You should have no stronger cheerleader than your SO. Even you saying you didn't expect him to be is a red flag in my world.
You say when you try to talk to him about important things he gets angry and that's the end of it. My question is where are you wanting this relationship to go? Do you want to eventually marry him? Do you want to have children with him? If you plan to spend forever with him and raise children with him then there will be MANY important things that need talking about. What happens if you have a difference of opinion regarding something to do with your children? What about the way life is when a couple is older and need to care for one another? How do you think this type of man would handle such things? What if you have a daughter? What if he says things like that to her? What do you think it would do to a growing child to have a father treat them that way?
I'm not going to tell you to leave him. I do think you should do some serious soul searching though.
He is not normally like this, but it definitely isn't something good, and I should be taking it seriously.
Right now I am going to work on my figure, and take things how they go.
If it happens again, I will definitely be putting my foot down. I am not one to take things more than once! (usually not even once, but I want to give him the benifit of the doubt this ONE time)
My mom supports me a lot, as well as work friends and friends outside of work. Rigt now them -and everyone on 3FC- are my rock. I love you guys!
i most certainly have had to deal with insults from my family members and even co workers ill give you a quick story theres a lady in my job who sells uniforms and when i asked her to show me what she had she refused saying that im too fat to fit in any of the shirts she had i was so hurt i didnt even know what to say i justed smiled and walked away ppl can be so inconciderate of others feelings and think when they say things to us in motivation well honesstly we are emotional ppl thats why alot of us are the size we are its so wron g n e way god bless
I finally spoke to him yesterday because I was becoming stressed and couldn't take it anymore.
It was as a few of you thought. He told me that by saying that to me, he thought it would motivate me to do even more, as I'd want to prove him wrong. And then he apologized.
I calmly told him it doesn't work for me, and that if he isn't going to support me I just don't want him to say anything at all about my weight loss.
We both ended up resolving the problem and it shouldn't come up again. He looked like he felt pretty bad about it. I don't think he took me seriously when I said it hurt me the first time.
Men can be funny sometimes (no offence to any men on 3FC)
My boyfriend can be a jerk too. He's one of the people who is loving, until you have an argument. Then anything you're sensitive about, he'll attack. If I had one leg, he'd be supportive and loving and make me feel beautiful despite it. But if we got into an argument about something else, he'd start making one leg jokes.
The last argument we had was because I listened to some radio show he doesn't want me to, Alex Jones. He hates that guy. So we argued about that until he said "You're a typical American, you put junk in your head and junk in your body". I remember thinking, in my body? Why would he say that when we were arguing about what radio shows I'm allowed to listen to?
Then I remembered I told him I had a craving to eat chips earlier, so had some. He was like "You're addicted to junk, you put it in your mind and in your mouth...You shove greasy, disgusting chips in your mouth...It's disgusting".
I said "But I've lost over 20 pounds, so having a portion of chips isn't going to make or break anything". He said, "It's not about weight loss or calories, it's about fat. You're going to have a heart attack. Why would I want to marry someone or have kids with someone that doesn't plan on being there for them?"
So I said, "Because I'm on a diet I'm now allowed treats?"..."That's how diets work honey".
It made me completely embarrassed, and ashamed. I threw away the chips I had bought and cried my eyes out.
He said he was just worried about my health, and wanted me to eat better. If that's true, he's the least eloquent person I know.
Girl...I don't even know how to say all the things I want to say about phrases like "...what radio shows I'm allowed to listen to." Children and pets are granted permission to do things; adults decide these things for themselves, and any adult who tries to usurp that right for another competent adult is being extraordinarily controlling.
As for the weight/diet thing, someone who's genuinely concerned for your health--mental or physical--does not try to affect it by becoming abusive and contemptuous toward you. Would that wash in any other aspect of your life? If you were in a car with someone who rained vitriol on your head about how stupid you were and what a terrible driver you were, would you assume that he did it only out of love because he wanted you to improve your driving? Would you believe your boss was only trying to better the quality of your work by telling you that hiring you was a mistake?
We all say stuff that's unpleasant during arguments--that's why they're called arguments and not agreements--but loving people don't say outright hateful things to one another. Some things you just can't un-say, and if there isn't a bedrock level of love to prevent someone from going that low, well...why is there a relationship there at all?
I am truly stunned at this thread. I am reading things that are worse than the very worst things that my husband or any man has ever said to me within the context of a relationship and seeing these things treated as not all that big a deal. I don't know if that means I have been very gently treated by the men in my life or if my experiences are more typical and what I'm reading is the exception.
This thread has reminded me to give my hubs a big hug and some proper thanks for his supportiveness.
I get so upset when I see or hear things like this. Men are funny and odd yes, but it still baffles me how anyone can say the things they do and think it's ok or appropriate.
I am lucky because my husband is extremely supportive and we are actually on our journey's together. He is just on the opposite side of the spectrum, he wants to gain muscle and put on weight while I want to lose.
Stay true to you and continue to take care of yourself no matter what and stand up for yourself!!
You didn't do anything to deserve that kind of treatment, maybe hes afraid that someone might come along, who knows. I personally thing that 42lbs is a great job and don't let your heart take what he said as truth. I would leave personally. But be uplifted by the support you see here in these posts.
Well, did you already say something like that before, and then fail? Because that would be the reason why he is sceptical now. You should never promise anything that you can't do, otherwise people will lose confidence in your abilities. As he said, he's challenging you to prove him wrong, so do so.
I could not disagree more vehemently with this assessment.
No one can promise another person anything about her own body. Losing weight is not like turning in an assignment by its deadline or arriving to work on time or other things that we have complete conscious control of. While we definitely control how we go about it, we don't control the results; biology does. Promising others to lose weight is like promising not to let your boobs sag--gravity may have other plans for you.
But that's really beside the point. Demoralizing, mocking, contemptuous insults aren't a challenge to prove anyone wrong--they're demoralizing, mocking, contemptuous insults. If I punch you in the gut, are you going to assume that I'm challenging you to develop your abs? No, you're going to take it as a grievous affront.
If someone punches you, it means he's not a nice person. It likely means he doesn't like you very much. It almost definitely means you should remove yourself from his company. It does NOT mean you deserve to get punched or that punches should encourage you to try harder.
These things are just as true whether the punch to the gut is a physical one or an emotional one.
Please consider all the posts here carefully and not the lone post from the individual who seems to think that a punch in the gut is equivalent to a motivational speech. That is not healthy.
No one can promise another person anything about her own body. Losing weight is not like turning in an assignment by its deadline or arriving to work on time or other things that we have complete conscious control of. While we definitely control how we go about it, we don't control the results; biology does. Promising others to lose weight is like promising not to let your boobs sag--gravity may have other plans for you.
I totally agree with this statement, our perceived failures should never be treated as ammunition for hurtful or abusive treatment from a loved one.
I finally spoke to him yesterday because I was becoming stressed and couldn't take it anymore.
It was as a few of you thought. He told me that by saying that to me, he thought it would motivate me to do even more, as I'd want to prove him wrong. And then he apologized.
I calmly told him it doesn't work for me, and that if he isn't going to support me I just don't want him to say anything at all about my weight loss.
We both ended up resolving the problem and it shouldn't come up again. He looked like he felt pretty bad about it. I don't think he took me seriously when I said it hurt me the first time.
I'm so glad you talked with him about it, and I hope this truly was a one-off thing!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Garland
My boyfriend can be a jerk too. He's one of the people who is loving, until you have an argument. Then anything you're sensitive about, he'll attack.
That is so, so, so not cool. My mouth quite literally dropped when I read your post. I can't imagine someone I love being so judgemental.
