Hi all, This is going to be long and I hope I can join this group. I have been off of TFC for a while. Looking for some support since Im on this crazy roller coaster called diet again.
My whole life I was a skinny girl. I couldn't understand why people had to diet, and why they got heavy. Well hello, I'm 48 and overweight now. Not horribly overweight but I definitely have weight to lose and muscle to gain. The past five years have been tumultuous. I lost my dad tragically who i was very close to, then i had an ugly two year divorce followed by a string of crappy relationships. I turned to food for all of this. I consider myself a food addict. I don't eat because Im hungry, there is an emotional component to it that I just can't control or understand.
December I had surgery for a breast lift and liposuction of my saddle bags. I was very happy with the results, but that didn't stop me from gaining more weight. Immediately after I started a six month full time school program which meant i sat on my rump for hours all day and no longer had time to work out. all along the scale has gone up and up and up. I now weigh over 20 lbs more than i did four years ago, actually more like 25..not alot to some but on a small frame it looks bad...I feel uncomfortable. I miss feeling good in my clothes. I miss my clothes.
I went to a weight loss center and discussed my issue with a diet doctor. He wanted to put me on shakes and bars and crap and I told him that i've done every diet under the sun and I know that I don't do well with fake food. Chemicals and products that contain soy leave me bloated and unhappy. I asked for Phen and he told met hat i was not heavy enough for that, so we compromised and I am now on a med called Contrave and a 1000 calorie diet. I know to some this seems unhealthy and extreme. Well guess what/ Im a food addict and i'm already unhappy and extreme. Doctor told met hat after i get to a weight that i'm comfortable at i can go on 1500 calories to maintain. That is doable. Before you judge me and say I should diet and exercise let me tell you about my workouts. I teach Zumba, take kickboxing two to three times a week, lift weights two times a week, walk when weather allows and started yoga. This isn't about being lazy..this is about being a food addict and having to find a way to control cravings. This med is helping with that. I don't feel the urge to run to the frig or cabinet for snacks every time i'm anxious, bored or sad. Can I still do that? Easily. Its a one day at a time thing. I have been on this program for a week, went over my calories a few times when I went out for brunch and dinner....lost around four lbs so far. I plan on going on this plan hard core for the next four days since have no children to cook for and no social invites that might put me over the edge. I would like to come here for support. Mrs Snark I remember you...HOLLLLAAAAAA!
Than you for listening to my story...Im going to see if I remember how to make that diet ticker thing for the bottom of my posts....
I'm doing much better on my binges. Its been 3 weeks I think and I have had a few minor binges in that time but I was able to control my eating after those and stay close to my calorie counts each day. A few binges (3 maybe?) in as many weeks is great for me considering I am coming off of daily binges before that. Feeling good and feeling determined.
I've been binge free for all of July and August so far (I guess 44 days/6 weeks). Wanted to eat pizza the other day, I think I linked the overly hungry and carb desires to actually pre-migraine symptoms, which was interesting. I'm also blaming my low energy on that, although it could be a caloric deficit + low iron, so I'm taking iron supplements again (my ferritin has never been over 44, so it's safe to still take them - up to 50 is probable iron deficiency, and after that, possible, for another 50 points, and it takes months of use for me to get even 20 more). I haven't had strong desires to go to the store and buy food to eat, which is interesting, just specific foods I want. I'm eating 1200-1800ish calories per day.
I think I'm going to see a dietician who specializes in eating disorders once I hit goal weight (why not sooner? Well, cost!) to learn how to maintain and make my day to day eating behaviours better. At the moment I just have to lose weight and avoid bingeing as best I can, which includes some weird food behaviours.
Speaking of weird, I've had a couple binge dreams lately. Last night was really weird. I was with my best friend, in a supermarket, but there was something off about it… and there were ALL my favourite foods and they were free or something… and even foods that weren't my favourite but seemed delicious (like cookie dough food?). So we were getting all this and I was, even in my DREAM, repeating the logic that kept me fat/bingeing for many years… "We'll eat all this and then start fresh" lol. To that end, they also had a bunch of different Quest bar flavours, which I started buying up!!! Hahah. I actually did buy 2 new flavours of Quest bars in store yesterday, but only 2 bars, so I don't know what that was about.
I'm not left really with a desire to binge, but the dreams are unsettling. Shows me my brain is retaining that urge to binge *somewhere* and I'll have to face it sometime in the future, you know?
