What you just said is key. He is probably not joking. He is worried if you lose weight that you will leave him. You need to discuss this with him and explain that your weight makes you unhappy and that you need his support. Assure him that you care about him and don't intend to leave as soon as you reach your goal.
Really good advice.
I have a couple of friends who tried to sabotage my weight loss in the past... but I think it's because they were also bigger and were worried that my weight loss would make them feel bad or look bad. I can kind of sympathise - I've certainly felt that way about people who I'd seen losing weight in the past when I was at my biggest (although I would never dream of being unsupportive or sabotaging them).
Sometimes when they tried to drag me down I would let them (a trip to McDs, out for ice cream, a 'girly night in' which is just another term for binge session...). I would end up undoing all my hard work and it just made the road seem so much longer, and it made me feel weak and frustrated. In the end, I had a really frank conversation with them basically saying that if they kept it up they would lose me as a friend. I think they thought the attempt to lose weight was just a phase. When they saw how important it was to me and how much they were upsetting me, they stopped.
WOW I would have a long talk with your boyfriend and see why he's doing this (and if you don't like the answer, kick him to the curb!
My mother tries to sabotage me, unintentionally I believe because she constantly compliments me on the weight loss. She will keep offering me food, even if I refuse and will often tell me to eat things she buys (that I didn't ask for!) I understand she doesn't want to waste her money, but this is how I got into this mess in the first place
I've had the same problem. My SO is always trying to feed me because "he loves me and wants to share with me" Bull !! We've had many fights and discussions about it. If I offer to make him something he likes, like pizza, he'll only say yes if I agree to have it too. And sometimes he wants a double cheeseburger from McD's- but won't get it if I don't have one too.
Men can be such babies at times. I think there are insecurity issues also.
After several fights I sat him down and said look, what I eat shouldn't affect what you eat. You can have all the ice cream you want - but don't think I'm going to have a bowl too. You're a big boy and can make your own decisions. I told him I'm going to eat what I want to eat (ie healthy - no pizza, ice cream, etc except on rare occasions). He can join me if he wants to, or not. I've tried making dishes I know he likes (pork chops, stir fries, roast chicken) so we can eat together, but he won't eat these meals - never "feels like it" -- so he ends up living on cereal, apple pie and ice cream. So I gave up making things for both of us and just make the meals I can have and enjoy on my "healthy eating plan".
It has gotten better, but I still have to have the talk once in a while. And once in a while I'll take A spoonful of his cereal or ice cream as a sort of peace offering.
I can tell you I'm not happy about the situation because it creates a lot of tension, which I don't appreciate. Current circumstances make me accept this lot for the time being, but after the first of the year..... who knows?
He's obviously conflicted about it, but at root that's his problem. Controlling behaviour is not an appropriate solution. Tell him that you feel that you're better off handling this completely alone, as it's stressing you both out to talk about it. (And while I don't approve of his behaviour, he certainly doesn't sound happy.) If he falls back on the "I'm just joking" line, tell him firmly that however he means it, you're finding it very upsetting. (I had to do this with a neighbour who was being a saboteur in a very similar way.) Then say that while you don't want to talk about how you diet, and you're certainly not going to justify your dieting methods to him, you do want to talk about what your dieting means for you as a couple, and raise the thing about him worrying you'll leave him if you lose the weight. It's probably not helpful to point out that at this rate you'll leave him for bullying you about it, but it's definitely occurred to me! It might also help to say that dieting is quite hard work and you would really love his support, and then outline the ways in which he can be supportive.
Are you eating the same meals? If not, maybe the force-feeding might be partly about wanting to share food? Would it help if you had some very low-calorie snacks you could share together? Air-popped popcorn is a popular one here, and personally my partner and I like nothing so much as curling up in bed to watch silly TV with a bowl of strawberries or grapes.
It'll also probably get easier on your side as you get more used to dieting and feel more confident with your choices, since I'm guessing from your not having lost much less that you're quite new to this. You may get to the point where you can measure some things accurately enough by eye, or at least where you feel less self-conscious about measuring the foods. I started off having to keep nipping back to the computer while cooking to work out how many almonds I could have or what have you, and I'm in a much neater routine now. The more confident you are, the easier it will be to brush off his nonsense, and the less likely he is to prod at you.
Do talk this over, though, because it's a bad pattern for a relationship to get into. I'm assuming he's a nice man who has fallen into a bad habit here, rather than a natural bully. (If he's actually just showing that he's really a bully, you may need to think about leaving.) I think that dieting is stressful for many couples, it can be quite a hard thing to work through. My partner is generally being excellent about it, nicely supportive and saying the right things. He asked me at the start what he could do to help me, whether there are any snacks I'd prefer him not to bring into the house (I'm vegan, he's not, so the simple solution there is that he tends to bring home the snacks I can't eat anyway, and doesn't wave trigger foods in my face), and keeps telling me how proud he is of what I'm accomplishing. Even so, the second morning I weighed myself, he freaked out a bit and thought I was going to get obsessive with daily weighing. I explained that I'm doing it so that I can focus on the general pattern rather than each individual number, and promised that if I found it was stressing me out I'd try weekly weighing. (I turn out to be fine with daily weighing. Some are, some aren't.) I think that's been the only blip.
