I'm sure most people here have significant others, family members, whatever - around you while you are doing this whole weight loss thing.
My bf and I have had a lot of issues about it. He is also significantly overweight. I do not know exactly how much, but I would guess he is near 300lbs, most of it was gained after we got together. He used to be a marine though, and is very workout conscious - and equally skeptical/judgmental/discouraging of my efforts.
Initially, it was an issue of him not seeing progress as quickly as he felt he should. (My diet wasn't right, so although I was going to the gym - eating fast food everyday really inhibited weight loss).
Then, it turned into a communication issue - he was saying that he couldn't be expected to be supportive, or be happy for me fitting into a size smaller, or whatever, if he didn't know ahead of time that I was working towards that goal. (I could come to him and say "wow! these jeans fit me and they didn't before!" and he feels that unless he knew I was trying to do that, he shouldn't be expected to really respond to it.)
So after the last time, I've tried to be very clear cut about my EXACT goals, efforts, successes and challenges - constantly. However, despite the fact that I'm losing inches like crazy, my weight is lower, a bunch of people are noticing that I'm losing weight, he still isn't satisfied. You see, I wear make up to the gym. I have such self esteem issues that I don't feel comfortable leaving the house without some eye liner and powder - If i don't like my body, at least I can try my best to make my face look good! Especially if I am at a gym around a bunch of skinny girls! He takes a HUGE issue with me wearing make up to the gym.
Last night, he tells me "I'm not saying I don't believe you are going to the gym. I'm not saying I don't believe you are really working out as much as you say you are. BUT, you wear make up to work out, you come home 3 hours later and tell me all about how hard you've worked - but your make up is still there. 1.) I've never heard of anyone working out for 3 hours. Only professional athletes and military. You are not in good shape and I have NEVER seen anyone work out like you saw you are. 2.) Your make up is still on your face when you come home and it isn't streaked everywhere and if you are working out, your make up wouldn't be there like it is - unless you are a medical miracle and don't sweat." He insisted that he wasn't telling me he doubted me, he is just "stating the truth and making observations".... I can't help but feel he is undermining me, or... I dunno - SOMETHING.
I explain to him that I AM working out as much as I say I am. I *am* working very hard. I *am* maintaining my heart rate. I *AM* sweating, but I am just not a drip-sweat kind of girl. I get moist, my face gets red, but I don't pour sweat. I doesn't mean I'm not working out at 110% and my make up doesn't streak because I buy high-end waterproof make up. I am sharing all of my work out details because I'm trying to get support at home for what I'm doing. But, it just never seems like it's enough to make him happy or proud, or... anything. Naturally, the whole conversation made me very upset and I cried. He tells me that I'm "irrational and too emotional about it" and that I "shouldn't take any of it personally because he is just telling me the truth and making observations that are true, so I shouldn't take it personally." He also says that if I am working as hard as I am telling him that I am, that his criticism shouldn't matter to me and should not effect me. - But I can't help it - IT DOES!
I invited him to come to the gym to monitor me, if that is what it would take. He declined. I have tried to get him to come work out with me anyway because he complains about his weight so much and says he is so unhappy with it too - but he never does. I bought him a new mp3 player and a gym membership when he showed interest in working out, but after keeping the membership for 2 months and it never being used - I canceled the membership because it was a waste of money. I am using the free gym thats in my apartment complex and invite him to use it too, but he never has.
I just feel so bad about it all. I just want him to be proud of me, to recognize how hard I am working. I feel like I'm jumping through hoops to try to find the right balance of how I should be eating, how I should be losing weight and how I should be working out to make him satisfied because he always has such awful things to say when I wasn't actively trying to lose weight. I want him to see that I'm making the changes, but even kicking my own butt in the gym for 2-3 hours a day, everyday - isn't good enough because I have make up on that doesn't streak and he doesn't think I'm capable of working out like I am doing.
I just don't know what to do.... It's not going to make me stop going, but it is a terrible feeling to be working out so hard and to know that the person that initially spurred my desire to lose weight and started making me feel self conscious about myself in the first place is always at home and doesn't believe my efforts is an awful place to be in.
No, I can't say I have any of these issues. My hubs and friends/family don't go out of their way to comment or say much, but it doesn't mean they are not totally supportive. To me, your BF is being very unsupportive. It would be better for him to keep his observations to himself rather than cut you down.