Hi ladyfat....yes we dream about stuff that worries us, even if those worries are subconscious and not something we obsess about when we are awake..or atleast that is how it was explained to me....Congratulations for going so long without a binge! I haven't binged in a couple of weeks and its been hard, i can't imagine 44 days!! I once looked for a therapist that specialized in food disorders but couldn't find one near me. My regular therapists were really of no help. Iguess you need a visible sign of eating disorder in order to be taken seriously...binge eaters look like everyone else....thats why we can do such a good job hiding it. Anyway I have gone off on a tangent. Have a great day and keep up the good work
Im actually down a bit more, this Contrave stuff is working, although I still have to control my urges and make a point of not eating unhealthy stuff....i am going to lunch with a friend today and have already looked at the menu of the restaurant to prepare myself of what is on there when i order....so easy to go for the high fat/unhealthy stuff and eat until I get that "I'm going to explode" feeling.....its a gorgeous day.
tongirl - That's fantastic! Breaking that binge cycle can be so hard, WELL DONE YOU!
ladyfat - Great job, 6 weeks is major! I have a supermarket dream a few times a year, they are always so weird. In one I was eating a ton of uncooked pasta (which I have actually done in real life a couple times, though not alot of it) and in the dream it was the best thing ever. So bizarre!
Zumbachica - Yay for a gorgeous day and for pre-planning for success! Have fun at your lunch!
I'm a binge eater,but lately those binge days have been less but I have only lost 5lbs ,then yo yo with 3 lbs so it gets so discouraging. I want a year of no binging
Hi merowi2, I find if I focus purely on not bingeing (so not so much eating at a deficit or trying to lose weight), that helps it fall into place a bit so I'm able to view that as success. If you focus on weight only, at least at first, you may feel a bit restricted (I have to stick to my deficit or I won't lose!!!), but if you focus on behaviours, that might help, especially knowing it's okay to eat to maintenance. I try to look at it like losing is fabulous, but not gaining weight is also fabulous and you'd rather maintain than gain, right? So sometimes that helps.
In the beginning I gave myself a mini reward for every 5 days without bingeing. A new book, etc. I've sort of dropped that for now, although I could pick it up again whenever, particularly as I went on a trip and got new shoes and random stuff that could've counted as rewards anyways haha. But sometimes that can help - you have a goal and can get yourself a mini reward for making it through! I like books, or nail polish, or a haircut, or stuff like that!
My goal is also a year no bingeing, although ultimately never bingeing again, but just focusing on this.
Here has been my experience: I have always focused on the idea that as little binging as possible was my ultimate goal, something like maybe 3 or 4 binges per year seemed like it would be a major success to me, because I was basically binging every day. Aiming for absolutely NO binging always put so much pressure on me somehow.
I decided when I started trying to get myself under control, that if I *did* binge, that would be totally ok and expected and part of this process and I would just keep going forward. I planned for what I would do when I did binge and just sort of expected it to happen at some point.
Somehow, knowing that I wasn't aiming for ZERO binging made a difference in my mind and has taken the pressure off. I've binged 1 time since April 15, 2013. I would never have thought that was possible. Ever.
I still expect binges, still am OK if one happens, I haven't changed to thinking that I will NEVER binge. I still think if I only binge 3 or 4 times a year that would be phenomenal -- anything less than that just seems like icing on the cake. I expect that at some point I will have another binge, but I also know that it is OK if I do, and I'll follow my plan and just keep moving forward. It won't destroy me.
I have tended to be an ALL or NOTHING person, changing my thinking in this way seemed to make a big difference for me.
Good point Snark, that all or no thing mentality is usually what makes us feel horrible after a binge.....and sets us up for failure. If we accept it and just say an occasional binge is part of the process but we can't give up it puts less pressure on us and keeps us going.
It definitely depends on what works for each individual. I'll explain a bit (ok or maybe a lot) why I aim for total abstinence and no bingeing.
First, because I don't need to binge. I am capable of not bingeing, I have other ways to deal with negative emotions, and I actually don't enjoy bingeing. Do I enjoy eating highly palatable food? Yes. And I think the occasional day of indulging in those types of foods, to a certain extent, is fine. I would prefer not to go over maintenance calories, but if you manage your calorie limits, you can eat a lot of tasty food. You might have to spread it out over the day or a few days, but you can. So it's not a thing of "if I don't binge, I never get to eat X again!" And again, this is different for others as well - some people refuse to eat those foods at all as they feel they trigger urges. Unless I buy a bigger portion than I am comfortable eating at once (which I avoid doing), there is no trigger, I consume my portion, it's gone, yay.
Second - literally the only reason I ever binge is because I have the URGE to binge. I want the urge to go away. And the urge DOES go away if I don't binge as well. Is it more uncomfortable? Yes. Does it take way longer? Yes. Do I feel much better for not giving in to the urge? Yes, 100%. What makes the urges diminish? Not acting on them.
If I binge, food HAUNTS me for the next week. One binge is going to make the amount of binge urges I have SKYROCKET. So basically the choice for me is, give in to the urge to binge, and then have to resist binge urges every day for at least a week or so coming up, to get back to normality. Does that make ANY sense? If my goal is to not have binge urges (because that is ultimately the key to NOT bingeing, not acting on the urge to binge, so not having those urges = not bingeing) then why would I do something (act on an urge) that increases the incidence of urges in the future? It makes zero, zero, zero sense (again, FOR ME alone, this is how it works. May be different for you).
