Or you can say, "your food is so wonderful that I can't resist it, but then I gain all this weight." And either ask her to find recipes that are lower fat/less calories or explain why you can take just a spoonful or two. This problem isn't going to go away, so you need to find a way to work through it.
And as to why it matters so much to her? Because she loves her family and that is one way to show it. Remember, we don't always show love in the way that OTHER people need/want it, but it's how they know how to express it.
Eating ahead of time isn't a bad idea! Even if you end up having to have some of the food to appease the MIL, you're likely to become full fast enough to not eat too much. Maybe a salad and a big glass of water before going over there will help...bulk without the calories.
It was so nice to read that other people experience this too! I agree that I need to find a way to deal with this - it is only wasting food and money - both things I am completely against. I've actually never had this problem before in my life - in fact, I was a super poor college student that didn't have any food in the fridge for SO long!
Donating the food isn't really an option, unfortunately. Its not as easy as you'd think.
I do freelance academic work, so I don't have a normal work enviro. Technically that means I already do bring the food to work. It is just me and the left-overs at home!
Another comment was to let my boyfriend deal with the problem - I think that could be an idea I need to return to. Of course this problem is simmering and is quite old. I have involved him and she did downsize. I think I need to throw the leftovers away in front of his face.
I mean, he can't complain, he doesn't like left-overs! He is a food snob and only eats super fresh, hot food.
I do know that food (and obsessive cleaning of her childrens' homes) is the major way my mother-in-law expresses her love for her family, HOWEVER -
she also simply loves to cook and cooks too much. She would have to throw it out if I didn't throw it out. It is sort of like giving the dirty job away sometime.... I'm not trying to make her into a monster, she's definitely not, but she is absolved from the guilt of wasting!
Anyway, I think it will simply be throwing away for now, unfortunately. I'm really trying hard to clean up my act and take responsibility for my past overeating, which has got me to where I'm at now.
Last night, I did eat a small portion of one of her left-over dishes and then I had major heartburn! I don't know if it was all the red meat or all the cream! I saved 700 cal. for the evening, just to eat this so I wouldn't feel quilty about throwing it away. It wasn't even worth it - I think most of us here know that heavy food, when on a healthy, lower calorie diet, makes us feel like crap!
But, I think it will have to be my boyfriend that says "NO, we love your cooking but we don't want to take anything home".
Thanks again for the comments, they really helped!
My MIL made a disgusting ethnic dish from ground up lungs...YUK! The smell was atrocious! And what was worse was the fried brains with onions and garlic. GAWD!
I was always grateful for the food, always took it home and gave it to my dog. He was crazy about the stuff and it was really good for his health.
It disappeared in an instant. He wolfed it down. He was one happy dog.
Bad situation to be in! Can he try and talk to his mom for you?
I'm one of those people who equate food with love. I LOVE to feed people I care about. It's just one of those quirks.
I say just take all the food save what you can for him. It will at the very least come in handy on a night when you don't want to cook at least DF will have a hot meal.
I'm sure in time she'll get used to your new way of eating.
I also come from a family where food is an expression of love. I think it also helps my mother still feel "needed" and gives her an opportunity to still "take care" of me.
It might be that having anyone discuss this with her could hurt her in ways you wouldn't intend. I think it's wonderful that you've gracefully accepted this far.
What about making her an ally? Obviously, there's a wedding pending. Tell her that you're trying to get into wedding shape. Ask her to teach you how to make some of her lower calorie dishes. Make her your partner in dieting. Let her know that after the discussion you can't take home her lovely meals/sweets because she's to great of a cook and you can't resist her sublime food. Make her feel included and ask her to help teach you how to come up with lighter options. She may be more compliant (which is what you want) if she becomes part of your solution.
I was raised with the " we must not waste food" evidently it is a sin, so it was really hard for me to give myself permission to throw perfectly good food away. When someone just insists I must take their delicious, lovingly prepared food. I take it home for "later". Here in the US I often see homeless people asking for food. I stop and give it to them or , as hard as it is , take it home and throw it in the garbage. I find it is impossible to reeducate these people. I do what is best for me, and calorie laden food, no matter how delicious is not best for me.
