I'm a 3FC veteran. I've been on and off the forum, and on and off the wagon more times than a struggling alcoholic. (A good metaphor, as I think that food addiction is a watered-down version of alcoholism.)

I've struggled with my weight my whole life. I can remember my mother walking in on an 8 year old me, staring naked, and glumly into a mirror. When she asked what I was doing, I remember asking her why only the fat girls in school like me had boobs.

I like food. ...No, I love food. Sometimes I think it's the only thing in my life that gives me real, genuine pleasure. I can lose weight, I've done it before. But to do so, I have to be obsessive. A very wise girl friend of mine pointed out to me once that I have no balance. No happy medium. I'm either bingeing on fast food, or obsessively counting out 1,200-1,400 calories a day. If I'm not being obsessive, I let myself get away with too much.

I haven't been on here in a while, and I haven't looked at my ticker or profile yet to see what my last weight was when I was here. But I do know that I've spent my first summer working full-time at my first real job post-college-- gaining weight. All summer long, I've fallen into toxic habits and laziness and a slight depression that is likely related to my diet, resultant poor appearance, low clothes selection and skin problems. (I've now looked at my previous weight and I'm now 20 lbs heavier than my last update.)

While cleaning off my computer today of unnecessary files, I found a bunch of random videos. I can be a bit of a camera whore, so I wasn't surprised to find stupid pictures and videos of myself. I opened one and it was a 140-poundsish me in fuzzy slipper boots, booty short pj bottoms and a tank top, dancing around my room like an idiot and belting along with a chick song. Can't for the life of me tell you why I recorded that, as based on the room it was in, the video is over two years old. But... Watching that video, my eyes actually welled up with tears. Because I looked so happy, and so pretty, and everything that I don't feel I am right now.

I'm not stupid. I can lose weight. You can hand me any food and I can tell you exactly WHY it's good, or bad, whether it's high in fibre, or hydrogenated fats, or even if the marketing on the package is bull****, because "low fat" doesn't mean they haven't jacked it full of sugar and chemicals.

But... for some reason, the mere idea of trying to get back on the wagon... strikes me as so mentally and emotionally exhausting that I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff strapped to a bungee cord, and all I want to do is take off the harness and go lie down with a Big Mac and my self-loathing.

Wow, I can really relate to what you are saying. Ever since I had my first child I have been a perpetual yo yo dieter. Everything you describe above is me. All or nothing! I am on the Ideal Protein diet and started 5 weeks ago. I have done Bersteins, Herbal Magic and (drum roll) Jenny Craig! I really hope this is my last one. I never have a problem starting or sticking with it....but eventually over time I start to over eat again. And then a year later....I start the entire process over again, except I am usually 10 pounds heavier than I was before I started the diet. This time I reached 182---my absolutely fattest. My only advice to you is to get back on the saddle again. Find a program that works and then do the maintenance (something I have never done). I have lost some weight (am now at my second fattest) but am feeling much better. My clothes are starting to fit and painting my toe nails does not seem so awkward. : )

I totally experienced the same thing! After gaining my freshman 15 (and then some), I took 2010 off my university degree to a) de-stress and travel a bit and b) intern for a bit.

When I left Vancouver for my internship (it was on the east coast of Canada) I was 150lbs. When I came back after 8 months... 169. Ironically, for the last 2-3 months of my internship I was running about 3km (just under 2 miles) a day. But I love to bake, and living alone in a city where I didn't know anyone meant if I baked a pan of brownies, I (and I alone) ate of brownies.

A couple of days ago I hit 172.2, and decided that I sure as **** wasn't going to see 175, and embarked on my first ever diet.

I think the key here is to not see it as a "wagon" so much as a lifestyle change. I mean, I loved that pan of brownies, same as I love pasta, and a sandwich with fantastic bread. But I also realize that I am not a teenager anymore, and my body isn't going to metabolize like one anymore either. It isn't going to chew through carbs and sugars to grow its bone structure anymore. This means I have to give certain things up and, if I want to be happy with my body (who doesn't, right?) I have to do it in moderation.

That said, again, the key here is to not see it as a "wagon" I think. I mean, I'm Atkins-ing right now, but, so as not to be unhospitable, I wound up with about a 110g carb day in Induction. It happened, I feel bad about failing myself, but as soon as I got home today I was back "on plan"; because it's not a wagon that I've fallen off of. Instead, it's like a street in a city. I simply turned off the path for a while, and now I have to work a little bit to get back on. But the sooner I start working towards getting back on that street the easier it is (it is, afterall, easier to walk one block than three.)

Anyways, good luck!

Jelbb, I know exactly how you feel. You were around the last time that I was really serious on here and with my weight loss....and I HAD lost 70 pounds, but I've gained 69 of it back. It's SO upsetting to be back exactly where I started, but at the same time it's so hard trying to convince myself to start all over again. The first time around I was so sure that I would never be this big again...and obviously proving myself wrong has shaken me up a bit. Sometimes I wonder why I should even bother trying when I know it will never last....

BUT...

The point is that we are HERE. We are on the forum reaching out for support. We are trying to live a healthier life, and even though we may slip up occasionally....at least we try.

I know that you can do this, just like I know that I can do this. It's not easy...no one ever said it was....we just have to find the motivation to get back on track for REAL. I think it's fine to start out being obsessed. I think that once our obsession helps us get back on track, THEN it will be time to try and relax a little bit. I hope I can eventually get to that point where I can relax. 150 is a LONG way away from 250. =/

What a beautifully honest post. Man, can I relate. Yes, I get it. It sounds like you know what to do. So, hop to it Lady! We are all here routing you on!

