In theory I like to speak up when I hear bigoted remarks, but in practice it's so much more complicated, as you can feel intimidated, it can cause social discomfort, it could be someone you care about saying it, and most of all, I personally am crap at thinking on my feet, and am more likely to stare at them blankly than come out with some witty but kindly remark that magically re-educates the person in question with a single line.
I know. Not all people (men and women) are nasty of course. But the nasty ones rely on uncomfortable silence to work their nasty in. I don't know that they really CAN be re-educated in one sentence. But they don't have to play their games here either.
Breaking the silence = shoo! No shenanigans from you!
Just do it appropriately for the circumstances and take care of your own safety. "Speaking up" can also mean alerting the parents, manager, the cops, whoever is appropriate for the circumstances.
In this case where it was a guy friend "being a guy and making comments" -- I think what she did to draw attention to the not cool aspect of his comments was fine. Or even just a plain "Hey! That's not cool" works -- I know I'm not always clever at comebacks.
If they are nice deep down, they will realize they crossed a line and apologize. If they aren't... well, maybe it is time to stop knowing them then.
And people like my kid who watches EVERYTHING and takes it in? I rather she see me do the right thing even if I feel uncomfortable doing it than grow up thinking she has to take rude or subtle abuse believing rude isn't really rude or that it isn't really abuse because it's not fists. :P
Sometimes I think I am the only one who doesn't take it personally. How do I do it? I constantly keep in mind that my BODY IMAGE and my SELF IMAGE are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. Plus, realizing that not every comment is "aimed" at me. I take responsibility for my own feelings. Unless someone outright says to me "I don't like you because you're fat" then I don't take it that they mean it that way. After all, your friend didn't say "I didn't like the fat one BECAUSE she's fat." Maybe he just didn't LIKE HER & calling her "fat" was the way he "profiled" her. OR - maybe he didn't like her "because she was fat" - so f'n what? WE ALL HAVE OUR PREFERENCES. Right? It's OK to not be attracted to someone who's fat (or skinny, or tall or short, or poor, or ugly, or stupid, etc.) And guess what? In America, it's even OK to SAY SO. Freedom of speech & all that. Is it morally acceptable? To most people, no. But then again, who are WE to judge OTHERS by their JUDGMENT of US? (now there's something to chew on!) People are rude, cruel, stupid, ignorant, biased, prejudice, you name it. And you can't get away from them! Because people? Kinda a planetary epidemic.
I hit a high of 192 lbs & considered myself grotesque & disturbingly disgusting at that weight. I got called fat TO MY FACE by a total stranger. In a clothing store. OhDearGod! While I found it rude, it didn't "bother me". WHY? BECAUSE I WAS FAT. Hellfire & brimstone, I still am, nearly 30 pounds lighter and I'm STILL FAT. And I know it. ("The truth hurts"...??? Yeah, sometimes! But it doesn't make it any less true!) I call me fat, it's not a personal disservice, or a self loathing, it's pure & simple a truthful adjective. IT DOESN'T MAKE ME ANY LESS SMART, FUNNY, PRETTY, COOL, FASHIONABLE, etc. What is DOES make me is... FAT. But hey, I'm work'n on that!
Whether the word is fat, obese, chubby, big-bone'ded (my personal fave ) chunky, wide, etc, it's always going to be what it is. "It is what it is, yo." And what it is... IS FAT.
REMEMBER: your BODY IMAGE and your SELF IMAGE are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. Don't confuse the two, and maybe the next time someone makes an off-handed comment, you can spare your own feelings by not taking it personally.
Last edited by Beach Patrol; 07-26-2011 at 12:47 PM.
Many excellent points there. However, there is a difference between being personally unattracted to fat people, and treating fat people as a group with disrespect. It can be hard to tell which it is, which is why this can be such an uncomfortable situation. There was more than a hint in the comment that the OP was upset about that the guy considered fat people as a group fair game for derogatory comments.
