Okay, I'm getting to the giving up point. I guess I really didn't realize it until lately when the thought crossed my mind, "Well, there's always NEXT year..." WTF? (Excuse my acronym). Next year? How can I be giving up already? It's only February!
I wish I could say, "I really want this..." But really I feel like, "I really NEED this but I'm tired of wanting it." I recently found a 2004 calendar where I had scratched my weight in over the course of a year and I lost and gained 20 pounds. It really hurt to see that. I'm nearing my highest weight at an alarming speed.
I don't know what to do. It's not like I don't feel terrible, I do! It's not like I'm not uncomfortable, I am! But I really am LOST in the motivation area and each day, I feel worse and worse. I can see the Cute Boyfriend getting worse and worse too - he's gained so much weight.
Part of me thinks, "You need to see a behavior psychologist." Part of me thinks, "Spending money hasn't solved your problems so far."
I don't mean to whine but holy crap, I'm started to feel like I'm in a dark place. Any advice?
I have motivation for you. I'm just down a teeny bit past your present weight. Let me tell you about being 302 pounds because that's where I've just been...
Sooooooo hard to move about. I'd have awful backache just walking around the supermarket. I'd find that things I thought I could do (like having a short walk) would become really difficult. My asthma got much much worse. I'd look in the mirror and think 'Where'd my face go?'
My point being that the opposite of dieting is going up. Unless we commit to doing something about it we will go up and up and up. In the end we'll get some sort of illness which means we wont be able to exercise at all then we'll really ramp it up.
So really dieting is the only choice. That's the way I see it. I dont want to be so big it affects my ability to move around and I was starting to see that happening at my highest. It is much MUCH better being in the 270's and I bet its brilliant in the 220's. I want to try that! I like being able to walk around.
Hope my explaining my motivation helps. If you ever want a chat with a tarot reading hippy from the UK who isn't into self hatred at all give me a PM. Hey I'll even do you a tarot if you like? Gotta help the goddesses in the world!
I have been that way for the past two years.. weight up down, up down! Just shocking. I have come to realise that it is a mental game rather then a physical one.. You know what you need to do to lose weight - exercise moderately and eat a decent diet the majority of the time - sounds so simple hey?
But it is the head stuff that is hard to conquer. I started seeing a psychologist and also started some zen and the road seems a bit easier. Making sure that we "fix" the reason behind why we think we deserve to be overweight and to feel lousy is really important. Why we pacify ourselves with food and hide our emotions.
A good book to read if you are so inclined is Everday Zen by Charlotte Joko Beck.. pretty good on helping you get a handle on those negative thought patterns.
I understand exactly where you are at because I am feeling the same way. I am so glad you posted because it is good to know there are other with the same suffering. I have been hovering around the same weight for at least a year. I gain and lose the same 20 lbs over and over. About a month ago there was patient who came into our clinic who I see maybe once a year. The person is very chatty and we were catching up on things. She said "It's so great to see you. I see everything is about the same. You look the same. How is your life going?" That statement just got me because I had worked my *** off to lose 20 lbs and it felt so discouraging to have someone say I looked the same. Of course at my weight 20 doesn't show much so I am sure her observation was true. It just made the weight loss journey to be impossibly long and unrewarding.
I know for me the main issue is emotional eating. I have a lot of stress in my life and this is the method I use to deal with it. I have been trying to get an better handle on it. I was recalling my Anatomy class and when we studied the digestive system. It was said that each bite we eat needs to be chewed at least 32 times unless it is something like jello or a texture like that. I have been trying to get into that habit and it is interesting to watch. I find I want to eat fast and that the attempt to slow down tends to make me anxious. It lead me to thinking about the rest of my life. It too is at full tilt and I feel I must do everything fast or I'll fall behind. I've been focusing on just slowing down. I want to eat slower so that I can feel when and I am full and not eat past that point. It seems like a small thing but it is really a challenge.
I can say that I have gotten some good habits in place that I did not have a couple years ago. I eat lots of veg and have gotten rid of a lot the sugar I used to eat. My sugar stuff tend to focus around binging but at least I've gotten a lot of it out of my everyday life. I am also a lot better with exercise and have a pretty consistent program. It feels like steps in the right direction but getting to the bottom of the anxiety is what I really need.
