I wish you well in chatting with your DH. Honestly, it sounds like he has some dependency issues that you're awakening with going to the gym and stuff...because by taking care of yourself, and at an hour that isn't totally convenient for him, no less! you demonstrate that you are, in this way, independent of him and his needs. For some people, that's really scary to think about, because (in those peoples' minds) it's one step down a slippery slope that ends with you going out with your friends every night and him left at home alone. For a (emotionally) healthy person, it doesn't create near that much of an issue, nor should it.

So I'm betting that the problem lies with him. As I said, good luck in talking to him. I hope you can figure out exactly what it is he's afraid of - after all, jealousy is rooted in fear 9 times out of 10.

:hug: Never let anyone make you feel bad for taking care of yourself. That's not love; that's possessiveness and other nasty stuff.

this thread made me ask my hubby if he minds that i'm in the gym after work.. he laughed and said no... and i told him well there's no hot guys there (at least not to my liking) and he said 'hon I never even thought about that'... I'm truly blessed.

You need to ask hubby what it is about the gym that bothers him... maybe it's the late class.. maybe it's the frequency or maybe it really is all in his head... but ya gotta ask.

My husband has never been jealous of me for anything - especially doing something that is GOOD & HEALTHY for me.

In fact, we joined the gym TOGETHER - mostly went at different times, but still. We have since cancelled the membership in favor of a home gym. Just easier that way. :)

I work out at home and there are times hubby would like some time with me when I happen to be working out - but tough. He is soooo proud of me, beyond belief. He now KNOWS not to bother me when I am in workout mode. It doesn't mean he is thrilled about not being able to spend time with me when he wants to, but he fully understands how much I NEED to do this. He's pretty happy with the results as well.

[QUOTE=ladybugnessa;1659747]this thread made me ask my hubby if he minds that i'm in the gym after work.. he laughed and said no... and i told him well there's no hot guys there (at least not to my liking) and he said 'hon I never even thought about that'... I'm truly blessed.

QUOTE]

:) yeah you are

My ex wasn't a problem with that, on the contrary -- his father *owned* a gym, so he was rather like "hey, wanna hit the gym together today?" than the contrary.

Anyway, most people I've seen in the gyms here really are not there to seduce anyone. They're focused on their workouts, and we all get out of there the same way -- sweaty and with disheveled hair. So much for the seduction factor. :D

I hope you can talk to him and make him understand that you're not doing anything wrong. Because you're indeed not! Being a good wife doesn't mean catering to every whim of the other half while never taking any time for oneself. Nobody can live this way forever, lest they want to end up sad, frustrated, bitter and whatnot. (At least, I doubt the majority of us can always give, give, give and consent to sacrifices all the time.) And I'm sure he can agree that having a happy wife who feels well in her body and mind is better for him as well, rather than leaving you at home miserable and unsatisfied because you can't do that one thing for yourself...

I talked to my dh a couple of minutes ago on the phone and basically I stated that :
1. I am going to keep going
2. I am not doing anything wrong.
My DH has like an alter ego, it sounds weird but he does. HE acts somedays like he is a baby and I am the mom, and he claims I am abandoning him, oh well... He is not a baby....

Originally Posted by carolva77:
I talked to my dh a couple of minutes ago on the phone and basically I stated that :
1. I am going to keep going
2. I am not doing anything wrong.
My DH has like an alter ego, it sounds weird but he does. HE acts somedays like he is a baby and I am the mom, and he claims I am abandoning him, oh well... He is not a baby....

ok did you hear his reasoning why he didn't want you to go?

i don't know how old you are or how much you've lost, but i know that right now i'm 47 and still well over 200 pounds and i bet that DH would be a lot more insecure if i was 27 and well under 200 pounds....

as for abandoning him... I do think he's being irrational and childish.

to a man who said "i won't tolerate it" I personally at my old age would say
"ok don't, you know where the door is" but then I'm at a very different place in my life now than i was 20 years ago.

I am 29 around 121# but you are right it is irrational. He just is jealous I guess. But no one has ever even talked to me at the gym. They are mostly middle age ladies that go to the classes

but didn't' he say he's not even sure you are going to the gym?

