Lol this is me exactly! It does bother me somtimes, but I do try to put it into perspective realizing that everyone is different...although I do think people need to consider their audiences. I think people can express a dislike about their body but I would never, as a 187 pound person, say that I am SO FAT in front of someone who is a lot bigger than I am, as I would hope someone who is much smaller than me would refrain from saying their are so fat in my presence. To me it's just good manners, really. I'm speaking of real life relationships, posting online is a whole 'nother scenario.
This is so true. And I guess I face very little of this in the real world. Most people I know have tact, with just a few exceptions. It's online that I get my feathers out of order, and seriously I wish it wasn't so!
And how skinny is too skinny to be allowed to express these feelings? What's the appropriate amount of fatness that a person should have in order to be able to express a dislike about their own body?
As a 160 pound size 10, am I allowed to say it in front of my 200 pound size 18 friend? What about my 180 pound size 14 friend? What's socially acceptable?
It's kind of ridiculous, IMO.
I know where you are going with this, and I think the answer is that real life situations are too complicated to have a single feeling one way or the other.
For example, there are three girls in my lab (including myself) that are losing weight, or getting healthier. One is trying to increase her fitness without losing weight, the other has been losing the 15 lbs she's gained since coming to the US, and well, I'm trying to lose a lot of weight. Anyway, because we are all doing this at the same time, we talk about it quite a bit, but the important things is we all actually want to talk about it and are respectful of what each others goals are. So yeah, in our situation, someone who is about 125 lbs talking about being uncomfortable with their weight with someone 200+ is fine.
On the other hand, I've been in other situations were I don't think talking about weight was appropriate, or when the way people talk about it is disrespectful to themselves and others. I think it really just depends, like most conversation topics do.
In general, this really bugs me IF I am clearly fat or overweight and the person saying this is not and has a good figure. To me, it's the same as a MENSA/Honor Society genius moaning to an average person (B/C person) that they know they are going to fail some certain test or grade. To me, it comes across as very inconsiderate....as owning 2 eyeballs, the person can clearly see that they are much fatter than me.
Now I DO realize that some people ARE just socially stupid....and may think that a comment like this is helpful because they can show the person that they "share" this problem with him/her. They somehow think that not mentioning it would be more inconsiderate.
This happens a lot if one is in a minority group...Black, Jewish, etc. People often feel compelled to throw in the "some of my best friends are Jews" etc. to show that they can "relate" to the person....and that they are not guilty of prejudice/bias.
Funny though.....I don't mind the weight comment IF the other person is overweight....even if it's a little less than I am. As long as the person is in the "overweight" category and does indeed clearly have to deal with this issue.
Folks do NOT need to show me that they "share" or can "relate" to my issue (or problem) when they clearly don't. It just comes across as inconsiderate, IMO. Just be friendly....that's basically all that's required.
Because often, the fat sympathy just goes downhill from there. I will then say "well gee, if YOU are fat, what does that make ME? And then the person goes "Oh, YOU'RE not fat!"....and then you just shake your head.
I know the feeling very well! I'm still over 200lbs and I feel weird saying I'm fat when I'm around people who are much bigger than me and then I feel like the biggest fattie in the world when I'm around girls who are of normal weight...
I know that 30lbs ago, I would have BEGGED to be the weight I am now, and I am at my weight and I'm BEGGING to be other people's weight....
It doesn't really bug me unless it's a repeated and blatant attempt to get someone to call them thin or skinny or whatever they prefer. I knew a girl in high school who did that all the time, and for me it got old very fast.
You didnt actually say why it DOES make you mad. You noted you werent judging, etc, but still...
The reality is people *feel* at at all different weights. If I bloat up or eat off plan, or even just have a lousy day I can sometimes FEEL fat. I might even say it or post about it.
Now - I wouldnt during those moments argue that Im overweight.
But I think what intrigues me about your whole post is that you seem to view fat as a physical state of being *exclusively*.
I tend to view fat as almost exclusively being wrapped up in perceptions (mine and others....).
You didnt actually say why it DOES make you mad. You noted you werent judging, etc, but still...
100% my own insecurity. If they are fat then I *must* still be fat. Of course, I know this is ridiculous and that our self image is just that our self image, but it's still hard when I see someone calling themselves fat or whatever other adjective you want when we are of similar height and weight. Mostly because I generally don't think I'm fat and it makes me second guess how I see myself.
I think caring less about what other think about me or how they view me is something I need to seriously work on. But what's really funny is that when I was heavier I actually cared a lot less about what others thought...hmmm...I feel another post coming.
It doesn't bother me, it makes me realize that pretty much everyone has insecurities. Plus, we are always our own worst critics.There is so much commonality, no matter what a person's weight is.
Last edited by My Michelle; 10-11-2010 at 03:14 PM.
