i have dated a lot, been in a few long term relationships, and am w/ guy i am going to marry now. anyway, from dating around a lot i was forced to learn that when a guy isn't interested, it's not a reflection on me or my worth. i used to think "oh he must have thought i was ugly, or fat." this wasnt necessarily the case. it's just he didn't feel it. sometimes i didnt feel it either, and it wasn't because the guy was overweight or unattractive.

once i learned this, it was easy for me to more confident on dates because, hey maybe if this guy doesnt like me or i dont like him, that doesn't make me better or worse... and someone else will come along that i do connect with.

I never had a boyfriend until I was 19, and all through middle- and high-school when all the thin pretty girls around me were whooping it up Friday nights I thought, "I'm just too ugly, too weird, and too shy for romance. Nobody will ever like me as more than a study-buddy." Then during freshman year of college I saw plenty of girls heavier and happier in love than me, and one day I said "Screw ideals; I'll wow them with my me-ness!" and got up the courage to ask a guy out and pretend during the dates that I was confident, fun, and desirable. He was more interested in his career than me, and I wasn't that into him as more than my 'trial run', but it really boosted my confidence that he said yes for a couple of brunches and soon after I met the guy I've been living with for the past two years. This one, surprisingly, really believes I'm confident, fun and desirable. He didn't give a tinker's dam that I was overweight; he says I looked hot because I acted it.

I'm new to this forum, and I'm really impressed with all these good answers. I never dated much when I was about your age, either. I knew it, and I missed it, but I figured I was stuck with it and my introverted personality. and my 5'4" 160# self. I concentrated on getting into med school. I got very excited with the whole career thing, and realized I couldn't really handle a serious boyfriend anyway. I still went out with a few guys for fun. I was always surprised when they asked me to marry them (5.) WTF? I was always surprised by 'I love you' and once was only able to mumble out "Uh...thank you." By the time I started dating my husband in med school, his best friend put me up against the wall and told me M****) was not in my league, that I chewed men up and spit them out, and more or less warned me not to hurt him. I felt so innocent and misundersood--I never led anybody on! Everybody knew I was career all the way!

What I was, was a social moron, well probably something worse than that but I plead the 5th. My self-esteem was so low concerning men, and I so truly had disengaged, that I couldn't see real feelings when they were lying next to me in bed.

So this answer offers no wisdom, only experience perhaps you can use as a cautionary tale.

I'll tell all you ladies out there struggling with finding dates and/or relationships a story about a woman I once knew. (No it's not me..lol)

By her own admission, she was not that physically attractive. As a matter of fact, she was sort of plain looking, and I don't say that to be mean. She was overweight by about 40 pounds and if you saw only a picture of her you would actually think she was sort of ugly. Now that being said, she never lacked for male attention. NEVER. As a matter of fact nearly every guy in the office we worked at thought she was sexy. If we ever went out socially, this woman had men buying her drinks and chatting her up ALL THE TIME!. Now at the time I was much younger than I am now, and looked really good if I do say so myself, and the guy I was dating at the time commented on how sexy she was after a social event. "Really?" I asked. "Yeah, really" he answered. I asked him what was so sexy about her (I was too courious to be jealous), and all he could say was he didn't know what it was about her, she just had IT.

It drove me insane trying to figure out her allure, so I started noticing her more. To my suprise, she became more an more attractive TO ME (but not in a "I had a crush on her way"). So one day I invited her out to dinner and drinks and after a couple of glasses of wine I finally just blurted out the question I had been wondering for a long time..."Why do men find you so attractive?" To my suprise she wasn't even offended. As a matter of fact she had a good laugh over it. When she stopped laughing she gave me some of the best advice I had ever received and I'm passing it on to you now.

She said..."I figured out a long time ago, I was never going to be conventionally pretty. My hair is kind of frizzy, I hate working out and I love my doughnuts, so I'm probably going to be overweight until the day I die. I learned I would not be able to rely on my looks and more importantly, I accepted it. Men find me attractive, because I find me attractive. I'm comfortable in my own skin. When I go out, I'm not expecting to meet the love of my life, I'm expecting to just have a good time, have a drink, laugh and meet new people. If I end up dating someone for a long period of time, then great, if not, then I got to go out for a nice meal and meet someone that might end up being a friend. Because of that, I am relaxed, get to know the person, and I don't feel like I have to read them all my good points just so they will like me. I already like me, and if you like me then that's great, and if you don't then in the grand scheme of things why should that make me feel worse about myself?"

She was so right. I stopped stressing over every single first date I had. I stopped worrying "What if he doesn't like me?" because it was just a DATE. At the very worst, I was going out to have a nice meal with a new person and have a hopefully nice conversation. If it worked out, fine, if it didn't, so what? I liked me. You wouldn't buy a car from a salesperson that wasn't so sure of his product, but you expect someone to fall in love with you when you aren't so in love with yourself?

I have given this advice to every girl I know when she starts dating. It is only a date. It is only eye contact with a cute guy in Starbucks. If he comes over and says hello, then great. If he doesn't, then so what? It doesn't have to be as big of a deal as women make it out to be. To let a stranger's rejection cause you such hurt is to give too much of your power away.

To the original poster, the guy may have given you mixed signals and his rejection may hurt, but try to look on the brightside...at least you found out fairly early on. Why he only wants to be friends shouldn't even be a question for you because it will only make you feel bad about yourself. Just accept it and move on. If you still want to be friends, and can be JUST friends, then do it. You never know, he may introduce you to new people, and at the very worst, you have someone to go to the movies with.

I would never want a guy that just wanted me for my looks. Looks are very fleeting--age always comes around and a hotter, younger girl is always coming off the assembly line. In addition, what would happen if I was diagnosed with a disease or was in an accident or if we encountered a REAL problem? If this guy was looking for a supermodel be glad he passed you over. In the long run, you are so much better off.

There is nothing wrong w/being sexy and attractive--in my experience, it draws men like flies. There are lots of shallow guys out there that assign way too much importance to it though. You can be sure they aren't keepers.

As a 30-something, I would encourage you to work on yourself during this time. Your dream man is working on himself too. When you find each other, you'll be ready.

I know how you feel with guys judging so much on weight. I noticed even guys that are big themselves want some thin girl too. It's like a trophy. I don't know..I understand wanting someone attractive...but guys these days are so hung up on looks/weight they seem to forget looks fade. Women gain weight with kids, age, anything can happen to your body/looks.

It's a major turnoff when a guy automatically puts "attractive" "slim" on his list of requirements... and even when a guy finds me attractive if all he can say is how pretty I am or how nice I look (alot of girls probably like that)...it's like he's not interested in anything about ME. I don't want a guy liking me just for looks or my body either... Am I being too picky?

Ringmaster, you are not being too picky at all. While I agree looks might be enough to catch someone's attention, hey women are guilty of it too, but if that's all someone sees then they aren't looking close enough. I'm of the opinion you can only look at someone for so long until you have to have an actual conversation.

I am in the EXACT same boat as you are. I have a really sweet cute guy friend, who I've been friends with for awhile and I really thought he liked me. He sent sweet emails and text messages and everytime I saw him, I thought we were flirting. So I was devastated when I finally told him that I liked him and he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. It's incredibly frustrating and I am so SICK of being single.

I agree that it's frustrating that some heavy girls seem to have no trouble at all finding boyfriends, and others can be single as the day they're born.
Good luck, I'll be thinking of you!