Is you husband jealous...
 

of the time you spent at the gym?
Mine is and it makes me feel so guilty, I go like only 1 hour a day, it is not like I live there

That's really odd. My mom goes for 2 hour walks at the park and my dad doesn't care. If my mom enjoys her walks, then he's ok with it. Only 1 hour and he guilt trips you? That's not cool. I'm not married so I might be wrong, but that would just seem off to me.

Good question.

I have to say NO he isn't, he really encourages me to go for the most part. He works M-F 8a-5p and I work 3 days a week, 7p-7a, so on my days off I go to the gym in the evenings and I feel guilty it takes away from our time and "family time", but that doesn't come from him. Plus then it amounts to an hr or so at the gym PLUS shower, dress, it's about the whole evening after dinner. Kids baths, homework, etc. doesn't leave much time for us. But he does appreciate the results!

Lately he has been making some noise about losing weight himself, and once he gave me this "well at least YOU get to go the gym"...but I think once the weather gets nicer, he'll be okay, he loses his wt working outside.

My DH is very good, but last nite I took a late evening class (ZUMBA Aerobics) and he got really upset. He is normally a very cool guy, but he just did not like me going that late to the gym

If I wanted to go to the gym, DH would be all for it. For me though, DH works long hours and sometimes we can only spend an hour or so together at night so I don't go by myself. We used to go together but then since he works long hours, he felt like he had no downtime. Anyway, our solution was to work out at home.

Overall, I'd say DH wouldn't care if I went to the gym by myself and took classes but I like working out at home better.

I feel sad that he made such a big deal about it. I am not a bad wf :( I just want to take care of me... :(

this is an interesting question since i was going at lunchtime and it was just NOT working for me.

I sat hubby down expecting him to be upset and asked him if he would mind if i did the gym on my way home from work (which for some reason works well for me).... he said NO.... and so far it's not been too much of a problem. of course there are two days a week I don't get home till nearly 8 pm and we wait to eat as a family...

he's had to take on more making dinner responsibilities but he's sucked it up... i think the fact that I feel better and i'm more "frisky" helps him accept that a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do...

he does resent the weekend morning classes....

did he say why? maybe he's concerned for your safety? I know mine is...

It is kind of sad feeling guilty for taking care of one-self :(

He said that he did not know where I was, and why did I left so late, but it was more like jealousy than concern

Hi Carol!

I think we women worry too much about what our husbands think! We really need to think more of ourselves and do what we KNOW will help us!

I met my future husband when we were just ten years old. We have already been married for 30 years and known one another for 45! I really just figured out in the last few years since I have been losing weight that I had been thinking so much about him and his needs, our sons and their needs and my jobs and my rest of my family members that I HAD LOST MYSELF!!!!! No wonder I gained over 100 pounds! I wasn't caring for myself and my needs!

I think we let our families make us feel guilty about doing even small things for ourselves. We talk ourselves into being so selfless that we lose sight of the fact that we have needs, too!

PLEASE don't feel guilty for doing things that will help you feel better about yourself! PLEASE care about yourself enough to KEEP GOING to the gym to do what you enjoy.

Is it the time of day that is the issue for your husband? Does he feel like that's HIS TIME with you? When you go to the gym at that late hour does he have more responsibilities added to HIS routine? Sometimes it's helpful to find out why the husband is raising an objection...

Oh, also...My husband actually was upset with me because I wasn't his eating buddy anymore! For years I had been eating things that he liked and been cooking foods that he wanted. I'm not a picky person at all when it comes to food. What I hadn't realized is that by being his eating buddy and eating the foods that HE liked, I was thwarting any hope for weighing a normal weight. Apparently it was more important for him to have me as his eating buddy than it was for him to have a thinner, more healthy wife!!! Several years ago I confronted him and told him that I just couldn't be his eating buddy AND also be the new person that I wanted to be. He still misses having me as his eating buddy, but I've noticed that he continues to eat what he wants whether I am there eating along with him or not!!!

Hey, carolva77

Maybe you should both sit down and talk about it. I can see why he was worried if he didn't know where you were, or didn't have a clear idea of when you would be home. Do you have a cellphone so you could call?