On your side, your partner is presumably your main source of emotional support, and it may be odd for you to know that you will have to refrain from talking about this to him, if you're doing that. Don't grumble about what you can and can't eat, don't wail that you're feeling fat, find other people to talk about that with. Even if you don't have sympathetic friends, and friends with whom you can talk about dieting are surprisingly rare, there's still this forum for oodles of support. Sometimes there are just subjects which two people can't talk about with each other because it all goes wrong. I mentioned my neighbour who was being a diet saboteur. Once I had a conversation with her about how all her pointed jokes and attempts at force-feeding me were really upsetting, she apologised, we dropped the subject, we don't talk about it, and things are much better.
I can't imagine living with someone like that. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My DF does a lot of things that piss me off, but he is very supportive of my weight loss (as long as I keep some jiggle ). I'd be pitching a fit if I were you. I'd ask him why he has a need to keep you unhealthy.
My BF can sabotage me at times. He works a physical job so he can eat twice what I do and burn it all off at work the next day. He is extremely disicplined and has a will of iron so if he decides to eat healthy then he will not slip up ever.
He holds me to the same standards and gets this look of dissapproval on his face when I do slip up. I tried for months to explain that him judging me for being human makes me want to give up on even trying.
The only thing that finally got through to him was when we had to live apart for 5 months due to work situation and I lost 25lbs on my own through my own methods. He finally saw that I could keep myself in check better when I wasn't being told off like a child for every slip up.
Some people just don't get it, you just have to keep repeating that it is none of his business and explaining that the more he picks and NAGS at you, the worse you will do. I find if you point out to men that they are nagging they look horrified and stop, even if only for a few days (then I remind my BF again).
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lin43
Oh, my ---You mean my husband has a personality twin out there?! My husband does some of the same things. His big thing is always wanting to go out to eat. I told him yesterday that I think he has an addiction to it (if I could only find a term for that addiction, I would level it at him all the time). He has never had a weight problem. He eats exactly what he wants, when he wants and often wants me to join him. Actually, he's sweet in that he doesn't give two hoots about my weight. He loves me and is attracted to me regardless of my size. However, what he sometimes has failed to realize is that losing weight is important to ME. He's gotten better over the years, though.
My husband knows that I need to lose this weight because of some health problems. I just had to teach him if he wants something, eat it, just don't try to make me eat it with you.
My husband likes to eat out, too, but I can make that work to my advantage. Most restaurants now have healthy choices on their menu, and I'm learning to eat a little and get a take-out box. It solves the problem of lunch the next day.
My husband used to put butter or cream in my food when I wasn't looking. He used to buy candy and put it on my laptop. He also said "I am not attracted to skinny women."
My husband knows that I need to lose this weight because of some health problems. I just had to teach him if he wants something, eat it, just don't try to make me eat it with you.
My husband likes to eat out, too, but I can make that work to my advantage. Most restaurants now have healthy choices on their menu, and I'm learning to eat a little and get a take-out box. It solves the problem of lunch the next day.
Carol
My boyfriend loves to eat out too and often times it's really the only chance for us to be alone so I go with him. I second the healthy choices and taking some home! It's great to have a nice meal the next day with the leftovers :3
Sometimes I'll even just ask for the takeout box and put the food away before I even start eating. It really helps if it's "out of sight"
I've had men on both sides of the coin...the one who sabotaged me because he was insecure and the one who sabotaged me because he equated food with happiness. Guess which one I'm with now...Mr Happy, lol.
My ex who was insecure became jealous (and controlling) once I lost the weight and it ruined our relationship (good riddance!!).
The man I'm with now, I sat down and had a good talk about how being this weight made me unhappy because I am unhealthy. Last weekend he went out and bought me fruits and veggies and eats at McDonalad's when he is out on his own.
Try talking FIRST...if that doesn't work then maybe the fork stabbing as someone else suggested! haha...no really...don't stab him...
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PreciousMissy
The man I'm with now, I sat down and had a good talk about how being this weight made me unhappy because I am unhealthy. Last weekend he went out and bought me fruits and veggies and eats at McDonald's when he is out on his own.
Poor McDonald's gets such a bad rap. DH occasionally likes to stop at McDonald's for a cheeseburger and fries, but I get a grilled chicken salad and apple dippers. Yes, most of their food is unhealthy, but it's all about the choices we make for ourselves.
Can't add much to what others have said here. But I beg you to have a serious talk with your BF. You are in a power struggle over this issue that has to be resolved. Losing weight is hard in itself without someone dear to you trying to undermine you.
This issue might be a good starting point for an in-depth talk about the entire relationship and what it's based on. If one day you decide to get married, you will need a supportive partner who feels secure enough to accept your autonomy.
Makes me think of the analogy of the handfull of sand: squeeze it tight and you will lose it, but let it lie there and it will stay there.
). I'd be pitching a fit if I were you. I'd ask him why he has a need to keep you unhealthy.
