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Old 01-04-2010, 06:43 AM   #1
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Unhappy What to do when a significant other wants you to lose weight too?

Warning, very long...

I've always been super sensitive about my weight and I always wanted whoever I was with at the time to take me as-is. Anyone who had negative things to say, I always kicked to the curb, but was never actually in love with them.

My boyfriend now says he loves me - and when pushed - will tell me "if i didn't think you were beautiful, I wouldn't be with you" - but also told me "I just don't like wrapping my arms around a girl who is as wide as I am." and " I just don't like fat sex!! " .... and thus, we have had zero intimacy for a very very very long time. Every time I address it (about once a month or so) he tells me that its because I haven't lost weight, despite going to the gym, etc... and will mention diet slip ups, such as taking us both to jack in the box and me getting a meal about once every 2-3 weeks. He will say "THAT aspect of our relationship hasn't changed because the way you look hasn't changed."

I'm hurt and offended, but when I talk about that he always will reply that "thats why i don't like telling you how i feel, because I don't want to hurt your feelings, but...." or he will say that he is tired of my "excuses" (1-2lbs a week is OK with me, etc...) and insists that he can't see any changes and shows me comparison photos of what I looked like 15lbs ago and how I look now.... He explains that I gained weight since we got together (about 15lbs, although - he has.. gained 60 and I haven't said a word other than to invite him to the gym with me) and although I wasn't thin when we got together he was "always just waiting for me to fix that part".

He had made it very clear that he loves me, but isnt sexually attracted to big women, including admitting that its why he hasnt introduced me to some friends and family of his. I went to a drive through that I hadnt been to in about 9 months (but was going to almost daily for a while) with him a few weeks ago and they said "Hi! Haven't seen you in a while!" - of course, I was embarrassed by this - but he said to me "Do you have any idea how humiliating that was for me?" ..... sigh.

Now, I don't know what to do! He has every right to feel that way (i think?) and in a way, part of me thinks he is right. I do have weight to lose, it's probably not very attractive, if i were him, would I want to "do-it" with me? But I also wonder if that isn't just me making excuses for him, maybe allowing something that I shouldn't be allowing and maybe its just my "fat girl insecurity" talking...?

At what point is this OK? When is it OK for your significant other to feel, do (or not do!!!), say etc... these things to you? Granted, I've been saying I'm going to get skinny for YEARS (haven't we all??) but I AM trying - but not like a diet nut. I calorie count, but will be OK with having a surprise slice of pizza... I'm hoping that subtle changes, gym time twice a week, rare fast food, pizza, etc... but not eliminating it COMPLETELY... I just don't know what I can do to be enough or do enough to get the attention that I *need* in the relationship. Not having it makes me feel worse about myself, feel like he is monitoring everything and reminds me that every time he won't wrap his arms around its because i'm "too wide". But - the things he is saying are kind of true. Would you call this tough love or 'tough luck - get out!' ?...

I just don't know whats OK or appropriate at all, nor do I know how to respond besides working even harder and diet restricting even more (which maybe should happen anyway, but I dont want to do it just so he is happier with how I look...?) Also, part of me (the stubborn part) thinks "well, i'm not going to make any changes because I dont want you to think I'm doing this all for you!!!!"

Ideas? Suggestions? Personal Experiences?

Last edited by KateRN; 01-04-2010 at 06:51 AM.
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Old 01-04-2010, 07:24 AM   #2
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OK... ahem... I think I'll just say this without sugar coating. A guy who loves you but doesn't want sex with you and doesn't want to introduce you to his family and friends because you embarrass him isn't really a boyfriend... he's a buddy who lives with you. That's not a bad thing, but if it's not what you want, then you need to start thinking about how to broaden your social life, if you see what I mean.

Also, your weight seems to be identified as "the problem," but anytime someone loves you only if you meet certain conditions, you have to wonder what would be next. And there will be something next...