Sometimes with men being worried or afraid comes out sounding like irritation or jealousy. Probably he does worry about you being out late.

Also, don't be so sensitive to this. Just because he has an issue doesn't make you a "bad wife." You aren't there to please his every need! :lol:

So, have a chat with him!

Jay

did you tell him you were going to the gym? if he wasn't home can you call or leave him a note...

maybe he thinks there's a guy there you're hot for?

i know for me when i get home from the gym (and trust me there are no guys there that interest me) I'm heading right for hubby cause i'm so 'worked up' for him.... maybe that's why he lets me go... it gets me HOT... :devil:

THANKS LADIES!!!!
I will have a chat with him! But I also agree, that I cant please every single of his wishes. I am trying to be a good wife, but to be that, I need also to take care of myself.

I work at a gym, so no, my husband doesn't get upset if I go there. He knows I go a few times a week to teach, and he watches the kids while I go.

However, I do have to attend dance seminars out of town periodically, and at those times I am often gone all day, or every now and then-for an entire weekend, depending on the location. At first he was apprehensive, but it wasn't out of jealousy. It was out of missing me, and being "bored" while I was away. :lol:

But, we talked about it, and he knows that it is important to me. We have a system worked out now, though. When I return from the gym in the evenings that I go (he watches the kids), then I take over with the children-and he throws on his iPod and goes for a run, or goes out to the garage to lift weights himself. We both get our exercise time to ourselves then. :)

Hey carolva! It definitely sounds like he was jealous, that he thinks your going elsewhere than the gym. So it doesnt sound like an issue of working out or even being away from home, but more an issue that he doesn't fully believe that you went to the gym.

Does he work out? Do y'all have kids? If no, I'd personally tell him he's welcome to go the gym with me but I do need to go and I AM going. If he doesn't believe that I'm going, he can drop me off there and pick me up. LOL.

I have similar problems with DH, but with us its more about me being away from home and the baby, i.e. leaving him on his own to watch the baby LOL all those diapers by himself and no time to even take a cigarette break in the office because I'm not there to help out with the baby.

My solution was to get a gym quality elliptical machine so I really enjoy working out from home. Last night I was going to forgo my plan of working out because things got busy when I got home. But at 9pm I told DH I need some downtime, and I found myself sitting alone in my room relaxing when I thought "why not, lemme hop on that thing and burn a few hundred calories while I have the chance!" and I hopped on there for 25 minutes..burnt 200 calories more that I was able to add to my meager 200 calorie deficit, for a better total calorie deficit of 400!

Thanks everyone!
I dont think he believed me. He said something to the extent "I will leave at 8 pm some nights to see how you like it!" I was like, do whatever you want, I am not your mother you are not a child. You are free to go wherever.
I always believe my DH is way too dependent on me. It was not like that before. It makes me feel really guilty. But I am not going to stop because of him, I am not doing anything wrong.

Although I he has never said it, I get the impression sometimes from my husband that once I get to my goal weight I will just be too fabulous for him and I will leave and run off with some Italian male supermodel who owns homes on both coasts. It is so ridiculous. When I talk to him about it I try to make it all about him, I want to be more attractive for you, I want to be healthy and live a long life with you, etc, etc.

I know.... I believe he thinks I see people at the gym. But I barely have friends, I am always home, the only thing that I do without him is the gym :(
Men can be like kids sometimes :(

WOW! Sounds like we're married to the same guy!!! DH thinks I'm going to get a new man once I've hit my goal. Yah right, one's enough! Forget about the gym! Won't even bring it up! Thank God we have a pool. Sheesh.

Does he not realize that if you eat right and exercise now, you'll be around for a LOT longer? Why would he not be happy to give up an hour here and an hour there of your time in exchange for many, many years later on? He'd rather have you overweight, miserable and unhealthy so long as you're there to make his dinner?

Just a few things to think about. ;)

at least your home before the gym

i go to the gym every night directly from work and most weekend mornings. I just started this so i'm sure hubby will be cranky now and then.

some days i kiss hubby goodbye at 6 am and don't see him till 8 pm or later... oh well...

don't allow him to make you feel guilty for taking care of yourself. If he's that childish and insecure he has to deal with it.