I'm trying to think of an analogy. I don't find butchness personally attractive, it's a perfectly legitimate way of presenting yourself, it just doesn't do it for me. However, if I were to say, "I don't like the butch one," I am transforming "butch" into an insult, and "the [...] one" is often a derogatory way of referring to another human being. (Wasn't there a fuss about this in the debates for the last US presidential election, when McCain called Obama "that one"?) I wouldn't feel comfortable saying that. I'm more likely to say something like, "Not my style, I don't really go for butch men/women," but probably only in certain circumstances, such as while chatting privately at home with my partner.
I get derogatory comments pretty often because I'm disabled. I agree that it's my responsibility to myself to learn to live with it, not to let other people's bigotry upset me. However, that doesn't mean that this behaviour is acceptable, nor that I can't have a good moan about it from time to time. And sometimes it's not just about having a good moan, it's about furthering a serious human rights issue. Rudeness about obesity isn't just a matter of personal insults, it can get to the point where, for instance, some people think that obese people should be denied medical care.
that doesn't mean that this behaviour is acceptable, nor that I can't have a good moan about it from time to time.
Having a good moan (or "vent session" as I call it) is what 3FC is here for! And I too, have enjoyed quite a few "bemoanments"
So while I do agree with you, the OP did ask "How do you not take thoughtless comments like that personally?" And the fact is that WE CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE. We can't control their rudeness, we can't control their levels of stupidity, we can't control their mouth, and we can't control their desires, preferences, etc. We might like to give someone a lesson in morality, how we think they should not to be so rude (or stupid) etc, but it's a waste of our time. Others' behaviors may be unacceptable, but the sheer fact of the matter is that we can't do anything about it. WE CAN ONLY CONTROL OUR OWN ACTIONS. So isn't it a better use of our time to learn how to do that?
Last edited by Beach Patrol; 07-26-2011 at 01:48 PM.
Thanks for the input all. I think all of the opinions expressed here are very valid, valuable and worthwhile. Thanks all! I know many of you probably are thinking, "Stop being so sensitive" and that's true too-I should be a little more thick skinned. But, I know how I'd feel if someone said that about me and I found out. Saying something like, "They're not my style" at least says that even if it's not your taste, you don't think of them in a negative light, so that's not derogatory. But, I thought my friends' comment was a bit. I could definitely see our other friend gritting his teeth over that comment, as it was a bit uncomfortable for everyone with me standing there. In any case, next time I will address it right then and there rather than stewing over it.
As far as the license thing, I am well aware that we need it, Bellamack. Though it will be a slight inconvenience until hubby can get his after he's in the service, it is certainly possibly to function in the military without one. My brother has done so for over 3 years. In college, our town didn't have a DMV, and only did in the next town which we couldn't get to because we couldn't drive-in high school, I had to wait until I could get glasses, but that was not until after I had graduated and my parents weren't really comfortable with me having a license then anyway. It would make life easier, sure, which is why we plan on getting them soon, but right now, until I can get glasses again and he gets into the navy, neither of us has the means to get a license much less a car after that right now.
P.S-Beach Patrol, your advice is great. You can't control people, and you can't control their thoughts feelings, and stupidity, so it's useless to take those things personally because it is hardly about the person, it's about them. I am very much for taking personal responsibility about things, especially your emotional state about certain things. But, I'm def. not perfect in that area, and have more trouble with that because I am really tender hearted. But, I'm trying. ^_^
Last edited by fatferretfanatic; 07-26-2011 at 02:01 PM.
Beachpatrol - good point, I think we all sort of missed that a bit! I suppose one way of working through not taking something personally is by reminding yourself that if someone makes a personal attack (and deliberately making derogatory comments about fat people in front of someone overweight is pretty much a personal attack), it's very easy to feel got at, that they're right. Actually, what you should be thinking is, "It's not me, it's you." They're the ones who are being rude, who are trying to hurt someone's feelings or play power games. Think about whether you would say something that nasty to someone else.
On a side note, I'd like to say, being the self-motivated motor-mouth that I am, I would DEFINITELY have a witty/sarcastic come-back to something someone said about fat people (or a racist comment, or comment about gays or certain religions, etc.) Yeah... I'm argumentative like that, but it's because I thrived on the debate team & learned HOW to be argumentative. One of my favorite things to do is to point out others' narrow-mindedness & what a jacka$$ it makes them look like. I'm kinda a b**** like that, but I'm a b**** for the underdog!
