Funny you should ask today, because they were going really well until this weekend. We'd had some civil conversations, and things seemed smooth. Then, this weekend, we were at the same wedding where everyone thought we were still together and I had to go around telling people we weren't, while he was telling them we were.
So tonight we had a talk about it, because I wanted to know why he was telling people we were still together. And he said he thought we were! That just because we were on a break didn't mean we were broken up. And then it turned into the whole big conversation/argument again. How he thought I wanted to lose weight, and how I told him at the beginning of our relationship I wanted to lose weight, so the only reason I was fighting him on this was some "psychology" of mine. He just can't deal with the drama and "psychology". And I was like... you're the drama king here, *I* thought this was all done with, you're the one who has "psychology" to deal with!
Then it turned into a "you're choosing this" and "once I date other people, it'll be completely over between us, there's no going back" and "we've put nearly 5 years of our lives into this, and you're willing to throw it away because I want you to do something that you already want to do!". I realized they were just manipulations, but it was a very emotional night. He just left an hour ago, saying he thinks if this is "my choice" then he thinks we need a clean break.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mollymom
TO **** with him, I want to hear more about the kittens! I "self-medicated" with kittens for years....is how I ended up with four cats LOL Sadly now I am down to three due to being Murphy getting old and diabetic and I wouldn't thank him for seventeen years of love by poking him with a needle twice a day.
After this argument, I went directly to the kittens! They were sleeping, but they didn't mind being scooped up and loved I think a cat's purr can soothe just about anything.
Molly, I have 3 also! They really are so cute. The kittens are nearing 7 months now, one's a long-haired black boy who is just a little lover, and the other is a dilute tortie girl. She has soft gray, peach and white in a multi-colored pattern all over and is soooo inquisitive. I also have a grown-up cat, and he is finally getting used to the little ones. I lost my best-friend cat this past May to lymphoma. He was a trooper, and the last thing I could really do for him was to let him go. He'd been with me 12 years, and was so dedicated -- he really was more dog than cat.
I got the kittens a couple months later from a rescue agency, they're brother & sister and had been abandoned. If I could, I think I would definitely adopt all the animals out there! I've been known to keep a bag of treats in my car, just in case I find a stray who needs taken care of
Quote:
Originally Posted by mollymom
I like to say I sleep with three men every night ...neutered men, but gentle, loving, non-critical, adore me for who I am men
LOL! I love that. One of the best things about him being gone, is the fact the kittens can now sleep with me!
Thinking of, he said one other thing that is bothering me. That he thought I must be fine with myself and like myself the way I am (which sounded like an insult, the way it was said), or else I would've lost the weight by now. If it was a priority, I would put it first and lose the weight. But since I haven't, it must not be a priority.
I don't know if this is true or not. I struggle to accept myself for who I am rather than what I look like, and definitely have self-hate days, but I have times where I am happy and do think I'm fine-- that my weight doesn't define me. So yeah, maybe sometimes I am fine with myself. But I do really *want* to lose weight. Since I haven't been successful, maybe I haven't put it as a top priority. I've given myself lots of excuses over the years. But -- I don't necessarily think that wanting something and following it all the way through are synonymous. Just because I haven't succeeded doesn't mean I don't want it, and doesn't mean I won't be successful in the future. I really didn't like the implications of what he said.
Okay, after writing a little, I think I feel better now. Thank you all for being there!
Once you no longer allow yourself to be subjected to that man's judgments you'll be better able to see what you yourself want and follow through on it.
It always sounds so strange to me when a man takes such a big interest in a woman's weight loss. I don't mean being supportive, I mean as though suddenly they are the drill sargeant who had the idea in the first place. To my way of thinking it's a sure sign that the man wants to make the woman over to fit some sort of ideal in his head. And if the woman has been going along with this for awhile out of some mistaken idea that that's love, it's no wonder she is confused about what she really wants.
Stay away from him. Don't have these "civil conversations." My suggestion is that you break from him completely--no phone calls, no running into each other, no exchanges of personal belongings, blah blah blah. Just stay away. I think it would be GREAT if things were over between you and there was no going back.
