Wow, I haven't read all the responses either, but let me just extend my sympathies.
Years ago when I lacked confidence about my sexuality and my worth, I got involved with a man who loved me very much as a person but was not attracted to me. He was lonely. I was lonely. We became best friends. I pushed the relationship into a sexual one, but we were never bf/gf. It was never a satisfying relationship because he wasn't attracted to me. I did always appreciate his honesty with me, and saw how I manipulated the relationship. I was miserable but didn't think I deserved more.
When the last straw came and I ended it I was scared. But I learned how much I AM worth it at ANY weight, and now am married to a man who loves me unconditionally.
Normally Im not one to judge some one else's relationships since mine is not exactly the 'norm' or good by most standards (we love eachother, we support eachother, we spend time together with friends and family, we just aren't 'together' in the traditional sense)
However . . . he is an a**. There's no way around that. He is absolutely entitled to have his own type, everyone does . . however . . . if he got into a relationship with you at the weight you are at, he's not being blindsided and saying that things will get better when 'you fix your problem'
Uhmmm . . . what will get better and for who?
I know Im going off here but it makes me so angry when people are that hypocritical and down right rude and hurtful.
The man that I have the not-so-typical relationship with has NEVER put me down or made me feel anything but beautiful, and he has been a part of my life at my biggest . . when I told him I was changing my eating habits, exercising and wanting a healthier life do you know what he said to me?
"Good for you, you'll feel great about yourself and proud for doing it. I'll help you with whatever you need" and he has.
THATS what you should expect from some one who loves you. Nothing less.
Im sorry to rant, but for a beautiful girl like yourself who is willing to love this man unconditionally, you deserve no less than that same love back and should never, ever, settle for less than that.
I got home and rereading this thread as it interested me.
I find I have a few comments on the unconditional love.
My mother has been overweight all her life. My Dad loved her to pieces. I remember him rolling into the kitchen, grabbing her, squeezing her big ole behind and smooching up one side and down the other. I don't recall him ever saying one bad word about her size.
I also have a friend/co-worker who is very overweight and has a skinny little bf who loves her like no other, and they boink like bunnies. She tells me, *rolls eyes* sometimes it's TMI.
Fat can be seen as a physical imperfection by some, but,,,,,,if you were thin and had an accident and cut off your hand, would he have the same reaction? If you have a child and it's born with a cleft pallet or Downs Syndrome, or some other issues, will he reject it?
My DH lost 2 fingers in an accident a few years ago, I don't love him any less, we actually have quite a sense of humor about the whole thing. Little kids are fascinated by it, and he's fine with letting them look at his stumps and touch them. He'll also, if a kid is staring at them, place them under his nose, so it looks like he has his fingers stuffed in his nose clear to his brain. And yeah, sometimes we call h im stumpy, he just waves his short, middle stump at us and says "take that"!
A good relationship is a great thing, but a crappy one is a big waste of time, energy and yourself. Don't waste YOURSELF on crappy relationships. There is no law that says you have to be in one to be happy, or whole or socially acceptable or whatever.
I'm sure you get this point by now, but I will still say it again. THERE ARE TONS AND TONS OF MEN OUT THERE WHO WOULD BE WILLING TO LOVE YOU FOR YOU! And when you find one, you will wonder why in god's name you ever wasted a lousy second on this guy(or any other guy for that matter)
IMO the only time a SO should ask/talk about one's weight is if they are concerned for your health or they are encouraging you on your personal journey.
What if you told him you loved him but you'd really prefer he start working on his body(maybe bulk up a bit) and you really rather your men be ripped. It's the same comparison as far as I'm concerned.
Sure attraction is important, but there is so much more involved in relationships than looks, looks change with time, they evolve...his behavior is just wrong, you do deserve better.
I can't even imagine not wanting to show off my girl to my family and friends...I just can't....
That's the kicker for me right there.
You can go back and forth on whether we are all reading more in to it or not, but I have NEVER known a healthy relationship where one was ashamed to introduce a partner to the family. (Now ashamed to introduce the family to the partner is quite another matter )
Yeah, ennay, that's the kicker for me too. I kind of understand being attracted to a certain "type" (for me it's a personality type rather than a physical type), but if a guy is refusing to introduce her to his friends/family, then I wonder what he is hiding. Does he have another girlfriend? Is he married? Is he just a jerk? There is something going on here and our Kate deserves better than this!
