How do you deal with the longing after a break-up? I want every piece of him back, although I know that's unlikely and I don't even know if it'd be healthy for me if I did get back with him. But everything I do makes me think of him, makes me wonder how he's doing, if he even misses me. If he still wonders about me. I'm sure he does; it's only been a few days. I don't see how you can just forget about someone so easily.
But then again, he stopped loving me (or whatever that was) pretty quick, so it just makes me wonder. I don't know what to do to make me stop thinking about him; I don't really want to. I really cared about him, and it just seems so strange that in such a short amount of time someone's feelings can change so quickly. I remember he used to look at me with such light in his eyes, such excitement. Like he couldn't believe he had a girl like me. And then, just with the snap of a finger, it all goes away. He used to hold me and go, "This is mine!" like he was a little boy on Christmas day. I could hear the happiness in his voice, see it in his face. I had never seen such a torn look on his face until the night before we broke up. Every day before that, there was light in his eyes when he looked at me.
How does that change? What could happen to cause that to change? Could something as silly as a broken sexual encounter cause someone to completely turn on you? It just doesn't make any sense.
From the classic Wayne's World, "get over [him], go out with someone else."
Seriously, how long we're you dating? Stop letting him live rent free in your heart and your brain. Go find a good time to have and dammit, live your young life. Someone else will come along and sweep you off your feet again in no time. And maybe they'll like it rough
Sorry about the break up. We all know how rough those can be, but we also know that there's life after an ex. Let yourself be a little sad for awhile, but then, like ghost said, let yourself move on. I love that line--"Stop letting him live rent free in your heart and your brain." Such good advice!
I'm going to link you an article from Jezebel that I absolutely love and always helps me when I'm going through the "WHAT DID I DO WRONG, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME" phase. Just a warning, it might be a little crass to some, but I find the humor and frankness just what I need at times like this.
Chin up, girly, and don't get too down on yourself!!!
It's really not even about the sex; I cared about that but not as much as him. I felt so differently about him than I felt from anyone else. For once, I felt like I wasn't being used. For once, I felt like someone actually cared about me for me. For once, I felt like a good looking guy could actually want me. For once, someone looked at me with desire that wasn't just the lusty kind.
For once, I felt like I was a human being and not a toy. For once, I thought I was going to get a group of friends that actually genuinely seemed to like me and care about me.
There was a lot of "for onces" that came with this shortly lived relationship, and it all got taken away from me because of one stupid, bad instance and I'm so hurt and pissed off. This one actually meant something to me. I felt meaning with this one. I'd never felt that before. Before, I was just going through the motions just so the guy would like me and I wanted a boyfriend. But this time... it wasn't like that. This time I genuinely cared for the guy, and not just because I wanted a boyfriend.
But of course, when that happens to me, it gets taken away because for some reason, the universe doesn't want me to have love. It may have been short, and it may seem like it shouldn't have meaning, but it did, and I was looking forward to having something that was meaningful in my life, and I am sorrowful because apparently I'm not allowed to have that.
You're young. You two hadn't been together long, at all. This is life, sorry to say .
You're probably going to get your heart broken a kajillion times before you find 'the one'. Maybe a kajillion and one.
You have to stop putting all your eggs in someone else's basket. They won't take care of them near as well as you can take care of your own dang eggs!!! Find your own happiness. The sooner you figure this out, the sooner you'll be content and happy in your own skin. At the end of the day YOU are your own biggest fan. YOU are your own best friend. NOBODY can make that happen for you.
It hurts, I get that. I've been hurt before. It sucks. Cry it out and move on. don't let him control your emotions. It's over, you said so yourself. LOVE YOU. Don't depend on someone else for love. If you learn to love yourself, without a man for validation.... Everything will be better. Trust me.
You describe feeling self-worth in your relationship with this guy, what I don't understand is why you feel it was due to him and not to an increase of self esteem in yourself. Maybe the feeling came from within, because you felt like you were worth more because of your changes in lifestyle and appearance.
I'm sorry but I'm going to have to be indelicate here: if this chap loved you, heck if he even LIKED you more than in passing one sexual encounter would not have changed his entire outlook on the relationship. That's the truth. Men who love their women stick by them even if she finds out she's HIV+ or if she has a double mastectomy and no longer has breasts or if she gains hundreds of pounds (I personally know 3 couples each with one of these problems, and guess what, the guys don't get mad or sulk, they redouble their efforts to make their ladies happy), if a man loves you he will bend over backwards to please you in the bedroom. The fact that he left you because he didn't like the way one sexual encounter went, and not even the first one so he must have had previous positive encounters suggests that, whether you could see it or not, he was using you.
He doesn't have the right to be in your heart and mind anymore, and you need to stop pining for a guy who doesn't deserve it.
You describe feeling self-worth in your relationship with this guy, what I don't understand is why you feel it was due to him and not to an increase of self esteem in yourself.
I almost never feel an extraordinary amount of self-worth on my own. It comes in bursts sometimes, but I never, ever 100% feel like I am worthy of anything. I thought losing weight would make me happy, but it hasn't really. Nothing I've done has made me overly happy unless I'm with a guy, and I don't really understand it myself.
INothing I've done has made me overly happy unless I'm with a guy, and I don't really understand it myself.