Then it turned into a "you're choosing this" and "once I date other people, it'll be completely over between us, there's no going back" and "we've put nearly 5 years of our lives into this, and you're willing to throw it away because I want you to do something that you already want to do!". I realized they were just manipulations, but it was a very emotional night. He just left an hour ago, saying he thinks if this is "my choice" then he thinks we need a clean break.
It already is over. He just didn't realize it. Probably sad and annoyed that it was you that broke up with him. What he says just makes it seem like he's just trying now to save face & be the one who "chooses" to break up with you.
Quote:
Thinking of, he said one other thing that is bothering me. That he thought I must be fine with myself and like myself the way I am (which sounded like an insult, the way it was said), or else I would've lost the weight by now.
There's nothing wrong with liking yourself, but knowing where improvements can be made! I like myself. I can certainly be healthier. So that's what I'm working towards. That's what we're all working towards. Continue to like yourself the way you are. You know you're making changes. There is only one person you have to answer, so look yourself in the mirror and find out what that person really thinks.
I was wondering how everyone's SO or if single, their boyfriends/new dates, have reacted to the weight loss (and loose skin that comes with it) ?
Have they been overall supportive and a help, or not supportive and afraid of the change, or toooo supportive and go all super-trainer on you 24/7? Anyone receive ultimatums? Or go through a relationship upheaval due to weight loss/loose skin alone?
I've been dating a guy for over 4 years, and while he's supportive and loves the weight loss... but he's sometimes too supportive. If you know what I mean. Like, gets mad at me for not being super gung-ho obsessed with diet and exercise. And he's given ultimatums. He is disturbed by the amount of loose skin & cellulite. Sometimes he looks up things I can do to get rid of loose skin & cellulite and tells me the treatments. Other than that, he's very loving and supportive
He says he thinks I'm the one for him and that he loves me, and while sometimes he's attracted... a lot of times he's a little grossed out. He wants to spend his life with a "normal" looking girl. I know, it doesn't sound so nice, but how can I blame him when I can see exactly what he's seeing? It's not a pretty picture. He says he wants my outside to be beautiful so that it reflects the beauty inside, so that everyone can see what he knows.
I think he's rather selfish & shallow, but overall he's a nice guy. Even if what he says sounds horrible, he's really not a horrible person. I've never told anyone (friends, family, etc) how he feels, because I know if I told anyone that he doesn't want to get married until I've lost weight and had plastic surgery to remove loose skin they'd think he was awful. But no one can really understand, except those of us who have the weight to lose, or have lost weight. Regular people just don't know what it means to know you're a good and worthwhile person, but still know that your skin looks disgusting. I think if I was just large, but firm and smooth skinned, it wouldn't be such a big issue. It's that my skin is all cottage cheese and loose and hangs... and I still have 60 pounds to lose.
Right now I'm 36 and single, and have never had kids. We've been dating for over 4 years, and I just feel like.. if I'm ever going to get married and have kids I'm going to have to do it soon. I'll be too old to have kids in just a few years. I want to lose weight for me, not him. But I agree with him that the loose skin is kind of yucky. But, as someone told me the other day on my blog... if I decided to get skin surgery it has to be for ME too, not for him. Even if he tries to tell me that if I loved him, I would do these things for him.
I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this with their guy, or what they did go through with their guy. It would be lovely if all SO's & guys we date were supportive and loved us just how we look, but I know that doesn't happen all the time. If it did happen and you have a good story, I'd love to hear that too!
there's a difference between being supportive and being ultimative...that's wrong for him to tell you that he loves you but from your weight loss you gross him out. That would hurt me so much, I don't think I could live with that....if he truly loved you he'd love you for you. Enough said. Good luck.
I don't know how to quote accurately , and I end up quoting whole darn posts but "I MUST BE FINE WITH MYSELF OR I WOULD HAVE LOST THE WEIGHT" or something to that effect?
Well that is the final nail in his coffin for me..just pass me the hammer and I will dig the hole and cover him up too. That shows clearly that unless you are "at an ideal weight" there is nothing else to be admired or celebrated about you/me/all of us here as complete people and not just our bodies...OOOH he is lucky this woman isn't closer or he would need serious surgery to put himself back together if I ever got near him, and no woman judge would convict me for the assault either.
