Too fat to make love...
 

Tonite i sat in my room heartbroken after the pause of silence that came from a comment that i never thought i would hear my fiancee say to me..
"Have you ever thought that maybe your too fat and too big for me ..and so its hard to have sex with you!"....

I couldnt believe what i had just heard. There is no denying that since meeting him i have ballooned another 50 pounds bigger than what i was when i first met him. I was well aware that i am "Fat" and i was well aware that are relationship lately was becomming rather..lacking..in the love area.. I had asked him earlier this week if we werent as sexually active because i was too fat or he wasnt attracted to me to which his response was "no..." But tonite when i heard that i was too fat and too big...it hurt like none other.. I had never in my life had ever been too big for a guy to sleep with me or be with me.. and alll of the sudden i hear it out of the mouth of my fiancee..the one person that i thought would always accept and love me..

His words of being too fat came with a pause..and then a speech that went like this: " Dont you think it kills me everytime you stuff food in your body which is making you unhealthier..to the point where you could die?"...

My response wanted to be : "Well maybe i wouldnt stuff my face all the time if i wasnt so unhappy.."

Cause my thing is "Feel unhappy..eat...feel stressed...eat" And guess what? Lack of sexual intimacy and lack of love in your life can cause unhappiness...

Im not throwing myself a pity party..and im not saying he is wrong in saying what he did..and im not denying that i need to lose weight or get healthy... i know that i do..and i know that its a life or death thing for me..

I guess it was the kind of slap in the face that had a huge shock factor..and i guess im still trying to take it in..im trying not to be hurt by what he said..but maybe it was the stark reality..that says its time to do something now..

Thoughts?

I'm going to be a litt harsh, but when you asked him if your weight was a factor in your lack of sex life, you cannot be mad at him for answering you with the truth.

um lack of sex didn't make you fat hun

if you want to say that you're fat because you're unhappy, that's a really unfortunate cycle you're going to be stuck in -- because from the sounds of it, you're also unhappy because you're fat.

you need to be the person to pull yourself out of it. he's voiced his opinion on it -- you wanted to know and he answered. the question is just whether or not you're willing to do something about it.

it's hard to hear, but at least take comfort in the fact that if you want to change the situation you're in, you can. diet and exercise is one of the only things that you can have 100% control over.

Are you receiving any professional help for depression/postpartum depression?

I wouldn't put energy into trying to be hurt by what's said - you WILL be hurt by it. That's a given. The question is now, where do you go from here? I think to change the outside we must always work on the inside. If you are struggling with PND (which I think I recall you saying once), you'll need to focus on that too. Good luck, I've been there, have my good & bad days (my boy is 13 months), but it's like a dark cloud on your life outlook.

I'm sorry you're hurt; I can imagine how such a thing would crush me. :hug:

At this point, I think you need to stop involving him in your weight loss. He has the right to his own feelings, but he doesn't have the right to know how much weight you've lost, how you're losing it, how you feel about your losing it, whether your current meal is on-plan or not. Treat those things as personal--I mean really personal, and if he wants to continue to offer advice and opinions, tell him the subject is off limits. And mean it.

It's tempting for me to want to bash a guy who says something like this, but...well, our partners do get affected by our weight. They do have a right to their own feelings as painful as the outcome of them may be. It's one reason why I never asked my husband if my weight was an issue for him; I feared the answer, even though he never gave me cause to worry.

So make the subject verboten in your household. His feelings hurt you too much for you to hear them without feeling pain and probably at least a little righteous anger. Your weight loss efforts apparently cause him distress if it's "killing him" to be involved with your dietary habits.

You know you need to do this for you--you and your daughter--not for the rest of the world, not even for him. I read a lot of your posts and you have such a sense of urgency, of needing the weight off quickly and drastically, but I wonder if you're feeling so much pressure because of yourself or because of external things like your relationship? If that's so, then honey, let me tell you, going at your own pace instead of meeting someone else's deadline will save you SO much agony. I've lost 45 pounds in 7 months--not blazing speed there, not at all--but it's cost me nothing and it's stayed off with ease. Try the slower, steadier way and love yourself to health instead of trying to punish yourself thin.

I'm sorry to hear you're unhappy, but is a lack of intimacy the cause of it? Or is it a symptom? It's easy to blame relationship woes--"Fine, he doesn't want to play, I'll just eat another slice of pizza because there's no use trying to get fitter for him"--but sometimes it takes more effort thinking about why there's unhappiness in your life or why you're struggling on your diet.

