I "introduced" my parents to my boyfriend last night on Skype. During the call, I got up and walked around a bit. When my Mom saw me, she said, "Boy, you're getting skinny, I could tell just from looking at your legs!"
My boyfriend picked up on this and later said, "I don't know if this is a sensitive issue or not but how much weight have you lost?"
I fudged it. I didn't say almost 50 pounds. I said, "Five or ten since they last saw me." I froze because of the stretch marks I have...he had to have seen them yesterday morning. He didn't say anything and his behavior hasn't changed but I have a feeling his seeing them and their comment connected the two in his head.
I feel ashamed of myself, ashamed that I ever got that bad. He's such a nice person but I'm still afraid and now I feel nervous that I kind of lied...technically... Should I just let it go? The way I answered was vague but the information itself was correct...I just didn't actually answer his question...
Obviously, at some point, he's gonna know, if we stay together I can hardly hide them for 40+ years... It's kind of just like...a dark rain cloud hanging over my head, even on the brightest of days.
I think the bigger question is - why do you think you lied? And... lies are a slippery slope.
People will know you lost more than 10-15 pounds when they see you. There is probably photo evidence as well (and destroying your past/photos is not a good idea).
I know you are ashamed of the weight gain, but you are human. We make mistakes. Forgive yourself and move on and give yourself permission to be honest about being human and making mistakes. And then, come clean and be proud of what you have accomplished.
When the weight thing comes up again (and it will). Say, "You know, last time I said I lost 10-15 pounds, but that's not true. I said that because I was ashamed of gaining so much weight. But I realize that losing the weight and getting healthier is nothing to be ashamed of and being ashamed of myself isn't healthy either. So, in reality, it wasn't just 10-15 pounds. I've lost nearly 50 pounds and plan to lose a bit more and to keep it off."
I think sometimes too we don't give guys enough credit. Obviously my husband knows I gained weight, lost weight, gained weight, etc. He's never once said anything about my stretch marks (and I do my best not to point them out to him). But I can tell you, if and when he ever notices them, there is usually more going on than body mark inspections (i.e. nakedness!). So I can pretty much guarantee that if your boyfriend is seeing body and skin, there are other things on his mind!!
Our bodies show our battle wounds, that's how I look at it! Gaining weight tried to literally kill me when it contributed to me getting sick. Losing this weight is part of my healing and I'll take all the marks I get. And there is no reason to lie about it, even if you don't want to tell all the exact details. Instead of saying 15 or 50, say "more than a few" or "you don't even want to know!".
I lied because I didn't want the weight gain connected to those marks, I didn't want him to think, "Oh gross, former fat girl." In all honesty, the ones on my calves and whatnot formed even before I was overweight. No doctor knew why they were there. The ones on my stomach, however, formed after that.Those are the ones I dread. Those and the ones on my arms.
I could have sworn I saw him do a double take when I raised my arms above my head once. I'm so scared of what he'll think of them and me. His ex is so pretty and he's so handsome and then there's me.
Tell him as soon as you think you might be even remotely ready. Or even if you don't feel ready, you might just have to take a deep breath and let it out. It sounds like the fact that you've lost 50 pounds is really personal information to you, and I think if I were you, I'd try to find a time in the next couple of days to be like, "It took me off guard when you asked me about my weight loss. I was nervous to tell you, but I've actually lost more like 50 pounds." Go from there.
I mean, either the relationship is going to work out or it's not. If he's not cool with stretch marks, then I guess it won't work out (with you or probably ANYONE! I started getting stretch marks in jr. high-I'm pretty sure everyone has them!), but if you really like him, then he at least deserves the chance to prove you wrong, right??
I would tell my mom to stop bringing up my weight in front of other people. I hate comments about my weight and it's even more awkward in front of someone who isn't a family member. I also would stop worrying about what he thinks of your stretch marks. Your insecurity about them is going to call more attention to it and is more unattractive than the stretch marks. I had stretch marks on my hips and breasts from going through puberty even though I was only 100 lbs. so not all stretch marks have anything to do with being fat. Do some tanning (real or fake) and you won't notice them as much.
I would tell my mom to stop bringing up my weight in front of other people.
Yeah, I was kind of agitated that she did that. She didn't mean to, she doesn't really understand discretion. I'm frustrated that I feel added pressure now, though. Oh well...Mom's...
summerkate, you make a good point. If he has a problem with them, it will come out regardless. I think he saw them yesterday morning during, ah, intimate time but I can't be sure. He didn't, um..."lose interest" but he didn't, er, get to the end either? >.> I said, "Is it me?" He said, "No, no, it's not you. I think I'm just tired." He made sure to stress the, "No, no" part. We've been just fine since then, too; hugging, kissing, holding hands, laughing, etc..
It's just that these marks are like...the freaking elephant in the room. He's just so gorgeous, so smart, such a nice guy. I don't know why it scares me. I'm trying to show confidence instead but I'm floundering.
