Honestly, the best thing for me was to stop focusing on getting a boyfriend but to start focusing on the weight loss. Within that time, boys started to like me because I liked myself.
I spent the past two months getting coffee with a guy, meeting up with him at friends' parties, talking to him for hours, and I finally lay it out -- saying that I liked him, and he said he just wanted to be friends and that he's not looking for a relationship right now..
Vicki trust me take it from a guy there are PLENTY of guys out there that actually prefer a gal (me included! LOL) with meat on their bones!
And trust me again if a guy is really interested in you it won't take him 2 months of coffee drinking and talking to make his move!
You are still young and you have lots of time so just get out there and have a good time.
It has been MY personal experience that whenever I look for love (or worse chase after it) it seems to run from me as fast as I run towards it BUT... it's when I am not looking it hit's me right between the eyes unexpextedly every time! LOL!
I never meet anyone when I am all dressed up and at a club it is ALWAYS when I am wearing sweats and at the grocery store or laundrymat! LOL!
Just remember the more you go out the better the odds of finding your soulmate! He's out there somewhere waiting!
my daughter, a lovely young woman, with a body to DIE for, was dumped on valentines day! his loss
The big thing is, he wasn't that into her.
And if after a couple of months, things weren't moving along, he wasn't that into you, and vice-versa no?
But obviously, there are things about you he did enjoy, and liked. Just not the chemistry, and you deserve ALL the good stuff, and will find it elsewhere.
I guarantee, the weight isn't the issue. I bet you have plenty of sexy, and the right guy will see it fine.
good luck
I'm 21, and the thing is that I've never had a boyfriend. Now consciously I know a big part of it is that I don't flirt, because I feel unworthy (due to my weight), but it becomes a vicious cycle -- I don't flirt, because I don't feel desired
There is more going on here than "I feel unworthy due to my weight"'
It sounds like you have some serious self-esteem issues, related to more than your weight. If you had self-confidence, it wouldn't matter if you were slightly over-weight. Your weight gain may even be a matter of self-protection...it gives you an excuse not to be attractive to men, instead of looking at the real reason. You need to feel confident and attractive in yourself first, before a guy will be attracted to you, and it's not your body that makes you feel that way. You are young, and have a lot of time to develop and grow up, but I think you need to do some introspection on why you feel so unworthy. It might help you to get some counseling. It might prevent you from living a life of dieting and self-flaggellation, and not understanding why you gain weight and why you feel so desperate for a relationship. Desperation is not attractive.
And I speak from a perspective of a woman who has lived her life doing what you are doing now. I have been thin and had men attracted to me...not because I was thin, but because that was the only time I had self-confidence. But then they discovered my other flaws, and I'd have problems with my relationships, caused by the issues that I never resolved, and I'd gain weight and allow myself an excuse for why men weren't attracted to me anymore.
I'm safe now. I'm old and don't care if men are attracted to me any more, so it's OK to lose the weight now for myself. I don't need that shield any more.
You are looking for a guy to "fix you" and you need to learn that until you fix yourself, you will not be able to find or hold onto a healthy relationship.
You need to learn to love yourself. You need to learn to value your good qualities and forgive yourself for your imperfections.
Last edited by recidivist; 03-01-2009 at 11:14 PM.
You have been given a lot of good advice here; I had more dates when I was heavier than when I was slimmer, and ... I met my husband when I was heavier too. Like you, I thought 10-20 lbs was the problem; no, it wasn't ... I just wasn't that interested and it showed. Later, I learned to like myself the way I was; and wasn't even looking for a partner at all (even thought I would gladly stay single for the rest of my life), when I met my DH.
I agree with FLATIRON also, if that man was interested in you in a romantic way, he would have made that clear right away; like the first time you were alone together ... NOTE TO SELF: if a guy is romantically interested in me, wild horses couldn't drag him away or stop him from showing it! My brother told me that once and he was right!
