Hi, I am back on after some of life's speed bumps got me, son in a horrible wreck yesterday, he is okay, but totaled his car.. things snowballing..
My husband is coming home for good tomorrow from his out of town assignment. I am so thrilled.
I saw him at christmas time, but he left back at the end of October. He is a great guy. He had gained some weight when he quit smoking, but since he's been there, has lost it. ALL OF IT.
However, I am noting a 'hinting, heavy hinting' towards me getting into shape. He has NEVER done this before. He really started that at christmas. I wondered if us being apart for two months, at that time, when he came home, he could really 'see' me for the first time in 21 years of marriage?
He has not been mean, or really direct. I have posted here about my trip to Egypt and me trying to get in shape, he is aware of my efforts and is really supportive, but it is like it really opened a doorway for him to really back me AND sort of tell me its time to lose the weight.
Has anybody ever had their mate just come out and say drop the weight? I wonder if he did that would I be traumatized? This is the hardest I have worked at eating well, over the last two months. He is totally supporting me..
But I do not want to take that conversation any further than necessary in case he says something to me I don't want to hear. I know it is all true, but to hear HIM say it, even if he is thinking it might really freak me out. LOL
Just curious. I think he saw me add that extra 40 pounds over the last three years to climb to 344ish at my highest weight, and that might make him think I might keep going. LOL
I am having health issues and maybe now he is done sitting back and not saying, hey pull your crap together here...???
It does inspire me a little more, when I go to grab something to eat, when I think, okay, he has made some comments about losing, he REALLY has had it with me being so big.
I now all the guys he is working with down there had at one point flown their girlfriends/wives down. I've met them all and I am the ONLY fat one. I mean, that too. There were about 7 different women I know of, that I have met at the union meetings..
Does he see that and just think, I am so sick of not being able to be proud of my wife? I don't know what he is thinking, I am Not opening that can of worms. As great as he is, I think he might say something he thinks is going to be helpful and end up being very hurtful. That happened at christmas. We both ended up feeling really bad.
I am so happy I have somewhere to come where everybody seems to understand. I thought of that in the car on the way home tonight.
My ex always said he didn't care and he thought I was beautiful no matter what. But I think if he would've said that I would've been upset. To me it's not different than some stranger saying your fat (this is something you clearly already know). If you take the initiative and start losing weight I think your husband wont have to say anything about it and he can support you instead of you being upset over his comments.
I agree, it is the same as anybody else saying, maybe even more hurtful, because this person knows directly the struggles you have gone through. I think that's why he has never directly said, 'hey your fat, lose it' LOL
But I do know this time he seems very excited and more interested than he ever has in my weight lose. I don't know where that is coming from. He has always said, God made us all different and whose to say what is normal weight.
However, that being said, I just note a more interested/supportive attitude, like he knows if he gets behind me more, that I might stick with it. I sent him candy down there for valentines day and he said he wouldn't bring it home if it would be hard on me.
He hasn't given that much thought before, I am sure. I am going to probably head him off of saying something to me, by just telling him I love his new supportive attitude. Not that he wasn't supporting me before, it's just now he is suddenly vocal.
At christmas what he had said, was his coworkers girlfriend, saw a woman with her stomach hanging down (mine is) and she went on and on about how come that woman let herself go and why didn't she do something about it before she got fat like that...
Well, his point was the girlfriend was shallow, however, the story was hurting me, for him and for me, I am sure he was thinking, that's my wife you are talking about. I didn't ask what if anything he said. This woman has never met me, but the boyfriend has.
i told him the next day, my feelings were hurt and he said he didn't mean it that way, however, I have wondered if since that incident, that was some way for him to tell me what he was thinking? I don't know. I've had a great marriage, I really have and he is a great guy.
I just know him and I know sometimes when he tells me stories like that, he doesn't think, or think it will hurt me. I keep that in mind because there was another story that had to do with my cancer and hysterectomy and I think he thought he had a good story about another coworkers wife, but it horrified me.. LOL So, I know he isn't good at comforting stories.
I do agree, as long as he sees me trying, then I think he will be fine. That part of it, is actually, keeping me going, which surprises me. I want him to be proud. But you know what worries me is all the lose skin that will surely be there... is that worse to see than fat??
I dunno, not to be a downer or anything, but you need to lose this weight for YOU and nobody else otherwise it won't work. Its fine if his support is motivating you, then great, wonderful, but ultimately you need to do this for YOU!!! You are worth it!!!
I wish you the best of luck and wish you and your DH a long and happy life together.
Last edited by Sassy_Chick; 02-20-2008 at 12:46 AM.
Nope. No boyfriend has ever told me to lose weight.
