He says he prefers me at this size, and that if I were to be thinner then he wouldn't find me sexy anymore.
I can't do this without his support. My days are so long and my life feels all over the place and without having someone to kick me up the backside when I'm not feeling like sticking to the diet, I don't know if I can do it.
Also, I feel like he's trying to stop me. Like I've told him umpteen times that I don't like going to his parents every Sunday for dinner but we go anyway. They makes us a full sunday lunch, with all the trimmings, and they dish up for everyone in the kitchen. And a plate of yummy looking food is so much temptation. I don't want to leave loads either so I look rude
And he always tells me I don't eat enough. He'll look at my plate and say "is that it?". Plus last night, he popped to the shop. I asked him to get my a bottle of diet coke while he was there. I just really fancied it. And he brought back a bottle of full sugar coke and a chocolate cake. And I felt like I had to have a piece because he got it for us. So I had a tiny piece with kiwi fruit and strawberries. But it wasn't sticking to my diet plan
I think I'm going to have to just acept that all sundays are going to be difficult. And I'm going to try talking to his mum today and asking for just meat and veg...not the rest of the dinner. But it's so difficult to be on a diet when the person who should support you doesnt want you to be thinner and is trying to stop you.
Sorry this is so long. Just really struggling. I know I should be doing this for me. But he is all I have. I don't live near my family, and very rarely see them. And he's the only person who can help me. But he doesn't want to
It's not uncommon for men to be threatened when their woman looses weight. Your BF may be scared of loosing you when you lose weight. You both need to sit down and talk to each other about why this loss is important to you and why you are going to stick to your plan. Let him know he is sobataging your efforts and that it hurts when he does this. Discuss your health and fitness goals and maybe he can join! Assure him your love. Best of luck.
Thanks. He has said that he's worried that once I lose weight I'll want to be with someone else. And we have tried talking about it but it never feels resolved, no matter how much we talk.
Last year we dieted together for about 2/3 months before our holiday. We would go for a walk together everyday and started walking the 4 mile round trip to get a bit of shopping. And we were eating better. Preparing salads together and, although we weren't counting calories, both of us were getting fitter and feeling miles better. I don't know if either of us lost much weight. But by the time we went on holiday we felt much more confident.
Then on holiday, with his parents, we would eat takeaway almost every night. And his mum made a fry up every morning. I just had cereal most days. But after holiday we never got backon track with losing weight. And so both of us have gained alot of weight.
Feel like now he can't be bothered. But it would be much better if we did it together.
He admitted the other day that he wants to lose weight again. And I keep making healthy meals for the both of us but he just says "is that it?" to whatevers on his plate and gets some bread. He doesnt want to decrease his portion sizes and stop eating junk food or exercise, but he wants to lose weight.
He doesn't sound ready to do it. He's still at the "thinkin' about it" stage. He's not ready to act.
I'm not sure if you are ready to act. You can't expect him to be the one to kick you through the process. You have to do that. So maybe you are at the "thinkin' about it" stage too? But trying to make a plan?
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My days are so long and my life feels all over the place and without having someone to kick me up the backside when I'm not feeling like sticking to the diet, I don't know if I can do it.
Sounds like this and other bits like the sunday dinner are obstacles you need to plan to deal with. You also sound like a people pleasing kind of eater. You eat the cake because BF bought it for you guys. You eat the sunday dinner even though you don't want it because it feels rude not to.
So... ok. Can't control what food people buy or make. But you could plate yourself. Go ahead. And offer to wash up. So you can still be polite but in a different way.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but...fact is...if you are going to succeed, it cannot be "reliant" on anyone else's "support". You must have made up "YOUR MIND" that this is what YOU WANT and NEED to do for YOURSELF. Perhaps you are not ready right now...that's alright. But when you are ready...this will be a "non-issue" what your boyfriend thinks or supports.
Sorry if this sounds blunt....but it's the harsh reality of journey we are all experiencing. Not all of us have the luxury of getting "support". I know I certainly do not. If many of us were reliant on support we'd eat ourselves into diabetes!!!
Like the poster above said, you can "assure" him of your love, however, YOU are responsible for what you put into your mouth. A good defense is a better offense. On Sundays...eat BEFORE you go over his parents house. Have a salad, or diet soda while there...or eat a fruit, etc. When he brings you chocolate cake, and regular soda...don't eat it....it's really as simple as that. Excuses are something everyone can find...it's what got most of us here...when you ready to stop giving in to them...you will reach your goals...your boyfriend's an adult...he'll get over his insecurities and may end up loving you more for it.
It certainly can help when the people close to us support us in our weight loss, but even when they want to help, they don't always know what to do, or do it well... lots of threads over the years have discussed that.
And then sometimes they aren't actively supportive or even sabotaging, for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes significant others are threatened of our weight loss -- yours says he fears you might leave, mine was worried that I would lose my love for food and not enjoy eating out at restaurants with him anymore...