One thing that I have concluded is that I need to do this for me, and me alone, and that means supporting myself and praising myself.
You are doing what you need to do to be healthy and happy, and shouldn't need anyone to justify that. Stop jumping through hoops to try to make your BF happy with YOUR efforts. Do this for you.
It sounds to me like he has his own issues, and should work on those, rather than telling you what you are doing wrong.
I hope you stay strong and keep yourself going and doing this for you. You deserve it, and don't let anyone make you feel bad.
I feel for you. It sounds like you are doing everything right. Even asking him to come work out with you so he can see your workouts.
One thing to keep in mind - could he be feeling his own insecurities himself. If he is self conscious about his weight, he could be feeling you might move on once you lose weight and people start complimenting you and looking at you. It is quite common that spouses or significant others can sabotage weight loss efforts for fear of their loved ones moving on.
If I were in your shoes, I'd bluntly ask him what I need to do to make him believe me and support me. But, I tend to be blunt like that.
I feel for you. It sounds like you are doing everything right. Even asking him to come work out with you so he can see your workouts.
One thing to keep in mind - could he be feeling his own insecurities himself. If he is self conscious about his weight, he could be feeling you might move on once you lose weight and people start complimenting you and looking at you. It is quite common that spouses or significant others can sabotage weight loss efforts for fear of their loved ones moving on.
If I were in your shoes, I'd bluntly ask him what I need to do to make him believe me and support me. But, I tend to be blunt like that.
I hope you can find something to help
I deffinately think the bolded may be part of the problem. He may be afraid that by becoming thinner you'll become more attractive to other men and leave him. I think his doubting that you're actually going to the gym is a huge sign of this. The way you worded your post, it's almost like he's beating around the bush at accusing you of being unfaithful.
And his comments about "observing the truth" and therefore you "shouldn't take it personally" is a bunch of BS. Why *shouldn't* you be offended that he's beating down your admirable, and not-at-all-unreasonable efforts to become healthier? He's trying to pawn off HIS problem (his own weight issues) onto YOU, and that is totally not right.
Do this for YOU, girl! YOU are the one who has to live with the weight every day. You're the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror every day. And ultimately, it is YOUR life. He's just along for the ride, for now. If he *really* wants you to lose weight and be healthier, he'll be SUPPORTIVE of you and your efforts, regardless of if he agrees with them or not, and he wouldn't be throwing up these completely ridiculous "hoops" for you to jump through (because they're really roadblocks, IMO).
Honestly, I'd make the whole topic totally off limits for both of you: don't look to him for support or encouragement, and tell him to keep any opinions he has to himself. He clearly isn't capable of being supportive. In six months, you can revisit the issue.
It worries me that he doesn't seem to think much of your character, and in fact seems to be going out of his way to find "evidence" of malingering on your part. When you try to discuss it, he gets angry and defensive and tries to "win" the argument by making you feel bad about yourself (you "shouldn't take it personally" and you are "too emotional") If this is a pattern in a lot of areas of your relationship, I would seriously reconsider it--do you want to have these sorts of conversations around every life event? What kind of father will this man be?
If, on the other hand, weight loss/exercise is just the one area where he's kinda weird and unrealistic and irrational, then I would just make it an area of your lives that you don't share.
I know your boyfriend is part of your life but if he can't be supportive, then ignore him. Do this for you! This journey is all about you and making yourself healthier. You know you are on the right track. Don't give up! Keep up the good work.
Wow...Can we say issues?? Your boyfriend sounds like a totaly jealous jerkwad. He used to be in the military...so the freak what? He's 300 freaking pounds and rather than doing anything about it, he tries to dash your efforts and feelings into the dirt. I'm with Xuzi on this. I think he's trying to accuse you of cheating on him. I mean, if he can't scrape himself off the couch and go workout, than how can you?
sorry...don't mean to be so harsh on him, but really ticks me off that he can be so thoughtless. Is he even a nice guy at all? Is this the only sore spot in your relationship? Hopefully it is. Maybe he might dust himself off someday and try to lose weight.
If he continues to be a jerk, well, you are not married....
I think this is actually pretty common, as sad as that sounds.