We are so much more than our external appearances and that is the battle we fight everyday.
I may not have a perfect *** but I have two degrees, I am kind, I am a great cook, I have a great sense of humour. I am a great friend, a good teacher, kind to children and animals. I donate to charity, take art classes, I can paint, and sew and fix more stuff around the house than a lot of men! I am a published author, I conduct teaching workshops, I could give gardening seminars. I speak two languages fairly fluently and I can say : "WHere is my hotel? More wine please. Where is the bathroom? and Could I have some non-sparkling water?" in a few more. I can balance a budget and I manage my own investments! I can book a flight online, and I hooked up my own satellite, TV and entertainment center thank you! IN addition I pay my own bills, manage my own household, cut my grass, put out my own garbage. BUT I MUST BE FINE WITH MYSELF OR I WOULD HAVE LOST THE WEIGHT BY NOW? I am fine with everything about myself, and I am losing the weight for myself...not for anyone.
OOOOOOOOOH.....GRRRRRRR...but I guess none of that counts due to my body if HE were judging me. SMACK SMACK SMACK! NAIA next time you see him...SMACK HIM..and say that is from my friend MOLLYMOM! (I hope this made some sense because it is hard to see through the red mist LOL)
Isn't this an intersting topic. My ex....(still live in the same house) says he loves me either way, big or small...but he too bugs the crap out of me when I do not eat right..complains about the money I have wasted on programs. Yet he smokes and eats allot of junk, has an adversion to veggies, and eats once a day...
Now that we have split up, I spend my money how I want to, and I feel better about it. He also doesn't have any right to nag at me regarding my eating or not.
I worry that who ever I find down the road, may not like the weightloss/etc, but if they do no , then they obviously won't be the right one for me.
Thinking of, he said one other thing that is bothering me. That he thought I must be fine with myself and like myself the way I am (which sounded like an insult, the way it was said), or else I would've lost the weight by now. If it was a priority, I would put it first and lose the weight. But since I haven't, it must not be a priority.
I don't know if this is true or not. I struggle to accept myself for who I am rather than what I look like, and definitely have self-hate days, but I have times where I am happy and do think I'm fine-- that my weight doesn't define me. So yeah, maybe sometimes I am fine with myself. But I do really *want* to lose weight. Since I haven't been successful, maybe I haven't put it as a top priority. I've given myself lots of excuses over the years. But -- I don't necessarily think that wanting something and following it all the way through are synonymous. Just because I haven't succeeded doesn't mean I don't want it, and doesn't mean I won't be successful in the future. I really didn't like the implications of what he said.
Naia,
You hit the nail right on the head with what I put in bold above... your weight doesn't define you! It doesn't mean it's not important and that you're not working darn hard at improving something you don't necessarily like the most about yourself, but that it isn't who you are. It only defines what size clothing you wear and maybe how fast you can run a mile, not what kind of character a person has. If it did, maybe mister "9% body fat" would have some character. As it is, I still think you made the very best decision... a clean break sounds like exactly what you need. You recognize that he's trying to manipulate you into getting back together and a big, fat, BRAVO!! to you for not giving in to him. Better 5 years invested then 50 years, right? You got out before it was too late, before it couldn't all be undone. GOOD FOR YOU!!
Now go cuddle up with those adorable little kittens of yours... pets are awesome for bringing on a smile.
P.S. - I want to take issue with you saying that you "haven't been successful" losing weight. Girl, you've lost 75 pounds! SEVENTY FIVE!! That's huge, awesome, earth-shattering success! Just because you're not quite at goal yet doesn't mean you aren't successful. Even if you didn't lose another ounce, you've still been wildly successful in weight loss.
Hi Jay I agree! It has to be completely over. It sucks that there are still friends we knew together and events I don't want to miss just because he might show up too. I know he can push buttons just because he knows me, so the farther apart we are the better I am able to see clearly. I'm just going to have to completely distance myself from him.
