So, after months of my emotionally/verbally abusive boyfriend's behavior escilating to physical violence I finally had enough and went to file a protective order. I went through everything, only to be denied the order because I didn't file soon enough. He basically said that if it's been going on since December and I am just filing now he has no reason to evict him. I told him I had no where to go without my animals (who my ex threatened to kill) and the judge told me if I really felt that scared for my life I needed to choose between leaving alone or living with my animals and him.
Thankfully after telling his mom I was going to file a restraining order she convinced him to leave. She's also a controlling woman and has always hated me. So he moved out tonight and the police convinced him to give me the keys. Not 1 hour later after my mom had left, there's a knock on the door and it's the police with him. He says I took his stuff. I said I don't want him in the apartment. They make him wait outside, I let them search the apartment and nothing of his is still there. He is obviously trying to find ways to see me. I'm just sort of lost right now. After so long going back to abuse I'm scared I'm going to go back again. I also don't know what to do when this judge won't grant me the protective order.
He's cut me off from most of my friends.. and now I don't know where to turn. I just need to figure out how to live as a single woman and not worry that he's going to be stalking me around every corner.
but yes, this is indeed a step in the right direction. you will need time to heal, and don't stress it too much, these things take time and the emotions you are feeling are normal. just surround yourself with family and people who love you and you will get through it!
Find a lawyer and appeal the restraining order. If you don't have money call legal aid or a women's shelter. They are familiar with these situations and can point you in the right direction.
You may also consider seeing a therapist. Therapy will help you to stay out of the relationship. There are low cost/ sliding scale therapy services available too. You might even find a free support group.
Don't be embarrased. Friends are friends. While some may avoid the drama, some may be open to your return now and others will welcome you back over time. Reach out to them. Don't stay isolated.
Last edited by ImImportant; 02-22-2013 at 06:38 AM.
Reason: Because I hate shoulds
Find a lawyer and appeal the restraining order. If you don't have money call legal aid or a women's shelter. They are familiar with these situations and can point you in the right direction.
You may also consider seeing a therapist. Therapy will help you to stay out of the relationship. There are low cost/ sliding scale therapy services available too. You might even find a free support group.
Don't be embarrased. Friends are friends. While some may avoid the drama, some may be open to your return now and others will welcome you back over time. Reach out to them. Don't stay isolated.
Continue to document everything as well. Write down everything you can remember in the past plus everything in the future he does. If he sends you an email, I would first inform him simply that he should cease contacting you. If you have a lawyer that could send out a cease and desist letter, all the better as it's not coming from you. Save it. If he emails again, save, save, save.
Write down times and dates of phone numbers and if possible, find these calls on phone records. If he comes by your house or place of work, write it down. It is important to have all of this information so you can get a protective order in place since the first one was denied. I do agree about appealing though.
Leaving is hard, it took my mom 19 years of leaving and going back but eventually kicked my father out for good. It was the best thing she ever did for herself and for my sister and I. Be glad you're ending this before marriage and kids.
You definitely need a therapist and time alone to figure out why you kept going back to this type of relationship. You shouldn't feel guilty or embarassed, what he did was wrong and unforgivable. Abusers are master manipulators but you need to work through your issues to help you avoid these people in the future. Abusers don't often like strong people because they're harder to break and bend to their will.
Abusers and manipulators have this 6th sense where they can spot and find weak points and insecurities in people. Even for a strong person it's very hard to deal with and to recognize. For someone maybe not as strong or self assured... well, it's a recipe for disaster.
Hang on and keep going. It DOES get better.
ETA: Even though he gave keys back, change the locks. Today. Tell management you'll be happy to cover the cost.
Last edited by XLMuffnTop; 02-22-2013 at 09:36 AM.
I agree with alot of the ladies who responded. DEFINITELY get a lawyer or call a legal services in your area (if you don't know of one locally, just find one for your state and ask them to refer you). Seek out support from a women's group, see a therapist, do what you need to do. Even if you feel cut off from the friends you did have, it's never too late to reach out to them or to start over and develop new friendships. You can make it through this-so happy for you that you took the first step!!
Yay! what a fantastic step towards a better life. I'm proud of you, but more importantly you should be proud of yourself. I hope this has taught you that you deserve to be taken care of and the only one who can really do that is you. ((cyberhugs))
Find a lawyer and appeal the restraining order. If you don't have money call legal aid or a women's shelter. They are familiar with these situations and can point you in the right direction.
You may also consider seeing a therapist. Therapy will help you to stay out of the relationship. There are low cost/ sliding scale therapy services available too. You might even find a free support group.
Don't be embarrased. Friends are friends. While some may avoid the drama, some may be open to your return now and others will welcome you back over time. Reach out to them. Don't stay isolated.