Until you can get this sorted out all of your relationships will eventually fail. How can we expect someone to love and respect us when we don't even love and respect ourselves?!?
I look back at that night and think of things I said and did that probably put him off - a lot. And they had to do with that very thing - my self-esteem issues. Before we had sex, we had just gotten done having a mini-argument that had to do with my body image. He thought I was perfectly fine the way I was, and I wasn't happy, and he wasn't happy that I didn't agree with him about my body. He doesn't think I need to lose any more weight, and when I told him I wanted to lose at least another 20lbs he sighed like he was frustrated with me. He couldn't understand why I wasn't happy with myself, and it frustrated him.
And then, later, when "it" happened, I didn't know what to do. I panicked. I kept apologizing over and over and he got annoyed and right before we went to sleep, I made the mistake of asking if he'd continue to have sex with me, which probably was a dead giveaway of my feelings towards myself and probably made him change his feelings towards me.
Which means that what you all are saying is right: I need to focus on me, and I need to love myself before I try to allow anyone else to love me. I just wish I knew how to do that. It seems like nothing I do is good enough to satisfy me, and I don't feel like I'm good enough to do the things that WOULD possibly satisfy me. It's a never ending battle and I don't know how to fight it.
And, seriously... sometimes sex is downright embarrassing and ridiculous.
If you don't have the maturity to deal with what comes with it, in a relationship... maybe you shouldn't be having sex with that person. That goes for both parties.
My first piece of (probably entirely useless) advice: Don't listen to 3 Doors Down. I do that EVERY time I go through a break up and end up in tears before the second track is over. Do people even listen to 3 Doors Down anymore? No? Yeah...figured that was less than useless.
In any case, time is your best friend right now. Your mind and emotions aren't to be trusted. Don't listen to anything your scumbag brain tries to tell you about it being an inadequacy on your part that caused this...it's lying. It's a jerk. You're a good person and deserve to be happy. Right now this seems like a huge deal, but a few months down the road you'll probably find someone else that can make you even happier, no matter how perfect your memory is trying to make your ex right now. That's another scum-baggy thing about brains...instead of being reasonable and focusing on how a person just laid a whole world of pain on us, they try to rationalize why the jerk was "right" for us in the first place...I don't know how many times I've had guys all-out sleep with my friends then sat sobbing about how I'd lost the best thing to ever cross my path. Months later I realize how flawed that logic is and that if they didn't respect me enough to keep it in their pants, they clearly weren't worth the time I invested in them...but it's amazing how everything is sunshine and roses right after someone's a d-bag to you.
Unfortunately some people just aren't as compatible as they seem. I've been on several different dating sites and ALL of them have immediately found one of my exes' profiles and told me to send him a message because their numbers indicate that we're a perfect match. Been there, done that...Dear emotionless robot doing computations: your numbers are wrong. It's especially awful when one person is clearly more invested in the relationship than the other, but try to remember that you deserve someone who's willing to put forth some effort and meet you halfway.
Take some time for you. Have some fun alone. Hang out with friends and giggle over cocktails. As hard as it is, try not to dwell on this and eventually things will start to look better.
Last edited by Hotaruchan; 07-24-2012 at 05:36 AM.
I agree that 1 sexual encounter/night won't deter a guy that is into you. The boyfriend I had before my husband broke up with me and I was hurt and didn't understand why he didn't want to try to work it out. We had been together for nearly a year. I also had low self esteem. Looking back, things were building that neither of us were willing to address and I almost broke up with him a few months prior.
Basically, it will be really hard for anyone to love you if you don't love yourself. I still have low esteem moments but I try to not get them tangled up in my relationship with my husband. No one wants to hear their loved one tell them they are worthless.
Besides my husband, that previous boyfriend was my only other sexual partner. With both of hem, we talked about what we wanted in a relationship, previous sexual partners, STDs, birth control and desires in a sexual relationship prior to actually having sex. It made sure we were both on the same page prior to entering a committed sexual relationship. Communication isn't always easy but it is easier than no communication.
Remind yourself of three things that you haven't really lived yet, but will:
1. You are always better off alone than with someone who won't communicate with you or treats your quirks or insecurities as a frustration.
2. As you grow, your relationships will grow. When I think back on the relationships I had in college and shortly after, I barely even consider them actual relationships. Sure, some people meet their spouses and partners young and it works out, but a lot of us have a lot of growing to do still. I include myself in that. You learn something new with every relationship, and this is just getting you closer to the right one.
3. You are not less of a person if you're not part of a couple!
I'm sorry to say that this was meant to be. You won't see it this
way yet, because it's fresh and it hurts but give it time.
I once dated someone for 3 months and he broke up with me and
I was completely crushed but I noticed as soon as I started to heal,
something changed within me: I had more self confidence and I knew
that I could find someone that made me feel that way and that it would
happen again because I knew it was now possible.
It's his loss, babe. And you will become stronger from this.
Just hang in there. Grieve the loss but for your own sanity, move on
and don't obsess about why. It just is. I wouldn't contact him. That will make your
healing time longer. Just let it go. It was great but now that part of your life
is done.
Focus on the positives that came from this negative experience.
Every bad situation has a positive.
longing...
. 
