From220, I was at a club one night some friends. I was thinner, my friend was short, the other tall and thin...we were going to the ladies room *you must go in groups you know* and there were 2 fellows there..rating girls. We overheard them saying fat & ugly, pretty & gorgeous. Well my short friend broke into tears in the bathroom over it. Being the headstrong defender...I went out and had a chat with those boys...they ended up apologizing...redfaced and all.
I love this saying btw..."Do you realize you just said that out loud?"
I'm sorry you all have been hurt. I laugh at folks like this.
but here's a kicker don't you love when they offer advice and it's WRONG????
I was at a training session, they offered pastries for everyone to eat, I took out my 5.5 oz can of v8 and a hard boiled egg
the woman who was the RECEPTIONIST at this training session for IT SPECIALISTS SNATCHED IT OUT OF MY hand and said "that stuff is bad for you it has High Fructose Corn Syrup in it"... I just stood there waiting for her to read the ingredients... at which point she sheepishly handed my beverage back to me and said "oh I guess it doesn't"
I'd been on South Beach for TWO years already and she was preaching to the choir.. and she was wrong... it was priceless.
Of course she was trying to be mean! I try and feel badly for people who do and say things like that. They must have more demons swirling around in their brains than I do. They pick the one thing that they feel is "okay" about themselves and then take apart anyone who doesn't have *that particular area* correct, according to them.
Some people say stupid things - and not just to fat women. A confident person puts it back on the person being an idiot. Confidence isn't easy, but it's so worth it. An opinion, is just that an opinion, not fact.
I find humor the best response. Hostile when it needs to me (you're an idiot, aren't you?) or gentle if the person is well-meaning, but misdirected (you didn't think before you opened your mouth, did you?)
Whether a person is commenting on your weight or your shoes, it's about them, not you.
I find that most people who offer unsolicited advice really just want to brag without making it seem that way. They want to tell you all about how they did it, if they lost weight or how they would do it if they had to lose. The funny thing is that most of them could stand to lose a few and if not, they probably think they should. So they go to you the "fat" person with advice to boost their own egos to prove to themselves that they know how to do it and then walk away thinking they did humanity a favor. I've dealt with so many of these types of people....strangers, coworkers, family and friends. I agree with the not-being-a-doormat mentality, and forget being "polite"! I'm not saying to cuss them out, but don't sugar coat the fact that they are being rude and mean. Even if they are well meaning, that doesn't change the fact that they are rude and when it comes to social interaction, perception is everything. You could mean well all the way to the moon, but if you are ignorant of what is acceptable means of public behavior then you aren't going to get anywhere. My mom said it best "If life is a journey that you walk through, you aren't going to get far with your foot in your mouth." If people want to think I'm mean for telling them to lay off, then I'm ok with that b/c I'm not going to let ignorant, well-meaning, or evil-minded people drag me down.
My favorite response when someone says something really inappropriate is to look at them with a sort of quizzical, mildly surprised look on my face and say "Do you realize you just said that out loud?"
And then shake my head and walk away.
.
Loooove this response. I will absolutely put this into practice!!
Yellofly, I disagree - we are as responsible for our feelings as our actions, and we can choose to change them. Sometimes it is hard (but it's hard to change behaviors too).
Our feelings are generally due to "self-talk," and to a large degree we can choose to talk to ourselves differently.
I don't think it is her fault that she feels a certain way. You can't help how you feel about something.
You can't always help how you feel at an immediate moment, but you can help how you react to those feelings. And you can LEARN to not feel a certain way in a certain situation.
Often what we feel is based on our conditioned response and you CAN change that and learn to feel differently. I know. I've been there.
IN fact I've been in the exact same position of *feeling* hurt and embarrassed when someone said something rude to me. It took me years of learning and advice from someone who I trusted a lot to make me realize that I *could* control how I felt - by respecting myself.
Now when someone is rude to me, I don't immediately take it personally. I don't allow myself to be hurt by the random comments of a stranger. I know I'm a good, kind, caring, smart, talented person and that some drunk stranger with an attitude problem shouldn't be allowed to ruin my day or my evening.
Did she allow it to happen? To a degree, yes. She gave a stranger power over her feelings and her actions. And I don't mean that harshly or meanly ... just as a statement of fact. We all do it - I do it far more than I should.
The trick is recognizing that we do it and working towards doing it less!
This reminds me of a story about Bev Francis. She was swimming in a pool and this guy with good intentions came up to her and told her she was a very pretty girl. Then proceeded to tell her that if she cut back a little and excercised some more she could lose that extra weight and be stunning. Ms Olympia, professional bodybuilder, ungodly low body fat. She smiled and thanked him then finished her swim. If a world powerlifting champion gets it the rest of us can't escape. But we can face it with the same style and graciousness. ( I have a bit of hero worship here )
Thank the ignorant, smile at them and walk away. Then thank God that you are not them.