I lied because I didn't want the weight gain connected to those marks, I didn't want him to think, "Oh gross, former fat girl." In all honesty, the ones on my calves and whatnot formed even before I was overweight. No doctor knew why they were there. The ones on my stomach, however, formed after that.Those are the ones I dread. Those and the ones on my arms.
I could have sworn I saw him do a double take when I raised my arms above my head once. I'm so scared of what he'll think of them and me. His ex is so pretty and he's so handsome and then there's me.
If you are so afraid of what he might think of who you used to be (physically since of course, you are still the same person), I don't get how this relationship can last.
I'd want a guy to know about all I've accomplished. In fact, when I was dating DH I had lost 50+ pounds and I was so self-confident. I told anyone who would listen how much I'd lost! And I also worried that I'd gain weight back, especially with pregnancy and so on. I wanted my husband to know that was possible.
Not that I wanted that to happen, but it did. I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who would dump me if I gained weight.
If you are so afraid of what he might think of who you used to be (physically since of course, you are still the same person), I don't get how this relationship can last.
Good point.
Should I bring it up again in the near future you think?
It's just that these marks are like...the freaking elephant in the room. He's just so gorgeous, so smart, such a nice guy. I don't know why it scares me. I'm trying to show confidence instead but I'm floundering.
You have a lot to be proud of here! You recognized an issue for your own health and you fixed it. If he's worth it, this will be a non-issue.
I can relate as I too lied in the past because I was ashamed of my weight. I let it define me and thought that I was unworthy of love and self-acceptance because of it. But you know what? I began to realize that others saw me a lot differently than I saw myself. Others saw me as cute, perky, intelligent, and confident. I finally realized that I needed to start seeing myself that way too.
You are so much more than your weight. Be confident in who you are, be gentle with yourself and the rest will fall into place.
You can get stretch marks from all kinds of things! My husband is super thin, at his highest adult weights he barely qualifies as 'normal weight' on the BMI scale, and he still has silvery white old stretch marks from growing in adolescence. Almost everyone has some stretch marks somewhere - it's just part of being human! Like others here, I also have stretch marks on my hips and breasts that are just leftover from puberty - again, just a human thing.
Any long term relationship requires a partner to be comfortable with all sorts of conventionally unpleasant/unattractive aspects of the human body. My husband sees me after I haven't showered for five days, while I'm sick and vomiting into a bucket in the living room, when I wake up in the morning with my period and have blood running on the floor - all potentially mortifying if it weren't for the fact that I'm comfortable with my body and so is my husband. If your boyfriend runs for the hills because you have stretch marks and used to be heavier - and I'm not at all saying he will, just if he did - how is he going to be a supportive partner to you through all aspects of life?
If you are so afraid of what he might think of who you used to be (physically since of course, you are still the same person), I don't get how this relationship can last.
I'd want a guy to know about all I've accomplished. In fact, when I was dating DH I had lost 50+ pounds and I was so self-confident. I told anyone who would listen how much I'd lost! And I also worried that I'd gain weight back, especially with pregnancy and so on. I wanted my husband to know that was possible.
Not that I wanted that to happen, but it did. I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who would dump me if I gained weight.
This. How can you have a long-lasting, authentic relationship with someone if you are not willing to be your authentic self? It always made me feel so sad to feel like I needed to hide parts of myself from some one I love. Also, do you even want to be with a guy who would be like, "Oh gross, former fat girl"? I don't think it's necessary for everyone to be attracted to larger people to be nice, good people, but being grossed out by a girl or guy you love simply because they USED to not be your taste? Or because you think fat people are bad? Or because stretchmarks are obviously the worst thing EVER? (What would he do when you get them from pregnancy one day, then?) Sorry, I just couldn't stick around with someone that simple minded.
But, I think that fear is all in your head and that you're projecting your own feelings of shame. In all honesty, if he's a good guy, he's going to be interested in it as a part of getting to know you. I have a lady beard from PCOS, and I tried to hide it in every relationship I've ever been in. My current bf broached the subject (in the gentlest way possible), explaining that he hated that I was trying to hide all of myself from him. He wanted to know about that part of my life - about my feelings and how it shaped me. It was really an important step in creating a trusting, loving and open relationship between the two of us, even though it was just a beard.
You don't have to tell him immediately, but you can't hide yourself in a relationship forever behind some ideal you want to present.
ETA: Also, what Merilung said!
Last edited by Song of Surly; 04-12-2013 at 10:56 AM.
Well you did put in the caveat since they saw me last, so I wouldn't stress on it or make a big deal correcting or confessing a little white lie about something that really isn't his business. If it ever comes up again you can casually mention that you used to be much bigger IF you want.
I hurt for you though. I think most people lie, downplay, or exaggerate stuff like this because we let our sense of self worth get tied up in ridiculously unhelpful and arbitrary things.
Fudged the truth a bit...
The way I answered was vague but the information itself was correct...I just didn't actually answer his question...
It's kind of just like...a dark rain cloud hanging over my head, even on the brightest of days.
