and the short cut may force you to put a little effort into doing your hair in the morning and maybe it will make you feel even better about yourself during the day because you'll have a cute haircut.
I just looked at the clock and realize that I need to get to the lab to run my subject. I'll be back later.
btw Jessica - I had a very bad eating weekend and have no excuse. I'm glad you enjoyed what you ate though. Today is a new day and back to 'life'.
I’m starting to believe that you guys are right, and that my hunger is part of an increased metabolism – after introducing weightlifting and more protein – because I’ve lost another 2lbs this week! I’m now 1 pound away from the “point of maintenance” – so I think I just started maintaining today. A couple of months before my original plan, but that’s OK. So - I’m officially a maintainer as of today! Yey!
I’m also one pound away from 60lbs lost! The numbers of pounds I’ve lost are starting to get impressive too.
I’m not sure how to do this – but I’m thinking that I’ll continue eating between 1500 and 1800 calories – and see to that I have a couple of more days a week where I eat 1800. I have been trying to average on 10.500 calories a week, and think I’ll aim for 11.500 this week.
What do you guys think? Too much too fast? Try it and see what happens? Sounds OK?
Ideas and thoughts are very welcome, as always!
And Ang – it was very nice chatting with you this weekend. And it’s also very nice to have Jessica back!!! Welcome home, Jessica!
Ang, you’re right that it’s about having the option to call and meet up with people. When solitude is chosen, it’s not loneliness. And as I said, I have been where you are now, and it also occurred while I was working – being a student is easier, there’s always a lot of available people around.
As long as you enjoyed your time with the BF and your weekend Ang: that’s really the important thing! And the cowboy hat sounds like an excellent birthday gift! You could add small romantic stuff for the day and celebration itself – you know, like chocolate, good vine, candle lit dinner… OK, I have to stop now. I just realized that every romantic thing I can think of includes lots and lots of calories!!!!
Are you creative enough to paint signs for the vegetables yourself? That would be a great gift!
My classes started last week – we’re doing community psychology and health psychology right now, which is OK. Not overly interesting, but not a complete bore either. We’re going to do a term paper on a subject we chose, so I’m going to write about adolescence and depression, and use the things I learned during summer. Oh yes. Why waste it, when it’s there?
Later we’re doing neurobiology and psychology; I like biology so I hope I’ll like the course.
And I know just how lucky I am: I love being a student too.
Jessica, your hair sounds wonderful! Glad your weekend was very nice too. Alone-time with your brother and a lot of time with your relatives – I get that it was nice, but also pretty exhausting!
So, did I know that you smoked? I was actually surprised to read that you went out for a smoke, but I think you’ve mentioned it before. It says something about the ‘default’ in my head: these days I think of everybody as nonsmokers until proven smokers! While I smoked it was different.
I’m sorry the weekend left you feeling not so good about yourself and your life, Jessica – I hope it went away once you got home again? I think it’s important to look at what we’re happy with and what we want to change in our lives, but feeling low is never good.
I have to stop writing and get going. Have great Mondays. And where did Renee go?
Hee, morning ladies. Yup, another fun (but not so healthy) weekend was had. It was the last few days my dad was visiting, so Sat. we went out for breakfast. I had french toast, bacon and milk. Yuuum. We ran around shopping for a while, then drove him to the airport. He had to get his last Portillo's meal in. (Chicago Hot Dog chain. Very very very very yummy.) We ate there like four times this week! Another hot dog, beef or tamale and I am going to burst like a pinata! He really enjoyed it though.
Saturday night was another party! Oy! Ya know, I never was into the party scene or anything all through my 'party years' - now that I am tipping towards the big 3 0 - I am all like clinging to my youth and trying to catch up on what I missed. Granted, we really don't do it all the time, just recently it's been pretty active. What with Softball ending, Fantasy Football starting, our friend from overseas station (Air Force) comes in next weekend.
But still it was fun. I haven't watched what I've eaten, or looked at the scale. I don't think I am going to - I know that I've been bad and I think I will just ignore it for right now. My friends come in on Wed. so there is little chance of being able to accurately count calories or avoid this or that until they leave. I _AM_ going to give up Soda this week though. That's something I can do. Maybe I can learn to like Diet... *CRY* ( Or not. At least I really like water already.