I do the same thing for my boyfriend. He has a high metabolism and can eat what he wants because he has a very laborious job. I show him love by cooking meals for him that I do not allow myself to eat. I know that he is getting the nourishment that he needs and not eating fast food for every meal.
Take the food, freeze what you can for your boyfriend, and take the rest to work. I also like the idea of mentioning foods that you do like that are healthy. She may decide to cook them, she may not...but it doesn't hurt to try.
You might try talking sensibly to her, If you were diabetic, would she be offering you foods loaded with sugar ? If you were allergic to shell fish , would she be offering foods to you that would cause a severe allergic reaction ? Tell her although you appreciate her efforts that there are some foods you just CANNOT eat. Ask her to help you with this as it is important for your helath.
I don't have any quick answers, but I can say I feel your pain! My grandmother (1st generation American born of German immigrants) does the exact same thing. She sends us home with tons of leftovers, extra groceries, etc. (Which is so unnecessary because we can certainly afford groceries....we're not in college anymore!) Fortunately, I can give the non-perishable stuff to the food shelf. We try to eat some of the leftovers, but much of it gets thrown out, which like you, I really hate doing. It's so wasteful.
She has backed off a little since I started my weight loss effort last year. Like your MIL, my grandma overcooks and overbuys and probably doesn't want the guilt of throwing things out, so she gives it to us. I think part of that is a product of her generation, having grown up on a farm in the 1930's-40's when food was scarce. It was wise to stock up, and you don't waste anything. The gift of food was literally the give of love and life.
One thing that has helped is we've started hosting Thankgsiving at our house. She brings a few dishes and helps me cook. We still have plenty of food, mind you, but this way, I can send food home with HER
When it comes down to it, as much as I hate wasting food...it hurts me more to hurt my grandma's feelings.
Last edited by NorthernExposure; 10-10-2011 at 01:54 PM.
I can sympathize with her and I am one of those food is love people. My husband only eats to survive and that just doesn't fit well with me. However, she needs to understand that you must limit yourself. She is only helping you go off track by shoving all of this food in your face,
I live in the deep South, where a person's affection for you is directly related to how much butter they try to spoon into you.
I would express a strong preference for something she cooks that isn't too far off your plan...go so far as to call her and ask her to make it for you when you're visiting. The food-love-givers are almost always thrilled and flattered to have a a special request, and you won't hurt her feelings. Eat a reasonable portion, take any leftovers home.
Your boyfriend won't eat leftovers? That's really weird. Can you train him to? I mean...many things (stews and such) actually taste better leftover and it prevents waste.
If the bf isn't cooperative, dogs do love leftovers.
There's probably no way to talk her out of feeding you without hurting her feelings. If you're nice about it, she'll probably think you're just trying to be polite and that you don't really mean it. Looking at your weight and height, chances are she doesn't think about you having a weight problem, so that won't register no matter how many times you tell her you'd like to lose a few more pounds.
Oh, also...when you go over you can insist on bringing a dish to help out. Just like it's rude for you to refuse her food when she insists, it would be rude for her to refuse yours. Ask what she'll be making for an entree and then say, "Schnitzel? That sounds great. I'll bring the side dish." Make your thing healthy and you can fill your plate with it, and then eat just a little of her offerings.
If all else fails, throw it out, and remind yourself that eating it would be every bit as wasteful...more so in fact...two wrongs instead of one so to speak.
My boyfriends grandparents are exactly like this. They are Italian and his grandparents are straight from Italy. My boyfriend says that is one of the ways they show love. I was in a similar situation as you, we went over for coffee and a visit. It turns out they made pasta with sauce and moose meat. I don't eat moose so I politely said that I was stuffed because I had eaten before I came. They were angry, started yelling in italian at my boyfriend. His grandfather actually picked up a fork and tried stuffing it in my mouth says "You Like, You Like". I had to excuse myself and go to the car.
My boyfriend later told me that they were not mad or trying to be rude but thought that I was getting too skinny and simply wanted to feed me. They seriously thought I was starving myself! Sadly, they can't stop themselves so I don't go over very often. As for the remaining food I don't think you should feel bad about throwing it away, try and make it a liberating experience? Your so committed to weight loss that you will not be tempted by that tasty food! I know it sounds silly, but I have totally done it lol