P.S-Beach Patrol, your advice is great. You can't control people, and you can't control their thoughts feelings, and stupidity, so it's useless to take those things personally because it is hardly about the person, it's about them. I am very much for taking personal responsibility about things, especially your emotional state about certain things. But, I'm def. not perfect in that area, and have more trouble with that because I am really tender hearted. But, I'm trying. ^_^
It's a work-in-progress for all of us hon!! Me included!!
This is an article I read (& kept!) from 2008 - I don't even remember where I got it from, but thought it was pertinent to this conversation.
~enjoy!!
There is an ancient and well-kept secret to happiness and it is fundamental to good mental health. This secret is called The Fine Art of Not Being Offended. In order to truly be a master of this art, one must be able to see that every statement, action and reaction of another human being is the sum result of their total life experience to date. In other words, the majority of people in our world say and do what they do from their own set of fears, conclusions, defenses and attempts to survive. Most of it, even when aimed directly at us, has nothing to do with us. Usually, it has more to do with all the other times, and in particular the first few times, that this person experienced a similar situation, usually when they were young.
Yes, this is psychodynamic. But let’s face it, we live in a world where psychodynamics are what make the world go around. An individual who wishes to live successfully in the world as a spiritual person really needs to understand that psychology is as spiritual as prayer. In fact, the word psychology literally means the study of the soul.
All of that said, almost nothing is personal. Even with our closest loved ones, our beloved partners, our children and our friends. We are all swimming in the projections and filters of each other’s life experiences and often we are just the stand-ins, the chess pieces of life to which our loved ones have their own built-in reactions. This is not to dehumanize life or take away the intimacy from our relationships, but mainly for us to know that almost every time we get offended, we are actually just in a misunderstanding. A true embodiment of this idea actually allows for more intimacy and less suffering throughout all of our relationships. When we know that we are just the one who happens to be standing in the right place at the right psychodynamic time for someone to say or do what they are doing—we don’t have to take life personally. If it weren’t us, it would likely be someone else.
This frees us to be a little more detached from the reactions of people around us. How often do we react to a statement of another by being offended rather than seeing that the other might actually be hurting? In fact, every time we get offended, it is actually an opportunity to extend kindness to one who may be suffering—even if they themselves do not appear that way on the surface. All anger, all acting out, all harshness, all criticism, is in truth a form of suffering. When we provide no Velcro for it to stick, something changes in the world. We do not even have to say a thing. In fact, it is usually better not to say a thing. People who are suffering on the inside, but not showing it on the outside, are usually not keen on someone pointing out to them that they are suffering. We do not have to be our loved one’s therapist. We need only understand the situation and move on. In the least, we ourselves experience less suffering and at best, we have a chance to make the world a better place.
This is also not to be confused with allowing ourselves to be hurt, neglected or taken advantage of. True compassion does not allow harm to ourselves either. But when we know that nothing is personal, a magical thing happens. Many of the seeming abusers of the world start to leave our lives. Once we are conscious, so-called abuse can only happen if we believe what the other is saying. When we know nothing is personal, we also do not end up feeling abused. We can say, “Thank you for sharing,” and move on. We are not hooked by what another does or says, since we know it is not about us. When we know that our inherent worth is not determined by what another says, does or believes, we can take the world a little less seriously. And if necessary, we can just walk away without creating more misery for ourselves or having to convince the other person that we are good and worthy people.
The great challenge of our world is to live a life of contentment, regardless of what other people do, say, think or believe. The fine art of not being offended is one of the many skills for being a practical mystic. Though it may take a lifetime of practice, it is truly one of the best kept secrets for living a happy life.
Great article! I think that's true, as well. My father has been preaching that same logic, and I have been doing my best to adopt it as well, because when you take responsibility for everything in your life, that means you have the most control over your life and happiness. Emotions are trickier than things like weight loss, even-I can say, I'm taking responsibility for my life, and then be offended by the silliest things. That said, I'm over it. I know that comment wasn't about me, nor the beautiful plus size vixen in western wear. I think my friend must be insecure himself.
