I'm not trying to cause trouble, but I disagree with this...

Although my personal weight loss has been something I've wanted and have channelled energy into myself (and for the most part have done as a single person), I think it's really important to involve your life partner in your lifestyle changes.

I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, as I don't know you, and some of these posts have suggested that you have further depression that just weight-woes.

You need someone to lean on to take the pressure off of what is a difficult journey - physically and emotionally. No woman is an island (even though we are a tough breed!) He obviously wants you to get better for the sake of your health and your relationship, so maybe it would be a good idea to do something together; start walking a mile or two a day together (you'll be outside, you'll have time alone together to talk and focus on things, not distracted by the TV or anything like that).

My sex life has improved with weight loss and I have a boyfriend who gives me body confidence - but he's also involved in my weight loss, he helps me to say no to things I don't need and keeps actively interested in my exercising. His interest spurs me on as I know that our sex life is improving all the time, but it also brings us closer as a couple.

Maybe you should address the way that he put it to you... it sounds like he was being a typical guy, not thinking about what he was saying. Tell him you were hurt but then decide whether you do or don't want his support in the coming months - it's personal preference at the end of the day and maybe Nola's suggestion will be the better approach for you.

Here's the flip side of the picture: My husband weighs 350 lb. I love him but we don't have sex because 1. I am not attracted to him with the huge rolls of fat 2. it is extremely uncomfortable to be physically intimate and 3. the few times I have ever brought up the weight & intimacy issues, he got all upset and defensive. I heard all the rationales and excuses that most overweight people use.

When I lost 30-odd pounds, he got quite interested, but still stays fat himself.

So unlike your fiance, I don't take the chance of hurting his feelings, and anyway, he never asks how I feel....so we have no sex life.

At least your fiance gave you good feedback to YOUR QUESTION and the ball is in your court now.

I think we all want to think that our partners will be attracted to us no matter how much weight we gain, no matter what we do to our bodies. But that isn't the case. If I were to tattoo my entire face- my husband would still love me, but I'm willing to bet his attraction to me would be through the floor.

But, consider this- how many of us think that weight gain is purely physical? We can gain weight and nothing happens to our emotions and psyche? Nobody? That's because gaining weight doesn't affect just the way we look, it affects just about everything else about us as well.

I gained 80 pounds in the first four years of my marriage. Physically, I went from a size 8/10 to a size 18/20. But the emotional damage was even worse. My husband fell in love with me because I was confident, take charge, physically active, and an overall positive person. With this weight gain, I became withdrawn, miserable, ridiculously insecure, and unwilling or unable to participate in all of the things we had loved to do before. I went from being the person who could take on any group of people and be at ease. We both worked with teenagers, and I could comfortably lead a group of 250. By the time I had reached my high weight, I barely wanted to leave the house to spend time with friends, much less groups of new people.

Sexually, I went from adventurous and confident to "oh my god please don't ever touch my stomach" and hiding my body behind towels, blankets, etc. Positions we had enjoyed before were now too uncomfortable, physically and emotionally, for me to handle.

Yes, my husband has loved me through all of this. But, I couldn't blame him if he had become less attracted to me. I was no longer the girl he feel in love with- physically or emotionally. Some people don't go through nearly as much emotional damage (I have always admired Kaplods confidence!) but the simple truth is that weight affects more than just our bodies. At times, I think the loss of attraction is related to the personality changes and emotional challenges we face, perhaps even more so than the physical changes. In the end, I'll never know if my husband had stopped being attracted to me- because I had never wanted to hear he was, and so I had never asked.

From here- what do you want from him? You say that you are hurt and damaged by what he has said. Understandable. But how do you help him fix that? You can wait and hope that he figures it out on his own, but there's usually some mind reading involved there (a skill few of us have mastered) Figure out what you want from him and ask. DO you need him to reassure you that he still loves you? Tell him that. Do you want to hear that he thinks your breasts are amazing, or that he loves your smile? Tell him that. Most men have a hard time coming up with it on their own, but with direction, will gladly give us what we need. Give him the tools to help fix this rift in your relationship.

South I love it! Great advice! Kapolds! Too funny! Blue heron that is an amazing point to toss in! :)

AMEN! :D

H3ll there are plenty of positions where being heavier makes it better lol.. a lil extra weight and gravity can go a long way if you know how to work it lol

umm why would you doubt the OP's word that that was what was said.:?:

Doggy Style! im sorry for being graphic, but come on! it works at any weight!

Not every difference in opinion is an attack.
If I don't like a movie it does NOT mean I consider people who like it stupid or tasteless.
It simply means the movie was not for my tastes/humour etc.
Same thing goes with sex.
There are people who adore jelly-bellies wobbling, and huge breast only a heavy woman can have, or stick thin women without curves, or curvy chubbies, or normal weight chicks... yes there are tastes for everyone out there and one taste does not make the others perverted or less normal.

When it comes down to two people that want to be together and be exclusive partners in sex they have to find what is most ideal for them both.

If this specific fiance wants his woman healthier/thinner that is something respectable, as it is respectable if said woman does not wish to comply to fiance's needs. They can either meet each other's desires and their own, or live in strained tolerance, or break up.

Still everyone has a right to their own tastes, opinion and bodies.

The issue at hand is more how the couple will deal with this.

In my own opinion the solution is simple and it is weight loss, since the poster does not seem to be a rare case of a heavy person content with his/her weight.

I disagree about sex being better heavier, after being heavy and now just about 70 lbs lighter... I disagree 100%.