It doesn't bother me at all; but I think my perspective has changed. At 130 if I were to gain a few pounds I would probably feel a bit chubby even though I would still be at a healthy weight. My pants would no longer fit and I think it would be more noticeable. When I was at my heaviest I didn't really have those feelings and never complained about being obese. I certainly didn't love it; but didn't feel as aware of the extra pounds like I would now.
I wouldn't complain about it out loud because I do think it would be insensitive to others.
I think it's all relative. When I was 225 and my friend is 300+ and I felt self-conscious saying I was overweight around her. Because she probably would have liked to be 225- but bottom line is I was and am overweight. A healthy weight for me is under 150. I just don't talk about it with people much anymore, to avoid inadvertently creating friction, and I try not to be upset if someone thinner than me says they feel fat.
YES. I think for many people "fat" begins at THEIR weight, and you aren't allowed to express your feelings about your own because it's lower and your feelings don't count unless you're THEIR level of fat. When I am *****ing and moaning about my own body, it has nothing to do with anyone else. I love my friends the way they are, and I don't care if they're heavier or lighter than I am. My feelings about MY body and not liking MYSELF the way I am have nothing to do with anyone else.
I hate that I feel like an ******* because I turn down a dinner invite from a friend because I'm currently on a super-strict diet, measuring and eating at home, to shed some pounds before Halloween. I shouldn't feel like an ******* because I have to try to figure out how to tell her (or anyone else) I'm trying to shed some weight, because *gasp* i'm smaller than they are, and how dare I be dissatisfied... I just hate that entire train of thought. Ugh.
I 110% agree!
The whole thing bugs me. Who's to say that skinny people don't have "feeling fat" days? Just because you're bigger then me doesn't negate these feelings I may have. And I'm not saying a thing about your own body no matter how much your insecurities try to make it that way.
I've never been officially overweight. Therefore my frame of reference is different. At 129, my highest weight, I acknowledge that I was not medically fat. Just the other day a friend asked me if I have ever been fat and I replied, "No." I get that. In fact, as an athlete, at 129 I was fit. But I did not feel thin or even comfortable in my skin. It's all relative. Knowing intellectually that I was not fat did not stop me from struggling with my self image, especially after I had seen myself at 113 and regained to 129. It was that much harder to be at my highest weight once I had seen what I could look like if I tried. It became well outside my comfort zone.
That said, though, I never went around advertising to people that I thought I needed to lose 20 pounds. I kept that to myself because I knew how it would sound if I said it out loud. I never called myself fat or even overweight. In fact, I tended to dress carefully to make myself look the thinnest that I could. I wanted people to think me thin even if I didn't feel that way. In fact, I suspect that most of the people I know don't even realize I have lost more than 20 pounds because I have always been careful to dress my body well. I know what looks good on me and what doesn't.
Last edited by Petite Powerhouse; 10-11-2010 at 06:37 PM.
I only mind if someone is really full of loathing about not just their weight, but fat people in general--"I feel like such a fat***" or "I look like a total fatty these days", or as Eliana referred to, "I am such a cow". I really, really don't like degenerating terms for fat people, and when someone applies those terms to themselves, it makes me wonder if they apply them to me, as well.
It's ok to say "I don't like how I look". It's hurtful to say "I don't want to look like one of them." People that use terms like that, even about themselves, tend to, IME, think that "fatties" are sub-human, degenerate weak-willed slobs who can't control themselves and stuff themselves with junk food every night. So when someone uses those terms to describe themselves, I always suspect they use those terms to describe others, as well, when I am not around.
I used to wonder how people would complain about putting on a few pounds and needing to lose them when they weren't *fat*.
But now I understand - fully and completely.
When I put on 5 lbs or 10 - I am not happy with myself. My clothes don't fit me the same, I'm a bit stressed and it's just not comfortable. The difference is though, that I never talk about it with my friends really. I keep it to myself (or discuss here at 3FC). Nobody wants to hear about someone who's lost 165 lbs and has put a couple back on. No one. And quite frankly, I don't want to discuss it with them either.
I also did think it was kinda rude, back in the day when I was so heavy that people would mention, always in a group mind you, that they needed to lose weight. It made me feel very uncomfortable. In fact, I used to cringe when conversations like that came up - weight, exercise, eating well. Oh how I hated those discussions and silently prayed that they would end quickly.
It bothers me for no other reason than that I get tired of people being constant downers. Yes, it's valid what you feel and it's valid what I feel. Say what you feel and I'll acknowledge it. But don't whine about it over and over again, day after day, week after week. I don't want to have to listen to YOUR insecurities on a regular basis. The occasional rant and rave is perfectly normal. Just don't make it a daily habit where it starts putting a damper on those around you. I prefer to surround myself with positive people in general though.
It's online that I get my feathers out of order, and seriously I wish it wasn't so!
