Yes, I get that it's battle scars, and proof of how far I have come. I also get that I did this to myself and that there are more reasons other than looking good yo lose weight.
I know it sounds shallow, vain and completely superficial...but I want to look HOT! Like "socially acceptable" hot. I used to, growing up, into my 20's. I was never "skinny" (I am Italian, there have always been curves lol). But I was for sure a hotty. Of course I know that in hindsight. Even 30 years ago I thought I was fat. I cannot remember a time my mother was not putting me on a diet, the first one was at 8 years old. I delivered my first daughter at 180lbs after gaining 60 while being pregnant...and my mom was worried when she found out I was pregnant how I was going to carry the baby, being so fat when I got pregnant.
This is not a mom bashing session or an excuse. This is my point, for 30 years it was in my head everyday that I was fat. Even when I wasn't, and I never noticed when I actually got fat. To me, I looked the same in the mirror, fat. I gained 200 lbs in 15 years and never really noticed. Yes. I knew I needed to diet. But I ALWAYS needed to diet. But I did not "see" a difference.
Now, I still don't see a difference. I want to see a difference and all of the deflated empty balloon sag masks it. I know it's stupid, irrational and totally in my head, but I live 2 miles from the beach. I live at the water, in Surf City USA lol. I want what I had, and never knew it.....
That's why this is frustrating. I am being vain. I won't give up, I refuse, because in my head I also know that I am doing the right thing. I know I feel so much better, and I never knew I felt badly before. I am living and doing things I have not done for years. So no. Not quitting.
All that being said, time to go do my weekly weigh in and see if I have gone down to 60 lbs total lost!
I envy that you got to experience being hot by social standards. Many of us (thin, obese, and everything in between) will never have that experience, because society tells us we're too short, too tall, too thin, too fat, too curvy, not curvy enough, eyes too small, too close together, too far apart, chin too strong or too weak, nose too big or too small, breasts too big or too small, teeth too big or too small, skin the wrong color, too many freckles, acne, scarring, disfigurements big and small.....
All my life, I've been hoping to lose the weight and experience "hotness" for myself. I had reasonably nice skin, hair and teeth and a "pretty face," surely hotness was within my grasp.
I didn't start to get a handle on my weight until I was 40 years old, but I looked damned good (I thought) for a 40 year old woman. There was still hope...
And then the weight loss started revealing wrinkles and saggy skin. I had some dental problems we didn't have money to fix. I started having symptoms of perimenopause and started to see my beautiful, smooth skin turn crepey in places like my eyelids and the back of my hands. Arthritic knots starting appearing on my fingers - fingers that I had always seen as slender and graceful for a woman of my size.
Hotness is now eternally beyond my grasp unless by some miracle, hundreds of thousands of dollars fall in my lap. Even then, any semblance of hotness would be a long shot and would require many painful, risky procedures. Procedures that would, at best, be partially successful.
I GET IT!
Really, I do, but you can mourn what you've lost (or in my case, never had in the first place) or you can rock the body you have. Feeling beautiful and sexy is a choice. It's not an easy choice, especially with society whispering and even screaming in our ears that we are not only "not hot" we are not even fit to look upon.
It's not just vanity to believe societal nonsense, it's utter bull.....pucky. You can believe the B.S. or you can learn to create your own "heat." Call it delusion if you wish, but the alternative is living in the cold.
KNOW that you were extremely fortunate to have experienced "hotness" during your lifetime. Most of us never do and never will. I'm not complaining. I'm extremely fortunate to have gotten as close as I did. I never experienced hotness, but I also haven't (knock on wood) experienced grotesque disfigurement.
Being less than hot only sucks if you let it, and if you choose not to celebrate your escape of much worse.
This may sound harsh, but I only mean it to save you the long term pain of self-chosen misery. You are using lost hotness as an excuse to feel miserable. Get over it, or you will give up the weight loss. Or worse, you will end up unhappy with a body and more importantly, a life that many would and will envy.
Create your own beauty, because while it isn't easy, it's something no one but you can take away from you.
...This is my point, for 30 years it was in my head everyday that I was fat. Even when I wasn't, and I never noticed when I actually got fat. To me, I looked the same in the mirror, fat. I gained 200 lbs in 15 years and never really noticed. Yes. I knew I needed to diet. But I ALWAYS needed to diet. But I did not "see" a difference.