Your weight loss affects your relationship with the people around you, especially with your BF, and since he has his own weight loss issues it is likely that your ACTION is making him feel threatened or insecure.
I'm not excusing his behaviour for a second, but put yourself in his shoes for a moment... maybe he's thinking "Will she still love me when she's slim?"
Right now, with you both having excess weight, it's a comfortable kind of place in the relationship. Maybe you've enjoyed the fast food together, curling up to watch movies with snacks, etc.. and you've both put weight on. Now that you're working on losing weight, you've shifted the whole dynamics of your relationship.
And while you want to encourage him to lose weight too, especially since he's admitting he's unhappy with it, that reinforces his fear that you'll ditch him if he stays big.
Try to take the higher ground and reassure him that you love him just as he is. Keep inviting him to work out with you but don't make it a big issue - he has to reach a point where he decides to do it on his own.
This may sound harsh and I apologize if I hurt your feelings, but your boyfriend doesn't respect you. I think there are much more serious issues in the relationship than just how he treats your weight loss. If a man is able to openly criticize you without even bothering to pretend it's because he cares, he has checked out of the relationship. He doesn't support you because he no longer cares. He won't believe you no matter what you do because he's not interested anymore. You've noticed it yourself. You said he "couldn't be expected to be supportive" and "it just never seems like it's enough to make him happy or proud, or... anything." You've also admitted that he insults and degrades you before you started dieting. If you remain with this man, you will not be able to satisfy him. Nothing you do will satisfy him. If you don't change your goals to make weight loss about yourself, you put your diet and exercise routine in jeopardy. Please take some time and consider if this is a relationship you want in your life. No one deserves to be treated poorly. You deserve someone who jumps in the air with you when you put on pants that never fit before. You want someone who tells you you look great when you leave and come back from the gym. You want someone who supports your dreams and goals and makes you feel beautiful. You absolutely can find this man, but you won't find it in the guy you're with.
I just feel so bad about it all. I just want him to be proud of me, to recognize how hard I am working. I feel like I'm jumping through hoops to try to find the right balance of how I should be eating, how I should be losing weight and how I should be working out to make him satisfied because he always has such awful things to say when I wasn't actively trying to lose weight. I want him to see that I'm making the changes, but even kicking my own butt in the gym for 2-3 hours a day, everyday - isn't good enough because I have make up on that doesn't streak and he doesn't think I'm capable of working out like I am doing.
It's none of his business. YOU'RE the one losing weight, YOU'RE the one going to the gym. If your workouts and dieting revolve around making him happy and he's just sitting on his backside criticising without doing anything, then that has to change. It really is none of his business what you do. You're doing this for yourself, not for him.
If he wants to lose his own weight, he will. But it seems like he won't and he resents you doing it because he knows he's a lazy little sod and he just wants to watch you fail so he can feel better about his own failings.
So sorry to sound harsh, but he's not supporting you at all through one of your biggest life changes. If it was me in this situation, I'd tell him to either man up and start coming to the gym with me, or shut up, pack his bags and go home to mummy.
You don't need a man like this around you when you're doing something like losing weight. If he can't be supportive, then drop him like a shot. I've lost a lot of friends through my weightloss for very much the same reasons. Think of losing weight as a cleansing exercise - you're becoming a new person, and if certain aspects of your old, heavier life have to change (and that includes boyfriends) so be it.
But yes, issue an ultimatum - either he supports you or he (or you) leaves.
Once a Marine, always a Marine. He has a Marine's workout ethic... and that is not what you need.
My suggestion, FWIW, would be that you let go of your need to have his approval. If you need support, find a support group of others who are trying to lose weight. He's not supporting you, he's discouraging you.
More suggestions:
- Cut out the fast food. I would guess you have no idea how much you are eating in terms of total calories, but fast food will shoot you over the top regardless.
- Drink more water. A lot of people are underhydrated. By "more" I mean aim for 8, 8-oz. glasses in a day, or 64 ounces. Other beverages do count, but try for more water and less soda.
- Do reasonable workouts. I don't know why you are doing 3-hour workouts anyway! You should be exercising 5 or 6 days a week (with a break day in the middle), but an hour and a half is probably enough. Try to split up your activity--say, do a half hour walk in the morning, and an hour at the gym in the afternoon or whenever it is you go.