I think you may be reading a little too far into that story your husband told. He was probably just telling about something that annoyed him or upset him. Not suggesting that you lose weight, because some woman he happens to know is an insensitive person.
I tell people what I want to hear. If I wanted more encouraging words, for example, were that my husband, I'd say "I'm enjoying this weight loss process, and I'd love your encouraging words... but I'm kind of afraid of what you might say at the same time, because I don't want to take anything the wrong way or to hear anything mean. I want this to stay a positive thing. So, if you want to tell me something encouraging or positive... please do "
That's right. I just let people know what I want. No shame!
About the skin... In the Body Issues section they've posted frequently about this. Most people don't even know how "bad" it really is until after a year of maintenance, because some loose skin tightens back up a bit. Even then, most of the people I read about say that while they have some in a few places they don't like seeing, it's nothing compared to how they've improved their health & lost all the weight.
Your husband seems like a genuine guy. I'm sure he just wants to know you're healthy. You could always bring up your fear of that to him as well. You'll probably notice that he doesn't care about loose skin as much as your living longer with him.
My husband and I are both very overweight. He's been as high as 420 lbs (now 366). I was almost 400lbs, and am now 345 or 346. Neither of us can pretend we're skinny, or that weight isn't affecting our health and quality of life, as we're both on disability. His health issues definitely and mine probably weren't caused by being fat, but the damage and disability was certainly accelerated.
So we do noodge each other about healthy habits. We also speak up when the other person is heading out of helpful noodging into nagging and ego bruising. Sometimes one of us goes too far (and sometimes not far enough) to be of help. For the most part though I think we both usually remember it's done out of love and a desire to spend as many years together as possible. If only one of us were fat, this might be much more difficult to deal with however.
No boyfriend has told me to lose weight, but my bf has been very support. He doesn't want me to lose my curves, but he would like me to have more energy and to physical things with him, like karate, kayaking, wrestling O.o In this aspect, he really wants me to get in shape.
In your case, people are right, you have to do this for YOURSELF. Losing weight will give you a much longer, healthier life with DH, less time spent old and struggling with diabetes and getting around and needing help to be washed. When the kids have all moved out and he's retired, you'll be in better shape to do things together you enjoy. They say sex improves when we're in better shape, be it for confidence, stamina, whatever.
I think it's good DH is trying to encourage you to lose weight, it means he still cares about you, your health, your looks. It would be worse if he didn't care, no? Just an idea- as long as he never belittles you. That's wrong.
(All the best to your son, I hope he's alright. I'm 21 and have already lost a friend to speeding in the winter. I hope he learnt a lesson if he was being irresponsible. )
Last edited by souvenirdarling; 02-20-2008 at 07:23 AM.
I have been with my hubby since I was 16..so 18 years we ahve been together..he is a skinny guy,,and not once has he told me to lose weight. BUT I talk about lossing all the time..and he will encourage me. He will say sometimes let's go walk..or..want to go swimming this saturday. I think my hubby knows I beat myself up enough about it.
As far as your hubby, maybe he is just trying to encourage you to loose. I don't know. I am sure like you said he is not being mean. I am sure he knows you want to loose it too!
Hi, I'm still new here, but I wanted to respond, too.
You have stressed what a great marriage you have, and how you don't think your hubby was trying to hurt you, and I believe you're very right. He probably was bothered by the comment, and was just sharing the hurt with the one person who matters most to him - you.
As far as the hinting, you mentioned cancer and problems from a hysterectomy, and a more supportive attitude towards you getting into shape. He may be thinking, as most of us do, about wanting to spend as much time as he can down here with his mate, and supporting you to get in better shape, while he gets in better shape himself.
I have been with my hubby since we were 19&20, and way back then we were just happily fat together. His mother died at 57 from diabetes, but back then it seemed so far away. Now that he is 40, with 4 out of 5 siblings diabetic, and him weighing 350#, 57 is not that far away! So, while I'm trying to get myself in better shape(not skinny, just a smaller healthier shape - lol), I have been nudging him, sometimes too hard, and I have hurt him, and had to apologize. I don't want to hurt him, but I get so scared of losing him, or of him losing me, after so long together.
Like it was said above, you have to lose the weight for you, as I have to for me and my hubby has to for himself. I do think he is seeing you trying, though, and is trying to be supportive. Just let him know when the support goes too far.
My bf is a very thin person, and he met me at my HW. He loved me at 250 and he still loves me now. Can I comfortably say he was less attracted to me physically at my HW than he is now? kind of, but only because I was less happy with myself.