The passion is in you sweetie, you just have to be willing to embrace it. Seriously Jessica, what will giving up get you? More of the same, unmotivated, uninspired, nothing to work towards, blek! Why would that be an acceptable alternative? You can't look at your health as "optional", it just doesn't work that way. Being healthy is something you have to work at, day in and day out, for the rest of your life, whether you really feel like it or not. I know it sounds daunting, but it doesn't have to be. Just look at it as a job, as your responsibility. You wouldn't half-a$$ your real job and risk letting everyone down, so why would you half-a$$ this job, and ultimately let yourself down? You can do this Jessica, we all can. Sometimes you just have to quit waiting to "feel it", and go out there and gitter done, y'know?
Well said Beverly. Jessica, we are all here for you, and I know I get really discouraged from time to time. In my mind, when I started last year, I was going to be at goal by this time this year. So much for that. No matter how tempted I am to say the h*ll with it, I am still trying. Why, because I need to do this for me. Jessica, it is tough, and believe me, I can not tell you how many times I keep getting de-motivated so to speak. Your health is worth it. Hang in there, we are all in this together.
Can I echo the sorting the head out advice? I've done a lot of work on that which has got me to this point. I think there were three main questions I had to answer
- How did you learn to deal with emotions in this way?
- What made you feel overwhelmed with emotions?
- What are the benefits to you of staying fat?
As an example my very shortened answers were ...
- My mum taught me to eat when I was unhappy rather than express it. Her mum taught her and so on. Its a family disfunction but it is learned behaviour. It isn't innate.
- I was abused at age six. Various bad relationships in adult life. Feeling that I wasn't listened to.
- Feeling safe from unwanted male attention. Eating as a way to express emotions i.e. if I am fat I am demonstrating my unhappiness.
After doing lots of thinking and working through I got to the point where I realised that being fat didn't really make me safe or make my emotions go away. As a coping mechanism it worked to a certain extent but not in a healthy way. Its like heroin - it might make you feel better in the short term but sure doesn't in the long term! As a communication tool its really rubbish!
You are not alone in your feelings, in fact you are in very good company. Hugs to you. I just posted yesterday something very similar to you. I have been feeling quite out of control and struggling with my weight and yet feeling helpless to do anything about it. Helpless until I posted here and received some very good feedback from the 3FC friends. One posting on goals was particularly helpful to me. Charles posted it and I have taken time to go through it and it really has put me back on the track again. I recommend it, if you are in the headspace to do some work on it (it is in the Struggling post from yesterday). I also pulled out my book by Prochaska and DiClemente called "Changing for Good" and it is also helpful at helping you take a look at your behaviors, finding out where you are at in the process of change and offering suggestions on how to help yourself. The first few Chapters are a little hard to get through (boring) but after that it is helpful. Just a thought.
I am sorry that you are feeling so low but I do understand where you are at. The point is that we can do this Jessica. You are a beautiful person deserving of good things and that includes being as kind to yourself as you are to others. Boibaby has stated that very nicely - we wouldn't do half- arsed jobs for others and we are deserving of doing good things for ourselves.
So, take yourself off for a nice walk, buy yourself a "pamper me kit" (including nice bath products, lotion, book or whatever makes you feel pampered) and think about the good reasons to take care of yourself. If cute boyfriend is open to joining you in the struggle bring him on board, prepare a lovely healthful meal and maybe you will find the passion ; ). Be good to yourself, you are worth it. We are here for you...
I'm in the same boat in terms of attitude. I have been working like crazy trying to find that gusto I had this time last year. I can lose weight without it. But it sure is a lot easier when I do have it. I know what I have to do to reach my goal weight and I know I can't wait until I'm motivated again to get moving.
Where we are different is that I've reached a weight at which I am content. No, I'm not happy with my body. I have plenty of room for improvement and I know I want more for myself. But, I'm not unhappy or uncomfortable either. I've certainly gotten much further than I ever expected to. At this point it really is easy to justify putting these last 20 pounds on hold for a while. Which, by the way, I have been doing. It hasn't been intentional though. I took a much needed maintainence break. I buckled down after a couple of months and lost several more pounds. Then gained two, freaked out and lost 3, then realized 2 pounds wasn't so bad and gained 4, then lost 2and so on. At this point my attitude changes hour by hour and it really is frustrating that I haven't been pushing myself as hard as I know I need to.
