I've read and re-read all of your comments and thoughts and over the past few days I've practiced venting in other ways (non-bingeing ways) and I lost another 1.5lbs despite the binge the other day. I feel much better because I think I have a chance at controlling it and ignoring negativity. It's coming off a little at a time and I think I am more focused now. Thanks again for all the support. I'm so glad that one binge didn't turn into ten and ruin my efforts.
Amy - That jerk is obviously a very insecure person who feels that he must put someone else down to cover up his own inadequacies. Until you are able to move out, try to avoid him like the plague.
I'd be so taken aback by such a rude comment that I probably wouldn't think of a zinger comeback until about two hours later! It's probably best to avoid him altogether. I tend to avoid confrontation at all costs and then if I get in an uncomfortable situation I stuff down my feelings with food. I find it easier to just avoid certain people. I really envy those who can make a quick comeback and don't take garbage from anyone!
Your son sounds like a real sweetie and it was brave of him to stand up for his mum like that.
It's great that you've been able to get back on track and have started losing again. We're all rooting for you!
Amy no human being should ever behave that way toward another, that is sick. I just cant believe my eyes.
PLEASE do not allow this man to talk to you about yourself again. If you do hang around when he comes over, the MINUTE he says anything negative about you, calmly get up and leave - dont wait for him to even finish the first statement. You might even lean over and whisper to him, "you're abusive" first. Whatever, just do NOT listen to it, do not allow him to talk to you. Take that away from him.
And if that happened with my mom, I would use it as motivation and get to where I weighed less than she, lickity split.
I totally understand financial constrainst making it necessary to live with your parents and I am so sorry that that situation forces you to be in a place where you are not treated as you should be. You deserve to build your own nuturing space with your son.
If it were me, I would draw a scale and say to my mom "point to me on this scale how bad you want me to feel about myself. Here? here? What sorts of things do you think you should say in order to make me feel that bad? What do you think will happen when I feel that bad? That Ill change? but Ive already changed. So that cant be the goal. What is your real goal? Do you even know? When you had me, I know you didnt plan for me to be this big - Im sure you didnt plan for yourself to be as big as YOU are, either. But did you plan and dream about what part you could play in making me think as little of myself as possible? Did you think, "I hope she feels miserable all her life" or did you think "I hope she is happy all her life"? Which of those things are you contributing to? Why would you push me toward feeling miserable if you didnt want me to be miserable? I dont understand why you would actively seek my misery, and so Im asking you to explain it to me."
Well thats how I would get my hurt and anger across to her! But every person and hence every relationship is different... but if you think its possible without making things WORSE, I would think of a unique way to make her aware of the pain she creates for you.
or of course you can ignore it all and get out of there ASAP if you find the means.
Take care, and dont allow others to tread on you like that - control their actions simply by leaving them.
Amy, I am SO happy that you are feeling better about things, and it seems as though you are feeling a little stronger too. You have also found out one very important thing... you can 'binge' now and then, and you will not undo all of your good work. ONE bad day doesn't do that. Just don't make it a regular thing and you will be fine.
I was VERY lucky and didn't have people I 'knew' putting me down or laughing at me. Oh... I had my share of strangers doing that, but not family, friends or acquaintances. Boy, did those strangers' comments hurt. But I was never strong enough to say anything to them.
NOW, it is another situation I find myself faced with and it is just as puzzling as yours is to me. My parents rarely said anything to me about my weight, except for mum ALWAYS offering me this or that diet whenever I spoke to her. I couldn't say anything to her, but shortly after I told my sister that this was the reason I couldn't be bothered to visit my mother anymore, the 'diet tips' ended. I have a feeling my sister must have said something to my mum. Oh, and my dad once said something about me 'being bigger than him' in a snide way.
Well... that was BEFORE I lost weight. Since I've lost a lot of weight, I've actually had the worst experience with my parents. The last time I visited with them (probably about 6 months ago - and they only live an hour and a half away) they spent AGES talking about a relative who was "Enormous! Bigger than you EVER were! She is just SO lazy and eats whatever she wants, and never exercises"... and so on and so forth. All I could think was that this must have been how they spoke about ME when I was bigger. They were simply being MEAN! I hung around as long as I had to, then I left early. Once again, I wasn't game enough to say anything to them.
BOTH of my parents are overweight, well obese if I am honest, and have been for as long as I can remember. So, I find it puzzling that they find it 'right' to talk about other overweight people like that. Are they oblivious to the fact that they are BIG!
