I agree with what pretty much everyone else has said. He's afraid because you're changing the dynamics of the relationship and he feels threatened. You're working hard to be successful (and you are working hard. My mom had a personal trainer that would totally kick her butt in the gym, but she's just not a person who sweats. The amount person sweats is based on the amount of sweat their sweat glands produce. It's hormonally regulated and varies from person to person. It has nothing to do with heart rate or makeup running or not running. That's bull.)

He's totally undermining your efforts because he's insecure and is afraid you're going to excel and outgrow the relationship and he'll be left 300lbs and alone because he couldn't get his butt off the couch.

You've done your part, you've tried to include him in this and he doesn't want to be include. I say you declare the topic off limits. You're not going to get support from him like this. Maybe if you give him some time he'll come around, but for now I'd say the topic of diet and exercise is off limits.

And you're doing awesome.

Ugh, this sucks.

1. I wouldn't discuss details with him anymore. Yeah, you work out and that's a part of your day, but no way should you have to debate facts or defend yourself that you really do wear waterproof makeup.

2. You don't look like you work out 2-3 hours a day, really? Well, I didn't look like I worked out 1.5+ hours a day. Not for a long while. Now I do. Your results will speak for themselves. Keep on keeping on.

I feel like your BF can think these things, but he shouldn't be saying it (#2) or saying it more than teasing a time or two (#1). It's just not right.

For now, you should probably just tell him that firmly, once (probably you already told him how this makes you feel) and then stop getting into it. But I hope he knocks it off.

A note to the bigger issue of doubting your effort(s) ... I know my husband did doubt my tenacity, though he never said so. I know this because he was careful to be reserved, not *too* encouraging or excited (lest he make me feel bad about being so overweight, as I knew and he explained later).

I understood he was cautious because he had seen me try and give up several times, but once he did see my serious results and continued commitment he was very full of admiration and encouragement.

I'm not going to say that your BF is a jerk, but in any case he's outta line with this outright nitpicking, discouraging type of attitude. Hopefully he cools it & does get supportive -- you should expect that.

I just re-read your post and saw that you actually cried and he made it all about you for being upset. Wow, so that sucks even more than what I thought this was. Now I'm kind of pissed.

Sigh. Welll, it comes from within. Just ... go turn heads ;-)

Sounds like you are doing great so far, btw. I hope this stuff won't derail you at a critical point (or what was a critical point, timewise, for me).

Thanks for all of the support guys - i *REALLY* needed to hear it!!!!

He is, generally speaking, a good guy. We certainly have our issues like most people do, but it is very true that every time its about weight loss, he tells me he wants me to lose weight, but then gets very critical when I do - he probably is feeling threatened by it. I will just make it a topic that we do not discuss, and keep going on my own, the way that makes me feel good.

Last night, (the night following the discussion) he told me he wanted to do something special for me, and went to the store picking up lobster tails and sweet corn. Then he made me a dinner of steamed lobster and corn with fresh green iced tea, asking if it was in my calorie range and if it would work into the diet. So I thought that was certainly a positive step.

I think it is obvious your boyfriend is insecure. Just stay on track for you - and if he comes along for the ride then great. He may not be the one for you. If he is perhaps he will eventually come on board and become your partner in health. Meanwhile, do what you have to do!

I have some of these issues with my bf. I agree with the other posts re dynamics. without knowing you or him personally, and going by what you posted (and my somewhat like experiences), I'd say consider this: while I do think it's important to accommodate your partner's emotional state, I also think it's important to not let your partner emotionally bully you.

I wear make up to the gym, I take 2 to 3 hours when I go, and I don't sweat it all off (and I sweat). You don't have to kill yourself convincing him of the truth of this (you're not on trial). don't be afraid to put some breaks/limits on his bad behavior, in a nice, self protective way: "hey, that's out of line and I don't appreciate it." then move on and don't dwell on it. if you don't play guilty and placating, I'd imagine it will put out some of the self justification flames on his end, if you catch my drift. sometimes we need to carefully show someone (even or maybe esp the ones we love) how to treat us correctly.

guys tend to have a much tougher time expressing their needs and emotions, and I'm sure his being a marine, it's such a macho culture, adds even more challenges for him. I'm sure he wants to look good and be someone you can be proud to be with. the extra weight can't possible feel good to him, esp after having been as fit as he must have been at one point as a marine.

a good Q for bf (and it's actually rhetorical, might pull him up short and make him think when he's alone and in a calm state): why would you not want me to lose weight, feel and be healthier, have more self confidence and have a happier life?

good luck with everything and congrats on all the progress you've made!!!

my husband isn't entirely supportive and has said some pretty hurtful things to me under the guise of "calling it like he sees it"
The thing I'm learning though, is he actually thinks he IS being supportive, and i'm wondering- given your boyfriends military background- if maybe in some backwards way he thinks he is helping?

that said- the whole veiled accusation of cheating on him, making you cry and not respecting you... this is bothersome. And honestly- so is the special dinner. How many times have you heard of abusive men that are in the cycle with their s/o of abusing then making up for it with gifts, being really nice, whatever- only to go right back to being abusive. just something to think about, especially if it ever gets more serious. be careful, think of your own well-being right now above everything else. and like the other gals said- the topic should be off limits from now on.