I think you know it's time to do something. You've been posting here almost as long as I have, and your posts are fraught with a kind of white-knuckled tension about how difficult you're finding things. People can't sustain that kind of tension in their lives without something breaking, and in your case it's been your diet. Honestly, I think you push yourself too hard; you might struggle so much with your eating because you're trying to eat food that wouldn't sustain me and I'm twice your age and almost a foot shorter than you. I'd feel a constant sense of doom and panic if I felt I had to eat crap and lose on a deadline.

Please don't do that to yourself--and don't let anyone else do it to you either. Make your diet about YOU, and he'll come around. For a lot of men--I mean a LOT--it isn't fat that turns them off, it's the way in which some of us react to it: obsessing about it and hating it and not letting them see or touch us and agonizing over the food we eat or the food we don't.

I hope you feel better soon and that he apologizes for hurting you. No one has to apologize for his feelings, but he should apologize for causing you pain.

That is SO insightful Nola.... and I think this ^^^ is a very good insight.

I'm sorry your guy hurt your feelings, but sometimes these kinds of comments are just the wake up call we need. Weight does effect the quality of sex, and it is difficult to maneuver around a large stomach...(I've been there, done that).

Just suck it up and get the weight off. It's not going to get better unless you do. In the meanwhile...know that lack of sex isn't why you are depressed, it's more than likely lack of excercise, and poor nutrition that is doing it. :hug:

With no offense intended, this poster has it wrong.

I completely understand what it means to suffer from depression that is not caused by weight gain, which in turn makes you WAY more susceptible to gaining weight. There are many of us out there who turn to food because we are sad, and emotional eating is definitely a terrible but real way to lead to being overweight. Of course after the weight is gained, you are also unhappy because you are heavier, but the cycle that you REALLY need to break is your self depreciation. You're beautiful right now... unhealthy? Yes. But still beautiful. If he isn't wanting to have sex purely because of your size then he needs to GO. If he isn't wanting to have sex because of how you treat yourself, then you should re-evaluate the way you're looking at yourself. But you're on the road to losing weight... if he can't handle you at your "worst", he doesn't deserve you at your "best".

When it comes to sex you can't blame a man (or a woman as a matter of fact) for wanting a healthier partner.
Sex is after all a lot about physical attraction and games. Of course there is emotion, bonding and love, but that exists also when you're making tea or walking with him. During sex, weight is just a lot more hindering and important.
I know some men actually like it more if their partner is not of an ideal weight, but like with so many other things there is a limmit. After a point contact is harder, sweating is more, the form isn't feminine, washing gets harder, being the active partner gets nigh impossible... so many things.
If you are at that point you should actually apologize to yourself for making your sex life so much harder and less pleasant than it should/can be, not be angry at him for pointing out a truth you asked to hear.
Even if he said "everything is ok..." you probably would not have believed him right?
I know it is painful and embarassing and plain hard, but that is all because of excess food and fat, not because of an honest fiance.
So turn that frustration towards your REAL enemy and problem, which is overeating.

Food is not what comforts you when fat causes you trouble, food is what caused your problem in the first place.

I wish you all the best on your weight loss! You can do it :D Let those night of passion return

I completely agree!

Totally agree!


About 2yrs ago I wrote a very similar post to yours. Our love life was really suffering because of my weight. My husband had had enough of me not being me because I hated myself. Our love life was uncomfortable for both of us due to my weight. I was completely devastated, humiliated, and ashamed. I couldn't believe I had let myself go SO much and never once thought about how it would affect anyone else. I thought it was a wake up call but here I am, still fat. Losing and gaining back those same 40lbs, all the while remembering our conversation that night. I was trying to lose weight while suffering from depression which is really hard. I wasn't dealing with the issues I was having which made me turn back to food for comfort.

Finally, as of May 2011 I have myself on track. I feel a lot better when it comes to my depression. I am no where near "fixed" but I have made some changes recently that I feel have bettered my situation. I still stumble and make mistakes. I still sometimes even turn to food for comfort. I may even binge. But every day I remind myself that I don't have a choice when it comes to losing weight. My children need their mother. My husband needs his wife. And I can not be who I need to be if I don't lose this weight and love myself again. :hug:

You asked the question and you got the answer.

