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Old 05-19-2010, 10:17 PM   #1  
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Default Okay-- dating, is that okay?

I have never mentioned this about myself-- Actually am extremely and totally in a state of denial, but I am trying to date and overweight, and soon to be meeting with another person who seems a tad overweight but nice -- I am freaked out. maybe the guys can give me a lifeline. I like the attitude, the mind, the beliefs, I am not totally attracted by the body but I know things can change. What do I do if I am not interested in the body but like other aspects-- humor, intelligence, thought pattern.
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Old 05-19-2010, 11:08 PM   #2  
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I think the older we get, the less crazed dating gets. I have been married for 22 years, and my husband frowns on my dating, but I do have single friends my own age who regularly date, and from what I have observed, and what they share with me, most of their dates are very mellow and relaxed. You have a good time, get to know each other and look for the spark. If there is no spark, maybe you see each other again, and see if a spark grows..Most of the time, they just turn into friends after a time, and both are good with that. A new friend is just as good as a new lover, I would think. so either way, you are a winner. And if the spark does come out of it...Well, bring on the spice, and try to behave yourself.

oh..on another note..It has been my experience, that initial attraction involving physical appearance tends to fade relatively quickly if there is nothing else appealing, but if someone touches you in many other ways with humor, etc, it is amazing how much more physically attractive a person can become to you.

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Old 05-19-2010, 11:11 PM   #3  
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I don't know if there's much you can do if you're not attracted to the person. Sure, attraction can grow over time, that's happened to me before, but sometimes there are men you just know you'll never be attracted to. For instance, I am on an online dating site, and just yesterday was contacted by a man 25 years older than me. I'm a cougar! Actually, I'm open to men who are a little bit older, but not 25 years! Besides the lack of physical attraction, he and I are at two different levels -- he's retired and I'm back at school, starting a new career. This could be a nice man, but not for me. Sorry for rambling, but I guess my point is, if there's no attraction for me, nothing will happen...ever. If I were in a relationship with someone I wasn't attracted to -say, for the sake of having someone in my life rather than be alone - I wouldn't want to cringe every time he touched me. I want someone who excites me, and it's not fair to the guy either...he deserves a woman who gets excited by him. This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately, I wish I knew how to politely say "thanks, but no thanks".

Anyway, you may become attracted to this guy...I can tell from experience it's happened to me, but I can also tell from experience that there are some men I'll never be attracted to. It's not all about looks, either. There are some men I find attractive, but aren't attracted to, and likely won't be. Some people are so nice we want to be attracted to them, we tell ourselves they have so many good qualities, that this guy is the perfect catch except there's no physical attraction. It's up to you, but if it were me, and no attraction develops, I'd put the guy into the "friend" pile.

Sorry to be rambling on, it's just that I've kind of been in the same boat lately and giving it a lot of thought!
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Old 05-19-2010, 11:31 PM   #4  
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The first date doesn't come with a life-time commitment obligation. Just as you can date someone and later decide they weren't as great on the inside as they seemed on the outside - you can also date someone and later decide that you like them, but there's no chemistry.

Sometime chemistry takes a while to develop. I do not believe that chemistry must be present at first sight, and thankfully because I never would have picked my hubby out of a catalog. I almost didn't go out with him at all, because he didn't at all seem to be my type (physically, socially, career-path wise....).

I had placed a personal ad, and I didn't reply to hubby's ad for about 6 weeks, but I kept listening to it (the personal ad was linked to a voice mail box), and he had ended with something to the effect that "even if we don't hit it off for romance, maybe we'll hit it off as friends."

I would say that it was several dates in that I started to see the romance potential. I was rather convinced at first that it was going to head more down the friend path.

You don't have to marry the guy, meet him and see what happens.

Last edited by kaplods; 05-19-2010 at 11:31 PM.
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Old 05-19-2010, 11:41 PM   #5  
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Dating is always a risk...but then so is every day....

take a chance...just make sure it's a "safe" chance....

you just never know what good things lie ahead...

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Old 05-19-2010, 11:44 PM   #6  
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I agree with Ookpik, I was once in a relationship where the guy was super sweet, he would lavish me with gifts BUT for the life of me......I wasn't physically attracted to him. I broke up with him several times and would go back thinking I was nuts because I'd never been with someone who did so much for me but once I would see him it hit me....he wasn't doing it for me.
I like guys to have a little meat on them....he was very thin.
So yeah, you can't force something to happen unless his personality really out weighs whatever you don't like about him physically.
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Old 05-20-2010, 09:03 AM   #7  
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What do I do if I am not interested in the body but like other aspects-- humor, intelligence, thought pattern.
You can choose to be friends. Or you can choose not to.

Don't overthink it, or overcomplicate it. Just go out and have fun for the first date and see what you think after.


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Old 05-20-2010, 01:30 PM   #8  
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I think it all really depends on your own personal preferences and priorities. For some people it would be a deal breaker to not be instantly physically attracted to someone. For others physical attraction is way down on their list.

When I was dating it really helped me to get a clear picture of what I wanted in a mate. How do you want someone to be physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, interest wise, etc? What are your "must haves" in a mate?

From my experience you really need to kiss a lot of toads before finding that prince so I would suggest taking a chance with someone by grabbing a cup of coffee or a short date. You can't really know until you try!
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Old 05-20-2010, 04:38 PM   #9  
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When I was 34, I did that cliche thing of being alone to find myself. So, for 4 years I didn't date and tried to develop my self-esteem. It was lonely at times, but it worked - I'm self-confident and extremely independent.

I thought dating would be a snap. Jumped into the pool at 38 and got devoured by sharks. Dating is hard. It feels like an endless line of job interviews. I met some nice guys and made some friends, but didn't meet that special someone.

I'm 40 and haven't had a boyfriend in 6 years. In a way, it's been amazing because I have this great social life & a few close friends. My lifestyle keeps me young and I never have to answer to anyone.

I plan on jumping into dating again in June. But deep in my heart, I think I will be just as happy being single for the rest of my life.
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Old 05-20-2010, 05:44 PM   #10  
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Originally Posted by TornadoSiren View Post
oh..on another note..It has been my experience, that initial attraction involving physical appearance tends to fade relatively quickly if there is nothing else appealing, but if someone touches you in many other ways with humor, etc, it is amazing how much more physically attractive a person can become to you.

this is absolutely my experience too. For one of my ex-bf's, I didn't find him attractive at all the first time we met in person (had met via online dating). But still, we had a nice time together so I said yes when he asked to see me again. and over time, it turned out that he was one of the funniest, nicest men I'd ever met, and I ended up being very attracted to him. (we split up because we were at different points in our lives and wanted different things, but he's definitely one I think of fondly)
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