How to not take weight related comments about others personally
Hi,all! I recently moved down to Arizona from KY while my husband goes into basic training. Neither he nor I drive, so we invited our friends to drive, but offered to pay all expenses (gas, food, lodging). Our two friends are guys, and generally they're two of my best friends. I feel that because I am such a close friend, they hardly think of me as the woman in the room or someone to get their feelings hurt at silly comments. Usually I don't, because usually their comments are sensitive to my feelings, but this time it wasn't. We were visiting Tombstone, as my parents are close. It is a great touristy type of place, but it's entrenched in history and I love seeing the cool western wear and browsing the shops. At the restaurant we ate at, the ladies were wearing cute revealing old west showgirl outfits. I loved them! They were all so beautiful, and I was pleasantly surprised when one was a bigger girl-not that big, but bigger than the others, and in my opinion, quite beautiful in her bar maid dress. We all enjoyed ourselves and left but later one of my friends said, " Those girls were so cool, I loved their fishnets!" and as an afterthought said, "I didn't like the fat one though". Ok, I know that everyone has a type. I don't expect everyone to be into bigger girls, just as not everyone is into skinnier ones. I guess it just made me wonder what the heck he thought of me! I don't expect him to think I am attractive-I'm happily married-but I don't think any woman wants to hear how unattractive her body type is to anyone. I said, "I thought she was quite pretty" and left it at that, and the conversation ended. As thoughtless as I thought his comments were, I know it wasn't meant to hurt my feelings. All the same, I did take it personally and cried about it later-even thinking of it burns me. How do you not take thoughtless comments like that personally?
Men are men. Unfortunatly. They don't think like we do. And your right, sounds like they think of you as ''one of the guys'' my best buds are guys as well and make comments like that all the time, I however try not to let it bug me and can usually get an apology out of it by making a omment or joke like '' hello, fat girl standing right here'', they usually apologize over and over and tell me they think I look great and they were being ''guys''. I don't rightly know what they think of me in private , but I don't let it bug me, because like you I'm happily married to the man of my dreams and I know he loves me just the way Iam.
Why not let it bother you? It's shallow and an indication of looking at women as objects, so yeah, be bothered by your friends making statements like that, and in my experience, when people make comments about someone's weight, in front of a person with weight issues, they know exactly what they are doing, and just are so used to doing it. If they made racial comments, would you let it slide and think you were being oversensitive?
Hmm, interesting. Yeah, guys say a lot of stupid stuff-"guys will be guys!" but I agree with you, I'd still be thinking that he was a bit shallow. It makes me wonder what other stuff guys say when they're "just being guys" that is either offensive or is untrue.
Blah, people love to pass judgement, don't they? I won't say I don't do it, but I'm generally judging stuff that is a choice. I think something like, "I love her hairstyle" or "Nice boots!" or "Oh, honey, I miss Amy Winehouse too, but let's not pay homage to her with our eyeliner."
Men are different. They just love to offer up their opinions of women's appearance. My husband does that regularly when we're watching TV and sometimes I just get enough of it and snap, "Yeah, I'm sure Megan Fox is crying because a fortyish guy in New Orleans said she's too skinny!" It just seems like an automatic response for them to think, "Too fat" or "too skinny" or "too tall"--which begs the question, too fat/skinny/tall for what?!?
I don't think some of them realize that the habit of passing constant judgement is a rude one and that saying that kind of stuff aloud is as socially backward as pointing and staring. You were exactly right to handle it as you did, and you were courteous in not offering a little more commentary: "Oh, I'm sure she thought the same of you, she was just too polite to say it out loud" or something similar.
I doubt you'd have felt like crying if he'd said one of the women was "too skinny" or "too tall," would you? Take it in the same spirit, if you can, and accept that your friend occasionally opens his mouth and lets something dumb slip out. I also find it hard not to internalize others' judgements--"wow," I think to myself, "If he thinks that actress is homely, what must he think of me?"--but they are in the wrong for making those judgements publicly, not you.
Next time your buddy says "I don't like the fat one," remind him that "No one likes the rude one."
My best friend is also a guy and I find myself sometimes just having to shake my head when he comments about some woman he sees on the street. I usually roll my eyes and let it go.
I know it's really easy to be offended and feel your confidence slip when your buddies start oogling the skinny bikini clad women when you are there in a one piece trying to suck it in. Just remember, they are your friends for a reason and they love you no matter how tall, short, thin, fat you are.
If you are really bothered you could say something like
"The other day when you made that comment about the fat one, I didn't really appreciate it and i think you owe me a cookie for being a jerkface' But say it in a playful manner. it lets them know it hurt your feelings.
I would have said something. Like, "Present company excepted?" Often people don't realize when they are saying something stupid and insensitive, and it helps them to be called on it.