Miserable though you feel hearing the truth, let it be the wake-up call that motivates you to do something serious about your weight. It must have been very hard for your fiancee to tell you that--now you can do something about the information you asked for.

He does not need to apologize for causing you pain. He was honest with you and your reaction is your problem, not his.

I may sound harsh here but this is a situation that you can do something about. You have a child and a sweetheart, both of whom need you to be emotionally and physically healthy for a long and rewarding life together. If you need external support, this forum is a great place to find it, and your doctor may be able to point you to resources in your community to help you in person.

Again, remember that you were the person who asked the question.






I wish you all

Sometimes men are easily misunderstood--what he said probably felt cruel and horrible, but you know what would have been worse? If he left you, or cheated on you, because he was not attracted. He respects you as a human being and at least cares for you enough to also point out the health aspect of it. He cares about your relationship, otherwise he wouldn't have said anything!

I am going to disagree with the above posters a little. People who love us do not say cruel, hurtful things to us. If he had said "I love you the way you are but am concerned for your health, how can I help you?" Barbs rarely help us they only cause resenment and hard feelings.

:hug:
ouch. no matter if your guy was in the right or wrong, you must have felt terrible hearing that, just wanted to send some love your way x

That is a really hard thing to hear.

It actually sounds like he cares about you and is very concerned for your health and happiness, though. Sort of like if you were watching him with a gambling or alcohol problem... you have to say something. The way he framed it sounds like concern, not vanity.

You can break the habit/cycle by doing something *different* when you are unhappy. Find other ways to cope. It is hard but you can do it!

Nola Celeste has a very thoughtful and, I think, spot on post. You might want to go back, read it again, and let it sink in.

I discussed this post with my husband looking for some insight, and he said almost exactly what she did. His words: I don't know that lack of sex was the cause of unhappiness to start with.

If you're not getting the kind of support you need from your husband, then don't involve him in this part of your life. As sad and frustrating as that may be, not every human we love is "best" for every part of our life. He doesn't seem to be able to provide what you need in this area of your life. Look elsewhere.

Did you ask him a question that you wanted an honest answer to? Or did you want to hear something and asked -hoping- to hear a specific answer?

I'm very sorry that what he said hurt you. It would hurt me, too, if someone said it. I'm not sure how much comfort this will be, but his second comment makes me think that he does truly care about your health and well-being. That it's not just about the weight, but about how you're caring for yourself.

This is a really wonderful opportunity for you and your fiance in a few different ways!!

You were brave enough to basically ask for help by asking a question that you knew was likely true, but that you also knew would be incredibly hard to hear the answer to. Your fiance is also brave for coming back to you with the truth. He wants to help.

Opportunity is 2 fold here :)

1) You can use this as an opportunity to change your lives as a healthy couple. Suggest you need support, and that the best way is through everyday living: cook together, walk together after dinner, bike on the weekends, create some sort of fitness based competition with non-food prizes?! Get creative, but do it together. This embeds support, but doesnt focus on the weight loss -- it focuses on a healthy life for you both.

2) Talk. Your fiance obviously could have chosen his words to be considerably more sensitive and offered direct help. If you can acknowledge you appreciate his bravery, honesty and express your ongoing desire to work to change I bet he will acknowledge he should have been more sensitive. Working thru this problem effectively can foster better communication, increased trust/honesty/intimacy.

Dont worry about the sex right this second. Worry about your health and confidence. If you dont feel attractive, it is not realistic to expect others to feel attracted to you. Work on how YOU feel.

I think you needed to hear the truth out loud, even though you already knew it, so that you could face the full truth of your present reality. Your fiance didnt betray you and he didnt run away. I think he loves you deeply and was very insensitive on a subject he probably has zero experience discussing. *hugs*

You asked and her told you, not what you wanted to hear but what he truly felt. Eating for emotional reasons is eating for no reason. Food is fuel for you body and that is it. Some men seek out fat women and some look for thin, we aren't all the same. You can dump him and find someone else or you can do something about your weight. Let me tell you, I was 356 when I saw the light and I'm so much happier and feel so much better thin.

saying that your weight gain doesn't come from depression or vice versa and then saying your depression comes from self deprecation doesn't make a whole lot of sense. i don't know anything about this person other than what she just posted, which is why i said it sounds like her image is causing her to become even more depressed which in turn causes her to eat more, which is exactly what you just said. i'm not sure where i'm wrong or where you actually disagreed with me other than some semantics related issue.

my point is that self deprecation stems from somewhere -- luckily, when you're overweight, if you don't like the way you look, you can do something about it. my only intention was to encourage the OP by telling her that she can do something about this and that those feelings of hopelessness are purely mental.

