Hi there all. I've been lurking with great interest for a few days, and I'm a bit overwhelmed by the immensity of the site!
But I sought it out wondering if anyone has the same twisted weight-loss psychology and how you deal with it.
My issue--I've been pretty successful! I've lost 60 lbs., down to about 240; I have no idea how much more I want to lose. I've been going slow--it's been almost a year. I figure I'll stop when I feel good and can buy regular clothes, or when the saggy skin issue starts to bother me more than the weight. (Yikes--bet there are tons of threads on THAT one to explore .)
Pleased as I am with my success, I'm having trouble dealing with the consequences. Most immediate, the change has really become noticeable, almost overnight (I'm carrying the pounds really well at this weight for some reason), and people are noticing and paying compliments. It's freaking me out.
It's like when you change your hair or put on a suit and suddenly everyone starts to tell you how good you look--makes you feel pretty crappy about how you've been looking. It's like that, but it's magnified a thousand times for me. Plus, people are treating me better--"gee, so glad ya'll love me for who I am inside..." is the internal dialogue that gets going in my head. I know I'm probably happier and more confident and it affects how people treat me, but I'm not THAT much happier and more confident--I'm a pretty happy person, always have been.
I've never really considered myself as having low self-esteem--I'm smart, good at what I do, have great friends and consider myself a darn good person. But the whole "lookin' good these days" thing has me all bent out of shape.
Most disturbing, this has happened to me before and was part of the self-sabotage that derailed other attempts that started out successfully. It's a pattern I need to address or I may very well backslide again--I've had an episode or two of reckless emotional eating already that started with not being able to handle casual comments/compliments.
Anybody out there with a similar issue? There must be a few of you out here in cyber space who are more comfortable being fat but out of the spotlight instead of on center stage being told how good you look now (as opposed to however many pounds ago).
How do you twist your mind back to normal so you can take a compliment and enjoy people's company? Any good books out there on dealing with the psychology of weight loss that address these issues? I'd read a serious psychological study of this if you have any suggestions, but I also love a good first-person story.
Thanks for listening! Looking forward to hearing your ideas and experiences.
First of all, I don't think you have low self esteem. It has been demonstrated in research studies that people DO treat overweight people differently (worse) than normal-weight people. As far as I'm concerned, recognizing that fact is called "not being in denial." Yet, if I tell someone that I think people treat me differently because I am fat, the first thing out of their mouth is "Oh, you must have low self-esteem."
No, I am just a realist. I believe that people might appreciate me for what's inside if they got to know me, but most of them aren't going to make the effort to if they don't find my appearance pleasing. People really can be very superficial that way.
So I completely understand where you're coming from and why you're angry about it. But please don't let your anger about it make you sabotage your efforts. Just accept that that is how a lot of people are, and use that anger to motivate yourself to be the best person you can be, regardless of how anyone treats you.
Nope, you're not the only one. Been there, done that, got the "I gained BACK the 120 pounds!" T-shirt! I was treated differently but like my next example shows, it was still never enough. We aren't doing this for "their" approval, it's for us.
I had a boyfriend while I was losing the last time, many years ago. He just would not let up on the comparisons to other women and the comments like "oh, I can't wait until you can wear a bikini!" or, "look at that woman, that's just what you're going to look like when you loose ALL the weight!" Grrrr...It was never good enough for him. Granted, I shouldn't have let it bother me, but it was a mental thing at the time.
Now, after having lost over 40 pounds again, my co-workers especially are noticing and commenting. It embarrasses me. I think it reminds me just what a mess I was. And although they don't know my past of trying many, many times and failing, I know and it bothers me. Sometimes, this just seems like one more attempt and other times I know this is the last one. There are a number of changes both in my lifestyle and mental outlook this time which lead me to swing toward the "this is THE permanant change" attitude.
You just have to remember this is for you and no one else. If you have to, ignore the comments. Be polite and thank them, but don't get caught up in a conversation about it. When someone comments to me, I just say thank you and walk on to do something else.
We have to deal with reality as it is. We do get treated differently. I have also learned if it wasn't the weight there would be something else to pick on, the hair, the job, the personality quirks, you name it. Oh well...
Last edited by cantforgetthis; 09-02-2006 at 02:45 AM.
Thanks, Fiddler and Cantforgetthis, voices from the sane side!
"We have to deal with reality as it is. We do get treated differently. I have also learned if it wasn't the weight there would be something else to pick on, the hair, the job, the personality quirks, you name it."