As for your weight loss... I've seen you around for awhile here. I'm not sure when you recently began to try losing weight again, but I wonder whether you are really giving it all you've got if you're still visiting fast food places, even if only rarely. What is your plan? Do you count calories? How is that working for you? How often do you get to the gym?

You have to lose weight for you, not for someone else. And you have to give it your all. People who are obese usually don't casually lose weight. It does take some amount of daily effort and planning and accountability. I don't mean that you're not doing this now--I just mean that from how you described things, I wondered...

OK, time for me to step off

Good luck to you!
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Old 01-04-2010, 07:33 AM   #3
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Kate...the question I need to ask is why are you still with this toxic person? He obviously has an insecurity issue and he is making you part of that. You really need to only have positive people around you. I'm always amazed by beautiful, smart women who allow men to treat them this way and YES you are beautiful and smart! I say run, dont walk away from this guy. (just my two cents)
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Old 01-04-2010, 07:37 AM   #4
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I second JayEll...this guy isn't looking at you as his "Girlfriend," you're his roommate. He's too immature to accept you and love you the way you are, so you can DEFINITELY do better than this guy..

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Old 01-04-2010, 07:56 AM   #5
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Having been size 3 when I met hubby and all over the scale the last 18 years I can 100% say I'd kick him to the curb! If I really push and push for an answer I can get dh to admit that he "maybe" prefers with with a bit less flab. However it has never ever affected sex. Ever.

I don't know your age or how long you have been a couple. However if there are problems with keeping the " spark" and in the relationship now imagine years down the road. Do you see it getting better? Probably not. With age comes sag and other issues. Love at least in my opinion kind of gives you rose colored glasses when it comes to sex.

Let me give you an example. I have always thought my hubby was beyond beautiful/gorgeous. I have always been attracted to tall thin guys. He is 6 ft 4 and always well built. Well last winter he got laid off and gained about 30 lbs. All in his gut. It kind of looked like he was pregnant from the side. Was it a turn off? Not at all. I just looked at all the other awesome parts and embraced the belly as just another part of a " package of a guy" I adore. I'm very grateful he does the same.

Someone who loves you takes you as you are. I don't think you losing weight will change a thing. He will just find other reasons then.

I hope none of this comes across as harsh or hurtful. I honestly don't mean it that way. I was in your place when I was young with a guy complaining and acting quite the same when I gained about 15 lbs. I was a whole whopping 115! He was just looking for excuses plain and simple to justify his behavior. If it wasn't the weight he would have fopund some other flaw! I also had a male friend who was so insecure he kept his fat girlfriend a secret . How ridiculous and what a loser.

Lose weight for you and you only. I sure hope this came out right. You are worth so much more than what your getting from this guy. Much more.

Last edited by thinnerbyjuly; 01-04-2010 at 08:48 AM.
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Old 01-04-2010, 07:58 AM   #6
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No one can tell you, especially someone you don't know on the internet, what you should do in your relationship, but I will go ahead anyway and say that you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't love you and want you as you are right now. There are a few valid reasons for an SO to want you to lose weight (primarily if it's affecting your health), but there's no valid reason to withhold sex and to complain that you aren't attractive. A diet/lifestyle change may be the answer to increasing your confidence or fixing a health problem, but it shouldn't be the answer to improving a relationship.

I, like you said, have always been insistent in my relationship (I married my high school sweetheart, so there's really only been the one), that I be taken and appreciated "as is." I couldn't have it any other way and you shouldn't either. Because even forty pounds ago, I felt loved and wanted - you deserve that too.

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Old 01-04-2010, 08:21 AM   #7
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I've got to be honest, this guy sucks. It is one thing to want someone to lose weight because of concern for them and completely different to want it for YOURSELF! If he truly cared about you, his concern would show more in support. He wouldn't be going to eat fast food with you while telling you that you need to lose weight. What a jerk.