I don't know how much you want to feed into this irrational behavior and soothe his frazzled insecure male ego but you could have him drive you to the gym...

IF that's the issue... If he thinks he's being abandoned does he mean temporarily like for the evening or permanently as in you're leaving him for BIFF... the BUFF guy...

the problem with this is that he's creating a self fulfilling prophecy... where he pushes you away and then can say "see the gym is why we split up" totally irrational... and yet very possible.

I am going to ask him to come to the gym with me...

Originally Posted by carolva77:
I am going to ask him to come to the gym with me...

awesome. I wish my husband would come to the gym with me.

I have to say, this persistent characterization of gyms as 'meat-markets' filled with beautiful, sexually aggressive people really annoys me. I've belonged to lots of different gyms over the years: Crunch in Manhattan, Bally in Boston, 4 or 5 university gyms, a high-class franchise gym in Australia, and the Y in the rural town I now live in. *None* of them has felt like a meat-market, and I have *never* been hit on in the gym. Just as a point of comparison, I am regularly hit by men in other kinds of places (like in the grocery store, in bars, at work, at Starbucks, etc, etc). Most people at most gyms are minding their own business and seeing to their own fitness routines. The mischaracterization of gyms as veritable dens of sin and adultery is just silly.

Carol, your husband needs to start acting like an independent adult, and he won't do that until you refuse to stop babying him!

<steps off soapbox>

Baffled, that is very accurate in my experience also. Generally people are quite focused on their work out and in their own zone.

Over the years I've had trainers train me for free and I suspect it was to try to catch a rap, but they were nothing but friendly and helpful so I didn't mind their motive.

I also like to be friendly with the people at the gym, but none of it in a sexual way. So a guy might think I'm coming on to him if I say something friendly because they think if a girl says anything to them she's interested, but I laugh to myself because I'm not. I told one of the members I saw he had lost a lot of weight since last year and he was so shocked that I had noticed the weightloss but I think more so that I had noticed him since last year. So funny that he probably thought I was trying to come on to him (I could tell he was kind of thinking this) but I'm just friendly and like to give a compliment if I can. So its not always what people think either.

With regard to the resentment someone expressed it goes to show those "self-centered good looking people with nice bodies" actually have to work hard for those bodies and their health. We cant resent someone for having something we're too lazy or unmotivated to achieve ourselves when there's nothing standing in our way from doing it.

Originally Posted by Mami:
With regard to the resentment someone expressed it goes to show those "self-centered good looking people with nice bodies" actually have to work hard for those bodies and their health. We cant resent someone for having something we're too lazy or unmotivated to achieve ourselves when there's nothing standing in our way from doing it.

This is a good point.

It's funny, I was just thinking about attitudes towards gyms the other day. For example, I've been self-conscious in the past because I thought I was too "fat" to go to the gym, and that everyone would be judging me. ...well, guess what? Anyone who does notice that I'm "fat" can't really see me as lazy or anything, because obviously I'm working hard to do something about it. :P A fat person working out in the gym is more likely to get silent kudos for taking that step to become healthy. Besides, it's true that everyone is in their own little bubble. I only ever talk to people as I'm leaving the gym or in the change room, even though my gym is at work and I know a lot of people, because we're all in our little zones. :)



Now, to get back on track: I think your (the OP's) husband's jealousy has a lot in common with my bf's resistance when I said I wanted to lose weight. He has a very low self-esteem (I don't see why), and I think he secretly thought that I'd leave him if I got super-toned. Well, I've made an effort to show him that I'm doing this in a healthy way and that it doesn't really change anything other than what I eat and how I burn it. Now I'm 16.5 lbs down and am getting compliments from a lot of people, and he sees that I love him more than ever -- AND I'm more confident, which is better for our relationship in many ways. He's very supportive now. Not only that, but he's been making healthier choices himself.

So, I think asking your husband to come to the gym with you is a good idea. From my experience, letting someone see how good something can be for you will often melt away their resistance.

Good luck!