My sister is still reading the South Beach book - and some of the lines she is reading are really starting to scare me! I am going to keep a positive outlook and hope that after that first phase, my body doesn't WANT the things it says I cant have anymore.
Like... mashed potatos? Cry... no don't take my spuds away.
Anyway. Todays plan: Drop the soda. Enjoy the visit from my friends on Wed. through Tues. REALLY enjoy my 3 days off work and my 5 day weekend. *drool* Keep a positive attitude, and really really try to not let work bust me up too much.
Oh! Side note. Everyone is back in the office. Yaaay!
Jessica - some very wise people have told me that you cannot compare yourself to others. I know it can be hard when you are among people that seem to have different things than you, but now that you are back in your life, can you appreciate all the things you have? You seem pretty happy with your life, don't let one weekend change that.
Congratulations mette on your weight loss. I had no doubts. I think you have made a good decision to start maintaining now. It seems like it will do wonders for you mentally. If you continue to lose will it bother you? You are amazing! If I could be as 'good' as you I would be half way to my goal by now.
mette - at 11,500 a week you are only adding 1,000 calories per week which is less than 150 per day. I don't think it is too much. If you are losing 2 pounds in one week then your 'deficit' is actually 7,000 calories! I do think you should gradually increase your caloric intake, but you will probably find that you need to be around 1800 every day to not continue to loss (maybe even 2000 eventually). I also know that there are some psychological things that you probably have to go through to shift to maintaining and I am not going to pretend to understand all of those. Particularly since you have been hungry lately, I would go for 1800 a day and see what happens. Let us know of course.
Coming up with nonfood romantic stuff is hard. Jessica and Renee, do you have any bday gift ideas that are romantic? Unfortunately I am probably not creative enough (and don't have the time) to make signs that would be worthy. To bad he already has overalls.
Just at hought in my head to share - today i talked with bf really briefly and he was telling me about something that he thought he already told me. No wonder he doesn't talk to me more, he thinks in his head that we are having these great conversations. It is so sad to see him so scattered and stressed. I know it's not my problem, but what's a girl to do?
mette - your classes sound interesting. Although I don't think I would want to be a psychologist, I always loved studying psychology. People are so interesting.
Jessica - I was also surprised to read that you are a smoker. How long have you smoked? Any thoughts about quitting? (I promise I won't preach. )
Renee - glad you had such a good weekend and what seems like a fun visit with your father. You also seem to be doing so much socially - good for you. I envy you.
Giving up soda Renee is a good idea. I have read so many times that people can drink themselves into being overweight. I gave up most nonwater drinks a couple of years ago. I actually like water and when I have something else now it really tastes too sweet (even diet) or just not as thirst quenching.
Good luck at work Renee and Jessica. Renee - good plan for the day. Let usknow how it went, especially the positive attitude since that is so important for accomplishing all other goals.
So far I have been relatively good with my eating today and my attitude. As bad as I feel mentally and physically after eating way too much crap since Thursday night, I keep telling myself that it took four days to eat the food and put the weight back on so it will take AT LEAST 4 days to get it out. I need to get to the grocery store to help stay on track. I had a SlimFast shake this morning, lunch was a tomato, eggplant, some cheese, yogurt, and 2 thin slices of chicken breast and a small piece of chocolate . I have an apple for later. I ran 30 minutes at lunch time and will spend an hour on the farm tonight. I don't know what else I might have tonight but it will probably be more eggplant, tomatoes and green peppers (yes, all from my garden). Yum.
Well my sister and I did something bold tonight. It's left me really depressed, and what I thought would be good motivation, has me completely crushed emotionally. We were/are determined to do the South Beach Diet (starting after my visitors leave so I don't cheat on Phase I) so we took our weights. (No big deal, still 183 phew) Our measurements.. (my THIGH is what my waist should be *puke*) And then pictures in two piece bathing suits. I was shocked. I have been hiding the truth from myself under baggy clothes and avoidance. I used to say 'yah I could lose some weight, I'm chubby'. The truth is, what I saw in those pictures today were two fat girls. It's got me nearly physically sick. And angry too! I know that as bad as I feel - tomorrow at work, I will adopt a shove it to the side mentallity and not stick with anything. I don't know what to do anymore! I wonder sometimes if I am mentally depressed (I dont think so...?) but I just can't stay on track with anything. I get to lunch hour at work, and go, "Wow it's nice out, I should walk.. no walking sucks, I'll just drive down to Taco Bell and get really bad stuff to eat. That's more fun."