I think that they meant about the fiancé maybe not using those words, is most people summarize or they give their interpretation of what was said and maybe not the exact words. Sometimes if you miss a word or two or change one, it changes the meaning of the whole statement/comment

Chubby amen to that! :)

I am going to have to disagree with this one, myself.

Those who love us shouldn't say things that are cruel or hurtful. But they do, sometimes. We all say things sometimes. I've done it, and my husband has done it. We've been together almost 12 years and we've said a few God-awful things to each other along the way. But we also have the best relationship of anyone I've ever known. We talk about it afterwards, get to the bottom of what we really feel and why we said it. I make an effort to tell him how he could have said it better so as not to hurt my feelings so much when it's something so sensitive.

Once he told me something similar to the second part of what he said. He didn't word it well, and it hurt. He didn't mean for it to hurt, boys just often suck at talking about serious emotionally-charged things. He wanted to help me see how it affected him, and he wanted me to find it in myself to change myself. When I talked to him about it, he said he loved my body, even though it was less attractive in some ways than it used to be, but was sad about what I had done to myself and my health.

He said it the wrong way, but his concerns are sincere. To be honest with yourself, there's truth to it, to some degree. It was for me when I was at 278#, and I'm 5'6''. Physics are more difficult.

One thing that you should give him credit for is that he said it. He risked hurting your feelings to tell you that. Though it's possible that he let out some of his frustrations by saying it that way, he's human. But consider what he didn't say. He didn't say that he doesn't WANT to have sex with you. He didn't say that he doesn't think you're attractive. He didn't say that he doesn't want to be with you.

He commented on the physics and mechanics, and then on how hard it is for him to see what you do to yourself. The latter part is genuinely showing concern for someone he cares enough to say it kills him that you're harming yourself.

My advice: tell him how you really feel. Tell him that it hurt your feelings for him to say it that way, but tell him that you're glad to know how he really feels. Tell him how to phrase it better next time.

Then be honest: Tell him how you truly feel about yourself. That's hard to do, by the way, but he's sharing his life with you, so you deserve to share with him your struggles.
Tell him that it's been so hard for you. Tell him what it is that you genuinely want to do about your weight/health - and do it truly and honestly. If you're afraid, tell him. If you're discouraged, tell him. If you're depressed, tell him.
And most importantly: Ask him if he wants to support you in improving your life, physically and emotionally and spiritually, and tell him how he can do it best.

But what others have said about not relying on him is right - you have to do it for yourself, since you're the only one who CAN do it. Take his comment in stride, and reflect upon yourself and your own feelings.

That's what I did. Once I'd lost a few pounds, I started feeling amazing about myself. I realized that I was sad about myself, and what I'd done, which was at my own hand. And I realized how much it had hurt my husband, who only watched as it happened, and couldn't do anything about it - just try to encourage me to stop and treat myself better.

Southlake, well put!

As so often is the case, someone (and not for the first time, EZMONEY) has found a way to say in a few lines what took me dozens.


And I so agree with Sakurai as well. There are a lot of things we shouldn't do or say in a loving relationship, and most of us do them anyway. Not because we're cruel b*******, but because we're human beings and sometimes in trying to express our thoughts and especially our emotions, we stick our foot in our mouths and say something insensitive, if not downright cruel.

Sure we can choose self-righteous indignation when it happens to us, but are we happy when someone holds a grudge against us for something we said and regretted - or do we think "Geez, it was a mistake, I didn't mean it the way it came out, I said I'm sorry, what more can I do?" (and aren't we likely then to dredge up in our minds all the things they did against us in the past, and feel they're being unfair and hypocritical).

We cannot expect forgiveness from others for our mistakes, if we hold grudges against those who make mistakes against us.

And even worse, ill-thought out words are often contagious. You can learn to not respond in kind, but the natural response to rude or insensitive words are more insensitive words.

There is no way to say from the outside of OP's situation "who started it" or who in the relationship says the worst things (I know when I'm mad at my husband, I tell people all the horrible things he did and said to me, I tend to leave out the details regarding what I said and did to him even if my words "started it.")

Who started it isn't really the point. If this is typical behavior (on either part) that crosses into verbal abuse. And I know a lot of couples who are extremely verbally abusive to each other, and usually both spouses forget what they said and did, but have long memories of what the other partner said and did.

Even for myself, I can remember more of the ills done against me, than the times I've hurt others. I'd like to think that people have done more harm to me than I've done to others - but I suspect that's just human vanity. I want to see myself as a good person, so I choose to, but if I want others to see me as a good person I have to try to make amends and ask forgiveness when I hurt others, and I need to forgive others when they hurt me.

Forgiveness is what makes it work (and I don't mean just marriages, I mean society).

Truth be told, I'm not a good person and neither is me husband. We're not bad people, either. We're just people, doing the best we can. We mess up a lot, and if we didn't forgive each other, if we didn't forgive our friends and family, and they didn't forgive us, we'd be very lonely people.

Without forgiveness, two-way forgiveness, there's not a single person on the planet who wouldn't be entirely alone.

And for a lot of men, it IS fat that turns them off. More than less, I would say. Not accusing, since I'm overweight myself.

I've heard this a lot from women, about how their partner has hurt them by telling them in some way that they're not happy about their partner's weight gain. But men are also hurt and impacted by the woman's downward spiral - it's not a one-way street - but I would say it's more of a long-term sadness. Sometimes women act like they're the only ones affected by all this. They've also hurt the men they care about (at least in this situation). I agree with the other poster that she asked his opinion about her weight, and he gave it. Did she want him to lie and tell her only what she wanted to hear?