I've been reading your posts here for a while. I'm going to go gently on a limb and say that I think you put a lot of pressure on your fiancee's plate to be your emotional picker upper everything guy.

You asked a question. And he told you his truth. NO, it isn't that he's not attracted to you. He IS attracted to you. But it "kills him everytime you stuff food in your body which is making you unhealthier..to the point where you could die."

Clearly your weight/body image/emotional eating are a burden on this relationship.

He's worried, but can't seem to talk about this with you without it turning into a thing. So it sounds like he's just as stuck as you. Because he can't magically disappear it either.

I'd suggest counseling. Maybe with the help of a third party you guys can have the health conversation that needs to be had?

GL!
A.

Remember that intimacy isn't limited to intercourse. Until you make changes that make that more comfortable, there are still things you can do as a couple to keep the spark going.

first of all.. :hug: i don't care what anyone else says that was a jerk thing to say. there are many ways to express his feelings about your weight to you without being an *** about it. i had a very similar experience with my fiance. we had been fussing at each other for a while (not over my weight just in general) and one morning he says "maybe the reason we are having problems is because im not attracted to you because of your weight". my response was to turn side ways in the bed, put my feet in his back and shove his butt right out the bed! reality set back in when he hit the floor.. no matter what weight i gained with the baby, you will not disrespect me, you will not be cruel. i can lose 250lbs real fast by putting him out the door. mama, you are beautiful, no matter your weight, because you are a beautiful soul. you know what you need to do about your weight and you will do it your way in your own time and if he loves you he will be supportive and helpful. thats what my fiance did, hitting that floor made him realize that me being heavier, didn't change who i was or how he was going to treat me. you walk with that head up and you do this for you and he will either be a good man and walk beside you or he can walk without u. lots of love!
mickey
ps i don't care if u did ask the question, he could have had better tact than that! point blank period!

Mickey79 - AGREED!

I am torn as to what to say. Because sometimes we need tough loving. My mum and I had a huge row when she said the same thing to me (Don't you think it kills me every time you stuff food in your body which is making you unhealthier..to the point where you could die?). But at the same time, I need to hear that.

I suffer from depression too. I almost started cutting last year, and I also started having suicidal thoughts again. But right now, I am happier than I have been in years. I live all alone. My parents live halfway across the world and I don't have a partner or many friends. And trust me, a nagging relationship can be so much better than no relationship.

My point is that, sure I hurt a lot. But sometimes we need to take stock of the people in our lives. How our actions can hurt them.

I recently lost my grandmother who has been extremely ill for years. She was 60. She tried to live a healthy life after she had been diagnosed with all her illnesses, but she was struggling to stay alive. After she passed, my entire family turned to me and said. "You need to do something because I don't think we can lose someone else like this. You are young and can change it, you may not be able to prevent getting the illnesses because it is in your blood, but maybe you can increase your lifespan."

I might think of death, but I don't want to die most of the time. I have so many things to do. So much love to give. I can't cut that short.

You have someone who loves you a lot. He loves you enough to never say anything unless you ask. But you need to take what he says with a grain of salt, especially if you eat your emotions. Because trust me when I say, that sometimes our eating habits can hurt our loved ones more.

I am not condoning what he said in anyway. I hate when my loved ones talk about my weight or force me into those discussions, but that is also because I never ask them for input- they do it themselves. But I understand how you feel and how it may have angered you.

But I also know that when my parents eat sugary things, my heart is in my throat because they are both diabetic and sugar can kill them- especially since my mum's blood sugar levels are completely out of control. But until I do something about my own health I have no right to say anything to them. But I know exactly how your boyfriend probably feels too.

I have to agree with astrophe.

I too am familiar with your posts and might suggest that your fiance is under enormous pressure to bear YOUR personal happiness. One person cannot do that.

terrific post. I'm on the side that he fumbled that play. that doesn't mean he's evil or hates you, he just vented his fears and frustrations in not the best way (at all) to suit the situation. I agree as much as you can seize this opportunity to change things for the better for you and him. I'd even tell him, look, it's not going to be easy for me to forget how you put that to me, since I found it pretty hurtful, but let's make a plan to move forward.

sex has a big mental component. yeah, it might be more fun if you're both acrobats, in perfect shape and completely turned on by each other. plenty of people of all sizes have satisfying sex lives (and plenty in shape people may be completely frustrated).

what somebody says, and what they really mean to say is a mixed bag, so it can be counterproductive to label what he said as "the truth," more like there's some truths mixed in there. I'd imagine there's a bunch of stuff going on, some of it not even related to weight.

