My husband is finally recognizing a number of benefits of splitting meals. One of them for your husband might be SAVING money. Let's say eating two meals costs $40, but you could split a meal and have a small appetizer (soup or salad) for $30. Now you've saved money AND have fewer leftovers, so nothing will go to waste.
You are not a trash can. I can understand that he views throwing away food as a waste. But it is even MORE of a waste if you eat food that could be harmful to your body.
Chronic illness, diabetes, hypertension, cancers, paying more for health care, paying more for life insurance, having a reduced life expectancy or quality of life are all far bigger wastes than throwing out cake or Chinese food. Carrying half of a birthday cake around on your derriere or in your arteries is far more of a waste than sending it to the dump.
I agree that there are deeper issues here that need to be worked out. Are you fairly recently married? Being in charge of what you put in your own body is a nonegotiable human right, IMO. This is an issue that you all can work through and grow through, but the sooner the better.
Thank you so much guys, for all your thoughts, suggestions and advice.
My husband and I sat down and talked this all out yesterday. It was not a comfortable conversation, but one that we needed to have. He still doesn't understand why I want to lose more weight. His thoughts are:
"I don't want you to end up like those girls with those eating disorders. You're not happy with your body now, and you've lost 40 lbs. Every time you reach a new low weight, you are still not happy. What is it going to take, for me to be able to see your ribs? I don't want you to be one of those girls who is a 100 lbs and thinks she's fat."
I think he has valid concerns. Not that I think I am going to develop any sort of disorder or anything... but I have been *VERY* focused on weight loss recently- even more than before. But I explained to him that the reasoning behind that is because as I get lower in weight it gets HARDER AND HARDER to lose each additional pound. So the occasional stuff that I could overlook before... I can't now because I have to be more and more strict in order to keep losing. So, that's why I have been so focused on it.
I think he was also shocked to hear that, whenever I reach maintenance... I am STILL going to have to work out 6 days a week and I am STILL going to have to count my calories. In fact, I will be doing that for the rest of my life. I think that bothers him. I think he misses the wife he had over a year ago- the one that didn't care what she ate. I think he was sad to realize that in order for me to stay slim- I can never go back to being that girl.
As for the compromise... We've decided to cut our eating out in half. It will cut our money spent in half, it will cut my calories eaten in half, and since we'll go out less, I won't feel quite so bad about eating the leftovers. I can freeze the leftovers if I want, and have them on an "off week". He still wasn't cool with the idea of splitting meals... which is too bad, because I thought that was the best compromise.
Things settled down after we talked, and we're better now. However, we are still having a hard time understanding eachother's POV. I think it may be one of those "agree to disagree" situations. I am going to continue doing what I am doing... continue to try and achieve the body I have always wanted. Because it's my body, and not his. But, I am going to make a VERY conscious effort to not talk to him about weight loss anymore. It's hard, because I have no one else to share it with (except you guys), but maybe he won't be so stressed out/ concerned about it if I don't bring it up anymore.
Have any of you had this kind of response from your significant other?
My husband doesn't have a problem with not eating leftovers. In fact he's extremely wasteful with food. He eats like a bird and then throws what's left in the trash. I hate it when I make him food because he'll take a few bites, be full and toss the rest. So I don't have THAT problem with my husband...however:
Me and my hubby used to go out to eat ALL the time. It wouldn't matter if I just ate something at home, if we went into town, we had to stop somewhere. If we drove into Boise, we HAD to go to Ihop and pig out. I was obsessed with food and constantly wanted to eat. Now that I've started my journey, I don't even really want to go out to eat that much and he's been hating that.
He would get on my case constantly to start eating healthier and going to the gym and now that I was he was getting angry because I never wanted to go eat the crap we used to. He honestly didn't realize the type of commitment I would have to make. We've made some compromises, we still go out to eat every once in a while and I get something healthy. He still to this day tries to take me to get ice cream or to a chinese buffet. But I have to be strong and say no.
Glad you and your husband had that talk and are making progress!
I do have some of these problems. In my case, my Italian husband and his family equate food with love...and they are excellent cooks who take time to lovingly prepare feasts. The more they get you to eat, the more they love you and the more you love them. When combined with my emotional eating this is a very bad combination. It's taken me a long time to realize these things, but I have come to understand that I need to show my husband other ways he can demonstrate his love and caring for me that do not center around food.
Money has nothing nothing to do with weightloss. Trying to lose weight doesn't have to cost anything, you're just eating less and moving more. So whatever you're working out with your husband still sounds like it's a money issue that should be dealt with seperately from your weightloss efforts.
The truth is that when we lose weight, we're not just losing weight. We're changing our philosophy of life, we're becoming a different person, we adapt new interests like working out, and we're changing some of our daily patterns. All these things affect the people around us. Some of our friends and family can change with us, others don't want to change at all. It would be ideal if our loved ones could support us, but many times that's not possible so we have to do it for ourselves without letting the opinions of others control our efforts.
To the OP, I can't claim to know you or to judge you, so please try to take what I say with a grain of salt, just be aware of it as an impartial unbiased sidelines viewpoint on how I interpret what you wrote. It sounds like when you had your conversation the 2 of you were talking about 2 different things. You were saying that you don't want to feel forced to eat leftovers, and he was saying that he doesn't want you to lose anymore weight. In a way it sounds like he's sabotaging your efforts. Being forced to eat leftovers is.... controlling and abusive. I'm sorry, but I fail to see how putting something in your mouth that you don't want to eat is compromise. Your health and well-being shouldn't be a topic of compromise. I have a hard time understanding how that can give him enjoyment, or strengthen your marriage. I don't see anything of value coming from that compromise, are you sure that is something you're comfortable with?
