I've been a long-time lurker..have been scared of making this post for a fair while..lol. I know it's kinda the opposite of what 3FC is for, but I've always been underweight, & have learnt a great deal here about focussing on making healthy choices, and about the kinds of struggles that many people who are losing weight can have. Thank-you.
My underweight-ness (?!) is a result of both medical conditions & what I guess I'm coming to admit are quite substantial "issues" with food / weight / control / anger. Please don't misunderstand me...I *am* scared of gaining weight, but NOT because I believe people who are overweight have any less value or anything such. I can't explain why I have the fear, only that I don't mean for my problems to come across as an insult to anyone here :-\ I have great admiration for folks who have managed to take control of their lives, for the better.
To get to the point.... My Dad is someone who has been overweight or obese for as long as I can remember, & has long had Type II Diabetes (now on insulin). For a very long time, it has seemed *to me* that he doesn't care about getting healthy, & it has always seemed (*to me*) that he has made many excuses about decisions that actively harm him (e.g., "It's a special occasion" = eating everything in sight). He has many consequences of diabetes, & it hurts to see him suffering physically. It makes me angry that he was born with a body that worked fine, & he has essentially ruined it.... BUT, I GET that *that* isn't how it is, it's my perception; I get that it's not easy for him, physically or emotionally, & he would not choose this path actively. Please understand, I love him...and I hate that our relationship is not good.
I've read here a lot over the last couple of years, & I can see him in "your" suffering. I have learnt that it is not easy for him to not gulp down food at a million miles an hour; yet I struggle with not feeling angry or like he's a pig (again, MY perception, MY anger/food issues, & I would NEVER say it to him...I hate myself for even thinking it). I have learnt that he is not trying to be childish or (again) a "pig" by raiding food when he thinks we're all asleep...I understand that he probably feels a great deal of shame about it, & I really wish I could take that away from him. I'm not into sweets much, but I enjoy cooking, taking care of my folks...but I have learnt to rarely do sweets or such, because I don't want to put the temptation there; I have learnt now how difficult many folks find portion control. And so on... I have a lot to thank you all for.
What I hope you guys can help me out with is, please, how can I support him best? He seems to be making a real effort this time, to lose some weight and get fitter, and I just want him to feel like a success, you know? He is taking a long walk most mornings now, and even though he is still making some poor food choices, still conducting night fridge-raids, & so on, he is Trying. He has lost about 5kg in the past few months, says he's feeling better physically. I'm really proud of him. I don't want him to go back to feeling rubbish...but I don't know how to support him, & I know that my own food & anger problems aren't making it easy, but I want to Try, too, to help him, because he doesn't get a lot of support for it elsewhere.
My family eats quite healthily, but we don't have *no* junk in the house. I'm sure he knows when he's making poor decisions, & I don't say anything (& I try to discourage my Mum from saying things, too...not always with success). We aren't a family that discusses anything emotional, so practical stuff is really the only way I can help him. Besides trying to keep my smart mouth / anger to myself, & not saying anything much about his food choices (except occasionally if we're discussing something in particular, casually)...I don't know what else to do to make things easier for him.
Any suggestions would be Very Welcome... I'm sorry this got so long! I very much hope I haven't offended anyone; I have big respect for you guys.
Hey TinSoldier, I'll try to give what little advise I can. I'm sure others will come along with more as well.
First, I want to say that I think its great that you are trying so hard to understand how mentally and emotionally complicated this can be and that you are trying to balance your own anger with your love for your dad. Understand that your emotions are real, and you deserve them. Even though I've become obese myself over the past 3 years, I still have similar feelings towards my sister because she has several chronic medical conditions on top of being obese. I think we have this feeling of anger because we love them and want them to be around as long as possible and we fear that they are not doing everything they can to make that happen. At the same time, I think keeping some of that to ourselves is important too, so we don't make end up making it harder for them.
Now, for what you can do to help. My sister actually lost a lot of weight in high school by watching what she ate and taking daily walks like your dad is doing. One thing that was very helpful for her was that her good friend, who was very thin, often went on the walks with her. If you think your dad would like spending that time with you and you have it, you could ofter to walk with him. Having other people involved in your exercise routine makes some people less likely to put it off or skip it. Besides I think doing a little walking is good for everyone, big or small ;D Now, he might prefer to do it alone, and if he does, don't push, but making an ofter saying that you want to be a little more active too could mean a lot to him.
Another thing, since you say you like to cook, you might be able to find some good healthy recipes that bare a resemblance to the things he likes to snack on. Who knows, he might end up loving a few of them and make the switch. Keep in mind though, you can't make him do things and you can't do everything for him. Keep suggestions low pressure, especially since he's already taken some initiative himself and lost 5kg, which is great. You want to be supportive, not pushy. Just remember, any changes have to come from him or else they won't stick.