My plan to give up Soda? Failed at lunch. Or to at least try and make better choices? Failed. I ate so bad today. Just like I have all week. Exercise? Haven't done a drop in ages. Everything seems like it's a) a burdern and b) useless - I guess I feel like a completely lost cause on this.
And it makes me so mad, because at night, sometimes I can work myself up into really wanting and expecting to get it right. But the second I wake up that mood, that desire, that... everything is gone! I want to change how I am. I want to be healthy, I want to have the energy and range of motion that I used to have. I want to be able to wear shorts in the summer. (It's been four years since I put shorts on in public - and we are talking summers with temperatures in the mid to upper 90's) I want the old me back, but all I can see is this ugly person in the mirror - no sign of what I want to see. And, if there's no light at the end of the tunnel, why bother going through it?
Sigh, I am really sorry to dump such sad pathetic garbage on you guys. I just need to find a way to get out of this hole, find a reason to start climbing or something.
So yah, anyway. Today sucked big time. I didn't stick to any of my goals, or anything. Work sucked again. My boss and controller came down on me, started talking at me like I'm an idiot because I can't keep up with how often they change the rules on how things should be done. One day it's Renee, the sky is blue, I told you the sky was blue... you shouldn't have to ask me that, do some work and remember the sky is blue. The next day it's, What made you think the sky was blue? It's green. You should have asked me to verify that for you. I don't know where you got that it was blue... it's always been green.
And you just can't argue with the Owner of the company. So really, I have a no win situation. I think that job really is giving me a lot more stress than I am skilled to handle. I gotta find a way to start fresh. On everything.
Anyway, sorry again, thanks for letting me have a place to /rant when I need to.
Ang and mette: Yeah, I'd mentioned the smoking thing before when we all first started writing to each other. I know, as "healthy minded" as I've become it seems a little contradictory that I would have such a bad habit. I've smoked since I was a teenager which I have since learned was such a critical mistake; I use it as a crutch, like some people use food, to deal with celebrations, stress, sadness, any emotion really... And since I started before I developed real coping skills, it's not just the physical addiction I have to overcome but also learning new emotional skills as an adult that I never really had to develop. I know I need to quit, in fact I'm reading a really good novel right now about a woman dying of cancer and it scares the daylights out of me. Mike smokes too, and the health risks are even more apparent to him because his father died of emphasema when Mike was only about 13 years old. That's a whole different issue that I have to deal with someday, in addition to the eating and exercising. I can't really go there right now.
Mette: You are so awsome!!! Two more pounds is outstanding. See, it is your metabolism!!! Congrats on all of your achievements so far, and I hope we can help you during your maintaining period, too. I agree with Ang, you may need to increase your calorie intake even more than you're planning if you continue to lift weights during your 9 months of maintenance. Maybe just slowly start increasing and monitor what happens with your body. Remember too that you will be gaining muscle, which will weigh more than fat but which will also in turn require more calories to maintain. It shouldn't be so complicated, huh?
Ang: I think my "unhappiness" over the weekend came not so much from envying what others had or not appreciating what I have, but from worrying that they would judge me for what I don't have or for what my life is like. I wasn't willing to put myself out there for everyone's scrutiny, so I just listened to them tell their stories and kept mine to myself. I guess I was most upset with myself for not having the confidence to be proud of who I am and where I am in my life, not with my life itself. It's that self-conciousness and self-esteem thing that I think we're all dealing with to a certain extent. I didn't think my life was interesting enough to share with everyone while they told stories of their world-travels. Money has never been a big deal for me, as long as I'm comfortable I'm happy. The simple things in life make me happy, like Mike leaving a sweet note for me to find this morning after he left for his trip. I don't have kids to talk about, I have cats. I don't get to travel the world, I go to work every day and work hard. These types of stories just don't sound that great when you're in a room full of active, bubbly parents with more in the bank than my house is worth. Anyway, I'm looking at this all closely and will try to work on being myself, not caring what other people think, being proud of my life. It's not easy, I'll tell ya!