I can absolutly realate also, just in the opposite way. Growing up my mother never fed me or my sisters all we ever ate was cereal and diet coke, that was just the way of it. I didn't even know what a mc donalds was till i was 13. needless to say i weighted barely above 100 forever lol. then when i was 15 i moved in with my grandmother and found out what home cooked food was and gained 20 pounds, it wasn't bad though it only put me up in the 130's. Then i started dateing my now husband and over the course of like 3 months we ate out all the time and i gained another 60ish pounds. (that was 3 years ago) So for me i had to learn that not all food is good lol... and i'm still learning

Thanks for the support, ladies. It's always good to come back and remember the wonderful women who rock this place. <3

Hey Jelbb! Remember me? Yep, I'm back too. I know what to do, too! We learned a lot! Now, I'm back with my sweet baby boy, 30 extra pounds, high blood pressure, and a jacked up thyroid. :/ Here goes nothing!

Ahhhh, Heatherrrr!!! Welcome back and congrats on the little one!!!!

Two days in and feeling better already.

I think you nailed it on the head when you said you looked so happy in that video. Yes, losing weight is emotionally exhausting, frustrating, hard and boy does it take a LONG time - but the results are worth it. Being healthy is a lifestyle change, I would not want to count calories for the rest of my life and I would not want to feel like I'm dieting for the rest of my life either - I see that as living within strict restrictions. I want to educate myself on making the right choices because they feel natural to, because I WANT to change - which has surprisingly been the case for me since I started taking exercising so seriously.

If you have an obsessive behaviour, then maybe channel it into exercise. A lot of fitness freaks will tell you you have to eat MORE to fuel your body. That means eating 2000+ calories a day (in some cases) to keep your body going strong. Obviously 2000 calories of HEALTHY food, but still, healthy food can be tasty!!

For me losing weight is a confidence boost, it's becoming the girl I know has been hiding inside of me for so long. But it's about being happy, being content and not hating the body I'm in. But most importantly it's for my health. I still consider myself young at 22, but in time being overweight can seriously damage my body and cause a number of health problems that could limit my lifespan. That's terrifying, and I want to remain healthy so I can live longer and just make the most of life without any obstacles.

I'm sorry you feel so down and mentally exhausted, but I think with the right time to reflect on yourself - the things you want to do to try and lose weight again, then you can gain that motivation back.

Okay are we the same person?...

I feel you, girl! I am in the exact same boat. I am coming back to 3FC after a long hiatus, as well!

It sucks coming back - admitting failure and having to start over again. But it's the first big step! Good for you!

Let's do this together!

So...this is my first post ever on 3fc. And I just want to say, I'm there too. For as long as I can remember I have been overweight. I don't even have any videos or pictures of "skinny me" from once-upon-a-time because there's no such thing. I don't even remember when I hit 200lbs, in high school I was about 220, last year I was about 245, and gained 10 more pounds over the summer. I've tried countless diets since I was 12 years old, never sticking to anything much longer than a few months. Growing up, we had pizza for dinner once a week, Popeyes for dinner once a week, and a bowl of ice cream every night. My freshman year of college I never wanted to eat the cafeteria food, so I ended up eating pizza for lunch and dinner every day. Every day.

But now I'm on a mission. To get down to a healthy weight for the first time in my life. I have a long way to go, and I know the road is going to be hard (I'm already battling thoughts of attempting an eating disorder), but I have a group of friends around me supporting each other and encouraging one another to get healthy. AND for those of you with iphones or itouches, there are a few apps to help you log calories and exercises and set goals and limits, and you can view friends' progress. It's been super helpful for my friends and I to all be friends and be able to view our progress. And I always have someone to work out with.

Hey girl welcome back! I remember you from a year or so ago .

Keep that harness on and take the plunge. Scary? Maybe, but it'll all be worth it. And we're right here with you.

You CAN do this!

Jelbb! I was going to say Jess, because that's what I think your name is, but I can't remember for sure. It has been a long time since I've been here. I had my third baby boy in May 2010 and haven't been able to get on the wagon completely until this past week. You have always been such an inspiration to me since 2008 when I joined. You have made such an impact on my weight loss journey and i know for several other chicks here.

I am the same way. After I had my 2nd son, I was obsessive about losing weight. I started WW and did everything to the T. I exercised compulsively and I even started running! I was about 20 lbs from goal when I got pregnant with my 3rd. I completely let go and gained most of my weight back. After I had him, I was going through some things in my marriage and life. I took my children out of a terrible environment away from my husband and we tried to start over. I started exercising again. Then I fell down an icy hill and broke my left fibula. There went exercising. BUT I started seeing a wonderful guy and life was getting back to good. I got comfortable and my eating got worse (not good). I just recently started back on WW seriously after seeing my weight creep back up to 211. I just had my first weigh-in and it is down to 206.4.

Anyway, I'm sorry I tend to ramble sometimes. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I would love to just lay down with all my favorite bad foods and be all woe is me, but I can't. I am better than that and so are you. You are a wonderful, strong, beautiful woman and you can do it again. I would recommend trying WW. It has been my lifesaver. I know in the past you had a lot of foods you don't eat, like gluten...right? You can track everything you eat and veggies/fruits are zero points! For me, it is better than having a set number of calories and being obsessive compulsive again. We can do this! I believe we can!

I'm starting over again after losing weight, getting fit, and then letting it slip backwards almost to the starting point. This thread has been inspiring!!!