Completely and whole heartedly agree with the above. I want to congratulate you for being strong enough to get away from him while you still could and before y'all got married or had any children. Being in that type of relationship is soooooo hard and demeaning, I was with an abusive man for too long. He will keep trying to contact you and swear he will make a change but don't fall for it. He knows what he lost, and you deserve a real man who will never hurt you or threaten to hurt you or your animals. There are great men out there who would never do that to you and will only lift you up! I did not trust anyone for a long time after I left an abusive relationship, but I gave myself time to heal and it took a lot of courage and help. When I met my husband I was ready to trust again, and he is a great man who I know would never come close to treating me the way I was treated before! It's going to take a long time to heal, especially from the mental and emotional damage he has done. Family, friends, and counseling will help with that. You have us here too. If you need anything at all let me know, I've been through this and I will help in any way I can. Just keep your head up because you have much MUCH better things coming your way in your life to experience and be a part of, now that this dark cloud is gone!!
Last edited by Pink Hurricane; 02-22-2013 at 02:44 PM.
He will keep trying to contact you and swear he will make a change but don't fall for it.
I wanted to emphasis this because I heard it A LOT growing up. It seems so sincere and really seems like they changed... for a few days or weeks then it's all downhill again. Be strong and stay the course!
Continue to document everything as well. Write down everything you can remember in the past plus everything in the future he does. If he sends you an email, I would first inform him simply that he should cease contacting you. If you have a lawyer that could send out a cease and desist letter, all the better as it's not coming from you. Save it. If he emails again, save, save, save.
Write down times and dates of phone numbers and if possible, find these calls on phone records. If he comes by your house or place of work, write it down. It is important to have all of this information so you can get a protective order in place since the first one was denied. I do agree about appealing though.
Leaving is hard, it took my mom 19 years of leaving and going back but eventually kicked my father out for good. It was the best thing she ever did for herself and for my sister and I. Be glad you're ending this before marriage and kids.
You definitely need a therapist and time alone to figure out why you kept going back to this type of relationship. You shouldn't feel guilty or embarrassed, what he did was wrong and unforgivable. Abusers are master manipulators but you need to work through your issues to help you avoid these people in the future. Abusers don't often like strong people because they're harder to break and bend to their will.
Abusers and manipulators have this 6th sense where they can spot and find weak points and insecurities in people. Even for a strong person it's very hard to deal with and to recognize. For someone maybe not as strong or self assured... well, it's a recipe for disaster.
Hang on and keep going. It DOES get better.
ETA: Even though he gave keys back, change the locks. Today. Tell management you'll be happy to cover the cost.
This.
Definitely record everything. Write, video, record voice. Having grown up with a mother who had to deal with an abusive boyfriend, who is also the father of my sister, documentation has been instrumental. Involve the police to get a record if he shows up and acts like an idiot. If you get flack, DO NOT GIVE UP. Be persistent in the fact that he is harassing you by getting proof, which is what these documentations will be.
If he tries to appeal to you to come back, please, please don't. It may get better for a day, a month, but inevitably he will slip back into his habits. Once a pattern is created in a relationship, it is damn near impossible to break. It takes two people to want to change. If only one person is doing something, no progress will be made. So simply keep yourself out of the equation by blocking his ability to manipulate you. How? Ignore him. Don't let him back into your life. And use the fool things he is doing to prove that, legally, he needs to be kept away from you.
Thank you all for your support. I honestly need as much as I can get right now.
I'm working with a women's shelter here to get a lawyer that can help me get a protective order. They also offer free group counseling with other survivors of abuse that I'm going to start going to on tuesdays.
I got all keys back from him and, knowing him, he doesn't have copies. When I asked him to make copies before for my mom he didn't even know where to go to get them done. I will still be changing the locks however. I also gave the office a copy of the police report and the apartment will be in my name only from now on. Thank god I got a new job so that I can afford this place on my own.
I work at a hospital in the ER and security (current police officers) have his picture and know the situation. He works at the jail in corrections so he thinks he's a cop, but he's not. He always would threaten that if I called the cops he would tell them I hurt him and they would believe him over me. And of course I fell for it.
The only thing I have to worry about now is the court date. The judge said he wanted to hear his side of the story. He started saying the day he moved out that he was moving for his safety, that I'm abusive. He has a great deal of strength on me, so I don't know how anyone could believe that, but I don't know. I'm all worried now because I threatened him once, a month ago, via text message and his mom said they were going to use it against me. The threat? He said he was going to start sleeping around in my home, in my bed if we broke up. I said I would beat any woman he brought into my home. Obviously I wouldn't and couldn't, but I still said it. He and his mother are both manipulators that have all these people believing I'm this crazy psycho who abuses him, when that isn't the case.
I just want this to be over so I can move on with my life to bigger and better things.
Left my abusive boyfriend