As far as things to do for the bf's birthday... I had a thought, and it might be silly but I'll share it anyway. My vision is of an outdoor, romantic picinic at night at the farm. A blanket, candles, dinner, music on the portable stereo... I was just thinking that the farm is one place that you both really seem to enjoy being together, maybe that would be a good place for a romantic evening? I don't know how the logistics would work, if there is a good spot to set it up, or how you would get him there to surprise him (but I think a surprise would be best) but it seems romantic when I picture it. And mette's right; it IS hard to think of romance without thinking of food somehow! The other nice thing might be to try and book a room at a bed and breakfast or spa type hotel where you could get away for a night or two. Again, given your schedules it might be hard to arrange, but it sounds like getting away even for 1 night would do him some good since he's so stressed out.
That's what Mike's doing for me in September for our 9 month anniversary. He booked 2 nights at a spa-resort place up north of here. Did I mention I get the feeling that he might propose to me during that trip? He's made a REALLY big deal about it, reminding me, saying "only x weeks until our vacation..." calling the hotel several times to make sure the room is reserved, researching it online and talking with his friends who've been there about it... I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into it. It will be interesting!
By the way, I forgot to mention I'm so sorry you had such a hard time this weekend, especially with your bad food days. I gained 3 lbs since last week, so I know how that feels. I hope you were able to go shopping and stock up on the healthy food for the week so you'll be happier with your eating by Friday. You have really been doing so well, and all your fresh veggies sound so good!
Renee: Wow, you really have been having a great social life lately, huh? I hope that's helping to relieve some of your stress. Yeah, like I've mentioned before, the "South Beach Diet" was a bit difficult for me to stick to, and I LIKE to cook. There was way too much preparation, and it was really restrictive the first two weeks. In fact, I only managed it for 1 week, but I lost 7 lbs in that week. I know it wasn't fat that I lost, but still pretty impressive. I'll be interested to find out from you how you like the diet and if it's working for you. Keep us posted! The soda thing would be good to give up. I've never liked soda much, so it hasn't been a big deal for me. There is so much sugar in those drinks, I bet that alone would boost your energy and help you lose weight. Let us know how that goes.
Anyway, enough babbling for one night. Hope everyone had a good day. Talk to you all tomorrow!
Renee- I missed your last post before I posted mine. So sorry about that. I have a question for you. When you think about the course of your life, think hard about timelines, where you've been and what you've done, think about where you were when you lost your flexibility, started gaining weight, and stopped being that person you were. Maybe for you, exploring some of the issues surrounding other aspects of your life, social, work, family, and the choices you've made in the past would be a good tool to figure out why you're not following through with sticking to goals, how you got here in the first place, where your motivation comes from, what purpose food serves in your life, etc. I don't claim to have all of this figured out for myself, not by a longshot, but I think our health is tied pretty closely to our state of mind. Have you thought about starting a journal?
I'm so sorry you are feeling so discouraged. The "bathing suit" photo can really be a wake-up call. I've done it. It's not pretty. Don't let that derail your plans. You really can do this, I think we all just need to do a lot of soul searching to be truly committed and successful.
Have you had any luck with the resume? I'm sure work isn't helping matters in the least. And please, don't ever feel like you have to appologize for ranting here. You just need to get it out and explore how you're feeling and this is the perfect place to do it. Again, maybe writing in a journal could help you find some perspective, too.
Well my sister and I did something bold tonight. It's left me really depressed, and what I thought would be good motivation, has me completely crushed emotionally.
...
Anyway, sorry again, thanks for letting me have a place to /rant when I need to.
For the most part you can just reread Renee's post and put my name at the end. Renee, we both seem to be in similar places and it sucks. Hopefully we will all be able to help each other but I know I don't know how.
It's a very bad mental/emotional day here too. I have so much work to do too but just can't give a sh*# or get focused.
I just wanted to add thanks to Jessica for your posts. I think your idea is great for the bday. I'll see if that can be arranged since it will depend on his schedule.
I'm sorry I can't write when I get upset like this but it makes me think and feel, which makes me more upset, and I can't do anything about it while at work so it just makes me feel worse. I think you can imagine the cycle. I'll try to write later and really apologize for being self centered right now.
Last edited by shyangel; 08-24-2004 at 09:59 AM.
Reason: read Jessica's posts
Renee and Ang: I’m really sorry you two are having such a crappy day. Please take care of yourselves.
You both know you’re always welcome to rant here.
And if I can say something, I wish you would stop beating yourself up, Ang. When you put in your signature that your results are pathetic – that's really not a very nice or good thing to say. Which, of course you know. It’s just that when you’re feeling really lousy, there really is no use in making it worse! Right now, your signature is making it worse, I think.