I understand that "picking yourself up and dusting yourself off" is what you have to do after giving in to a binge urge, and all is not ruined, etc. That's not what I'm trying to get across, in case it seems that way. While one binge does not DOOM me forevermore, it does, historically, vastly increase the likelihood that I will experience binge urges in much higher frequencies and intensities for awhile afterwards. And that makes things SO MUCH HARDER. And I have the autonomy and ability not to act on a binge urge. If I don't act on binge urges, and don't binge, the urges diminish so strongly. I haven't actually HAD a strong binge urge in the past month and a half because I haven't been bingeing. I did have an urge to eat pizza, but I think that was connected with migraine hunger, and I didn't act on it.
For me, the only way to eliminate binge urges, and bingeing, is to not binge. That sounds stupid, right? Like, obviously, or there's more to it… but… there really isn't. The mindset that there is "more to it" than just not bingeing actually hurts me. I think I had one day with a serious binge urge this go around at recovery, and it was one of those weird ones where I thought "my eating habits and calories aren't working, may as well binge, and reframe a plan for tomorrow." I did NOT binge, and instead journal led about what this new plan would be, and cried, and didn't binge, and guess what? My plan wasn't actually in need of revamping, I was just having a panicked moment, a binge urge, and I didn't act on it. If I had acted on it, I would not be down almost 20 pounds right now. I would be bingeing every few days and hating myself. Or maybe I would have gotten control. But it would have required sitting with that urge.
An example of how this works is two scenarios of me going to Starbucks with a friend. Scenario one, I recently binged, I get my drink, and then we sit there and I daydream about their lemon poppyseed bread. I REALLY WANT IT. I want it so much. I need that bread. I think about it as we talk. Scenario two, I have not recently binged, I get my drink, and we sit there and I enjoy my drink and don't spare any thought for goodies inside in the case.
For me, it's not about the specific foods - I can eat those in smaller proportions, although I'll always want to eat more chips than I have calories for, so I have to really tightly control how much I have access to and decide if it's worth it. It's about the experience of bingeing, buying food, etc, and I just don't want to binge. I really don't. I want the binge urge to go away. So what I do is ultimately aimed at my highest goal - making that urge go away. I am not making any "all or nothing" scenario. Instead, I am aiming for the highest good and best situation I can, for myself. I know not bingeing will help prevent future urges. I never want to feel an urge again. I have to make that happen for myself. This also includes not restricting my diet overly in terms of eliminating any foods (I don't, although I manage portions, and don't eat chips very often) and not restricting below a certain level (i.e. 1200 calories and not below that, although I eat above 1200 right now and still lose weight) because I know that sets off urges.
Hi everyone! I'm glad I found this. I was several months without bingeing, but then after a very difficult and stressful time, I ate a bunch of really bad things. Once again, I'm starting over. I've always felt that I am addicted to food and that it is a very true and real problem. Some people have commented to me that it's not and it's more of an excuse for people that want to eat badly and not control their food.
I read 2 different articles recently, both having completely different views on food choices. One said that with learning to control the cravings and urges, you can at some point, eat those foods you are most addicted to (chocolate, cake, ice cream, etc) in moderation and be okay. The other article said that like any addiction, you will never be able to have those foods. Much like someone addicted to alcohol can't just go have one drink and stop. It opens that door to the addiction.
What's your thoughts on this? Do any of you feel you have certain foods you will just never be able to touch again? I do find when I stay away from bad foods, I feel better and I lose the cravings for things.
What's your thoughts on this? Do any of you feel you have certain foods you will just never be able to touch again?
My grandpa was an alcoholic in recovery. When offered a drink, he'd say, "One isn't enough, so one is too many." It's a phrase I use about Diet Coke (or more accurately, anything with nutrasweet). I love Diet Coke. When I gave it up last August, I was having dreams about it for well over a month. I missed it terribly. Even now, if I'm eating a pretzel, I'll think how much better it would be if I had a Diet Coke along with it. I can never have Diet Coke again. People tell me I should try it just so I can see I won't like it anymore. It'll taste too fake, they tell me, but that's not a risk I can take.
To a lesser degree, I was also addicted to highly refined carbs (not only sweets, but especially things like pretzels and white bagels). I did go cold turkey on them for almost two months this past Lent. But my addiction to refined carbs had never been as dire as my addiction to nutrasweet. In fact, I think nutrasweet exacerbated my carb addiction. Now that I am nutrasweet free, I find I can eat refined carbs responsibly. Most weekends I'll treat myself to one or two "desserts." At first when I did this I found Mondays very difficult, but that's no longer the case for me.
For the record, I believe both my addictions were physical. But even so, one was much stronger. I think a very strong addiction needs to be avoided at all costs, just the way my grandpa avoided alcohol.
