[saef]

Originally Posted by Eliana

This is what I mean when I said I thought that part of me was dead and I was quite surprised to find out it wasn't. I had turned it off because I had to and I never complained. I said it wasn't important. I told myself it wasn't important. We'd watch TV and my husband would oogle over the women and ask me which men I was attracted to? I wasn't. Not to any of them. No man on television or in the movies did I find attractive. I really thought I'd lost that part of me.

So...even if this doesn't work out, and it may not, I'm enjoying knowing I'm not dead. There's hope for me yet.

Thanks for entrusting that confidence to us all. That just gave me much greater perspective on what you went through ... what you're going through.

I wish you awesome sex, when you do have it, and playfulness & humor & plenty of warmth & sharing.

And may you avoid anyone insensitive or idiotic.

As for what you choose to share, & with whom, the Internet is so weird, with its extreme intimacy & anonymity, so of course I'm not getting the whole picture.

Ignore anything I say that doesn't seem right for your situation.

[DigitalSinner]

I would prefer to pride myself on not needing a man. I don't need a man. I didn't need my husband. I've been living independently and powerfully for 10 of the 12 years we've been married.

Just remember there is a HUGE difference between needing a man and wanting to share your life with someone. After my divorce I enjoyed dating very much. I refused to settle down and didn't want to be tied to anyone. I made that clear with any and all interested parties from the get go.

At the end of the day, no matter age, or size or anything else, you're still a girl. With the rare exception, we love the attention. Admit it...you turn a head in the grocery store or at the gas pump and you walk away smiling because it makes you feel good.

Love yourself and don't ever feel like you deserve anything less than the best. You'll be amazed at what that outlook alone can do for you!

[MariaMaria]

Wanting a relationship or even being open to a relationship isn't about needing or weakness. Being open to being part of a great partnership, team, couple doesn't make you any less anything on your own, you know? There's no inherent virtue in doing without love (or, in my personal moral code which I'm aware is not universal, great sex).

And the upthread comment about sex getting better in your 40s? Yeah, that. Something kind of clicked in my mid-30s, actually, and it's been eye-opening.

[Eliana]

Saef, you're wonderful. Of course I understand the "but...but...but" syndrome that happens on message boards. Sometimes I just say "thanks" and let it go. This time I felt like clarifying. It is indeed hard to get a clear snapshot of someone's life no matter how much detail we stick in there. And regardless, your advice is sound!! Why do I need a man right now? Why not take it slow? I wisely tell myself that every day! It's just that my brain and my hormones aren't communicating right now.

Digital, yeah, I'd love to turn a head or two!! Unfortunately, there aren't any heads to turn!! The only head I've turned is the head of my best friend's husband and he had better knock it off! I do love the attention. But unless men are checking out my backside unbeknownst to me, it ain't happenin'!

Maria, thank you. On some level I know that you are right. I'm not sure what it is I'm looking for right now. Right now, in this moment...I think I'm looking for a partner. By my definition that is someone who can provide a needed hug at the end of a hard day, someone who will go for a walk with me, play a game with me, take me to dinner, show me how to fix my leaky sink and someone who will light up my eyes when he enters the room. Will I love such a person? I'm not sure. I'm not in a place right now where I know the difference between infatuation and love. I'm not sure I ever did know that distinction, which is what got me into the mess I ended up in to begin with. I was in love with the idea of being in love. I won't make that mistake again. So I guess while I'm looking for intimacy and partnership, I'm not sure if I will ever trust what "love" is. Love isn't something I'm looking for. Not right now. Nor is sleeping around, please don't read that wrong. There will be no intimacy without some sort of loose commitment to each other, that's just the kind of girl I am.

[MariaMaria]

Good for you, Eliana.

Now. I'm totally overstepping here, but do you need the "safer sex" lecture? Here goes: Use condoms. Every time. Even if he objects. Even if he says he'll pull out. Even if he says he can't orgasm with them. Even if he says he can't maintain an erection with them. Even if he says he loves you. Even if he says you'd let him if you loved him. Until/unless you're monogamously committed and you've BOTH been tested.

'kay?

[Eliana]

Like I said....there will be no intimacy without some sort of commitment. Not marriage...but commitment.