But as others have said, I think you have to be able to do it without the support and in the face of sabotage. Because ultimately, we are the ones who control what food goes in our bodies. No one is forcing us to eat. They may encourage or cajole us... and we may really want to eat... but it's not the same thing.
I know that in my marriage, my husband was not supportive and threatened at first. After I had success over a few months, he got interested in how he could lose weight himself and came on board!! It was easier, but definitely not without its pitfalls too.
Good luck at today's Sunday dinner! Try explaining to your mil what's happening (it's your health on the line) and plate your own food! Let us know how it goes.
There are two different issues here: one, the failure to support (i.e., "kick in the butt"), and two, his actual working against you (buying you a full sugar soda when you asked for diet, etc.)
As others have mentioned, it's not reasonable to expect him to monitor your eating, keep you on track, basically be your daddy. You're an adult, you are responsible for your choices. It's not reasonable for you to resent him for not losing weight with you, or to nag him to lose weight: it's his body and his choice.
On the other hand, it's reasonable to expect him to respect your wishes, and not complain about how little you are eating (that's not his business) or nag you to eat more, or to ply you with treats (offering once is pretty much a social obligation, so I think that's okay, but repeated offers are rude).
So I think you need to keep these two different things straight in your head. When you talk to him, you need to clearly identify the unacceptable behavior--the nagging you to eat more, the making you feel bad for losing weight. That's really very different than not kicking your butt.
You also need to impress upon him that your weight is killing you. This isn't a vanity thing, it's a living past 55 thing. That sounds awful, but it's true: how many fat people in their 80s do you see? Point out that if you aren't losing, you are likely gaining (this was always true for me) and that there will be more and more health problems as that happens.
I don't know if you two are in a "planning a life together" sort of relationship ("boyfriend" covers a lot of territory), but if you are and if a family is part of that plan, you might point out to him that right now you couldn't safely carry a baby, and you couldn't be sure you'd see that baby grow up. (And yes, I know obese women carry babies all the time, but it isn't nearly as safe for them or the baby when they do so).
It may well be that he thinks the only reason women lose weight is to make men happy, and that if he doesn't want you to lose weight, he can't understand why you want it, unless it's for some other man. Try to help him see that this is about health, not beauty.
He says he prefers me at this size, and that if I were to be thinner then he wouldn't find me sexy anymore.
I can't do this without his support.
This is BS and he knows it!! You just tell him, that he might not find you sexy anymore, but there will be a new boat load of other men who will.
I'm sorry, but this just makes me crazy when guys want to keep their women fat because of their own insecurities. My husband was once like this. I flat out told him...had the talk, that it WAS going to happen. I WAS going to lose weight, and if he didn't like it and didn't support me in it, (as in not sabotaging me) then our marriage was over. Walla. We are happy as larks.
Don't let him do this to you. You wouldnt let him beat you would you? Then don't let him pressure you into another unhealthy way of life.
Schmead i totally agree with you, health is definately the most important thing, but even if it was about beauty that still shouldn't mean her boyfriend can grumble about it.
Some of us ladies are losing for vanities sake, but it doesnt mean its so we can find another man. Jess, tell your boyfriend your weightloss is nothing to do with other men, and it may not even be about the man you have now, its about YOU.
You have been given some great advice in the above posts and I agree that he probably feels threatened about your weight loss and is worried that you will look good to someone else. Men are so insecure ! He is also being very controlling. You must put your foot down and explain once and for all that you are serious about this and your health is at stake. You must also talk to his mother while you appreciate all she does , blah , blah, blah.you must not eat a diet rich in fattening food. Ask her if you can help serve , that way you can prepare your own plate. When he ask is that it, say that's all I want today. Stand firm, do not let anyone dictate what you eat.
I just think a real man should want for you what you want. I hope you can see that being healthy and happy with yourself should always come before someone elses opinion.
Schmead i totally agree with you, health is definately the most important thing, but even if it was about beauty that still shouldn't mean her boyfriend can grumble about it.
Some of us ladies are losing for vanities sake, but it doesnt mean its so we can find another man. Jess, tell your boyfriend your weightloss is nothing to do with other men, and it may not even be about the man you have now, its about YOU.
I agree that there is nothing wrong with losing weight for vanity, but for my husband at least I think it was hard for him to watch me denying myself/suffer when he thought it was all about vanity. He didn't have any doubts about my fidelity, but he didn't like to see me unhappy for what seemed to him a silly reason (and, of course, I'd carefully hidden from him how unhappy being overweight made me).
Don't hold back your health for a boyfriend. You need to look forward, beyond him, and how this weight will impact you. You are at a higher risk for some health problems, some of which can kill you at a young age. You will have a high risk pregnancy should you choose to be a mother. Is THAT less important than the insecurity of a boyfriend? I think the choice is simple.
You have one life to live and you cannot live it for someone else
Just DO it! And when you succeed you can ask him, "How ya like me NOW?!" lol coz I'm SURE there's no WAY he won't find it sexy that your new level of fitness translates into the bedroom, too.
My boyfriend does't want me to lose weight...
