Nola Celeste has a very thoughtful and, I think, spot on post. You might want to go back, read it again, and let it sink in.

I discussed this post with my husband looking for some insight, and he said almost exactly what she did. His words: I don't know that lack of sex was the cause of unhappiness to start with.

If you're not getting the kind of support you need from your husband, then don't involve him in this part of your life. As sad and frustrating as that may be, not every human we love is "best" for every part of our life. He doesn't seem to be able to provide what you need in this area of your life. Look elsewhere.

Did you ask him a question that you wanted an honest answer to? Or did you want to hear something and asked -hoping- to hear a specific answer?

I'm very sorry that what he said hurt you. It would hurt me, too, if someone said it. I'm not sure how much comfort this will be, but his second comment makes me think that he does truly care about your health and well-being. That it's not just about the weight, but about how you're caring for yourself.

This is a really wonderful opportunity for you and your fiance in a few different ways!!

You were brave enough to basically ask for help by asking a question that you knew was likely true, but that you also knew would be incredibly hard to hear the answer to. Your fiance is also brave for coming back to you with the truth. He wants to help.

Opportunity is 2 fold here :)

1) You can use this as an opportunity to change your lives as a healthy couple. Suggest you need support, and that the best way is through everyday living: cook together, walk together after dinner, bike on the weekends, create some sort of fitness based competition with non-food prizes?! Get creative, but do it together. This embeds support, but doesnt focus on the weight loss -- it focuses on a healthy life for you both.

2) Talk. Your fiance obviously could have chosen his words to be considerably more sensitive and offered direct help. If you can acknowledge you appreciate his bravery, honesty and express your ongoing desire to work to change I bet he will acknowledge he should have been more sensitive. Working thru this problem effectively can foster better communication, increased trust/honesty/intimacy.

Dont worry about the sex right this second. Worry about your health and confidence. If you dont feel attractive, it is not realistic to expect others to feel attracted to you. Work on how YOU feel.

I think you needed to hear the truth out loud, even though you already knew it, so that you could face the full truth of your present reality. Your fiance didnt betray you and he didnt run away. I think he loves you deeply and was very insensitive on a subject he probably has zero experience discussing. *hugs*

You asked and her told you, not what you wanted to hear but what he truly felt. Eating for emotional reasons is eating for no reason. Food is fuel for you body and that is it. Some men seek out fat women and some look for thin, we aren't all the same. You can dump him and find someone else or you can do something about your weight. Let me tell you, I was 356 when I saw the light and I'm so much happier and feel so much better thin.

saying that your weight gain doesn't come from depression or vice versa and then saying your depression comes from self deprecation doesn't make a whole lot of sense. i don't know anything about this person other than what she just posted, which is why i said it sounds like her image is causing her to become even more depressed which in turn causes her to eat more, which is exactly what you just said. i'm not sure where i'm wrong or where you actually disagreed with me other than some semantics related issue.

my point is that self deprecation stems from somewhere -- luckily, when you're overweight, if you don't like the way you look, you can do something about it. my only intention was to encourage the OP by telling her that she can do something about this and that those feelings of hopelessness are purely mental.

I've been reading your posts here for a while. I'm going to go gently on a limb and say that I think you put a lot of pressure on your fiancee's plate to be your emotional picker upper everything guy.

You asked a question. And he told you his truth. NO, it isn't that he's not attracted to you. He IS attracted to you. But it "kills him everytime you stuff food in your body which is making you unhealthier..to the point where you could die."

Clearly your weight/body image/emotional eating are a burden on this relationship.

He's worried, but can't seem to talk about this with you without it turning into a thing. So it sounds like he's just as stuck as you. Because he can't magically disappear it either.

I'd suggest counseling. Maybe with the help of a third party you guys can have the health conversation that needs to be had?

GL!
A.

Remember that intimacy isn't limited to intercourse. Until you make changes that make that more comfortable, there are still things you can do as a couple to keep the spark going.

first of all.. :hug: i don't care what anyone else says that was a jerk thing to say. there are many ways to express his feelings about your weight to you without being an *** about it. i had a very similar experience with my fiance. we had been fussing at each other for a while (not over my weight just in general) and one morning he says "maybe the reason we are having problems is because im not attracted to you because of your weight". my response was to turn side ways in the bed, put my feet in his back and shove his butt right out the bed! reality set back in when he hit the floor.. no matter what weight i gained with the baby, you will not disrespect me, you will not be cruel. i can lose 250lbs real fast by putting him out the door. mama, you are beautiful, no matter your weight, because you are a beautiful soul. you know what you need to do about your weight and you will do it your way in your own time and if he loves you he will be supportive and helpful. thats what my fiance did, hitting that floor made him realize that me being heavier, didn't change who i was or how he was going to treat me. you walk with that head up and you do this for you and he will either be a good man and walk beside you or he can walk without u. lots of love!
mickey
ps i don't care if u did ask the question, he could have had better tact than that! point blank period!

Mickey79 - AGREED!

