Hey all, my mom (55yrs) and sister (21yrs) are battling obesity. Noone in my family is obese, in fact, quite the opposite. My mom's three sisters are all 100-120lbs (and active), her brother is 160lb and competes in the senior olympics (at 63 yrs of age, and is actually really good), her 90yr old mom is 110lbs, and her dad is 170lb at 93 yrs old, and they are both still active with gardening, travel, etc. My dad's side of family is made up of athletes (from college to as high as minor league baseball). My brother and I were both state champ swimmers in highschool, and I have been a top level amateur cyclist in the last few years. My brother is 155lbs and I was 160lbs @ 5.2% bodyfat at the peak of my racing last spring (28 yrs old). My point is, we have good genes.
My mom used to be fit until around 40 yrs old, when she stopped working out and eating correctly. My sister was a great ballet dancer (danced with the NYC ballet in her early teens), and was a great swimmer and track athlete in early highschool. Then she too stopped eating healthy and working out at around 16 yrs old.
They have both gained about 70-80 pounds over their previous, healthy, fit, selves. They are not getting any smaller, and if anything, they are getting bigger.
I have tried talking with them about it, but they are defensive and make up lies about how they can't lose weight, there's not enough time in the day to workout, and last but not least they say things like "I DO eat healthy" or "I'm going to start next week" or "Well I ate bad today, but tomorrow...".
My dad got my sister to jog 15 miles a week with him a couple summer ago, and after only two months (not even changing eating habits), she lost 20 pounds. Once she went back to college though, she gained it back, plus 10 more.
What's worse is that their cholesterol is SCARY and their blood pressure is high enough to where the docs want to put them on meds. But still, that hasn't changed their habits. If anything, they are growing numb to it.
So... what can I do to help them? Their diet is AWFUL. (Soda, candy, fried food, burgers, etc) Their exercising is almost non-existant. Health wise, they are getting bad, fast. Size wise, they are blowing up and looking very bad.
I can't stand by and let it happen any more. Please help...
If they are not willing or should I say ready no matter what you say will make a difference and they like you said will become more and more agressive. I think a non family member might have more success since the emotional aspect won t be there. A doctor, a nurse, a good friend.
I remember a few months back my husband discussing my weight and me getting upset with him, telling him that althought he wanted me to be healthy I felt harassed by his constant nagging. He was not nagging in the least I just did not want to listen you see I was scared of failing and feeling worse for it. It took a picture of myself at an important show for my career to remove all the pride I felt. that was rock bottom for me and the turning point.
They need something that will give them the energy to do it.
I do not know what you can do, maybe go the sneaky way, compliment old pictures when they were a healty weight. Talk about how much you use to enjoy activities you use to do with them. Go for the positive and see how they react, dont give up on them, they are very lucky to have you.
Trying to change other people's eating habits (even if it's for their own good) rarely works and usually backfires. They have to want it for themselves. You can invite them to go for walks with you, or serve them only healthy food, without making a big deal of it, when they come to your house. Beyond that, the best you can do is set a good example and offer gentle positive reinforcement when you see them taking small steps toward better health.
Don't be the diet/health police to them, that will have the opposite effect. They will change when they're ready. I know it's hard to see a family member being self destructive, but they need to do it for themselves, and have it be their idea.
Some good posts here already so I won't repeat, but from personal experience some people eat from stress or depression and good someone temporarily makes the pain go away and once you get to a certain size it can be a cycle of doing well for a couple days then falling off the wagon and feeling more depressed. It can be so easy to comment on what someone is or is not eating but the problem can be emotional and it is so easy to ignore or not ask some - hey are you okay? and not comment on the food at all. The food and weight we can see but we can't see what someone is going thru emotionally. I was 140 in my first marriage, my ex was terribly abusive in every way and an alcoholic I turned to food to cope. Cleary I know this is not right. I gained 80 pounds then he got more abusive for me gaining the weight and on goes the cycle. We never know what people are going thru emotionally and I wish people instead of judging someones size would care for the whole person not just what size they are.
My mom's BP is 160/100. Her cholesterol was 40 HDL / 150 LDL with tri's in the 200's. Her liver values (AST/ALT/Bil) were all 50-100% over the highest 'normal' range. She just tore her meniscus in half, a complete tear, due to her weight. I feel like it's protracted suicide... I'll see if I can get someone other than family to talk to her. I don't know if I can just sit and watch this.