My dear KateRN...when will you realize that you are worthy of a healthy relationship? We can all rant and rave and tell you to run. But you have to decide and make the choice. You will stay in this relationship for as long as you need to. For whatever reason. When you are ready to make a change you will. You will know.
All I can say is RUN! Run fast away from any man who says what your bf said.
I say this as someone who is older than you, and up until recently, had never been with anyone who actually accepted me, for me.
My previous boyfriends claimed to love me and enjoyed my company, but they weren't normally into "fat chicks". As a result, they would eventually make inappropriate comments about my weight--while saying they loved me, etc.
the man I am with now accepts me for who i am. He actually worries that I am not eating enough----i tell him to look at how big i am, but he wants me to be healthy and happy, and supports me in my weightloss efforts. I think he is more upset that I keep trying fad diet after fad diet, and he would prefer I try something possibly healthier.
You are a beautiful person and deserve someone who really respects you and cares for you as you are--not if you are thinner or bigger. I am not saying to date a chubby chaser--but just to date someone who loves all aspects of yourself. I have been with many men who claimed so much care for me, but didn't accept my weight, sometimes didn't accept where I come from, etc.
Please put yourself first. Now, when I look back at the men I dated, I feel silly. they were so shady and grimy and I actually was thankful for their disrespectful attention at that time in my life. Now, my bf sees me naked and is very kind to me. Sure, he is still a guy and finds attractive women of all sizes just that---attractive. but he has never told me to change myself. he only wants me to be a better person for myself so that i can be happy with myself
I'll start out by saying that I firmly believe that people are entitled to be attracted to what they are attracted to, no questions asked. People can't help physical attraction, I think...in most circumstances, it just is what it is.
However, when a person truly loves someone, I think they find attractive qualities in the person they love, regardless of what they are typically attracted to. Even infatuation can do this, I think. I've been attracted to so many different types of guys, both skinny guys and bigger guys.
If he really, really loved you, he should accept you as is. He got into this relationship without you being a 'skinny girl,' and it's unfair for him to get into the relationship expecting you to change. 15 lbs is a difference, but I don't think it is a big enough difference to justify not wanting to be intimate.
What really irks me more than anything is that he brings you down when he should be supporting you. You have to lose weight the way you want to lose weight, or the weight loss won't last. If an occasional trip to a fast food restaurant helps you stay on track and keep from bingeing, then that's great. You shouldn't feel guilty. And he won't introduce you to people? That's ridiculous.
It's really hypocritical for him to have gained so much weight and then come down on you about yours, as well.
I would talk to him about the way he treats you, because he really needs to look at himself and consider the way he is acting. If he can't shape up and be supportive instead of making you feel bad, I would walk away from the relationship. You need someone who helps you be the best you, not someone who constantly makes you feel crappy. First and foremost, you need to be happy with yourself, and he's not helping you with that. People who genuinely love you may make mistakes at time, but they do their best to support you.
You can be attracted to whoever you want, but don't get into a relationship with someone who doesn't fit that mold and then try and jam them into it by being mean. I would be tempted to tell him I found a way to lose 200lbs overnight and dump him. I know it's not that easy, but it sure sounds like he doesn't care about anything except himself.
In my opinion, from what it sounds like, KateRN is not in a place to make a major decision like leaving this guy.
It would take a lot of self-exploration, self-discovery, counseling and building up self-esteem for you, KateRN, to be able to make your decision about staying or leaving.
Keep this in mind though - sometimes manipulation and control can be very sneaky.
Here's a thought:
If you guys broke up, YOU would NOT have trouble finding someone else. HE would. and THAT is why he manipulates you into thinking that you are not good enough, too fat, etc. HE is terrified because he knows he won't be easily able to find a girl who puts up with him, a girl that is up to your caliber.
you are the gem, he knows this, and he wants to hold on to you at all costs.
Consider this over the next little while. You may begin to see him in a new light.
)