I know it's difficult, esp if you're already feeling down, but I hope you take the road not to use this stuff your bf said to beat yourself up with. Good luck!!!

Mickey79sf

Amen girl! I'm right there with you. Your post is inspirational and everything the original poster needed to see. U r awesome.


Wow. Some of you other people have got it all wrong. This man is not just some random guy on the street. This is her fiancee. Someone she has to live with and be married to. Tough love, my @$$. You don't even know her. Or him. She's looking for support, not "well you asked, and it may not have been what you wanted to hear...". you think she doesn't know that?!


Porthardygurl
Honey, you are a strong and special person. If my husband ever said anything like that to me, whether i asked or not, you had better believe there would be consequences. It's the love that keeps you from hurting each other. If he is concerned about your weight, he could have put it differently. If your stomach is too big, try a new position. There are ways around it, and yall can have fun trying. :D You're working on bettering your health, and that's what's important. Don't listen to some of these posts. They shouldn't have even said anything.

I think it's great that you two had that discussion. I think it shows love, bravery and trust from both of you. You were brave to ask, he was brave to say what he knew you didn't want to hear. If he didn't love you, it would have been easier to dodge the question or walk away... I do also agree that maybe he didn't do the best job of communicating gently, but overall it sounds to me like this was a GOOD thing even though it hurt like a *******.

I applaud the suggestion for counseling. In my experience it can be a great thing as individuals and as a couple. It doesn't have to be *therapy* as much as another opportunity to learn more about yourself, each other, and that's always a good thing, right? :-)

This is true. He could have walked away instead of telling you how he felt. I had the same thing happen to me. My guy told me my weight embarrassed him and I did nothing about it. In fact I got even bigger and he did walk away. I wanted to marry this guy but now he is married and has kids with someone else. Someone a lot fitter and healthier then me.

If I could go back in time and actually LISTEN to what he said instead of getting all mad at him I might have seen his comment for what it truly was and done something about my excess weight at the time instead of regretting my non-actions now.

Oh, God. I laughed for a year.

I'm very blessed with a partner who's never anything but completely respectful and supportive of my efforts, and has even made lifestyle changes to accomodate me.

I think if my partner were to say what OP's fiancee said to her, he'd mean it and I'd be able to take it as genuine concern for my health. It's very possible that OP is being oversensitive AND he is being less than respectful.

I'm in line with Nola Celeste's post and recommendations.

It's very easy to take someone's words out of context, especially when we hear only one side of the story. We don't know what you say to him and how you say it. I'm not accusing you of provoking him, or assuming that you say equally inapropriate things to him, or any of that. I'm just saying that without hearing both sides, we have to guess and make assumptions and try to take possible biases into account. Maybe he's a jerk. Maybe you're a jerk. Maybe both or either of you hurt each other a lot. I don't know enough about your situation to even guess at which of those may or may not be true.

Although I have a masters degree in psychology, I've never been a marriage or relationship counselor, but I've been in a position to mediate conflicts when I was a probation officer and in other areas of social work. And often the two sides of a story don't match up. Both people believe they're telling the "whole truth," but they only see the situation from their own side (and it's impossible to see it from another person's side even when we try).

I know in my own relationship, there have been times that If I were to tell other people what my husband said, they would say "dump him, he's a son of a b****." And likewise my husband could tell his friends what I said in the same argument and they would tell him "dump her, she's a *****."

I don't think what he said is nearly as important as what you've said. If your fiance treats you in a way that you cannot be happy with, maybe you do need to leave him. Notice though I didn't say "in a way that makes you unhappy." Because no one can make you happy. It isn't possible. Happiness is a choice you make for yourself. Sure there are situations that are not conducive to that choice, and you've got to decide what to do about it. If he can't be someone you can be happy with, you've got to take that understanding and do something about it. Whether that's leaving, couples counseling, or something else, I can't say. Your life, your choice.

But assigning someone the task and responsibility of making you happy isn't going to work. It can't, because your fiance has virtually no control over your happiness (he has a little bit of input, but ultimately it's your responsibility, not his).

