While there are many critical differences between the threads so I'm not saying the responses should be the same, I'm curious to see how this one compares to KateRN explosive thread
I just posted again in the KateRN thread. *rolls my own eyes*
If you met this man and he was in good physical shape, and treated you like a queen, but was missing some fingers, or a hand or a foot, or had some other physical deformity, or was diabetic, or paralyzed, would you feel the same way?
Being overweight is an issue, I know all to well, along with it's issues, but it is not the only health issue many of us face.
It can be put in the same perspective as many other health, physical and emotional issues that many of us face.
First and foremost, you are not a terrible person. It's natural to stress over what people will think of you. It takes practice, I think, to become more immune to other's opinions. There's not a single person on this planet who doesn't worry over what others think at least a little bit.
That being said, you don't have to let your fears make your decisions for you. When it comes down to it, you have to consider if you're genuinely attracted to him. Don't try to give yourself reasons why you should be with him; you won't be satisfied with your relationship and neither will he if you don't want to be with him whole-heartedly.
As a lot of people have said, I would take things slow and see if there's an attraction there. You shouldn't feel guilty for taking weight into consideration. You're entitled to want to be with who you want to be with and be attracted to what you are attracted to. It may be selfish, but selfishness isn't necessarily bad. To truly care for a person, you have to take care of your wants and needs as well.
I did not mean to be rude or sarcastic. Sorry if I came off that way. I truly don't understand why this man's weight is such a problem for you. You do say you are working hard on your own weight and believe me I understand that. You also say that you cannot judge someone based on weight. I guess I am puzzled why this is such a problem for you.According to your own description he sounds like a really nice guy who wants to do something about his weight. It just might be that he just isn't the right guy for you and it really has nothing to do with weight, yours or his.
1. Regarding health -- skinny people can be (or get) sick too. Heart attacks, strokes, diabetes, cancer...they're not "fat people only" illnesses. Yes, obesity is a contributing factor to these illnesses, and an obese person is at greater risk, but there's no saying (unless you know he is already ill) that he is sicker than your average guy. If you don't want to date someone because they might get seriously ill someday, that's a big chance you take with *anyone* whether you realize it or not. He's actively taking action to reduce his risk by undergoing a serious surgery to lose weight. Kudos to him for that.
2. Regarding other people judging you for being with him -- there very well might be some people that ask themselves how you could be with someone who is overweight. There might be people who would ask themselves how you could be with someone with a big nose, or a different ethnicity, or a less-than-perfect job, or a wheelchair, or children, or bad breath, or...the list goes on. Are you interested in dating someone because you want companionship, or because you don't want people to think you're the chick who can't get a date? I know that sounds harsh, but I really think people are happier when they can decide for themselves what a "desirable" person is to them, rather than allowing other people's opinions to determine whether or not they're even willing to give a guy a chance.
3. If you think he's a nice guy and are just NOT attracted to him, but feel guilty for feeling that way, don't date him out of guilt. It's not fair to you or to him. Really examine your reasons for hesitating, and your reasons for wanting to stay in contact with him. It may be that you are meant to be a friend rather than a love connection. It may be that you two are very compatible and would be great together. Time will tell if his flaws will fade as you get to know him, or if you will need to find someone that you feel more comfortable with on all levels. Good luck.
You should never pressure yourself to date someone you're not attracted to. Just because he's a nice guy and you WANT to be attracted to him doesn't warrant a relationship. You'll just be leading him on and someone will get hurt at the end.
What's very worrisome is that you are in a position where you are changing your life and it's difficult to be with someone who's changing their life as well. It creates too much codependency and leaves lots of room for influencing each other negatively. I've always known I've had an eating disorder and I set out to be with someone who did not suffer from one. It was always important to me. I didn't want to be with someone who was constantly struggling with food, do you?
I'm another person who says not to pressure yourself if you're not interested for whatever reason (you don't have to justify yourself to anyone).
I have been in the other end of that stick, where I had a great relationship with a guy before we met, and he ended up having a problem with my size. I think it's better not to drag that out if it really is an issue with you. You don't have to tell him that's the reason (of course), but the further along it goes, feelings usually tend to intensify. You both can find what you want (that's not to say I don't think every relationship has its compromises).
As long as he is working at changing his weight, I would still date him (if you like him and want to). If he were just going to be resigned to remain unhealthy, then I'd probably not continue the relationship. This will only serve to bring down your own motivation to lose weight and be healthy.
As for how you feel about his weight, you can't help that. The only thing you can help are your actions now that you realize how you feel and why you feel that way.
Last edited by LeedaRenee; 01-05-2010 at 10:26 AM.
My take on it would be, if you don't like him the way he is now, then don't take it any further. He may or may not lose any more weight. He may even gain weight. You have to consider how that would impact your relationship if you have expectations about him being cute and thin like he was in the past.
I don't believe you should go into a relationship expecting someone to change. It is possible that he could lose weight but it is also possible that he may maintain or even gain weight.
If you aren't physically attracted to him then let him go so that he can find someone who likes him how he is rather than how he might be in the future.
Here's the thing... a lot of people saying they are trying to lose weight and change. Let's be realistic: I think the people on this site are *not* the majority, in the sense that they are quite dedicated to it, and even maintaining.
I would never, EVER go into something with a person saying they are going to change. Doesn't matter if it is weight loss or any other lifestyle change (smoking, drinking, etc).
Your opinion on not wanting to date an obese man while being obese yourself... well, I won't comment on that, but never go into a relationship hoping for the potential of someone based on promises of change. THAT is an issue in itself.
I too am not attracted to overweight men. I think that is directly linked to my low self esteem. Why would anyone want to date me when *I* wouldn't date me? lol You shouldn't try to force yourself to be attracted to him because it's the right thing to do - it doesn't work. We are animals and we like what we like. Most of us are attracted to healthy people. I have a wonderful (skinny) husband who I often compare to a stalker who got the girl, but as much as he adores me I know he would be even more attracted to me if I was healthy.
Sometimes one can fall in love with someone they would never consider BUT it doesn't happen often and like any potential mate you cannot change them or expect them to change. I would be very clear that you just want to be friends for now otherwise his feelings will be very hurt later when he realizes that he cannot change YOU and your feelings for him. Maybe he will get to a point where you become attracted to him. Maybe not - but in the mean time a friendship with someone else on a weight loss journey sounds like a great thing!
Having been obese yourself and knowing how it hurts to be judged on your weight, you are being very shallow and unkind. I'm not sure you deserve a nice man if you reject him because of his weight when he has already told you he is going to have WLS soon.
A gentle reminder, folks...name calling like "shallow" isn't going to get us anywhere. Regardless of your response to the OPs question, the only way to have a real discussion about her situation is to be respectful of everyone's opinion.