Also, there are many men who are outrageous flirts, and they are just stroking their own egos; many have wives or girlfriends, and very unkindly give other women the wrong idea becuz they're on a "ME" trip ... run away from those creeps or tell them to take a hike to Iceland!
Sad thing is -- you have to watch out for those kind of guys who just want to be friends; don't wait 2 months again. Be upfront right away; I was and that cleared the way for the one I would meet later. BTW, I didn't get married until I was '30' years young; so at 21, you are a baby!
Don't be in such a rush: spend some time getting to know yourself, and having some fun and adventure with 'real' girlfriends. That time will help you grow -- learning to appreciate the many wonderful qualities you already have, and building your confidence; then someday, when you least expect it, you will meet him and you will know, just know ... that he's the one!
I hear where you're coming from. I've always been chunky and I haven't been on a date since May 2004. And it's not for lack of looking, or talking to guys. I've even been told, "If you'd lose some of the weight, I'd go out with you in a heartbeat!"
When I started losing weight, I was doing it for them. I've always known that I wanted a guy who liked the inside me more than the outside me, but even now I don't think people stick around long enough to get to know the inside me if they don't like the outside first. BUT!!!!!!! When I started working out and exercising, I started feeling a lot less desperate. I have a little more confidence now, and it didn't take a weight loss of huge amounts to even get that back. And now I feel--honestly--that I'm ok without a man. When the past 4 and a half years I've been mourning a broken engagement, I'm finally ~starting~ to feel more ok with myself.
I know that's probably not what you want to hear, that you'll be ok without a man, but I truly believe we have to learn to be ok with ourselves first. I have a long way to go, and I know it's a difficult journey, but it's one we've got to take.
I think you're right, recidivist -- I definitely think I partly keep the weight on to have an excuse. After all, "everybody knows" guys don't like heavy girls, so if I can blame it on that, then I don't have to blame it on any other factor.
I think it just really didn't help that this particular guy was suddenly acting like, "Oh, I only date Bar Rafaeli" or whatever. He's overweight, too. And it's probably just his own insecurities, but it still felt like, "Gee, even someone who should be in my 'league' doesn't want me."
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I agree with FLATIRON also, if that man was interested in you in a romantic way, he would have made that clear right away; like the first time you were alone together ... NOTE TO SELF: if a guy is romantically interested in me, wild horses couldn't drag him away or stop him from showing it! My brother told me that once and he was right!
That was the thing, though -- he did. Which is why I think he has his own set of insecurities. As bad as this sounds, I think he liked me (because he would always give me these lingering hugs, ask me to stay longer, sit with me, whisper with me in movies, etc.) but I think he wants to *date* a girl for show. The funny thing is that his best friend is with a bigger girl, and the other friends constantly mock him for dating a "harpie". This guy doesn't date, so I think he just assumes that if you're not dating some super-hot chick, everyone will make fun of you.
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I've even been told, "If you'd lose some of the weight, I'd go out with you in a heartbeat!"
Some people are unbelievable.
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I know that's probably not what you want to hear, that you'll be ok without a man, but I truly believe we have to learn to be ok with ourselves first. I have a long way to go, and I know it's a difficult journey, but it's one we've got to take.
It wouldn't have been what I'd wanted to hear two days ago, but I'd much rather hear it now -- the fact is that I want a PhD, and I'm not even done my Undergrad. That's a lot of moving around, instability and just a lack of knowing where I'll be a year from now... for about the next 7-10 years or so. I need to get okay with me first, because I have a lot going on in my own life to let this one little chunk bring me down.
I weigh around the same as you and the other day (literally just the other day) I was feeling depressed about myself and my weight and the fact that people don't openly hit on me the way they do alll of my gorgeous skinny girlfriends.
But then I started to think about the fact that, like you, I avoid social situations that make me uncomfortable. I avoid making eye contact with guys or talking to guys because I don't want to put myself out there the slightest bit for fear of being mocked or rejected. I would always rather seem like the least-interested person in the room than the desperate fat girl.