You need to realize that losing the weight is something you need to do for yourself. I truly believe that when you realize that, your journey will become easier. I lost 50 lbs when I realized that it was time to focus on myself. Keep finding support in people who love you. You will know when someone is being truly supportive, because they will do it in a way that doesn't make you feel horrible.

I believe in you. If I can do it, you can too.
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Old 01-04-2010, 08:32 AM   #8
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Hmm, well it looks like I might be in a slight minority here on this one...

Let me say first of all, I think you're freaking pretty. And you deserve to feel sexy and desired and wanted and accepted. Sounds like he might be a little blount with his delivery...needs to learn how to be sensitive and compassionate (most guys do...) rather than critical or harsh. No one responds well to negative attention like that. And really, it sounds like sometimes he's just insulting you...which is not healthy in a relationship. You need to get the dynamic right in this relationship before it's forever frozen this way...you trying to please him and feeling like you're failing and him looking down on you or condescending to you.

However...there is something to be said for honesty. I've been with guys in the past who swore up and down that they thought I was attractive and "not fat at aaaallll"...only to find out later, after the breakup, that they really thought I was a porker and were embarassed by me. I wish they'd told me when we were together. At least you know how he REALLY feels even if he is a little brash sometimes. Sexual chemistry is important and he's communicating to you that there are things you could do to improve that. And there are also probably things he could do too. Both of you have a choice. Sounds like you already have your own reasons for wanting to lose weight...add his preferences to the list maybe? (Not top of the list...never).

Good luck. I hope you get this worked out. You sound pretty sure that he does love you and that's what's so important here. Remember your own reasons for wanting to lose weight and don't you dare lose any self worth in this relationship!!!

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Old 01-04-2010, 08:42 AM   #9
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Ok, you gained 15 pounds and he gained 60! OMG! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

Sounds like the "fat sex" is more his problem than yours.

He'll probably always be this way, finding fault with one thing or another.

I say, get yourself busy, lose the weight, go to gym more than twice a week and get healthy for yourself and no one else.

Your bf sounds like a "me" person, it's all about "me me me". Yuk. He's making his happiness hinge on what you do and the world doesn't work that way. No matter what you do it will probably never make "him/me" happy.

So, get yourself busy, take care of YOU, and don't worry about him.

Personlly as far as the relationship goes, I'd run like he**. Who needs that crap?

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The human body is capable of amazing things! But without the mind, it is nothing. Get your mind in gear and the body will follow!

Be selfish about caring for yourself, you deserve it!
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Old 01-04-2010, 08:44 AM   #10
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I think that there's a difference between wanting your significant other to lose weight for health reasons, or for lifestyle reasons. I also understand that for some people, thinness is preferred. What your boyfriend is doing is completely different. He actually says he's embarrased by you? Won't introduce you to friends and family?? Embarrased because people at a fast food store know you (so what?)? Honestly, he has a complex. What's not embarrasing to him? I know this sounds harsh, but if I were you, I'd tell him that I'm embarrased to be with someone who is this much of a coward, and then I'd be done with him.

I do understand what body type one is attracted to cannot be changed, but then he should not have gotten involved with you in the first place. You should lose weight for YOU.

I'm not sure what exactly you are trying to salvage in this relationship. What do you like about him? Is he supportive? Loving? Does he make you feel good about youself? Don't settle for less. He is tearing down your self esteem so that you'll stay under his thumb. I'm sorry this is so blunt but you need to leave.
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Old 01-04-2010, 09:02 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by KateRN View Post
I gained weight since we got together (about 15lbs, although - he has.. gained 60
Saying that he has some cheek would be an understatement... :-O
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Old 01-04-2010, 09:02 AM   #12
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Put quite simply, do you want to be with someone who loves you unconditionally? Because this guy is putting horrible conditions on you. It's great that you want to lose weight, but you can only lose it for yourself, not for anyone else. Look at all the threads about why we want to lose weight and what we most look forward. I haven't read anywhere where folks are saying they can't wait for their significant others to stop nagging them or they can't wait for their S.O. to no longer be embarrassed by their weight.

