Ok so i need to clear a few things up here..to help give some insight to those with questions or thoughts..

1) Whoever said it had to do with him having a small penis...um..thats wrong..its got nothing to do with his penis being too small.

2) For those who have a deep pyscological point of view and say we should do counselling---we are..we go once a week.

3) For those who say i have depression or "clinical depression"...I saw a therapist--he doesnt believe so..so why should i think i do?

4) For those who knew me to have Post Partum Depression..yes i suffered from it..treated it with anti-depressents and no longer take them anymore because ive finally been cleared to stop taking them.

5) For those who say "Well..you asked him..." You obviously need to read my post again... I said " I asked him one time" and that was A FEW MONTHS AGO... I clearly asked him if my weight was causing an attraction issue or causing any challenges in our relationship to which he said NO...! When he told me just the other day that I was too big to make love and too fat..I DID NOT ASK HIM FOR HIS OPINION OR ASK ANY LEADING QUESTIONS REGARDING SEX CHALLENGES. I merely asked him why it was that we werent having sex as often.. He is aware just as i am aware that i am trying really hard to work on my weight problem...I am actively seeking help for it and ive just started..its not like its been a week yet so how can i lose 100 pounds in a week.. i cant.. Which means that yes.. i am big..and yes im bigger than i was when he first met me..

To those of you who said "it must have hurt"...yah..its caused a lot of pain for me to hear what he said.. To the point now..where i wont let him touch me and i wont let him see me naked and i wont even eat in front of him.. I feel as if i have lost the feelings of acceptance that i once had from him. I feel like i have lost my security and i feel like i have lost the feeling of being loved by him for who i am as a person. I feel scrutinized by him now and i feel like im not good enough..And this has hurt me to the point where i cant think of even being intimate with him right now because all i can think of is 1) What if in his head he is thinking "eww grose an ugly fat person" and 2) How do i protect myself so he cant hurt me again the way he has..cause it was emtionally damaging for me..Ive dealt with many many people being horribly mean to me growing up and i have had many people judge me and i suffered from eating disorders when i was younger for years and for the man that i love with all my heart to turn around and say what he said...it hurt more than many of the things i have heard..and i say it hurts more..because i love him more than i have ever loved another and my trust was placed in him..

So yes.. he was insensetive beyond words..and yes he said something hurtful and to date..he has said sorry and has apologized to me profusly because he claims he did not mean to say it how it came out..But for me..even though i forgive him..the hurt is still there..and i think its going to take time to get through this..because for me..its like being re-traumatized all over again from when i was younger..And its going to take to trust him again..because a few months ago..he lied and said that my weight wasnt the issue..and now he claims it is..so there is a trust issue..and im honestly not sure when im going to feel comfortable making love again..because how do i let go of what he said when im in that position of trying to be intimate? So..thats where im at right now..Im trying to recover from it...

To all those who have given your support and your empathy..thank you..and for those who tell me to toughen up...well..i will take that advice too..when i can deal with the hurt ..

First :hug: and second im glad to hear from you again. :D i think you know how i feel about the situation lol if you need some one to talk to pm me and we can exchange numbers if you like.. we r both kinda sitting in the same boat. both with baby girls and fiances :) im here for you.
Mickey

PHG, nice to see you back. Hope you have been doing better these past few days. I think your fiance is probably a good person, but from what you write above, I see some contradiction.

If he tells you the truth, you are angry. If he doesn't tell you the truth, he's a liar and you can't trust him. I think he is backed into a corner and nothing that he can say or do is right.

Is there anything he can say or do in that situation that is right? Because I'm not sure he can.

Man, my guy has said terrible things to me, and Ive said even worse things to him. Then we go to separate rooms, think things over, and talk to each other about what we said and how can we resolve the issue at hand. I have felt horrible about things I've said. But we both know we love each other and we both understand that our relationship is something that we are committd to and have to work at all the time. Relationships are not like rowboat rides on a quite lake -sometimes they are like riding a dingy in a stormy sea. You've got to hang on tight. I'm glad you're both in counseling.

