So today when I got home from work I took my dog on his 30 minute walk. He's progressively rehabbing a knee surgery so at one point we decided to jog. Half way down the block I noticed a car stopped and as I jogged passed it an older man (a complete stranger to me) said, "I just want you to know that I'm so proud of you." He was being nice and I guess thought "whoa, a big girl running. That's unusual" I don't know why but the rest of the interval walk/ jog I was angry. I don't know how anybody will respond to this, but I guess I was just in my feelings and at moment and took his comments as condescending even though they were sincere. I guess question is. ..why was I mad? Had a situation similarly happened to somebody here?
Last edited by kiwi1222; 04-24-2015 at 11:33 PM.
Reason: autocorrect spelling
Wow. That is awful. People are horrible sometimes. I guess I was just already angry and anything anybody could have said would have fallen on my negative ears at the moment
Not only is it condescending, and intrusive when you are just getting on with your day, but it's weirdly possessive, as if he had a right to be proud of you. I'm sure he meant well, but I'd have been creeped out a bit too. I'm a wheelchair user, so I get weird stuff like this a lot.
I think human beings have a primal fear of being different. You were treated differently because you're overweight and exercising. I HATE HATE HATE how people feel they need to tell others how to live their lives- whether positive or negative. I've found myself doing the same thing. There's a woman with down's syndrome who works out at my gym. I've thought about walking up to her and encouraging her. That's not okay. I've never thought of doing that with any of the really fit women in the gym. I felt really disgusted with myself just for having the impulse. If everyone just stayed out of everyone else's business we'd all be a lot happier.
Understandable anger, because what he said can easily come across condescending, like it's his place to approve of what you're doing.
If it helps at all, even though he said he was "proud" of you, he probably meant that in the sense that he was inspired by you. Exercising is more challenging when we're overweight. It definitely takes more effort, and for many of us, it's a positive change we've made, not something we've been doing all along. I think it's human nature to root for the underdog and to be moved when we see someone not taking the easy path but challenging themselves. We get hit with a wave of inspiration when we see people doing that, and I think that's most likely the feelings he was having that prompted him to comment.
I wish it would happen to me- my goal is to be able to walk my doxie (it breacks my heart that even though her vet wants her walked 15 3x a day- I just can't do it) But, I understand the man hit a button and your not sure which one. When these things happen to me I use EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique-or Tapping) to get to the underlying source of my anger or feelings. I love Jessica Ortner , but there are plenty others that do this. Google Jessica- she has free instructions on how to do it and a great book on using it for weightloss as well. Hope that helps.
I think human beings have a primal fear of being different. You were treated differently because you're overweight and exercising. I HATE HATE HATE how people feel they need to tell others how to live their lives- whether positive or negative. I've found myself doing the same thing. There's a woman with down's syndrome who works out at my gym. I've thought about walking up to her and encouraging her. That's not okay. I've never thought of doing that with any of the really fit women in the gym. I felt really disgusted with myself just for having the impulse. If everyone just stayed out of everyone else's business we'd all be a lot happier.
Thank you for refraining. From my perspective as a disabled person, a quick grin (the sort of grin you'd give anyone - disabled folk don't get them as often, many people are either avoiding eye contact or staring rudely) is nice, but a pitying smile isn't, and I could do without comments.
Wow. Headsup on a dissenting post- if you feel you might be offended, skip mine...
Maybe I'm more secure with myself or something, and maybe this is why I don't perceive communication on the street to be harassment where others would, but I would have to go 100% off the tone and body language of the person saying it.
Was he genuinely friendly, and just offering a positive message? If he was creeper about it I could see the anger... but if he was trying to offer some positive energy, take it for what it was intended maybe?
We've become so isolationist... so ready to see offense in what other people say. There is a true difference between subtle microagression intended to harm and just being a human being and trying to offer a connection in a disconnected world. One could always jog back and ask what was intended... instead, you were angry for the rest of your jaunt.
I see so many people saying they feel lonely, and isolated on their journey through weight loss or fitness recovery, and yet a simple comment from a stranger caused anger instead of a sense of connection... I don't get it. Seriously.
I'm sorry you were upset... and I get that not everyone is comfortable with communication from strangers... but I tend to give others the benefit of the doubt. It's what I'd want for me, should I say something and have it misinterpreted...
*Ducks for incoming barrage of me not getting it, etc...*
I'm sure he meant well. Ultimately, whether he meant well or not, it is up to you to control how you take it. I think this is a very personal journey to all of us, it is our life, it is what we're working hard to improve, so it is natural if we feel that people infringed in that privacy with their comments. But as Eleanor Roosevelt said, "nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
agreed, you were probably already stressed and may be you're just the type that doesn't need that kind of encouragement. If it had ever happened to me, I would have probably been slightly embarrassed that he picked me out, but at the same time if there was no ill intent then I'd be okay with it. I have a lot of people now tell me they are "proud" of me for my weight loss. It makes me slightly uncomfortable, but there is absolutely no ill feelings about it so I just have to sort of say thanks and move on.
We've become so isolationist... so ready to see offense in what other people say. There is a true difference between subtle microagression intended to harm and just being a human being and trying to offer a connection in a disconnected world
ITA! Yours is one of the most insightful posts I've read in a long time. This is not directed at the OP, but just a comment that I wish people would lighten up. I'm in my late 40s, and I've noticed that over the years, people seem to be getting more and more defensive about every little thing. This is not just what I personally experience either: I notice that it's a societal trend. It's as if people are just waiting to jump down someone's throat for the slightest "offense"---even if it isn't intended as offensive. There have been times when I've had the "right" to rail at someone, but you know what? I try to give that person the benefit of the doubt and realize that they're human just as I am. (Again, OP, please do not get offended. I'm just speaking generally since the topic came up. You had the experience, so perhaps you sensed something more to it than can be communicated here).
I think we can all collectively agree that OP was having an off day and it was a comment that pushed the wrong button at the time... Even she realizes that and spoke only nicely and positively about the gentleman. And I can understand the uncomfortableness in a way as well... Its like a reminder that something is "wrong" with us, so we have this natural tendency to get defensive and angry because we feel hurt .. So while I completely agree with Eydawn's comment, I don't think Kiwi falls into this category for the incident she described at all! But it sounds like we all knew that already!!!
I wouldn't feel bad Kiwi, I've had moments like that too where even a compliment made me angry... Sometimes it was the tone or intent of the other person, sometimes it was my own perception of the comment and misinterpretation that left me feeling hurt and defensive. Sort of my insecurities in my own self image and any mention of it, even intended in positiveness, gets me all flustered.
Last edited by SenseAndSensibility; 04-25-2015 at 07:22 PM.
why am I so mad?