Ugh. My heart goes out to you. I truly hope you don't believe his nonsense and that you can see clearly through this.
Long term goal: To still be calorie counting 11/9/2010
mini goals: ~211-10% lost;12/24/09 ~203 class I obesity 1/28/10; ~199 Onederland/15% 2/19/10; ~188-20%; ~185 half way 5/14/10; 179-bye 180's 6/12/10; ~174 overweight 7/3/2010;169-bye 170's 8/13/10;~164-30% 10/23/2010159-bye 160's~11/1/10; 153-35%~12/23/10; 149-bye 150's~2/11/11; 145 normal~2/14/2011; ~141-40%; 139-bye 140's ~135 GOAL! (129-45%; 117.5-50%)

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Old 01-04-2010, 09:07 AM   #13
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I am glad that JayEll said it "like it is" because otherwise I would have to do it. What you have is not a boyfriend, at least not a boyfriend who loves for the right reasons. I am sorry but I think you should not stay in this relationship. Who knows, there may be somebody waiting for you who will accept you and love you as you are (regardless whether you plan to lose weight or not).

As an aside, I believe you should plan to visit the gym more than 2x a week - can you make it 3x a week? That would be much better for you. No matter what you do, make sure you are losing weight for yourself and not for the boyfriend.
Best wishes and a Happy 2010 to you.
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Old 01-04-2010, 09:07 AM   #14
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Thought of something else...

What happens WHEN you lose the weight? Ideally he'd be thrilled, right? You'd be his girlfriend in public and things would go great. But you'll likely loose some in the boob area. Then what if they're too small and he isn't attracted to you because they're not big? Will you get implants for him? What if when you lose weight he thinks you're too "bony"? Will you regain weight for him?

Also, and I almost hate to even bring this up...but a lot of people will regain some or all weight they lost during the journey, and have start again. IF that happened to you, would he cut you off sexually again? Stop taking you out? Tell his friends you're gone until you lose again?

What I'm saying is that with men like this, you may NEVER be good enough. To me it's at the very least bordering on emotional abuse and staying in the situation will do NOTHING but bad things for you.

I don't know your relationship with this guy, but from what you've described it doesn't sound like a healthy one. Again, you deserve better. You deserve to be with a man who loves you and adores you as much at 235 pounds as he would at your goal weight. Don't settle for this guy...you can do better.

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Old 01-04-2010, 09:29 AM   #15
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Ok, a guys point of view here, He's a moron and acting like a 15 year old in high school with that attitude...I just took a look at your profile and going off of the picture that you have there, I don't know how to break this to ya but you are a hottie (I am happily married to my own hottie so its ok for me to say that ) and you wouldn't have an issue finding someone that would love ya unconditionally because what you wrote says that he has certain conditions for which you must fall under in order to get 100% from him. I recently looked at a picture of my wife from a time when she was heavier and thought "I do not remember her ever being that big" and its because I love her unconditionally, she is the love of my life no matter what the wrapper on the outside looks like.

He seems to be a hypocrite as well if he has put on 60 pounds since you met, sounds like the pot calling the kettle black and perhaps he is projecting some of his insecurities in your direction, try telling him that his little man is starting to look like a short stack of quarters behind the chub and watch the look on his face, then ask him how he liked that comment, and you say that "he had made it very clear that he loves me" how so? by belittling you? or making you feel the need to ask for opinions on a forum? or making you feel all warm inside when he says that you embarrass him? or or or or......

Jay makes some good points as well and one has nothing to do with the other because weight loss is not a part of a relationship in my humble opinion, the Jack in the box issue and the boyfriend are not the same problem BUT one of them can be and probably is effecting the other...when you don't feel good about yourself the trips to Jack in the box can and will get more frequent.

if I come off blunt thats just me

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