Depression does make happiness difficult, so make sure that you're getting help for the depression. Medications can be very helpful, but it still takes serious mental work. It still takes recognizing that you have a choice in the matter.

You have made comments that suggest you have a tendency to blame the situation or other people for what is happening inside your head. I understand that. I grew up in a household with parents and grandparents who blamed others for their sitation. When they were unhappy, it was always someone else's fault. Sometimes they lay the blame at us kids - if we were better behaved their lives wouldn't be so miserable.

Even as a kid, I suspected that they were choosing to be unhappy or at the very least it wasn't really anyone's fault - because no matter how hard I tried to make them happy, it rarely worked. When I did feel like I succeeded in making them happy, it never lasted nearly as long as the misery.

Living in that did shape my experiences and my own personality. I do sometimes tend to blame my husband for my own choices. He was raised in a similar household, so he does the same thing. We're both people pleasers by nature. Hubby's a white knight who wants to solve everyone's problems. I tend to put everyone's needs before my own, and then resent them all for not appreciating it or returning the favor (and I keep my resentment to myself until it boils over).

But in the light of day. When I'm being reasonable me, I realize that only I can make me do things, including being happy. I have to know myself enough to choose happiness.

Choosing happiness can mean removing someone from your life, but what it almost never means is changing someone. People can change, but usually the changes are subtle not complete personality-transplants. I've changed tremendously, but it's all been a lot of work, and I still have to fight the impulse to blame others (just because my auto-pilot reflects the environment I was raised in. When I'm thinking I know this, but when I'm reacting, I forget).

I think your relationship with your fiancee needs work (by both of you), but so does your relationship with yourself.

I think counseling would help a lot (and not because I think you're crazy). I think most people would benefit from having gone through some kind of counseling. It's nice just having an objective ear who you know isn't going to gossip about you all over town or make the conversation all about him/her - someone who's heard it all before and isn't going to judge you, because he or she has seen and heard a lot worse.

I know counseling isn't always feasible, but if it's possible, I think you would find it helpful.

There is a couple of things that are bugging me about some of these post. 1. is that the op is being to sensitive.. really!! there is not one woman out there who if she were trying to snuggle up to her man and he said something like this, you know you would feel the same way. hurt to the bone. 2. that she is expecting to much from her fiance in terms of making her happy.. what the h3ll is he suppose to be there for! thats his job! just like its her job to make him happy and bring joy and support into his life. i understand that her weight may have been bothering him but you don't motivate someone with humiliation, embarresment or pain. if she is depressed, its her mans job to come to her and ask whats wrong how can he help, ride the storm out with her. 3. when a man loves you, they just love you, fat, skinny, extra toe. don't matter. if his comment had been soley about wanting you to lose weight for your health, i'd be right there with him. but when he threw the sex thing in it, he took a left turn. just my two cents :)

Too fat to have sex? I hope I'm not saying the wrong thing here, but I... er... I've seen things... And, nobody is too fat or too skinny for sex... Nobody. :)

I think he genuinely cares about you, but it came out the wrong way. People we love and people who love us say hurtful things sometimes. That's just the reality of relationships. :)

Yep, Yep, Yep, Yep and Yep.

I think you've had some great advice here. Particularly from Nola Celeste and Kaplods.

On the lighter side, did you think about suggesting that perhaps it's not that your body is too big, but that his penis is too small for you guys to have sex comfortably? :cool:

If my husband told me it was my job to make him happy, I would tell him "if that's true, I quit."

I like doing nice things for him, and he likes doing nice things for me, but being responsible for each other's happiness, that's too big a job for any person. Especially when the expectation of mindreading comes into play.

If you're going to argue that we're obligated to do what makes our partner's happy, then I guess the OP would be obligated to make her husband happy by losing the weight (or are only men obligated to provide happiness to their partners).

I was raised in a family in which it was expected for the men to make the women happy (and sadly not the reverse), and unfortunately nothing the men did ever made the women happy.

In my extended family, there are families in which the reverse was true. The women were expected to make the men happy, and the men didn't have the same responsibility - and sadly the same was true that no effort on the part of the happiness provider was ever "enough."

No, I don't think that men or women are obligated to "make" their partner happy, because I don't think it's possible. Happiness is more often a choice you make, not a gift that anyone can give to you. Sure good relationships are built on both making the effort to make life better for their partner, but no one can "make" you happy, without your cooperation. If you're determined to be unhappy, nothing anyone can do will ever be good enough.