That right there I should memorize--I'm sure every woman receives comments that drive her nuts about something that's never been good enough and never will be. Maybe I ought to go hang out in the waxing room at a spa somewhere and listen to the criticism and self-criticism for a while to help me get some perspective on this!
First, congratulations on your weight loss! I notice we are about the same weight... I have lost 59.8 pounds... hoping to hit 60 any minute... and weight 239!
As to your questions, I think the answer is to focus on the positive. Yes it DOES hurt that we weighed so much and that people treat fat people differently. HOWEVER, I try to look at it the opposite... I am blessed to have people cheering me on as I am losing weight and being supportive. Fat IS unhealthy and unattractive. People can love us for who we are and still be happy for us when we are changing bad behavior and replacing unhealthy habits with healthful ones and getting in shape.
I could die of embarrassment when I see my "before" pictures -- and even now I am still extremely overweight. But when I become discouraged and start thinking how fat I am, I try on some of my big old clothes -- or better yet dig something that was too small out of the closet and see if it fits now... often it does, yay! Or get out the tape measure and measure to see where I've lost. Focus on how far I've come and renew my determination to keep it up.
It is not other people's fault that we are fat, and we are the only ones who can bust our butts and get into shape. Again, I try to focus on the positive and be grateful for people's good intentions in encouraging me!
Keep up the good work and don't give up!!! We can do this!
LOL, I love the consequences!!! It doesn't bother me one bit when someone I haven't seen if a few months notices that I've lost 45 pounds. I take my dog for a walk twice a day......the other evening I got whistled at 2 times and honked at several times, LOL. Not bad for a 42 year old mother of 4.
WTG Tamil. I can identify with this post. I know that I am treated differently now since losing weight. It is very obvious. For some off reason when I see people that I haven't seen in a long time, it sometimes embarasses me if they say much about my weight. I know I looked really bad before, and I find myself making excuses for losing so much weight. I usually say "well you know I had to lose it for health reasons". I am proud of myself for losing it, I just don't like too much attention for it. It's like saying it's OK for people to notice and give a compliment but just don't make a huge deal out of it. I think deep down I fear regaining so badly that I don't want to be held accountable for staying this weight. Oh well, I'm doing my best and that is the most I can expect of myself.
Misti, we'll have to keep tabs on each other--It's stunning how much difference those sixty pounds make, even with so far to go, isn't it?
Just for "fun" I tried to lift 3 20-pound bags of dog food today. Couldn't do it!
I had a strange (but nice) weekend where I saw no one but the 15 dogs I was watching (friend has a kennel). It seems to have cured my self-consciousness, and I'm pretty sure I lost another couple pounds keeping up with the critters.
I had someone see my "before" pick and say, "Jen, what in the world was going on with you???"
It caught me completely off guard. What WAS going on with me for 22 years?
Yes, I get treated differently. I can say that I've always been relatively outgoing and unafraid to approach people and that hasn't changed, but now I carry myself completely differently and am way more comfortable in my own skin. Perhaps because I'm more at ease, people I come into contact with are more at ease as well.
I've quit a weight loss effort before, when someone complimented me. The only reason it's working now is because I figured out that I was hiding behind the fat, before even starting this effort.
I steeled myself for compliments. I told people what I was doing before they noticed it so I wouldn't be shocked by sudden compliments and resulting embarrassment.
I'm no more friendly or outgoing than I was when I was heavy. I'm not expecting anything to change about my life except to be lighter & healthier. I will ride out the compliments and not let them get to me.
When I started getting unexpected compliments, I actually practiced saying "thank you" and just left it at that. I don't feel obligated to explain, and if I say no more than a gracious thank-you, the subject usually changes quickly. I don't think much about what I used to look like, but think more about what I'm going to look like in another 70 pounds.
Whatever happens, don't let it stop your progress. You're doing this for YOU and for YOUR life, not for anyone else.
After I had my daughter I lost about 25 pounds from my highest weight (199) My dear friend and co-worker of many many years says to me "How did you lose your big butt?" now I know how she is (very blunt) but she is 5'5"is and approx. 125 pounds and that was it. I know she meant it in a good way, but I slowly crept back toward the 199 mark, I was at 190 when I got pregnant with my boy. he is 10 months now and I am ready to get the "how did you lose your big butt comment again" I have some weight to lose before then but.... it will come!
new member--and how do you deal with...
I've lost 60 lbs., down to about 240; I have no idea how much more I want to lose. I've been going slow--it's been almost a year. I figure I'll stop when I feel good and can buy regular clothes, or when the saggy skin issue starts to bother me more than the weight. (Yikes--bet there are tons of threads on THAT one to explore 
.)
it will come!