When Jim and I argue, sometimes I think that's it, I'm done, I'm out of here. But then I calm down and think things thru. I'd be miserable without this guy. Because even though we argue, we care for each other deeply. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong. Sometimes I apologize and sometimes its him.

Your guy has apologized and acknowledged he was insensitive. I don't think he lied to you a few weeks ago when he said no when you asked the question - he probably didn't want to hurt your feelings. But apparently it was on his mind. You guys have to keep talking. Be calm and be honest with him. Does he do anything to try to help you on your program? Have you asked him for help? You feel betrayed by him -- does he feel betrayed by you? Not talking about it, not eating in front of him, not wanting to be intimate -- that will definitely lead to more problems.

To be in a successful relationship both parties have to give and take. Look at the big picture, not this one incident. What are the good things; what are the bad things. Do the good outweigh the bad? Are you generally happy with each other? Don't believe that dumb saying "Love means never having to say you're sorry" .... Both parties eat crow sometimes -that's life.

I hope you both continue to work together and dont give up on each other!

Mary

Glad you are back, Port. Also glad to hear you are already in counseling. Maybe at your next appt you can bring some of this stuff up?

I'm sorry you are hurting, but I am glad you already have another person on your team to help sort things out.

GL!
A.

not to beat this into the ground if you feel like you've shared enough about it...but a couple of thoughts. I think it's good you have the insight that part of your reaction is fueled by childhood experiences. Obviously you're sensitive (as most if not all of us are) about your weight and your SO's reaction to it. Saying that, you might consider that he probably is very unsure how to approach you about these issues -- and so it's may be less of a matter of his "lying" in that light. I think you might have to teach him to some extent the safe (meaning most productive in the context of your relationship) ways for him to talk to you about it.

good luck!!

I have stayed out of this conversation because I knew what I had to say would not be appreciated but I have been keeping up with it. Now I feel like I have to say what I think. I agree with everyone that says that you asked him and he was being honest. As far as the things you said in # 5 I have to disagree. First you say that you asked him months ago if your weight was a problem. I went back just now to be sure and in your first post you said that question was this week. Which I take to mean the same week the conversation came up in which he said those things.

Second I consider you asking him why you aren't having sex so often a leading question. If it is because of a weight issue then it only sounds like he answered the question honestly. Maybe he regretted not being honest the first time you aske him earlier in the week and was grateful for the chance to be honest withou having to bring it up himself.

It does sound like he cares about you and said those things because you asked him about his feelings.

I dont deny that he doesnt care for me cause i know he does and we did have a chance to talk some more last night. He said his expectation for me is that i would lose some weight..cause he notices it most around my mid-section.. and i said "well my expectation then, is that we have sex more often". I think its fair that if he can have an expectation for me to be healthy and lose weight then i think its just as fair for me to have an expectation to have a healthy sexual relationship.

For those of you who thought i was crazy for not wanting to ever have sex again..as part of trying to get past it..we did try last night..It was difficult and not without reservation.. We tried..and well..point blank..it sucked..cause i couldnt get out of my head what he said.. i just feel so self-conscious. But as of today.. im holding up my end of the agreement and am trying really hard to stay on plan and lose weight.

I remember your posts from the spring and I seem to remember you wanting to withhold sex from him? I'm glad to see you guys are in counseling.