Faerie-- Thankyou! I think you're exactly right. He wanted to feel like he still had the power, and try to make things all my fault again so that he could save face, and not be the one broken up with. I loved when you said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faerie
There's nothing wrong with liking yourself, but knowing where improvements can be made! I like myself. I can certainly be healthier. So that's what I'm working towards.
That's what I needed to think of in the moment! He just spun my head a little, and I couldn't think of how to express myself. But yes, that's it. You can like yourself, but still know where you want to improve. Not unlike wanting to improve your vocabulary, or go back to school, or do anything that improves or enriches your life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mollymom
Well that is the final nail in his coffin for me..just pass me the hammer and I will dig the hole and cover him up too.
Molly, LOL! I know just the spot to bury him in! Loved your post -- you are one impressive person! I think you should come over and hit him on the head! I have a nice big cast iron skillet....
What really ticks me, is that he expects everything -- for someone to be smart, nice, nurturing, independent, non-needy, non-witchy, successful AND have whatever he considers to be the "ideal" face & body. If one of those is missing, then it practically negates everything else. I told him maybe next time he should give up a few of the other things, so he can get the "looks" in. Go for someone a little more needy & insecure, who will kowtow to his every wish. But, he's not my problem anymore, and he can think whatever he wants, because I don't have to listen!
And, I just have to say, this was a perfect statement to me: "We are so much more than our external appearances and that is the battle we fight everyday. " So true.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gale02
Naia,
You hit the nail right on the head with what I put in bold above... your weight doesn't define you! It doesn't mean it's not important and that you're not working darn hard at improving something you don't necessarily like the most about yourself, but that it isn't who you are. It only defines what size clothing you wear and maybe how fast you can run a mile, not what kind of character a person has. If it did, maybe mister "9% body fat" would have some character.
Thank you! If I were still talking to him, I think I'd tell him exactly that. Especially when he says that if I want someone who will accept me for how I look, then I'm going to have to accept that person for being either ugly or fat, because they would be the only type of guys to overlook it. And I would say "better that, than overlooking a lack of character, like I did with you!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gale02
P.S. - I want to take issue with you saying that you "haven't been successful" losing weight. Girl, you've lost 75 pounds! SEVENTY FIVE!! That's huge, awesome, earth-shattering success! Just because you're not quite at goal yet doesn't mean you aren't successful. Even if you didn't lose another ounce, you've still been wildly successful in weight loss.
I'm just sayin'.
oohh... you're right! Thank you!! Sometimes I forget because it's taken so long (and i've been with the Stupid One for so long), and I recently slipped from the 170's to the 190's (amazing how that can happen so fast!!!). But you're right, I am over half way to the goal! I need to remember that, so thank you again!!
2dogs 1 lady - If there's one thing I've learned through this, it's that if they don't accept you for who you are..... run! I'll be much quicker in the future to cut my losses when some issue like this comes up. Like Gale said, better 5 years than 50... but next time I'll take 5 months over the 5 years
I just came across this thread today. I cried and I laughed while reading through all the posts. I joined this community in July because I had gained about 20 pounds after I quit smoking in May. I was 175 lbs. already so this 20 pounds brought me up to 195 lbs. I knew when I quit smoking that gaining weight was a possibility but I felt working through one thing at a time was a good thing. My boyfriend of the past 5 years apparently did not think so because he has not spoken to me since 2 days before my 46th birthday this past July. When I last saw him he asked how much weight I had gained, I told him I was not sure but about 10-20 lbs., and while he did not say anything he gave me that "disapproving look" A few minutes later he told me to go home as he was going to bed early. He has not called me since and personally I felt there was no reason for me to call him. There are some items of mine that were left at his home but I can not even bring myself to go get them because I do not even want to see him. Making my long story short just to say I know what you are going through. Way to go Naia, you deserve so much better. I. like many others, am cheering you on.
I was just kinda bored and browsing through posts..I did not expect to find something this moving and inspirational! But something bothered me:
you keep saying your @ss exboyfriend wants someone who is the 'whole package', and how unreasonable that is. Uh, hello...you ARE the whole package. You are friggin hot. Skinny does not = attractive. But your face, your hair, your presence, how proportionate you are... now THAT is sexy. Weather you loose or gain 50 pounds from how you are right now, you have so many things going for you (purely in terms of appearance) that you would still be smoking!