I am torn as to what to say. Because sometimes we need tough loving. My mum and I had a huge row when she said the same thing to me (Don't you think it kills me every time you stuff food in your body which is making you unhealthier..to the point where you could die?). But at the same time, I need to hear that.

I suffer from depression too. I almost started cutting last year, and I also started having suicidal thoughts again. But right now, I am happier than I have been in years. I live all alone. My parents live halfway across the world and I don't have a partner or many friends. And trust me, a nagging relationship can be so much better than no relationship.

My point is that, sure I hurt a lot. But sometimes we need to take stock of the people in our lives. How our actions can hurt them.

I recently lost my grandmother who has been extremely ill for years. She was 60. She tried to live a healthy life after she had been diagnosed with all her illnesses, but she was struggling to stay alive. After she passed, my entire family turned to me and said. "You need to do something because I don't think we can lose someone else like this. You are young and can change it, you may not be able to prevent getting the illnesses because it is in your blood, but maybe you can increase your lifespan."

I might think of death, but I don't want to die most of the time. I have so many things to do. So much love to give. I can't cut that short.

You have someone who loves you a lot. He loves you enough to never say anything unless you ask. But you need to take what he says with a grain of salt, especially if you eat your emotions. Because trust me when I say, that sometimes our eating habits can hurt our loved ones more.

I am not condoning what he said in anyway. I hate when my loved ones talk about my weight or force me into those discussions, but that is also because I never ask them for input- they do it themselves. But I understand how you feel and how it may have angered you.

But I also know that when my parents eat sugary things, my heart is in my throat because they are both diabetic and sugar can kill them- especially since my mum's blood sugar levels are completely out of control. But until I do something about my own health I have no right to say anything to them. But I know exactly how your boyfriend probably feels too.

I have to agree with astrophe.

I too am familiar with your posts and might suggest that your fiance is under enormous pressure to bear YOUR personal happiness. One person cannot do that.

terrific post. I'm on the side that he fumbled that play. that doesn't mean he's evil or hates you, he just vented his fears and frustrations in not the best way (at all) to suit the situation. I agree as much as you can seize this opportunity to change things for the better for you and him. I'd even tell him, look, it's not going to be easy for me to forget how you put that to me, since I found it pretty hurtful, but let's make a plan to move forward.

sex has a big mental component. yeah, it might be more fun if you're both acrobats, in perfect shape and completely turned on by each other. plenty of people of all sizes have satisfying sex lives (and plenty in shape people may be completely frustrated).

what somebody says, and what they really mean to say is a mixed bag, so it can be counterproductive to label what he said as "the truth," more like there's some truths mixed in there. I'd imagine there's a bunch of stuff going on, some of it not even related to weight.

I know it's difficult, esp if you're already feeling down, but I hope you take the road not to use this stuff your bf said to beat yourself up with. Good luck!!!

Mickey79sf

Amen girl! I'm right there with you. Your post is inspirational and everything the original poster needed to see. U r awesome.


Wow. Some of you other people have got it all wrong. This man is not just some random guy on the street. This is her fiancee. Someone she has to live with and be married to. Tough love, my @$$. You don't even know her. Or him. She's looking for support, not "well you asked, and it may not have been what you wanted to hear...". you think she doesn't know that?!


Porthardygurl
Honey, you are a strong and special person. If my husband ever said anything like that to me, whether i asked or not, you had better believe there would be consequences. It's the love that keeps you from hurting each other. If he is concerned about your weight, he could have put it differently. If your stomach is too big, try a new position. There are ways around it, and yall can have fun trying. :D You're working on bettering your health, and that's what's important. Don't listen to some of these posts. They shouldn't have even said anything.

I think it's great that you two had that discussion. I think it shows love, bravery and trust from both of you. You were brave to ask, he was brave to say what he knew you didn't want to hear. If he didn't love you, it would have been easier to dodge the question or walk away... I do also agree that maybe he didn't do the best job of communicating gently, but overall it sounds to me like this was a GOOD thing even though it hurt like a *******.

I applaud the suggestion for counseling. In my experience it can be a great thing as individuals and as a couple. It doesn't have to be *therapy* as much as another opportunity to learn more about yourself, each other, and that's always a good thing, right? :-)

This is true. He could have walked away instead of telling you how he felt. I had the same thing happen to me. My guy told me my weight embarrassed him and I did nothing about it. In fact I got even bigger and he did walk away. I wanted to marry this guy but now he is married and has kids with someone else. Someone a lot fitter and healthier then me.

If I could go back in time and actually LISTEN to what he said instead of getting all mad at him I might have seen his comment for what it truly was and done something about my excess weight at the time instead of regretting my non-actions now.

Oh, God. I laughed for a year.

I'm very blessed with a partner who's never anything but completely respectful and supportive of my efforts, and has even made lifestyle changes to accomodate me.

I think if my partner were to say what OP's fiancee said to her, he'd mean it and I'd be able to take it as genuine concern for my health. It's very possible that OP is being oversensitive AND he is being less than respectful.

I'm in line with Nola Celeste's post and recommendations.