In Feb you posted "So... ive been really frustrated and discouraged with my fiancee. Ive been wanting to buy a treadmill for a long time. He promised me that we could buy one after i was done being pregnant but he never ended up buying one. Then we coudnt buy one because we didnt have the money. Now he has an opportunity to get a loan from the bank to buy one and im willing to settle for one not as high quality as i wanted so that it can be lowered price..but he tells me just to save up for it..Well that would be nice except i clothe my daughters back and i buy some of the groceries oh and should i say that i only have about 200 something dollars a month because thats how much i get from the government while he goes to work and makes a good sum of money and yes he does work full time but i cant work full time because i have to stay home with are girl, so i rely on him to help me buy things that i want. So far..he has invested in a nice 2010 jeep patriot and a new electric fireplace which looks gorgeous and he's getting a new phone and then the next item will be a couple G's computer for himself becaue he broke his other one..But he wont help me buy a treadmill even though i offered to pay monthly installments so that its basically me paying it off 100$ a month at a time..But he wont..So i told him..No intimacy in the bedroom until i lose 5 pounds..And for every 5 pounds i lose, we can have a night in the bedroom together..Well right now, weight loss is about 2 pounds a week..so that means once every few weeks we can be intimate..He asked why i was doing this..and i said to him "Just so you can understand the desperation that i have about losing weight. You can feel that desperation and that need that i have for a treadmill in our house"..because we have a crappy gym up here and its too rainy to go walking and i cant run outside..Do you think its too harsh to give him a taste of his own medecine? Cause i feel like he doesnt see my need..His claim is that its a lot of money..and my thing is that its my health at stake and i rely on him to provide things for me and my daughter..and my health is more at stake than anything..."

That was me...sorry if I offended you. It was meant to be a lighthearted jab back at him.

Yes what he said was a bit harsh but you did ask! I think to you either way he would be in the dog house.

I understand needing to hear him support you and show it to you, that is understandable but if you are expecting that, best start expecting honesty.

You're best bet might be to not ask him about weight...or bring it up. Maybe ask him to go for walks with you and your daughter. Get him involved that way. But it's a personal journey and you can't expect him to know/understand it in the same way you do.

I agree with alot of the ladies who posted on here, take ownership of your weight and do it for you!

Also should a man love you through thick and thin? Yes, but expect him to find you attractive 100lbs over weight? No, no one should expect that. (just a general statement not directed at ANY one)

You've both used sex as a weapon and a means to control the other. You talked of giving your husband a taste of his own medicine by withholding something he wants (sex), because you wanted a treadmill that you and he probably can't afford (you've also talked about how tight your food budget is. I know you wanted the treadmill, but healthy, wholesome food needs to be a higher priority than exercise equipment or a fireplace for that matter). Perhaps a credit counselor would be as much help as a couple's counselor (and I don't mean that flippantly. Credit counseling helped my husband and I tremendously! It was too late to prevent a bankruptcy, but we're now in much better shape, even though our income is 1/3 what it was before the bankruptcy. We've learned to live on a lot less, moreso than I ever thought possible).

It kind of sounds like he may be trying to give you the same taste of the medicine you gave him over the treadmill. Which I suppose makes it your turn to strike back. But one of you has to be the first to call a truce, or you're going to keep poking at each other's soft spots, probably getting more and more vicious, fighting dirtier and dirtier, because these things tend to escalate if nothing changes for the better.

Neither of you deserve that.

Being a stay at home Mom involves a lot of sacrifices .... any possibility of you getting a part time job? It would be good for a few reasons -- get you out of the house and with others, which is a plus, and gives you some money that you can use. When I was younger (so many years ago :)) I found an excellent day-care for my daughter so I could work fulll-time. It was great for my daughter so she could be with other children to play with and learn with, and I could earn a living. My husband was disabled and could not work or babysit.

Keep talking to each other - and neither of you should use sex as a weapon (IMHO) -- nothing good will come of it. :(

Mary

I, too, have a husband who is very truthful. If i ask him something, he will def give me an honest answer... so i know how you feel, bc i have had the same issues as far as not feeling up to par so to speak in the intimate areas...
my advice to you: if you dont feel sexy, change it.
thats what i had to tell myself (my hubby tells me too when i complain about myself. altho he loves me how i am, i know. . .)

we're all here for you! :)

In my opinion

A) If you're not having sex now before you're married and sexual intimacy is important to one or both of you than I fail to see how the relationship can survive. Being married won't make anything easier. Maybe I am misunderstanding what you're saying ... I don't understand why you're not being intimate now with a person you're in love with enough to marry?

B) Many people who take action and change their lives do so because of one catalyzing moment. I suggest you use this moment to change yours.