There's no doubt that OP's fiance said something hurtful, but is it worse than things she's said to him? There's no way to know that, so I give advice based on the premise that anything could be true. The fiance could be an A1 butthole and OP could be a saint. Or she could be a mean, horrible nag and he could be the mostly innocent victim. Or (and the most likely) they're both imperfect human beings who have said horrible things in the heat of anger, or just because they're human and didn't realize how they would sound.

You can't judge anyone by one statement, even if it's a super horrible one, especially when you haven't heard both sides of the conversation, from both sides.

Well you can of course, but it's likely to be a false judgement.

it is my job to try and make my man happy in whatever lil ways i can and its his job to do the same for me. it shows him i appreciate him and vice versa. thats just the kind of woman i happen to be. i disagree with your post.. but thats the beauty of america. we can agree to disagree. happy forth!
mickey

What a horrible thing to have to go through. I can only imagine the devastation that you feel.
But I say try not to dwell on it. The guy lacks diplomacy I will say that, but it sounds like he is frustrated as well. You sound so sad honey. And I mean sad in general, not just about the comment he made.
If you're suffering from depression then you really HAVE to get some professional help, because depression doesn't just go away. You can lose 100 pounds and still feel just as down.
You have lost some weight, so you can definitely do it! But you have to work on the inside at the same time.
You have been given some great advice by the people who have responded before me & I hope that you have found some solace in their words.
It'll get better, it will, but you have to work at it.
Feel better hun.

I could never see making my husband happy as my job. I prefer to look at it as something I choose to do--a little (or sometimes big) gift I'm giving him of my own free will. When I make him his favorite dish or watch the show he likes or do his laundry for him as a little surprise, it's not because I feel a sense of obligation, but because I love to see him smile. He does the same for me.

I suspect that we're all talking about the same thing, though; some of us say "job" and "duty" while others say "choice" and "gift," but what it all boils down to is that happy relationships require some give and take. We can't say what PHG's overall relationship is like; we don't know who's doing more giving and who's doing more taking.

What we DO know, by her own admission, is that her weight is causing relationship strife. I think the advice to seek counseling is very sound. That may shed some light on things regardless of who has done what and to whom.

Another issue here, which I think is really important, is the possibility of clinical depression. When you're clinically depressed, choosing happiness is beyond your control, and beyond anyone elses either. If you can't make yourself happy, no one else is going to be able to do it for you.

And that's my problem with assigning the task of my happiness to anyone else. No one can make me happy if I'm unable to choose happiness for myself. My husband could buy me everything I ever dreamed of wanting, he could do every thing for me I could ever imagine, and I still won't be happy if my brain chemistry is off because of clinical depression, or if I do not choose happiness. He can help me be happy, and I can help him be happy, but we can't MAKE each other happy. Happiness is something you have to choose and allow to happen - and when clinical depression is going on, that choice is taken away from you by biochemistry. Counseling will help determine whether OP's unhappiness is because she's living in a toxic relationship, or whether her biochemistry is preventing her from being happy.

My mother was an unhappy woman for most of her life - she blamed my father - her parents - her kids - unfriendly neighbors - everyone outside of herself for her unhappiness. Everyone tried to make her happy, and failed. Eventually everyone (including my father who loves her dearly) stopped trying, because they never were successful.

I begged her to consider an antidepressant, if not counseling (both to her meant she was crazy). For 25 years she refused, and for more than 40 years she was miserable. Then my youngest sister (the only person in the family my mother admires, even a little bit) went to counseling and was prescribed an antidepressant. The change in my sister's happiness inspired my mother to finally talk to her doctor about medications and counseling. She hasn't yet sought counseling (and I may never convince her to), but the change in her mood and outlook at life since she's been on medication has dramatically changed for the better (to the point she seems like a woman I've never met, certainly not my mother). She's feeling better and has more interest in life and has stopped seeing her life as being ruined by everyone around her. The medication has opened her heart to the possibility of happiness.

I don't know that this is OP's situation, and whether it is or isn't, counseling is the best way to find out. If OP's fiance is a super toxic jacka**, able to singlehandedly ruin almost anyone's life, then counseling is going to bring that out too.

The point isn't who is to blame (that doesn't usually help the situation, even when there clearly is a person to blame), it's finding a way to get a decent quality of life for the both of you. Hopefully that's together, but if it's not, better to find that out too.