He has never told me to lose weight, though he used to make very strong "hints" that he felt that I would be happier and healthier if i did lose weight. Even that hurt my feelings, even though I was often the person to bring the subject into coversation. In reality, he was just mirroring the comments that I would make, though when HE said them, it hurt.
When my weightloss really started moving again this past october, he got into a little negative reinforcement kick where he would make comments like "I don't really think you can do this" because he thought that would spark my competitive nature and make me more apt to continue moving in a WL direction. I nipped that in the bud pretty quickly one evening after we had a horrible fight .. he has a friend that went on some crazy fad diet and since he didn't see me making any drastic changes like so and so did, I obviously wasn't trying hard enough and didn't really want this. It was at that point that I explained my plan to him, told him how hurtful his comments were, and that it is far more difficult for women to lose weight to begin with. He though t he was being supportive, but now he knows what I need for him to be supportive - and I don't want to deny him anything, so i've been keeping dinners the same, and my junk food junkie still has all the trash in the house he needs. He is now my biggest fan and best supported, without ever being mean about it. I am definitely more paranoid about what I think he is thinking than anything he would ever say or think, but that is years of being conditioned as the only overweight person in my family to think that people are constantly thinking about me and what i'm putting in my mouth.
Whenever I catch him eyeing my plate at dinner, my first thought is that he thinks i took too large of a portion. normally, he's really eying it because he thinks i got the better piece of steak, the jucier chicken, etc. has everything to do with what's on my plate, but nothing to do with me!
My hubby has never said lose weight. He has said he was worried about my health before. He has alot of health issues and doesnt want me to have to deal with my own health. He is encouraging to me and even goes and helps me exercise(lift weights) actually the past few times he has joined me. He loves me no matter what I weigh..I just dont love myself as much when I am heavy. I know that I have to loose this weight for myself..i want to feel good and be healthy. I am excited to tell him my loss each week.
At my highest weight of 156, my boyfriend told me to lose weight all the time. So did his mom... so did everyone else around me, including my mom. I was simply too fat for everyone.
Now that I've lost 10-ish pounds, the comments have generally come slower. I know I still need to keep going, but one day I'll be happy with my weight and no more negative comments! Woo!
If it was not for my husband, I would never have gone to WW in the first place. I was getting heavier and heavier and was miserable and he is diabetic and was regaining the weight he lad lost when he was first diagnosed. He met me when I was already very heavy and by the time we started WW and I was 312 lbs. we had been together for about 2 1/2 years. We went together because trying to play food police wasn't working and we needed structure. When I quit...not once did he make an issue of it...but he finally put his foot down again and said "it's time to go back....both of us." and I knew I couldn't argue.
However....once upon a time I met a guy who I thought was wonderful and intelligent and charming and practically perfect. We had a FABULOUS (wink wink nudge nudge) weekend together and when I was packing up to go back to school (we lived in different cities in Florida) he told me how wonderful I am and how great it would be if the thin girl he knew was inside me would come out.
I ate him for dinner with some fava beans and a nice chianti (KIDDING!!!)
However....once upon a time I met a guy who I thought was wonderful and intelligent and charming and practically perfect. We had a FABULOUS (wink wink nudge nudge) weekend together and when I was packing up to go back to school (we lived in different cities in Florida) he told me how wonderful I am and how great it would be if the thin girl he knew was inside me would come out.
What a jerk!! Grrrr!!
Well my first dh was 6'4 and about 340 lbs, I was about 240 then. And he had the nerve, after sex, to tell me that "WE" needed to lose weight.
I remember one time eating ice cream and him telling me I could NOT eat anther bowl! Nice. lol
When I finally started doing something about my weight, he was a trucker so gone all month, I lost 10 pounds cause I wanted to work on my weight, not cause someone told me I had to.
He came home and didn't say anything. In fact I remember him yelling at me and threatening to leave me cause I didn't like the snakes he brought home for pets. Later I asked him if he noticed and he said yeah. No support, no nothing. I quit walking after that.
With Joey he knew I was heavy when we started going out and he didn't care. I said I would like to lose and he told me he would help me but it wasn't a requirement to be with him. He thought I was beautiful no matter what. He has been my biggest support this whole time.
It sounds to me like your dh may be worried about your health and is trying to nudge you along in the right direction but doesn't know what would help.
For me Joey is always telling me he is so proud of me, how great I am doing and just always encourages and supports me. Ask your dh to do the same. Positve encouragement works better than negative.
Anybodies Husband/BF tell them to lose weight?
He is totally supporting me..
Don't wanna be a downer, but............
Its fine if his support is motivating you, then great, wonderful, but ultimately you need to do this for YOU!!! You are worth it!!! 