Now, I still don't see a difference. I want to see a difference and all of the deflated empty balloon sag masks it. I know it's stupid, irrational and totally in my head, ...
I picked out the above lines from what you said. I've had problems in this area, also. The last time I lost 140 lbs, my doctor showed me my before and after pictures and ask me if I saw the difference. I remember telling him that I felt different (lighter, healthier,etc.), but I didn't see a big difference. I was still 200lbs, and fat. He told me then, that if I couldn't see the difference, I was bound to regain the weight. Unfortunately, he was a medical doctor, and not a psych Dr. so he didn't really elaborate at the time, but he was right. I gained 100lbs back, in almost the same time it took to loose it.
You are obviously "hot" to your husband, maybe you just don't see it. My suggestion is to engage a counselor to help you see the positive changes you're making in your body, and not just the flaws. When you make your goal trip to Hawaii, you want to FEEL as hot as you will look!
This may be more my list than yours but some may pertain to you.
* So you can wear a nice dress to your kids' wedding
* So you can play with your grandchildren
* So you can be comfortable on a plane
* So your knees don't hurt you all the time
* So you can be comfortable in any seat in a restaurant
* So you can walk for miles and miles
* To avoid diabetes
Can anyone add to the list?
Hi, yes I can add to it. *#1. I never had a weight problem except for the 1 1/2 years that I gained 25 pounds going from a size 10 jeans to a size 16 tummy/jeans, when my dh had cancer & was on chemo & he refused to eat Unless I ate w him {2x weekly: pizza's, ice cream sundae's, everything fattening to help Him regain his weight & appetite back.} I was already 5 pounds heavy from eating too many winter carbs & my size 10 felt snug; but I ate w my darling hubby as he wanted & he did gain 20 pounds back & looks healthy again Dh thought I could lose my fat in a couple of months but it took me almost a year of 'healthy eating' & I did hate that 1 1/2" of loose belly skin drooping & dh saw it & was fine w me having the surgery & the scar was minor in my no-no area & totally invisible after 2 yrs.
My other is *#2. My mother-in-law 5' 1" tall was over 250 pounds & she took my young son to a movie. She spoke to me later that night crying; saying she barely fit into the movie seat & she asked how I stay a size 10 w 3 kids & cooking, etc. I told her I only ate 1 serving size portions @ all my meals except for raw veggies that I double, because I want to nurture my kids & help my grandbabes grow-up & see graduate high school. She asked me to 'help her' to reach the 'same goal' so we found a WW meeting & she met her goal & wears a lovely size 14 & is happy & confident. She wears a swimsuit & goes to swim aerobics & swims in our pool & wears shorts w/o feeling embarrassed. That was 19 years ago & she's a lifetime member of WW & never eats over 1 serving size per meal of anything; we r Both eating whatever we want, just Not bingeing on a 2nd serving or super-size servings.
Almost everyone has gone through times of grief or living in fear; I did as a child & I survived it & I am Thankful to b here.... Do whatever Pleases U & helps U feel Happy & Confident. And Don't let anybody else's remarks or stares affect your dignity; because ppl care, & 'we care @ 3FC about everyone', this place is like a giant-church-family. But remember that if we put 'Lots of junk' into our bodies, chances r our body health Will fail us & Nobody ever wants to go live in a 'assisted nursing care home' when we're young/@ +50 yrs. etc. from poor health/medication needs, wheel-chair bound, etc.
*#3. I had a high-school friend Brenda that was +50 pounds over-weight & a prior smoker & in her mid 40's she became diabetic & lost a foot & she committed suicide 2 yr. later. Her depression/frustration 'killed her' & she minimalized it; nobody picked-up on it.
Let Somebody 'know' if U or somebody U know feels depression, etc from their problems; God created us All in beauty & w Love & as a huge extended family
We're going horse-back riding soon, it's a lovely afternoon in MI 74*. B happy & enjoy Your week
I envy that you got to experience being hot by social standards. Many of us (thin, obese, and everything in between) will never have that experience, because society tells us we're too short, too tall, too thin, too fat, too curvy, not curvy enough, eyes too small, too close together, too far apart, chin too strong or too weak, nose too big or too small, breasts too big or too small, teeth too big or too small, skin the wrong color, too many freckles, acne, scarring, disfigurements big and small.....