Anyway... I refer to them as 'poisonous people' and I just avoid them now. Mum hasn't asked why I don't visit and I don't tell her. Simple. It is easier for me, because I have to visit them, they don't come visiting here. Dad won't drive in the city and I don't offer to pick them up.
Basically, what I am trying to say... in a VERY roundabout way, is that your best bet is to avoid this guy. You won't change him, but he can certainly change YOU. Whether he changes you in a POSITIVE way, making you stronger and more determined, or whether he changes you in a NEGATIVE way, making you hate yourself, is totally up to YOU! I have continued to lose weight away from my parents' influence. I have lost it for ME.
Good luck in getting out of your parents' house and into a healthier environment for you and your son.
Oh, and I did think that perhaps you could just give a little laugh next time this guy starts going on at you, get up, tell him "Oh, it was my turn last time. You should share this around. It is mum's turn to be picked on about her weight today." (chuckle as though you are making a joke) Then leave the room. I'm not sure whether I could do it, but I can usually do things like that if I rehearse them and can make it out to be a joke.
Good luck with your journey and your strength in facing this guy again.
I'd prefer to be overweight any day than be someone who upsets others like that! You're a better person than he'll ever be and I hope you get great satisfaction when you prove him wrong.
I'd prefer to be overweight any day than be someone who upsets others like that! You're a better person than he'll ever be and I hope you get great satisfaction when you prove him wrong.
Sometimes just saying "Does it really make you feel better about yourself to criticize me" will shut them up. I've used this before and it usually works. Good luck and I am happy that you are learning a more positive attitue about things like this. No matter what we weigh, we shouldn't have to take abuse like this from anyone.
I found a very effective technique for dealing with my father a few years back. I grew up in a household with lots of fighting and name calling and my father screaming at us uncontrollably. He is a normally a very loving and generous man, but has serious anger managment issues.
I took a class called "Love and Logic" on how to deal with misbehaving children and used it on my dad. When he starts in, I say very calmy, "I won't stand around and let you talk to me like that," and then I pack up my stuff and leave. I don't yell, I don't sound angry, I don't say anything else... I just go. I stay away for an evening or a day. When I see him again I am perfectly pleasant and NEVER mention what happened previously. It took him awhile to catch on to what I was doing. I never go back to what got us there in the first place. My dad is an a master at the argument and always has to have the last word. Since both of us used to try to get the last word in, things always deteriorated. By me just leaving, he loses.
I do it every time ANYONE is a jerk. My grandmother told me once, you don't have time in your life for people that aren't nice to you. As a teacher, I occasionally get angry parent phone calls. (Like the guy last month who screamed at me over the phone because his son didn't get a chance to apply for a scholarship and it was my fault.... I didn't care about kids... I didn't give kids a chance, etc... [actually I found two emails that I had sent to his son with a copy of the application and deadline reminders - 3 weeks and 1 week before the deadline]. I just said calmly, "sir, I will not allow you to talk to me like that. I am going to hang up on you now." And I did.
I only have to pull that trick out of the hat once every year or so now with my dad, but it still works.
I suppose it wouldn't work in a truly physically abusive situations, but for all others it works just fine.
OMG, this sounds like when I was a little girl growing up! I not only had to hear comments from the kids at school, when I would come home to my family, I would hear them as well! NEVER from my mother, but from my bio. father and my uncles and my own grandfather.
So trust me, I feel your pain. All I can say is hold your head up and as hard as it is, DON'T let them get you down! If you do, then they win!
Remember, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone!"
Kudos to your son and remember you always have all of us!
P.S. Usually people who berate others have a real problem with themselves and want to take the attention off of them by belittling others. We have a guy like that at work who loves to belittle others to take the attention off of himself. Just remember that when he does it next time and just LAUGH at him and say, "You must feel really bad about yourself".
Oooooh this made me mad when I read it!!!! I'm sorry anyone has to deal with something like this, much less in your home, and with your mom joining in!!! Bless your son for speaking up for you...you've obviously raised him to be very aware of people's feelings!
My first reaction was to tell you to...well...I won't repeat it, but then I thought about the line 'I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can lose weight, what can you do?'.....might be a little 'nicer' to say, 'I'll agree to lose weight if you agree to work on how crappy you treat people.'
Good luck with your goals! You're doing great so far, and people like that don't deserve a second of your energy! You're winning a battle against him with every single ounce that comes off your body!!!
Keep practicing... the more you do it, the easier it gets. And congratulations on the continued weight loss! 