There is no way your results are pathetic. You have lost 55lbs since 2002 – there is no way you can overlook that. So you had a bad spring and summer trying to figure out your new life? Well at least you maintained your weight and didn’t gain up toward 242 again! Which is an accomplishment in itself! I understand that you’re feeling lousy and get depressed sometimes, but your results are never pathetic.
And could you please consider taking it out of your signature?
Jessica – about the smoking – I don’t think quitting should be taken lightly either. When I quit, I had been smoking forever, and I also used cigarettes instead of better coping skills. And quitting was quite a struggle for me, so I think you’re smart when you choose your battles - trying to quit when not fully motivated is a completely waste in my opinion. It takes everything you’ve got to do.
And I hope you are OK and feeling fine, Jessica. You have every reason in the world to be proud of your life. But still, sometimes it’s easy to get sidetracked and get caught up in other people’s glamorous lives!
And - if Mike proposes – will you say yes? Do you want him to?
Great thoughts about thinking of your life in terms of timelines – I suggest journals too. And therapy. (Well, yes, I know I’m biased – but I still think most of us could use some time with a therapist and work through issues in our past that screw up our present). I did therapy for 2 years, I stopped going last spring – and am considering to start up again this winter. I like having a place where I can make sense of all the confusing emotions and moods that’s been messing things up for me.
And just a quick word on protein powder: not a big success so far. A big NO for putting it anywhere near my oatmeal or dip (cottage cheese + hot hot salsa) – it just tasted *wrong*. I also tried it with milk – as a shake – and that activated my gag reflex and bad memories from countless diets on liquid shakes. So a very bit NO to that.
But OK in my oatmeal pancake, and also in muffins. So far. I will try to make a proper smoothie with plain yogurt, banana, kiwi and maybe some mango – and see if the protein powder is OK with that.
update on day
To make matters worse he is talking again about moving away. I hate this. I am trying to be patient but it is very hard.
)
I'm sorry you both dealt with bad weather. Fresno was in the low 100s, so for me that was hot and awful. 
Plus there always seemed to be cooking going on in the kitchen and lots of people milling about, so the air conditioner was not very effective either. I missed you both and was glad to read your posts from this weekend. 
I really like it and will now be forced to move away from the "librarian" look I usually have when I just pull my hair back in a knot every day. We'll see how I do with the "styling" thing, as I am usually too lazy in the a.m. to do anything with it. Finally got out of town at about 12:30 and got to my aunt's house at about 4 p.m. Friday night was pretty much just dinner and socializing. Saturday everyone went with the kids to the water park. My brother and I didn't want to go, so we spent the day together. We went window shopping in one of the "hip" neighborhoods, had coffee, played arcade games, shopped at the bookstore and had lunch. It was nice spending some alone-time with him. Saturday night we had a big dinner (there were probably about 20 of us, including all the kids) and played a game similar to Bingo. I won 4 times and finally just stopped playing because I felt bad that I won so much. One cousin supplied all of the prizes, and I ended up with some good stuff! This morning we had a big breakfast and went through old family photos that my aunt is scanning and printing for family members. It's a lot of work to go through the bags and boxes of pictures and I was pretty burned out after about 2 hours of deciding which pictures I wanted. It was interesting though, because we got to hear stories about relatives I'd never met, great grandparents, distant uncles, etc. Anyway, got home tonight and am spending time with Mike before he leaves again for a week. 
I found myself pulling out my book and going to the other room for awhile to read, or stepping outside for a smoke just so I could be away from all the activity. I probably seemed distant, or snobby or something, I just couldn't take it all constantly. My two older cousins are both married to REALLY wealthy guys, both in computers (one inherited a ton of money, too, and the other is like a VP at Cisco Systems) and were constantly talking about their vacations to Europe, private school for the kids, sending other peoples kids to college, how they pay $1000 a month for a gardner, blah blah blah... 
They are also both full time moms. They don't brag, don't get me wrong, are very down to earth, I just felt like I couldn't have LESS in common with them. Sometimes I'm too focused on my life, what I want, what I don't have, whatever. I wish I could be more outgoing and supportive and fun in situations like that, I guess. So anyway, that part of the weekend kind of made me feel not so good about who I am and my life. Maybe I just need to learn to relax. 