Finally, positive reinforcement is really helpful. I'm sure you know this, but if, say, he mentions that he's feeling better now, tell him that you can tell and that you think he's doing great. I know for me, other people noticing my results feels great, lets me know that my hard work is paying off and motivates me to keep going.
(One more thing. I hope you don't mind, since I have no idea what 'issues' you have with food yourself, but I just want to throw this out there. Good nutrition is good nutrition for people no matter what weight. You can apply a lot of what you learn to yourself as well. It might help take some of the emotional baggage away from food for you.)
You sound quite sweet, actually. I love that you care so much about your dad's health. It's normal to have those kinds of feelings, I think. But I also think it's good you keep them to yourself. You probably feel some anger toward your dad because it SEEMS as though he's putting his desire for a cookie ahead of his desire to spend an extra year with you. It doesn't quite work that way, obviously, but I know the feeling.
My parents are in their early 60's and it seems like the majority of that generation and above are in a nutrition rut. They've trusted the government to put safe food on their plates and never questioned what was in it. And what IS in it? Addictive crap. That's my opinion. A lifetime of eating addictive crap is pretty hard to overcome.
I find education is key, for me at least. I face this same issue with my mom. Her diet is a MESS! But her history is a lengthy, lengthy story. For such an intelligent woman, she is completely ignorant when it comes to food. She has no idea how food affects her ability to function. I honestly think most people don't understand the most basic biology with regards to food and digestion.
Perhaps just throwing in a random food fact now and then could help, and maybe that would strike up a conversation about healthy foods.
You've asked how to be supportive, but it doesn't seem like you're quite in the supportive role just yet. It doesn't sound like he's crossed the line in trying yet. Once he does, then you can be supportive. And unfortunately, it's go to be his decision.
Thank-you both for your thoughts, I really appreciate it. And thank-you for understanding the anger thing. To be honest, it is mostly unrelated to him, but this is just an easy trigger, I guess. I am trying to fix it, but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one to feel like this about someone they love being overweight/unwell.
Eliana, he really is trying this time, more than he has before. He still buries his head in the sand & eats various "junk", but he does seem more aware that refined carbs & high fat aren't so good for him (esp. because he's diabetic). Yes, he infuriates me with a lot of his choices, with his night-raids & so on, but I can see him trying, for the most part. He is still quite inactive for the most part, but he IS taking a long walk most early mornings. I'm real proud of him for that, because it was causing him a lot of pain early on. It's not perfect, but I don't expect him to be, you know? I do wish he could get his act together more, but it's because his health isn't great, and I can see that he's not always doing well, emotionally. [Though I'm not uncommonly the cause of that :-\ ]. Thanks for the thought about throwing out random "food facts". We do talk a bit about stuff like that these days, like I might bring up if I was reading some research piece or whatever, because we find it easier to talk about stuff from an academic/scientific/political standpoint than a personal one - but it does get info across, & I hope he doesn't feel like I'm pushy about it.
Flash, when my mum or I cook (one of us always does the dinner), it is always quite healthy (no butter, minimal oil, no salt, low sugar, loads of veg + protein, etc.). He started talking about lowering his carb intake a while ago, so I always try to have low-carb stuff that's tasty but I need to "high-carb" it, so the best I can do is give him choices...and worry when he piles up on carbs :-\ I don't say anything to him about it, but I always wonder whether there's something I can do to make the lower-carb options more appealing to him? I can see him making an effort & I know it has to be his choice, but I'd like to help him if I can...
Re. walking, I would very much like to join him, but I am not medically fit to right now, & that's not something I'm allowed to improve by exercising at this point. But I do try to encourage him...Like, if he says his feet hurt less than they used to or he's able to walk for longer, I try to always tell him "that's great, cool how something like just going for a walk can make you feel so much better", or something...I'm not sure it always comes across how I mean it, but it's really good to hear that that kind of comment might be helpful for him; I wasn't sure.
And..re. good nutrition important being for everyone, Flash - you're right. My head knows it, but tbh, it's hard to feel like I deserve it. I came here when I freaked myself out a bit, hanging out on umm.. pro-ana websites...came here for different ideas on how to lose, but 3FC folks have helped me focus more on making healthier choices. Thank-you again for your thoughts.
How to best support someone? (Long, sorry)
I love that you care so much about your dad's health. It's normal to have those kinds of feelings, I think. But I also think it's good you keep them to yourself. You probably feel some anger toward your dad because it SEEMS as though he's putting his desire for a cookie ahead of his desire to spend an extra year with you. It doesn't quite work that way, obviously, but I know the feeling.