Do you guys have seperate interests at all. My DH and I have totally seperate lives. he's in to racing and is gone most weekends... I have to trust that he's racing and not just telling me he is... I have no proof...

sad that your hubby is so insecure that he doesn't trust you.

And honestly I dont give him any reason to be.

of course you don't. Jealousy is an emotion rooted totally in lack of self-esteem and insecurity. It basically says he thinks you are awesome. Esp. if this is new behavior. I'm very afraid as I get more and more mainstream in size my hubby is going to have issues with my going to the gym and eating right... he likes big women.

for you, maybe you can ask him why he's so bothered by it...? I feel bad that your stressed over something like this.

I do feel for you.. I couldnt imagine someone getting so distraught over going to the gym. You shouldnt *have* to make him feel better about the situation or *prove* to him that you are going where you are going. I know personally if my "almost DH" ever said anything, I would look at him like he were insane.. he knows better though. I guess the difference is its something that I have done long before I met him. He works out too though.. so to *us* its normal to go to the gym for an hour or two. Im about to move back into his house here in a couple weeks and I have to give up my gym membership here because there isnt one down in Savannah, and he was like.. "I will help you look for a gym around here ( his gym is on a military base so I cant go) dont worry we will get you one" Jealousy in relationships is not something I have ever tolerated well. I always feel like those who dont trust, cannot be trusted. So you just need to take him with a grain of salt, and say hey.. this is what I am doing.. if you dont believe me.. Im sorry.. and why wouldnt you believe me? Does he have control issues?

I wouldnt be sad...I would be MAD

Make sure he knows where you are going ahead of time next time and if he gives you grief, then it is time for a serious talk.

My ex husband was like that. He wanted me to lose weight because he didn't like fat women. But when i joined the gym, he didn't like that i wasn't home to cook dinner 3 nights a week and he had to watch the baby. But he wanted me to lose weight. talk about double standards.

my boyfriend loves for me to go to the gym. he likes the fact that i want to lose weight and supports me. when i complain about wanting to see him, he tells me i can see him after the gym...it's only an hour. and i go to a co-op gym, so it's good to know that he's not afraid i'll pick up some other guy. I go to the gym, get a good workout and tell him how great i feel. I love it!!!

I'm going to jump into this thread... I am sorry you are having a difficult time, but I'm going to comment on the other side of this issue.

Ladybugnessa is absolutely right. When my husband was going to the gym (and I was not - and still do not) it represented for me a rejection of everything about me. My insecurity and total lack of self-esteem made my brain work something like this: "If that's what he likes, and what he wants, then he does not like or want me." and "All women who go to gyms must be self-absorbed in their looks, and thus attractive; I am NOT attractive, so he must go there to look at attractive women."

It is not easy for me to type these things. I cried every single time he left the house for the gym. I hated him going. I hated myself.

My husband eventually stopped going to the gym, and (rightly) blamed me. [I should add here that for a while, we went to the gym together, but at a time that suited him, and not me... as a result, we wouldn't get home until 10pm, and then head for bed. I hated it that he considered our time at the gym 'time together' - it wasn't what *I* wanted.]

I have to say - if he went to the gym now, I honestly wouldn't care. I was so dependent on him (read: clingy, desperate and emotional) that I couldn't bear for him to be away from me, doing something for himself. I hope I haven't put him off gyms completely - I don't think so, as he has started talking about joining again. I hope he does.

I just wanted to tell the other side. I hope your husband loves HIMSELF enough to let you go to the gym - or anywhere else you reasonably want to go :) Thanks for the thread - this has been like therapy. How much do I owe you? ;)

Heather :)

Mine isn't.. but he goes to gym five days a week before work. I think that I'm the jealous one, that he GETS to go. Unfortunately, I really can't go too often because of his schedule (he isn't home until 8 or 9 pm).. and I work from home, and balance that with our 2 1/2 year old daughter. By the time I finish my work, do the dinner/bath/bed thing.. clean, get ready for the next day, etc... I want to go to bed! That is why I am trying to incorporate walking into my daily schedule.. and I am really trying hard to go to the gym when I CAN go (Sun, Tues, Wed).