I honestly believe I'm on the right track now. I finally updated my ticker to reflect the gain, which had a huge impact on my outlook. It made me accountable again and I feel determination starting to bubble inside of me once again. Perhaps your post will help you in the same way. Sometimes it is being honest about where we are that forces us to make the right choices. And confessing your situation to the rest of us means you now have us all looking over your shoulder - not in a judgemental way but in a supportive, "you can do it" way. And you CAN do it!
I know what you mean. Totally. I keep thinking, "I've been depriving myself of all this great stuff and have only gotten this far?!"
But then I think, "well I could be where I was, and when I was there, I would have given anything to be where I am now." kwim?
This is the time of year most people give up. That alone (because I'm such a rebel) helps me keep it in gear. That and I'm entering a marathon in May and a high school reunion is coming up. Two tangible goals.
It would help us if we knew what part you struggle with the most.
I'm learning to aim for improvement rather than perfection. If I learn to just live and consider make better choices each day, then it's okay when things aren't so perfect. I also realize that when I have something that isn't a healthy choice, to take it in moderation and enjoy it instead of binging on it. I eat all day long so I don't feel deprived anyway. I'm not a fitness guru, I just aim for improvement. Sometimes I don't even get there..lol. Relax and enjoy the process instead of feeling like there is a deprivation situation going on. It's about being more mindful.
Now on to the motivation part:
Go through and make a master list of all the foods you enjoy including snacks and convient foods. Pour over cookbook websites and find some new stuff. Make a improved game plan. To me, when I start researching (even when I start out not wanting to), I become enthused. It's also nice to have a master plan to fall back on when you don't feel like making decisions.
I can relate to your post a lot Jessica and appreciate what people have said. I get into the everybody is doing so well except for me...poor me thing. Comparing my insides to other peoples outsides.
The thing that helps me is to have perspective. Until 1998 I had gained 10-12 pounds a year for twenty years. Doing the math, if I had continued to gain at the rate I had been since my twenties (instead of losing or maintaining) I would now weigh 540 lbs.!!! My current weight of 404 seems daunting but 540 sounds a lot worse!!!
I really like what people had to say about their emotions. I have struggled this last week and can pretty much tie it to the vulnerability I am feeling since last weekend and the risks I am taking in the rest of my life. My own experience with health and weight loss is that it really is a body/mind/spirit process that can not be measured solely on a physical/pounds level. I would encourage you to look at your whole life Jessica, weight is just one little piece of it. It is not who you are.
Well Jessica, it seems as if everyone has some great advice. As I am reading the replies, I feel like they are talking to me too. I had a really bad week and just want to stop doing everything. Giving up...but, the alternative has not worked for me either. I don't know what I am waiting for. Maybe it is a spark or an epiphany to get me moving...I just don't know. We can do this! Let's not both give up!
Jessica, if I can get back on that wagon so can you. I am 4'11 and weigh 228 pounds. My heighest weight was 278. I was horrified to find out I was 3 pounds heavier than a defensive lineman for the Washington Redskins. Anyways...I lost 129 pounds and got myself to 149. Which for my height is still not considered a healthy BMI, but I was on my way. My life proceeded to become a mess and I proceeded to gain back 93.5 of the 129 I had lost. I started over again on January 1st. On January first I was 242.50 and now I am 228. I am doing it girl and so can you. I love me and I deserve to be healthy. Jessica, you are a goddess. Please treat yourself accordingly.
I can relate because I, too, have been feeling that way. I've been thinking that there's no point in all this. I haven't been tracking my calories and I've recently skipped 3 days of exercise!
It's ridiculous! I didn't lose this amount of weight to give up!! So, I gave myself a treat and am getting back on the horse!! I didn't start this journey for nothing I think a lot of my thinking is coming from TOM (it's almost here) and that I've been getting let down with my tax return.. I'm buying a treadmill with some of it and want it badly!!!!
So, we're all worth it to keep going! There is next year.. that's right. But why not now?
In need of passion...
Hang in there, we are all in this together.
That and I'm entering a marathon in May and a high school reunion is coming up. Two tangible goals. 
I think a lot of my thinking is coming from TOM (it's almost here) and that I've been getting let down with my tax return.. I'm buying a treadmill with some of it and want it badly!!!!