My thoughts exactly. YOU cannot make them do anything and pushing them to bend to your will will only make them push back harder to do what they want instead of what you want. Losing weight has to come on their own schedule, not yours.
You comment on the BP issue. When I was 250 my BP was 120/80 now that I've lost 70+ pounds, my BP runs 150/90 or higher. BP isn't always about weight, it can be other factors.
Looking at who you are, you're just not the person to tell them what to do. I would be completely offended if you tried to tell me, when I was 250, what I should do. It's their lives and you can't live it for them. They have to come to the realization in their own time that it's time to lose weight. It's just that simple.
I wish people instead of judging someones size would care for the whole person not just what size they are.
I could care less about size/look to be honest. It's the high blood pressure, bad cholesterol, high blood sugar, liver values that are 2-3x normal, etc, that are KILLING my mom, and about to start killing my little sister, caused from the eating and weight, that rip at me. Maybe it's a mental thing, I don't know... =/
I think it's great that you care about them, but the problem is, as long as they are adults and they are making their own choices, then you can't really help them.
I remember when I finally took the plunge to make myself healthier I was looking at the world in different eyes than I did previously. Even as my friends and family worried about my weight gain, until I was ready to make a change, I wasn't listening to them. I ignored or didn't hear what they said at all.
All I can suggest is that you sit down with each of them separately and not make this about their weight. This is about their health. Ask your mom or sister to eat healthier not because you want them to be thin, but to see if they can improve their cholesterol numbers or whatever.
Assure them that you love them, even when they are overweight. Check on them to make sure it isn't depression. Ask the rest of your family members to reassure them that they are loved, as they are, too.
Then, just make them focus on getting healthier by their bloodwork numbers.
When they are ready, they will take their extra weight off.
How did you get access to your mother's confidential medical information? Her cholesterol, her BP, her liver function tests?
Honestly, if you were my son and approached me as you have approached the subject on this board, I'd kick you to the curb and go eat a pound cake. I mean, honestly, I'm kind of offended and I'm not your mother. I can only imagine that you both hurt and offended her depending on if you approached her in this manner.
With your mother's bp being so high, I am sure that the doctor has talked to her about the dangers of her weight.
I think that what you said in your original post shows a very normal reaction to family members talking to someone about their weight problems.
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I have tried talking with them about it, but they are defensive and make up lies about how they can't lose weight, there's not enough time in the day to workout, and last but not least they say things like "I DO eat healthy" or "I'm going to start next week" or "Well I ate bad today, but tomorrow...".
Talking to them about it won't work. So I suggest:
* Let them know that you love them. Drawing away from them or showing disgust will only make things worse. Create a pleasant atmosphere at home.
* Don't bring any of those "bad" foods into the house. You would be surprised how often thinner members of the family contribute to the bad habits of the people with the weight problem.
* Do bring home fruits and vegetables
* I think it is OK to ask your Mom or sister to walk with you as long as you are not making it sound like punishment. Just approach it as something fun to share.
* Offer to cook sometimes. Your mother will probably welcome that.
I think that it is great that you care. You just have to be aware of their feelings and be sensitive to them. It is their lives.
Looking at who you are, you're just not the person to tell them what to do. I would be completely offended if you tried to tell me, when I was 250, what I should do..
This is disheartening. Because I'm family or because I'm healthy? Maybe both?
This is disheartening. Because I'm family or because I'm healthy? Maybe both?
Both. For one, you're her son, not her husband or father. You, as the son, should have respect for your mother and, as stated, if you came across to your mother the way you came across here which is REALLY coming across to me as condescending, she's not going to listen to you. Two, because you are healthy and an athlete, she could have the "what do you know" thought process. My brother used to be athletic, my mother a rail thin woman who could eat a horse and never gain, and my father and daughter naturally thin. Why should I have listened to any of them, they had NO CLUE what it was like to be me.
The same applies with you. You've never been overweight so you have no clue what the struggles are. You don't just snap your fingers and the weight comes off. It takes years of work....and I do mean YEARS. If you approached them, as you have us, you're pushing for what you want, even if you say it's for them, and coming at it from the wrong angle.
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Originally Posted by cherrypie
no. Because grownups don't get to tell other grownups what to do.
I like this answer to.
Last edited by Jesse Taylor; 01-20-2011 at 12:19 PM.
Reason: Avoiding a double post
My mom and sister need help... kinda long.