It's not that you need to find a guy who doesnt require you to be the whole package. You need to find a guy who realizes you already are!
he expects everything -- for someone to be smart, nice, nurturing, independent, non-needy, non-witchy, successful AND have whatever he considers to be the "ideal" face & body. If one of those is missing, then it practically negates everything else.
Naia- I just wanted to quote you re: his ideals. I've read this thread from its start and it seems to me that while you have your own goal and improvements to work toward, he has never once said to you" while you are working so hard to improve this I will work hard to improve something about myself." Nothing is more encouraging than someone who shares in your hard work. With his lofty ideals, any woman that he finds in the future that actually possesses any smarts, independence, or nice demeanor would quickly kick his butt to the curb once they realized what type of man hereally is.
So I know changes, especially ones of the heart are hard once you've put so much of yourself into them(4 years is a long time!), but you've made the right choice. With this alleviation of stress in your life your other goals will be much more easily attainable. I will be sending you lots of beautiful energy in abundance.
Wow this is an interesting thread. I need to keep reading... just wanted to share a bit of experience.
My first husband married me at 140 pounds and very fit. He was happy with my body then, and was just as supportive and accepting as I got up to 200 pounds and back down to 168 again. We divorced for unrelated issues, and then the unrelenting taunting about my weight ensued. He made fun of me in front of our kids.
My second husband married me at 260ish pounds and loved my body up through 278, at which point he said my butt was perfect and he loved my body. I had some health issues and we both knew I needed to lose weight. (He had never been with a heavy person before but had been very supportive of me either way). When I started losing weight things fell apart, but I am not sure if it is really related to the weight, or his worry I might get thin and want someone new, or what. But he said things like, "I am not attracted to skinny women." I lost 60 pounds and he said he no longer wanted to be married. He did not relate it to the weight whatsoever. Now he is gone and I want to reconcile, but not sure what's going to happen.
I have to lose the weight no matter what he thinks or does. We all have to do what is best for OUR lives.
After reading this whole thread on a rather depressing day for myself...I am wondering How are you doing? It has been awhile since you posted to this thread...Is anyone thinking what I am thinking?..LOL!
Okay, you have obviously gotten a zillion responses to this post, but I gotta put in my 2 cents!!
This is NOT the guy you want to grow old with, is it?? Would you make the same demands on him?? What if crocodiles bit off his face tomorrow and he was horribly disfigured? Would you still love him, or be grossed out? Do not sell yourself short, you deserve to be loved for who you are, not how hot you look so he can show you off to his friends!! Sorry, but I was single for a long time before the love of my life showed up, and everyday I am grateful that I didn't settle for those guys that 'loved me, but...'! (Does that make sense?)
I have gained 50lbs+ since we first got together. And he is a big workout junkie (and so much better at dieting than I am)! I worried about gaining weight - you know that he wouldn't love me as much, or would be embarrassed by me. I worried unnecessarily - and thank God everyday that this man loves me for who I am!
You deserve no less, you are gorgeous and if the loose skin bothers you - that is one thing, but you cannot do this to make him happy. What happens when you start getting wrinkles, or (God fobid) you had something else happen that was health related. You want a guy is is THERE, through thick and thin, and WANTS to be there because he thinks that you are the most amazing thing in the universe!!!
I know I am sounding very harsh, but like you said, you only have a few years left to have kids, I would break up with this guy immediately and look for that real love-of-your-life. You deserve it and you will find it if that is what you expect to find. I truly believe that.
All of this is said with the utmost of love and kindness to you - I hope that things work out for you in the best possible way!!
Guess I should have read the whole post!! Ha ha!! Good for you!! Be firm in your resolve - remember you are strong and fabulous!! And you deserve so much better!!
Last edited by psych_girl; 09-30-2008 at 02:55 PM.
Reason: Didn't read whole post before venting...
I think a cat's purr can soothe just about anything.
