Jessica,
You are SO not alone. I struggle with this too, pretty much every day.
This I think is the best thread I have read here in my years on here... thank you for having the honesty to post!
I have bounced around on the scale for several years:
2001: 156 to 170
2002: 185
2003: 201
2004: 216
2005: 220
2006: 228
My low in 2001 was a fleeting wonderful thing that I didn't hold onto.
But I am still busting my (large) butt to get the extra weight off.
Don't get me wrong, I definitely have my days where I'm thinking of giving up too. I've read that 'dieting' just makes people fatter. This a very hard to resist suggestion, as I can use it to justify all my bingeing and drinking. In my heart, I know that NOT DIETING makes me fatter. When I diet, I lose weight. When I do not, I gain. Very simple.
Edited to add: But I am intrigued by the idea of Intuitive Eating. This makes sense to me on a very deep level. I am learning more about it... and I have to say, I wonder about my cyclical dieting over the years on various programs, from Weight Watchers to Atkins, and how I regained plus some EVERY SINGLE TIME. Very interesting stuff.
I am not like the typical, say, French woman who can delicately eat her croissant and morning espresso, and later have red wine with her tasty full-fat dinner... and control my portions of that stuff. (Maybe I have not yet learned to do so?)
I've found there is so much junk in my head that it's a wonder I got down to 156 in 2001!
I'm seeing a licensed social worker these days who specializes in eating disorders and addictions. It is not easy work but I am learning and discovering some good stuff.
This is covering not only why I binge and drink, but what else to do instead
The why's can only get you so far, IMHO. A plan is necessary to provide healthy outlets when the old urges strike, which they will... and have for me!
Some of the instead's I have gotten are: listen to music to and from work, and at home; take a hot bath or a shower; exercise, even a brief walk outdoors; read; draw or paint; write out free-form what's in your head, no editing, just get it out on paper as a form of release; call friends or family and kvetch as needed; take a nap....
I know binge triggers for me are: being cold, being tired, being overhungry, being bored or stressed or sad. I'm not saying you necessarily binge but I know for me, there are simple situations that make me toss diets right out the window
Being on top of that can at least lessen the damage done
When I first sought therapy in Oct. 2005, man, was I a wreck! I was terrified, sweating, blood pressure through the roof in that appointment with my doctor! To have to admit I had some serious problems, including mental struggles, was the hardest thing I have ever done... seriously. And I've had some scary moments in my life that included a false positive for AIDS.
So... I recommend seeing that therapist. If you don't click with her or him, try another
I think for most of us, we don't get to be very heavy by just overeating good tasting meals. There is some mental wackiness at work. It has to be worked on too, just like adding in the typical cardio and switching to healthier foods and less of them.
The focus on our weights can be tiring, I know! It would be so easy to say "screw it" and eat whatever!
I've had those moments too where I looked through old records, and saw that I lost and regained the same chunk of weight over and over. I finally threw out my old WW books because it was too frigging sad to look at the money I spent and the pounds I lost overall being regained.
I just hit my highest weight in January, at 228. It was AWFUL. I've said before "I'll never go over 165 again." Or then 180. Then 200. Then 210.
What I need to focus on is:
-How do I feel being fat?
-How is my health?
-How is my self-esteem?
-What is my everyday life like?
Comparing all these things to how I felt in the 150s... well, it was 5 years ago, but heck yeah, that was a GREAT time! I was wearing a 8/10, I was free to sprint up stairs, I could see my feet and I even got pedicures to encourage myself to appreciate that sight!
My thighs did not rub together when I walked! (Hosannas are sung!) I was not horrified by the sight of my arms in a sleeveless top, and my arms actually got tanned for the first time in many years
Life was good.
Life is not good at 228 pounds.
I huff and puff going up stairs. Bending down to get something off the floor, or getting myself off the floor, is like an Olympic event. I have to pull on my jeans leg to get my foot where I need it to put on a sock. I'm developing a sick fondness for velvet stretch pants and wearing them to work on my "fat days" when my jeans are too tight. Which is, um, often. I can feel the fat under my jaw when I look down.
Thinking about going to a friend's May wedding in a size 20 dress makes me very anxious
NO WAY!
We have to keep trying. Life is short. We can either spend it fat and hitting the high points of our day by eating fatty foods... or we can spend it in soul-enriching fun things with a body that can obey our whims.
We don't need to like dieting. We might
hate it some days.
But we need to get it done for our health.
Sometimes getting that ball rolling STINKS. It goes against our pleasure-loving selves to deprive ourselves of our favorite foods and drinks - at least in huge amounts
But the payoff is so worth it. There may be many ways to go about this: simple calorie restriction; switching to lower fat foods and bulking up on healthier foods like fruits, vegs, multigrains; food logs; low-carb; low-sugar; Intuitive Eating; gradual pushing into exercise, cardio, strength and flexibility work.
Losing weight, or better, Gaining Health, is very individual I think. What works for me may not work for another... but I think it's important to keep trying. Be patient. Be compassionate with yourself. It should not feel like a punishment but instead self-care.
Like the saying goes, a long journey begins with a single step.
Just keep on making that single step... and you will get there.