How you feel about something is actually something that ONLY you control.
Making others responsible for how you feel is a slippery slope. Gives away a lot of power!
Some people just don't know how to read a room. They talk too close. They don't know their breath stinks. They think their advances are welcomed when they are not. And some people think it's their right to share their opinion on ANYTHING with ANYONE. And then they want you to believe their intentions were good and it's your fault for not liking how they've behaved.
And they're right! How you feel about how someone else behaves is all about you.
Her statements about the original poster's weight (and haircolor, too for that matter) were all about HER. And the original poster's reaction to that person's statements are all about the original poster.
Finding a way to be less attached to what anyone says to you or about you (on any topic, no matter what their intentions) will be one of the nicest things you ever do for yourself.
Being emotionally influenced by what others say and/or do will leave you feeling powerless and always dictated by the mood/actions of others. That's awful! (In my opinion, anyway. And I'm not attached to having anyone agree with me. See how that works?)
Sign my name to PhotoChick's and kaplod's comments above, as usual.
Good luck shaking it off! It just takes practice. Some folks are going to share their unsolicited opinion about anything, no matter what your weight might be. Why wait 'til you're thinner to not care what they say?
I tend to assume the best intentions of others. That doesn't mean I blindly trust people, but I assume that most people are well-intentioned, and therefore when someone says something stupid, I don't usually get angry or offended (knowing I sometimes say stupid stuff too). But that doesn't mean I have to believe or agree with the stupid comments. When they're intentionally being rude, I have even LESS reason to pay attention to their opinion.
It is about confidence. If you're confident that the sky is blue, you don't get upset when someone tells you it's orange. It's only when you're afraid that what they say "might be true," or worry about others thinking it's true, that you get really worked up about other people's foolishness. And that's what it is foolishness - thinking that you want or need advice on the subject is a big, foolish assumption.
But think of all the other foolish advice you get in your life. Mostly, when you recognize it as foolish, it's kind of funny. I've gotten some pretty lame advice from alot of people over the years (not all of it related to my weight, either). I remember someone telling me that all I had to do (I don't remember if it was to lose weight, or to not get sick) was drink a glass of orange juice every day (yeah, orange juice is a miracle substance apparently).
I've had so many people give me advice or remedies to cure or fix my weight problems, arthritis, fibromyalgia, spinal problems, love life, childlessness, financial situation, acne, rosacea, hair color, hairstyle.......
If it's "good" advice, I consider it. If it's bull poop, I ignore it. Some of it is so silly, I laugh at it, and tell the story over and over to everyone I know (so hopefully the person with the bad advice isn't a mutual friend - because I will name names).
I still remember a boss telling me that all I needed to do to keep from getting sick was to drink a glass of orange juice every morning (this from a chain smoker). He may never have gotten "sick" with colds and flus, but I hear he dropped dead of a heart attack (I was no longer working there), looks like orange juice doesn't cure everything.
Finding a way to be less attached to what anyone says to you or about you (on any topic, no matter what their intentions) will be one of the nicest things you ever do for yourself.
Being emotionally influenced by what others say and/or do will leave you feeling powerless and always dictated by the mood/actions of others.
Yes, yes, yes. A thousand times yes.
I spent far too long giving control of my happiness to other people. I still have to fight the urge to do it. But ultimately I am not responsible for anyone else's behavior/feelings/actions but mine.
First, to the OP. That woman had no right striking up a conversation with you just to hand out weight-loss advice. I'd be more than a little shocked. Most likely I'd give my best & most patronizing "OoooOOOooo.... that's... interesting advice. Thank you." And then get my hair dye and move along.
However, with advice, especially bad advice, I think a plain and simple "Thank you" is all that is needed. The more I grow into myself as a healthy eater (does that make sense?), the more comfortable I become, the more I realize that others' advice is truly all about them.
This sounds silly... but they aren't giving advice because they want to help you, they're giving it because they want you to take their advice. Okay, granted this doesn't hold true for all people who give out notes on what they've done. But, many times it seems that way with strangers. So that "Oh, thank you" is all they want to hear. I say, give it to them, go on your own way doing your own thing
(Reading through the responses, I take them all to heart. But the one that I think resonates with me the most right now is (Thank you, Photo) "Why do you think you have the right to say that to me?" to throw at those who are truly being rude.)
There is no hope to escape criticism
And I'm not attached to having anyone agree with me. See how that works?)
