I'd love some advice- there's one woman at my work, and every night she'll make several comments pertaining to how fat and gross and unlloveable she is.
I never know what to say, because she is fat, but body weight just doesn't hold any if those negative connotations to me. Everybody at work knows her as the loveable, bright, insanely hard working woman who always goes the extra mile.
It's almost as if she feels like she needs to make excuses for her weight before we can treat her like a real human being. What can I say to let her know that we value her immensely?
Everybody at work knows her as the loveable, bright, insanely hard working woman who always goes the extra mile.
That.
How close are you? If I spent some time with her socially, I'd say something like, "<Name>, it really bothers me when you say such negative things about yourself! We all know you to be a loveable, bright, insanely hard working woman who always goes the extra mile, and I hate to think that you don't see that and instead just focus on your weight".
Well, in that people do seem to care about me, but somehow it never actually gets through to that part of my brain/heart that will actually accept and/or believe it. I have zero confidence in my looks and abilities. I overwork myself (with all the associated stress) in order to escape the confrontation of having "down time".
Most of the "friends" around me got irritated at this and would tell me off for it, which needless to say doesn't do a lot of good (all it did was make me feel guilty for not having a great life).
I'm now in therapy and trying to get a hold on what's going on. It might be an option for your colleague, depending on where her down-talking comes from. Therapy was first suggested to me by a (real) friend several months ago, but I managed to evade it for several months until the point which sparked not only seeking help for that, but also this weight loss journey.
Perhaps, if you're close enough, you could suggest it to her. If she's adamantly against the idea (I was at first) then your words may well just "plant the seed" that's needed.
I agree with harrismm. People who say disparaging things about themselves, and in a sort of inappropriate way, may be getting something positive out of it. It's like, if she says it first, then everyone says oh, no no no...
I don't suggest you actually do this, but if I were with her at work, say, alone in the break room or something, and she gave me her story yet again about fat and gross and unlovable, I might say something like, "Well, yeah, you could stand to lose a few pounds, but everyone likes you and thinks you're a great worker." But that's just me--I can be pretty upfront.
I'd have to be prepared for her to get upset, though, if I did this. And I'd have to be doing it out of concern for her. Since I've lost weight successfully, I might add that I lost XX pounds myself so I know how it is to feel overweight. Again, this is just me. You may not want to be so direct.
I agree with harrismm... when someone puts themselves down a lot they're actually looking you to bring them back up. It's quite an unattractive trait in a person like "Here comes Debbie Downer, everybody make her feel good." It creates a lot of work for the people around them because people with low self esteems make everyone uncomfortable, not just themselves. Negative people bring a negative vibe to the friendship and if it's someone I care about deeply I will talk to them about it honestly. If it's someone who's just an acquaintance then I will distance myself from them - sorry, but I got my own self-esteem to worry without being dragged down by someone else.
If you're close to her, maybe ask (privately) if she realizes she does that so much -- sometimes people "run on automatic" when making conversation and don't realize they're being self-disparaging.
I don't think it's fair to assume it's only for attention, she may feel genuinely bad about herself, and could use someone to talk to. Quite often people put themselves down about their weight/looks, but perhaps the real issue is not her being overweight, more a lack of self esteem/self worth.
I don't think anyone should ever tell someone else to lose weight. I am sure she is very much aware of her weight, and she'll lose it, if and when she is ready.
To me it's the same as when a size 0 girl says "I'm just SO fat and gross!" It's a cry for attention...she WANTS people to tell her she's NOT overweight, NOT gross, IS a great worker, etc. Maybe I'm just mean, but I'd ignore it. Unless the two of you are good enough friends where you can sit her down and talk to her, there's nothing you can do.
Maybe if you're not friends, try to befriend her? See if she wants to go for drinks after work one night, and see if you have enough in common to even become friends.
To me it's the same as when a size 0 girl says "I'm just SO fat and gross!" It's a cry for attention...she WANTS people to tell her she's NOT overweight, NOT gross, IS a great worker, etc. Maybe I'm just mean, but I'd ignore it.
THIS^
I DID have a coworker that was the size 0 and constantly talking about how fat she was. I understand that small people watch their weight as well, but the way she did it was just to make everyone else around her either A. envy her or B. compliment her to make her feel good. I complimented her the first two times, but then I got sick of it and started ignoring her or agreeing with her and she shut up really quickly. Really, I get incredibly annoyed when I hear someone I know say this. I've had a couple of people that I am close to who have pulled this crap on me, and I've told them to their face to shut up. It worked. I don't know your friend/coworker, so this might not work for them, but I'm with Jay and Mindi.
Self esteem comes from within. There is really very little you can do to make someone "feel" valued. Sounds like she would benefit from therapy, if you are comfortable suggesting that. It sounds harsh but I agree with other posters that it's bad to take on other people's issues -- I mean most of us have enough issues of our own.
I don't think it's fair to assume it's only for attention, she may feel genuinely bad about herself, and could use someone to talk to. Quite often people put themselves down about their weight/looks, but perhaps the real issue is not her being overweight, more a lack of self esteem/self worth.
I don't think anyone should ever tell someone else to lose weight. I am sure she is very much aware of her weight, and she'll lose it, if and when she is ready.
I agree with this comment. I'm sure people have felt that I only talk myself down because I want attention - and on some level that may be true. In fact I then tell myself to shut my trap because I just want attention and start a nice guilt cycle going on.
But beneath all that there's a deep insecurity and god knows what else going on. This is the case with me - I don't know about your colleague. In any event, it's not fair to just assume she's doing it for attention. It's really not fair.
One shouldn't assume any one cause for any behavior. If it's attention-seeking, then it may be unconscious--almost automatic. That's why I wouldn't recommend saying anything harsh like "You're just trying to get attention." How dumb would that be?
However, the person the OP was asking about reportedly makes these comments several times a night at work. So obviously there is some kind of habitual thing going on.
I cannot imagine saying anything like that about myself to co-workers! It just seems rather inappropriate in the workplace.
I think your co-workers has either
a.) Low self-esteem
b.) Low self -esteem
In a. she might truly believe it and feel so badly about herself that she wants and needs to talk about it in hopes that someone will reach out and help her. Or in the case of b. She might truly believe it and hopes that people will talk her out of the negative feelings, by giving her compliments. Either way, it's a problem for her and she needs help. Poor thing. How sad.
Workmate constantly belittles herself :(
I don't know your friend/coworker, so this might not work for them, but I'm with Jay and Mindi.
It just seems rather inappropriate in the workplace.