Related to this: notice if his expectations about the "special dinner" are unrealistic--like in a few days he gets upset because you didn't appreciate it enough, or didn't react correctly, or something. Also, if in a week you mention some mild criticism (like, please don't leave dirty underwear on the bathroom floor) and he gets really angry and brings up how he did this nice thing for you but it doesn't make any difference blah blah blah.

Manipulators are really, really good at doing "nice" things only to make you pay for them ten times over. If he does that, it's a huge red flag.

I've never stuck out a weight loss plan because of my husband. Which is lame.
Every time I've made a change... started yoga, joined the gym, tried to cook healthier he has managed to turn it around and make me feel like I am not happy with *our* life. Slowly but surely I have let bad habits and laziness creep back into my life.
This time I am done with it. I have rejoined the gym, signed up for training, seriously started calorie counting. I even dyed my hair, and he hates it, but I don't care!
This is my time... time for me to get healthy before I turn 40. Time for me to have the body I have always wanted and have never had the discipline to earn. And honestly, if he can't truly support me in the thing in my life that will make me most happy, some serious decisions need to be made.
I feel better than I have in years. I look better than I have for a long time.
I'm getting checked out at the grocery store (and I haven't loss much so it must be my attitude and the healthy glow of exercise)

Make the changes for you, and hopefully he will follow along.

OK, I only skimmed the other posts, so I hope I'm not being repetitive.

I saw two big issues. 1) "You can't expect me to be supportive unless you tell me ahead of time what your goal was." 2) "He wants me to lose weight."

Regarding #1: What the heck?!?!?! No. Just, no. I'm sorry, maybe I'm wrong here, but if you are happy about achieving something, he should be happy for you. The fact that he is putting conditions on when he'll be supportive is just insane. And very, very worrisome about what that means on a larger scale. I would have told him, "My goal is weight loss. Anything that shows an achievement of that counts." Seriously, it does. And he should celebrate every single achievement with you.

So, in order to show support or praise, you must first specifically state that it is a goal? Man, I'd be such a smart-hiney about this. "I'm sorry honey, I would have told you that you did a good job with the bbq tonight, but as you didn't tell me that was your goal, I can't." "I can't tell you that your hair cut looks good. You didn't tell me that was your goal." "I'd praise you for getting us through that traffic nightmare, but you didn't tell me that was your goal."



Regarding #2: It seriously sounds like he is way too concerned with you losing weight. He really, really shouldn't care that much that you be skinnier. He should be supportive and helpful, not critical and judgemental. And he's being judgemental. Have you asked him, how would he feel if you gained weight? Would he still love you? I HOPE so, but seriously, this post makes me concerned that this question may be necessary to ask.

So, I totally agree that he is insecure. This is 100% some issue with himself. But it's kind of beside the fact, because this is toxic to you. I don't think this is just an issue of "don't talk about it" or ignore it, don't seek his approval. This is a cancer in your relationship. You're going to have to confront him about this and have a real conversation on the matter. Hopefully you can frame it in a good light, without accusations or more toxicity. But you may have to ask tough questions. And, please keep in mind the possibility that this could be a symptom of a bigger issue.

Maybe it is part of his marine mentality, that instead of praising what you achieve, he should push you (however roughly) to do more. You need to make him understand that this just isn't going to work for you.

Good luck! I truly believe anything can be bettered with the right conversation.

This is a little judgmental of me but I'm just going off this one post so.... He sounds like a mean, selfish person who is intentionally trying to hurt you. Who needs someone like that in their life? If he were my boyfriend I would make him my non-boyfriend if you get my drift.

Aside from that though, I'm assuming he has SOME redeeming qualities that make you want to stay with him despite him being so mean to you about the weight loss I would make this an off-limits issue between the 2 of you. Don't don't talk about it to him anymore and tell him you don't want to hear anything from him either. Tell him specifically that he only says mean things to you so you don't want to hear anything at all. You should't have to jump through hoops for him, you're losing this weight for YOU right? I understand why his support is important to you but obviously he's not willing to give it to you so I would just ignore him as far as the weight loss thing, make it a non-issue.

update?

The update...

Nothing has really changed much. I thought a lot about everyones assessment about him and took a step back to better inspect the relationship. He is a good guy, but I have been thinking a lot about how much I want to deal with this type of behavior long term...

I have a potential move coming up with work that may move me across the country and it is pretty unlikely that I will invite him to move with me... which will be hard because we have been living together for years... But... long term? He probably isn't very healthy for me to have around.

headturner, you are getting your head on straight!
I think just writing some of this down has helped you see some of the problems, even before people started responding. And any relationship can have problems, but other than saying "he's a pretty good guy" I haven't heard you say much about the good things he brings to the relationship. Maybe there are some great things you don't want to lose, but it also sounds like there are enough negatives you may not want to continue this relationship, and while the move may give it impetus, if you don't move cross country, you will have to decide where you stand with all this.
good luck, these big life changes are difficult.
I am working through a book called "full catastrophe living" as my personal life has been in some turmoil. (but with a loving and supportive husband). I highly recommend it.

The thing that bothers me is that "he doesn't believe you' . in what other areas does he not believe you ? This is a worrisome trait. Accusing you of not going to the gym because you still have makeup on would be a red flag to me. This is a very controlling, suspicious man., Is this what you want in your life ?