It's none of his business. YOU'RE the one losing weight, YOU'RE the one going to the gym. If your workouts and dieting revolve around making him happy and he's just sitting on his backside criticising without doing anything, then that has to change. It really is none of his business what you do. You're doing this for yourself, not for him.
If he wants to lose his own weight, he will. But it seems like he won't and he resents you doing it because he knows he's a lazy little sod and he just wants to watch you fail so he can feel better about his own failings.
So sorry to sound harsh, but he's not supporting you at all through one of your biggest life changes. If it was me in this situation, I'd tell him to either man up and start coming to the gym with me, or shut up, pack his bags and go home to mummy.
You don't need a man like this around you when you're doing something like losing weight. If he can't be supportive, then drop him like a shot. I've lost a lot of friends through my weightloss for very much the same reasons. Think of losing weight as a cleansing exercise - you're becoming a new person, and if certain aspects of your old, heavier life have to change (and that includes boyfriends) so be it.
But yes, issue an ultimatum - either he supports you or he (or you) leaves.
I totally agree!
I would have absolutely NO time for a man like this. You know, there are really decent men out there and you do not have to compromise. I literally cannot imagine my boyfriend treating me like this, he has too much respect for me and my life. You are worth more and you will get more as soon as you start expecting it!
On a side note - what's the big deal about wearing makeup all the time? For me it's part of my morning routine and I think very little about it. Just like putting underwear on. Later on in the day, I work out without taking it off, and when I'm done, I'm still wearing it. At the end of the day I remove it properly and re-apply in the morning. It doesn't just magically melt off my face because I get a little sweaty! Next he'll be criticizing you for breathing too often or something.
Yeah... I 2nd, 3rd, 4th, one millionth times agree with what the other ladies have said.
Do not stand around and let him treat you like this! I'm married to a military man so I know how it is. But he also knows it's NEVER okay to disrespect me (that's what your BF is doing here) or to make a single comment about anything I'm trying to do to make myself healthier, unless he plans to be supportive. The way he's treating you is NOT okay, on any planet. Don't let him do that!
He obviously doesn't respect himself enough to take care of his body... why should he have ANY say on the measures you're trying to make to take care of yours?
Girl, if I were you... I'd be lacing up my walking shoes, putting on my waterproof mascara, and walking out the door! You deserve so much better than this! You are worth it!
He sounds controlling to me! Are you sure this is someone you want to spend your time with? He isn't supportive unless you say things the right way? etc, etc, etc...
Ugh
wowza.
If this is the only problem area in your relationship, ok..If its happening in OTHERS which i'm going to assume it is.. usually men like that are disrespectful, controlling in all parts of the relationship.
Something that really stood out to me in your post was this -
Quote:
Initially, it was an issue of him not seeing progress as quickly as he felt he should.
Him saying things JUST like that make me think that he acts like this in many if not all places in your relationship. Marine or not (just because a person is a marine or in the army doesnt make it ok for them to be an A-hole)
You need to do this for you, WHO gives a F if you wear make up when you work out, that is YOUR choice. I do it! Not only that hasnt he ever heard there might be a WASHROOM there? where you can TOUCH UP your make up after your done?
A person should NEVER have to justify what you are right now. Your bf sounds like he wants to be in control. Most men that do, LOVE a woman with low self esteem and now he sees you getting some confidence he wants to smite it. Why? it ruins his plan of controlling you.
I'm sure i should say something like "oh im sure hes a great guy..etc etc" Butttt i can't. Ive known ALOT of men like this a cousin is married to one and let me tell you, it starts this way and generally gets worse. Ok it almost ALWAYS gets worse. That and ive got no tolerance for men OR women that are like this. They seem to "prey" on sweet girls/guys with low self esteem or just no confidence, to me that is a terrible person.
I know we're not all saying "drop that F'er like a rock" but its really something to think about, i mean.. for something as SIMPLE as weight loss - he reacts like this? Whats going to happen when its something BIG?
KEEP YOUR HEAD UP YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS. NO ONE DOES.
Last edited by luciddepths; 06-20-2010 at 12:31 PM.
BF rant...(long)
I know your boyfriend is part of your life but if he can't be supportive, then ignore him. Do this for you! This journey is all about you and making yourself healthier. You know you are on the right track. Don't give up! Keep up the good work.
YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS. NO ONE DOES.