Of course it was hurtful to you--everyone who has been fat knows how that feels. But it seems that in his mind, you weren't in the same category--otherwise why would he have said it?
How do you not take it personally? Well, if you are black and someone is trashing black people in a racist way, of course you take it personally. If you are gay or lesbian and someone is making hate comments about gays, yeah, that can feel really personal. But I guess transcending those feelings is a matter of realizing that one is more than one's labels, no matter what they are.
My best pals are guys. (Hubby is also a guy, but he's the sensitive type. lol). Just another side to it: Have you considered that they don't think you and the "fat one" are the same body type? Perhaps he had no idea it was offensive, because in his mind you're a hottie. Even if you and that other girl had EXACTLY the same build, from his perspective you don't... because he knows you and loves you and sees you for who you are.
When people love us, they often view us as thinner or more attractive or funnier or whatever than we really might be, just because their vision is clouded by their love.
(I'm not saying this guy has the HOTS for you, I'm referring to a platonic love, you know?)
I have been around guys too that make those kind of comments. I even had a guy friend who I liked (and he wasn't exactly what one would call perfect either). He actually sent me a picture of a girl he met, she was beautiful, and said he loved girls like that and that fat ones grossed him out...WTF...
Try to let his comment roll off of you. I never let them hide behind the boys will be boys though. It says something to their character.
I had to back off from a guy friend that used to be my bff for saying similar things around me. I just couldn't ignore his blatant sexism and general insensitivity anymore. It didn't bother me when we were kids and in our early twenties. We used to think of each other as siblings but now we're more like facebook acquaintances. It's sad. Even though your friend didn't direct his comment at you, I feel like the others in that it shows his character and it's uglier than he thought the heavier waitress was.
Next time your buddy says "I don't like the fat one," remind him that "No one likes the rude one."
This and this...
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I never let them hide behind the boys will be boys though. It says something to their character.
And this!
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Even though your friend didn't direct his comment at you, I feel like the others in that it shows his character and it's uglier than he thought the heavier waitress was.
We're not all attracted to the same types of people. Which is totally fine. He doesn't have to be attracted to the one lady.
But thoughtless comments are more than just thoughtless. I'm SOOO glad you spoke up. Shine a light on that kind of ugh behaviour! You are right to be bothered by it!
I don't buy the "just being guys." So what? That doesn't give them license to act like rude jerks. I find it insulting to the truly nice men I know. "Just guys" implies men are animals of some kind who can't be civilized?
Worse, even if they ARE generally nice guys but needing more social skills -- letting junk like that slide because "they are just guys -- he's really nice deep down?" Doesn't help the first guy learn better social skills.
Worse, it just means the nasty guys get room to work their nasty in with a pass and the people they are mean to don't get that they are being targeted. They keep excusing unacceptable behavior because "He's just being a guy."
Or if the targets speak up and seek help other people dismiss subtle abuse as imagined because they too have been conditioned to think "Oh, really he's a nice guy. He's just being a goofball...."
The verbal abusers who ARE NOT being "just guys" and who are predators slippin' in the zingers and when busted go "Oh, we're just being guys. You are too sensitive" can keep up their nasty and keep on slippin' by and messing with their target's heads.
You'd think the ones who are "actually nice guys" would just not do it and call EACH OTHER on that BS if they spot it in others. I know nice men who don't engage in that kind of talk. So... what's so hard about being polite then?
Politeness never hurt anyone. Giving it a pass might. Silence might.
A.
(Sorry if I hijacked a bit - very frustrated for a friend who is enduring abuse. )
You need to get a license. How in the world can your husband go into the service and not drive?
Guys (not all) are just rude. I had a neighbor once telling me about these women that worked with him at the Post Office and he is saying how lazy they were and they must weigh 150 lbs. Really?? I, at the time weighed 175. People just plain don't think.
THANK YOU for saying that! I have to admit that I'm not comfortable with the men-bashing that we seem to get popping up here and there in this forum. Our society may put more pressure on women to conform to a physical ideal of beauty than it does on men, but both women and men are equally capable of being nice or nasty about the whole business.
fatferretfanatic - sorry you had that experience, it's grotty, and I think you handled it very well. In theory I like to speak up when I hear bigoted remarks, but in practice it's so much more complicated, as you can feel intimidated, it can cause social discomfort, it could be someone you care about saying it, and most of all, I personally am crap at thinking on my feet, and am more likely to stare at them blankly than come out with some witty but kindly remark that magically re-educates the person in question with a single line.
How to not take weight related comments about others personally
Ok, I know that everyone has a type. I don't expect everyone to be into bigger girls, just as not everyone is into skinnier ones. 
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