Thanks everyone... I will let you know how the chat went

I wish you well in chatting with your DH. Honestly, it sounds like he has some dependency issues that you're awakening with going to the gym and stuff...because by taking care of yourself, and at an hour that isn't totally convenient for him, no less! you demonstrate that you are, in this way, independent of him and his needs. For some people, that's really scary to think about, because (in those peoples' minds) it's one step down a slippery slope that ends with you going out with your friends every night and him left at home alone. For a (emotionally) healthy person, it doesn't create near that much of an issue, nor should it.

So I'm betting that the problem lies with him. As I said, good luck in talking to him. I hope you can figure out exactly what it is he's afraid of - after all, jealousy is rooted in fear 9 times out of 10.

:hug: Never let anyone make you feel bad for taking care of yourself. That's not love; that's possessiveness and other nasty stuff.

this thread made me ask my hubby if he minds that i'm in the gym after work.. he laughed and said no... and i told him well there's no hot guys there (at least not to my liking) and he said 'hon I never even thought about that'... I'm truly blessed.

You need to ask hubby what it is about the gym that bothers him... maybe it's the late class.. maybe it's the frequency or maybe it really is all in his head... but ya gotta ask.

My husband has never been jealous of me for anything - especially doing something that is GOOD & HEALTHY for me.

In fact, we joined the gym TOGETHER - mostly went at different times, but still. We have since cancelled the membership in favor of a home gym. Just easier that way. :)

I work out at home and there are times hubby would like some time with me when I happen to be working out - but tough. He is soooo proud of me, beyond belief. He now KNOWS not to bother me when I am in workout mode. It doesn't mean he is thrilled about not being able to spend time with me when he wants to, but he fully understands how much I NEED to do this. He's pretty happy with the results as well.

[QUOTE=ladybugnessa;1659747]this thread made me ask my hubby if he minds that i'm in the gym after work.. he laughed and said no... and i told him well there's no hot guys there (at least not to my liking) and he said 'hon I never even thought about that'... I'm truly blessed.

QUOTE]

:) yeah you are

My ex wasn't a problem with that, on the contrary -- his father *owned* a gym, so he was rather like "hey, wanna hit the gym together today?" than the contrary.

Anyway, most people I've seen in the gyms here really are not there to seduce anyone. They're focused on their workouts, and we all get out of there the same way -- sweaty and with disheveled hair. So much for the seduction factor. :D

I hope you can talk to him and make him understand that you're not doing anything wrong. Because you're indeed not! Being a good wife doesn't mean catering to every whim of the other half while never taking any time for oneself. Nobody can live this way forever, lest they want to end up sad, frustrated, bitter and whatnot. (At least, I doubt the majority of us can always give, give, give and consent to sacrifices all the time.) And I'm sure he can agree that having a happy wife who feels well in her body and mind is better for him as well, rather than leaving you at home miserable and unsatisfied because you can't do that one thing for yourself...

I talked to my dh a couple of minutes ago on the phone and basically I stated that :
1. I am going to keep going
2. I am not doing anything wrong.
My DH has like an alter ego, it sounds weird but he does. HE acts somedays like he is a baby and I am the mom, and he claims I am abandoning him, oh well... He is not a baby....

ok did you hear his reasoning why he didn't want you to go?

i don't know how old you are or how much you've lost, but i know that right now i'm 47 and still well over 200 pounds and i bet that DH would be a lot more insecure if i was 27 and well under 200 pounds....

as for abandoning him... I do think he's being irrational and childish.

to a man who said "i won't tolerate it" I personally at my old age would say
"ok don't, you know where the door is" but then I'm at a very different place in my life now than i was 20 years ago.

I am 29 around 121# but you are right it is irrational. He just is jealous I guess. But no one has ever even talked to me at the gym. They are mostly middle age ladies that go to the classes

but didn't' he say he's not even sure you are going to the gym?

I don't know how much you want to feed into this irrational behavior and soothe his frazzled insecure male ego but you could have him drive you to the gym...

IF that's the issue... If he thinks he's being abandoned does he mean temporarily like for the evening or permanently as in you're leaving him for BIFF... the BUFF guy...

the problem with this is that he's creating a self fulfilling prophecy... where he pushes you away and then can say "see the gym is why we split up" totally irrational... and yet very possible.