All my life, I've been hoping to lose the weight and experience "hotness" for myself. I had reasonably nice skin, hair and teeth and a "pretty face," surely hotness was within my grasp.
I didn't start to get a handle on my weight until I was 40 years old, but I looked damned good (I thought) for a 40 year old woman. There was still hope...
And then the weight loss started revealing wrinkles and saggy skin. I had some dental problems we didn't have money to fix. I started having symptoms of perimenopause and started to see my beautiful, smooth skin turn crepey in places like my eyelids and the back of my hands. Arthritic knots starting appearing on my fingers - fingers that I had always seen as slender and graceful for a woman of my size.
Hotness is now eternally beyond my grasp unless by some miracle, hundreds of thousands of dollars fall in my lap. Even then, any semblance of hotness would be a long shot and would require many painful, risky procedures. Procedures that would, at best, be partially successful.
I GET IT!
Really, I do, but you can mourn what you've lost (or in my case, never had in the first place) or you can rock the body you have. Feeling beautiful and sexy is a choice. It's not an easy choice, especially with society whispering and even screaming in our ears that we are not only "not hot" we are not even fit to look upon.
It's not just vanity to believe societal nonsense, it's utter bull.....pucky. You can believe the B.S. or you can learn to create your own "heat." Call it delusion if you wish, but the alternative is living in the cold.
KNOW that you were extremely fortunate to have experienced "hotness" during your lifetime. Most of us never do and never will. I'm not complaining. I'm extremely fortunate to have gotten as close as I did. I never experienced hotness, but I also haven't (knock on wood) experienced grotesque disfigurement.
Being less than hot only sucks if you let it, and if you choose not to celebrate your escape of much worse.
This may sound harsh, but I only mean it to save you the long term pain of self-chosen misery. You are using lost hotness as an excuse to feel miserable. Get over it, or you will give up the weight loss. Or worse, you will end up unhappy with a body and more importantly, a life that many would and will envy.
Create your own beauty, because while it isn't easy, it's something no one but you can take away from you.
You are right. And I am working on my head along with the body. It's just so hard sometimes. I think changing my head is much harder than my body.
I picked out the above lines from what you said. I've had problems in this area, also. The last time I lost 140 lbs, my doctor showed me my before and after pictures and ask me if I saw the difference. I remember telling him that I felt different (lighter, healthier,etc.), but I didn't see a big difference. I was still 200lbs, and fat. He told me then, that if I couldn't see the difference, I was bound to regain the weight. Unfortunately, he was a medical doctor, and not a psych Dr. so he didn't really elaborate at the time, but he was right. I gained 100lbs back, in almost the same time it took to loose it.
You are obviously "hot" to your husband, maybe you just don't see it. My suggestion is to engage a counselor to help you see the positive changes you're making in your body, and not just the flaws. When you make your goal trip to Hawaii, you want to FEEL as hot as you will look!
Yes, I have considered therapy. I have been in an out since I was 8. Another "gift" from my parents. LOL!
I am actually not worried about gaining it back, but ironically what I am worried about is going the other way. I know I have hallmarks of an eating disorder, and the truth is that if I don't get my head under control I will never "see" it.
In other news, I didn't make the 60 lb mark, I am actually up a few lbs, but I expected it.
Yep. I know. I am a stubborn chick lol. I made the decision Jaunary 27 to stop the insanity and make changes. I gave myself and my family my word. I don't back down on my word.
Dh thought I could lose my fat in a couple of months 
but it took me almost a year of 'healthy eating' & I did hate that 1 1/2" of loose belly skin drooping & dh saw it & was fine w me having the surgery & the scar was minor in my no-no area & totally invisible after 2 yrs. 
& helps U feel Happy & Confident. And Don't let anybody else's remarks or stares affect your dignity; because ppl care, & 'we care @ 3FC about everyone', this place is like a giant-church-family. But remember that if we put 'Lots of junk' into our bodies, chances r our body health Will fail us & Nobody ever wants to go live in a 'assisted nursing care home' when we're young/@ +50 yrs. etc. from poor health/medication needs, wheel-chair bound, etc. 