BUT that day I decided to start making a concerted effort to take myself out of the comfort zone and make myself uncomfortable--get out of the house more, make direct eye contact and be assertive and friendly and personable. All my life I would rather stay home and watch movies or read books alone than go out and feel the slightest bit uncomfortable about myself or feel like I was being judged by every one else.
Literally as soon as I made the decision to say yes more, put myself out there and turn on the charm, beam self-confidence even though I have very little, I had three guys all equally interested in me. Three VERY CUTE guys. Two of which I've had big crushes on since high school. I hadn't lost any obvious weight at all, looked the same as I have my ENTIRE life, and that one simple change was like flipping on a lightbulb. and the moths came.
Don't be afraid to take the risks--I know how risky it can feel to actually strike up a conversation with a cute guy, or even to put yourself in a social situation outside of your comfort zone.
The thing is, if you think you're fabulous, other people will think so too. Its as if the suggestion that you are a hot piece of, well, you know, becomes written across your face and people automatically believe that its true. People used to tell me this all the time in high school when I was just as shy and awkward as I am now, but I didn't know how to apply it then because I didn't believe it then. But once I started believing that I was a catch, it appears I became one. When you walk into a room with determined self confidence, it shows, and people pick up on that and are attracted to it, no matter how light or heavy you may be. don't let a few extra pounds dictate your life. You're obviously a fabulous and very smart girl (who doesn't want to date a Ph.D?) so don't wait around for everybody else to get it before you do.
The truth is, at 21, most guys are not interested in a relationship, no matter what you look like. They want to party and meet lots of girls.
You said it yourself, heavier girls are getting boyfriends. Honestly, most guys really don't think it's that big a deal if you're overweight. Especially you girl, for your height you are really not *that* heavy. Men don't get enough credit sometimes - if a guy is actually mature enough and ready to be in a relationship, he's not going to write you off for being slightly over weight. We woman tend to think men have this incredibly high standard for us, but really, we judge each other and ourselves way more harshly than they ever do.
The 20 lbs you want to lose will not prevent you from finding a boyfriend. But being self conscious, trying to pick out flaws in yourself, convincing yourself that all men expect and want you to look like some celebrity ... those things will get in the way. Be confident in your body and your self, and you will have *no* trouble finding a man.
I totally agree with what everyone is saying here. This is great advice. The only thing I want to add is that even when you lose whatever weight you are trying to lose, things will be the same for you if you don't feel that you are worthy of the attention. We all deserve to be liked, loved, and cherished.
As for this guy, don't assume that he has his act together. He might not know what he wants yet either. He might not have confidence in himself, he might like someone else. Him rejecting you has nothing to do with you. He obviously thinks you are worthy of spending time with, as he has asked you out for coffees and what not.
I think that's just it, munchievictim -- I think a part of me is aware that I'm shut down to guys. When I honestly thought about it, after having my pity party, guys try to catch my eye on the bus all the time. It's this weird thing... I think because the guy I liked in elementary school right as I was hitting puberty called me "Fatty" and used to talk about how disgusting I was to all of his guy friends... but it's almost as though I think that if a guy is trying to hit on me... secretly he's making fun of me.
I feel that way any time I get hit on blatantly, which isn't often, but it happens. Usually by middle-eastern, or east-indian or black guys, since that stereotype appears to have held pretty true. But regardless, I always blush and stutter and try to get away. Not because I'm not interested, but I'm sure it's a joke.
Which I'll have to get over. One 13-year-old jerk can't mess me up for the rest of my life.
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The truth is, at 21, most guys are not interested in a relationship, no matter what you look like. They want to party and meet lots of girls.
Yeah, and this guy I think has supermodel syndrome and thinks he's going to bag some 20-year-old model-looking girl if he just keeps his standards high enough. I get the feeling that if we'd gone to bed, that would have been fine, but the fact that I wanted to date him was the problem -- he didn't want to be known as my boyfriend. Whatever.