I understand where you are coming from. I do agree that it sounded like we were talking about 2 different things. I realized that during our conversation. His argument started as a "financial issue", but very quickly became more about my weight loss. Maybe financial reasons are still one concern of his, but it does not seem to be his main concern.
As far as sabotage... I think if he is doing it, it's unintentional (unlike my mom, who fully admitted to sending me home with so much cake because she was trying to make me gain weight). He has told me he is proud of me, and yesterday when we were talking, he told me that me gaining back the weight is the last thing he wants, because he knows how hard I worked to get to this point. He kept telling me how in the past, he has told me he is proud of me. But, I mentioned to him that the "proud comments" come with the same or less frequency than the "don't lose more weight" comments, so I get confused.
One thing that I find interesting is that he KEEPS telling me that 135 is the perfect weight for me, in his opinion. I was 135 when he met me. I don't know if there's some psychological connection there, but often, when I have talked about losing weight, his response has been "Well, I've been saying since the beginning that 135 is perfect for your body." It's strange, and I am not sure why he is so focused on that number. He also keeps telling me that he would prefer me to "stop losing weight" but it's fine if I get smaller through gaining muscle and still burning fat. "You just need to tone" is what he tells me. So, the number on the scale seems to bother him more than the idea of me getting smaller.
I tried to explain to him that it's rather difficult to burn fat, build muscle, and try to not lose anymore scale weight. My weight will fluctuate up and down because my body is going to do what it is going to do.
My husband keeps saying that he isn't "forcing me" to eat leftovers, and that if I don't want them, I don't have to eat them. But I told him that if he's going to hold a grudge against me for doing it, I do feel forced.
He told me yesterday he wanted to eat healthier too. So, I told him we could try to cut out most of the eating out, and I could just work on letting go of my cheat day. Then he turned around and told me that eating bad things in moderation is fine, and he doesn't want to give it up. So, I am left with having no idea of what he wants.
Personally, I plan on taking the leftovers to work with me as "lunch" and throwing them out at work. He'll never know, and we won't have to have this awkward discussion anymore.
Last edited by LittleMoonRabbit; 11-22-2009 at 12:02 PM.
I hope you didn't take my post as passing judgement on you in a personal manner. But being a newlywed myself I can fully understand that it takes time to learn one another's language and intent. I wasn't under the impression that your husband is trying to hurt you intentionally, not at all. I'm sure he's trying to be helpful in truth. Like I said before, you changing means he has to change so he just needs time to adjust. Only you know what is right for you, your husband can't pick the magic goal number for you.
Woman to woman I'll tell you this: men are kind of dumb. I don't mean this in a bad way, I love my husband to death. But if I tried to involve him in the details of my weightloss he will undoubtedly try to "help" (eye rolling). That's the nature of a man and don't go telling them they're wrong This is the most important thing I learned from my mother: men don't want to be bothered with confusing details, what they don't know can't hurt them and in fact they don't want to really know anyway. The only thing a man wants is to see you happy and content and he will in turn be kind and understanding. If you keep telling him about your leftover situation and announcing every pound lost or gained then you're presenting him with a problem... do not doubt that he will try to solve that problem. Do what you have to do for yourself, and just keep the peace
Littlemoonrabbit -- Sounds like you two are making progress!
When I first started my weight loss, my husband (also morbidly obese at the time) was VERY threatened by it. I didn't want to go out to eat at all at first and he was afraid that he would forever lose the pleasure we found in enjoying food together. He was also afraid that a thinner me meant that I would be less interested in him.
We have found over the years that we can and do still love food together, but how we eat has changed (eating out and eating in). And he came on board with the idea of losing weight and being healthier, too. That helped a lot. But it was definitely a source of stress initially.
Good luck, and just keep the lines of communication with your husband open. That helps, a lot!
My husband has a smidgen of this problem too (though definitely not as bad as yours). I figured out a way around it... I throw it away when/where he won't notice. If I KNOW that I can't have it in the house, it doesn't come in the house. But, if it somehow "sneaks" it's way in I am the one to kick it out. So future suggestions... Take the leftovers to work for "lunch" the next day and toss them there. He'll never know you didn't eat them and he'll never ask about it either. -OR- Toss them in the can at home, then either put other things on top or take the trash out yourself.
IMHO, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Unless you're not doing well financially, then this is just him doing his thing. The best way to stop it from irritating you is to avoid it altogether and I would hate for you to give up your cheat day if it's been working well for you.
PS- You can always share a meal at the places you go to...
I go through this with my bf too. He thinks it's crazy when I order something and then eat two bites of it and am finished. I think about it, like you're not really paying for the food. The cost of the food is such a negligible part of what they're charging you for...they have to figure out their pricing by what they need to make to turn a profit and what the customers will pay for it. Hence we got supersizing--how to get people to spend more on food? Include more of it in the meal, since it's such low cost to the restaurant. So, when I order a piece of cake, i'm not paying for the flour and eggs and so forth...I'm paying for the plate, the chef, the cost of operating the restaurant and leasing the space, not really the food. So why would I finish the arbitrary size portion they gave me if I didn't want it? I would be paying to eat something I didn't want and that was making me feel guilty and unhappy, as opposed to paying to eat exactly how much I wanted to eat since it was going to be the same price anyway.
This is the most important thing I learned from my mother: men don't want to be bothered with confusing details, what they don't know can't hurt them and in fact they don't want to really know anyway. The only thing a man wants is to see you happy and content and he will in turn be kind and understanding. If you keep telling him about your leftover situation and announcing every pound lost or gained then you're presenting him with a problem... do not doubt that he will try to solve that problem. Do what you have to do for yourself, and just keep the peace 