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I totally agree with what everyone is saying here. This is great advice. The only thing I want to add is that even when you lose whatever weight you are trying to lose, things will be the same for you if you don't feel that you are worthy of the attention. We all deserve to be liked, loved, and cherished.
As for this guy, don't assume that he has his act together. He might not know what he wants yet either. He might not have confidence in himself, he might like someone else. Him rejecting you has nothing to do with you. He obviously thinks you are worthy of spending time with, as he has asked you out for coffees and what not.
Love yourself and then love will surround you.
Thank you, and this has helped enormously -- everyone, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to this.
Honestly, your first statement is the truest. The bad thing is that I remember when I was 160 pounds the last time, I got really arrogant about my looks because I hadn't been thin in forever, and I was 15. But apart from that, I had no trouble flirting. I was a HUGE flirt. So I tied all of my self-worth to being "thin" and assumed this unlocked some magic gate of flirtiness. lol.
This is a sweet guy -- don't take my last statement the wrong way, but I think he has a similar issue -- he feels like he needs to land a spectacular girl and this will solve *his* problems. Well, no girl will EVER be good enough to solve all of his problems and make him some bigshot. So eventually he'll have to deal with that, but it's not my business any longer.
One of my good friends is 27 and she's never had a boyfriend because she's bookish and shy and insecure about her body. It's not 'too late'; there are no hard and fast rules for this sort of thing. It's just a matter of confidence, like you've already been told by the smart women here
You are worth loving, you just have to start believing it.
Another anecdote: My nephew is 26 and I don't know that he's ever had a date. He's tall, nice looking, as funny as can be, and has a great job and work ethic. He's just very shy and doesn't pursue girls even though he likes them. So 21 is not too old to never have had a date; many people (including me!) would be better off if they had slowed down, taken the time to do the things they want to do and learn who they are before they get mixed up in a relationship.
I'm in my 40's and have been divorced for 12 years. I have kids your age, Vikkivma. And I still struggle with societal pressures, which makes me question, "Why have I been single so long? Am I unloveable? Do I have some fatal flaw that I'm not seeing?". The reality is that I LIKE being single, even though I also feel lonely sometimes. So I think that the struggle that you're going through is a very human one, and it's just the place that you are right now. Keep focused on being true to yourself, keeping healthy, developing your interests and stay open to the possibilities that life offers!
I'm not saying that you are desperate, but sometimes girls who really want a boyfriend give off a sense of desperation to guys and they hate that. As soon as I actually truly stopped wanting a boyfriend and was really into being single, I met my husband... go figure!
Take a break... for the next few months promise yourself that you are going to be into you and you only. Get your hair done, get a spray tan, get a pedicure and forget about the guys.... Once they think they can't have you, they'll want you!
I got divorced over 4 years ago. I weighed close to the same that I weigh now. Maybe 10 lbs lighter. I had never really dated before, so I was excited to get out there and meet new people. I really like having a partner and being in love. So, I joined several dating websites and started chatting with people. I was honest about who I was. I also knew that some guys wouldn't even talk to me because I was overweight. It really didn't bother me. I think that everyone has their preferences. I certainly didn't like everyone out there. I had no problem finding guys that liked me. I had more of a problem finding guys that I liked. I think what helped was my attitude towards the situation. I was determined that there was someone out there for me and that I was going to go through a whole bunch of bad dates to get there. And there were some really bad ones.
Actually, the person that I met really early on ended up being my husband. It just took us awhile to get exclusive. I'm so happy that I didn't let my weight get in the way. I also never went into the date thinking that they wouldn't like me. I came in with and open mind and an open heart.
uhhh...maybe the guys in nyc are more shallow (actually, many of them probably are), but i have DEFINITELY been told by guys that i'm awesome and they would totally want to date me if only i weren't so fat. i mean, maybe not in those exact words, but that was the gist.
NOTE TO SELF: if a guy is romantically interested in me, wild horses couldn't drag him away or stop him from showing it! 
My brother told me that once and he was right!
