I did not go in to work this afternoon... instead I stayed home to stuff my face. I was going to start salsa lessons tonight, but now I'm too bloated and disgusting-feeling to leave my room.
I've had problems with this before, which never really resolved, I think I just had lapses of doing all right. I went to OA meetings in my old town but I'm not sure that's for me. Maybe I should give it another try, i don't know.
I think about food CONSTANTLY. while i'm doing something else, some part of my mind is usually planning out what I am going to eat next.
i don't know what else to say. I feel like I've tried so many avenues to stop this and I just can't.
Oh Iris, I'm sorry you are having such a tough day I know you don't really want to leave your room but I think you'll feel better if you at least go for a little walk.
Do you know what set this off? Was there a particular food that you thought you'd just have "one little bite" of? That what used to send me off the deep end - I had to learn to identify my trigger foods and just avoid them altogether. I know a lot of people like to say dieting is not about deprivation but in some cases there are just some foods that are better left alone. It also kind of sounds to me like the OA might help you, at least for a little while, so you can have real people around you to help you - we're here for you at 3FC too but sometimes a e-hug isn't quite the same. I hope you find what is going to work for you soon
unfortunately ANY food at all seems to set me off. Today I ate lunch as planned and then just didn't stop eating. I was up to about 170 in college and lost most of it by not eating at all, because i knew once I started I wouldn't be able to stop. obviously not healthy!
When I got back up to 140, I decided to try to lose healthily, which seemed to work for awhile but now I am creeping back up... 4 lbs in two weeks.
I have to drop something in the mail so I need to at least walk a couple blocks. Maybe I'll try going to OA again.
Iris, sorry you're discouraged. It's just too easy to let a binge session start, and it's even worse knowing in part of your mind that you're going to be miserable and hate yourself for giving in. Please try and find something to keep you occupied to where you're not by yourself and eating. Is there a friends house you can go to?
I wish there was a friend's house, but I just moved and I really don't know anyone here. I have met people, but no one that I am close enough to "hang out" with yet. I guess that comes with time - but being around other people DEFINITELY helps me w/ the binging. When my roommate is home I don't binge.
Do you think you were anxious about the salsa class and that triggered the binge? If your are in a new place without close friends, well, that does sound really difficult. Is there a gym or something nearby where you could meet some like minded people and have a "support group" of sorts? Just a thought......I don't know that I have any advice, I just wanted to say that I'll be thinking of you. You're having a hard time right now, so be kind to yourself and know that tomorrow will be a new day.
Oh Iris! Cyber hugs to you. I can promise that it is in fact possible not to think about food 24/7, but it is a difficult road. However....it is the most incredible feeling the first time you realize that the "possession/obscession" is gone even for a half hour. Talk about freedom! There is alot of good advice on this board- from OA to discussions about books like Intuitive Eating. I just know that from my earliest memory to some time in my 40's it was a constant. Driving down the road, wondering when we would stop to eat, afraid to say I was hungry cuz I was either fat or had just lost weight, then getting testy and angry. Stuff like that was constant, along with the hiding, and the avoidance of "life" that tends to happen because of our behaviors. Congratulations on even thinking about a salsa class. Hopefully you can make the next one. Maybe agree to go with someone else so you are "forced " to get out of the house. Just keep posting and I am sure lots of good info will come your way.
I wasn't nervous about salsa, actually I was really looking forward to it. nonetheless... i can't even pinpoint a trigger, other than the fact that I put food in my mouth at all which obviously I have to do at some point! alcoholism is in my family and I have only had one "tiny" bout with that, which i think is lucky, but food "addiction," which is really what i feel this is, is so hard because you just CAN'T give up food completely like alcohol or drugs.
I'd love to find someone else to go do things with me, making sure I'd actually go do them, but I figure the way to meet people here is to get out and do things in the first place, so thus far it's kind of taking me in circles.
I appreciate everyone's comments - i'm gonna keep trying!
I hope you are now feeling better. For me, I will go on a binge when I have feelings I don't want to deal with. Your post made me wonder if lonliness is a trigger for you? For me, I just try to stuff down that feeling with food and it isnt until I really deal with it and feel okay with whatever the issue is:stress at work, feeling lonely, etc, then I can not stop the binge. Becuase I'm bingeing to ignore that feeling. It sounds to me like you are trying to ignore a thought since it's not a particular food you are craving. Because I do that, I have to force myself to check in every couple days and just ask myself how I'm feeling. I've also started a weekly date with myself. I treat it like a date with anyone else. I DO SOMETHING that is fun for me and since I dont like to spend money. I allow myself to spend money on myself if whatever I decide to do costs money. It just reiterates the fact that I'm worth it. I deserve to go to a movie or get my nails done for no other reason than I can! Perhaps treating yourself would make you feel better! It gives you the time you might need to confront your feelings. I would also suggest regular journalling. Sometimes you dont even know what is bothering you until you start writing.
For me, I will go on a binge when I have feelings I don't want to deal with. Your post made me wonder if lonliness is a trigger for you? For me, I just try to stuff down that feeling with food and it isnt until I really deal with it and feel okay with whatever the issue is:stress at work, feeling lonely, etc, then I can not stop the binge. Becuase I'm bingeing to ignore that feeling. It sounds to me like you are trying to ignore a thought since it's not a particular food you are craving.
Wow.... I think this is very insightful. This is what my problem is too.
Iris!!! Girlie!!! You need to check out Kathleen Desmaisons books!!! Potatoes not Prozac and Sugar Addict's Total Recovery Program to name the main two! I have been working the program for 3 months and it has completely changed my life after 38 years of binging... Please Please Please just have a look!!! Especially since you have alcoholism in your family!!! www.radiantrecovery.com
I know you don't want to hear this however I am 5'4" also and you are now well below my goal weight. So, you must applaud yourself that you are at a good weight and you do not have very far to go to get to your goal weight. That is a very big plus. Having said that I know that it bothers you. I think if you try OA again, or if you have the resourses see a talk therapist. Rid you house of all "bad foods". Start experimenting with herbal teas, make yourself a different salad everynight, huge and exotic with all the new yummy spray salad dressings out there. The Perdue chicken short cuts on a huge salad with sliced avacados !!! While you are working on your obsessions, you will not have bad foods to "pig out on " Who can pig out on a bag of baby carrots? Go for it ! It will clean your colon at least ! lol
Seriously though, I live with a man who has alcoholism in his family, he can not touch the stuff because he will not have one beer, he will have 12. So he stays away. But he had to go for therapy for a while. See if you can talk to someone more on a personal level.
Good luck to you
Suzy
Hey Iris, I don't have any useful advice, I just wanted to say "hi" and that I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. Moving somewhere new and having to start over socially sucks!! It's really good that you're aware you have a problem so that you can focus on fixing it!
thanks all... bikini dreader, you're right on with doing something for/with myself like a movie, that would probably be quite helpful! sometimes i think i do binge to avoid doing, or even feeling, things that might be unpleasant. i think the most important thing for me is NOT to let myself be in my house alone.
Ravengirl, i read "potatoes not prozac" and unfortunately I didn't find that it helped me all that much. maybe I should check out the Sugar addict one, though. Thanks for the suggestion!
suzy, thanks for the comment about the weight - I know my weight is okay right now but I'm heading back the wrong direction. from 170 to 125 was lovely but now that it's piling back on I am freaked out! i DON'T want to go back to where I started. I did go to an OA meeting and I think I will go back this week. Therapy is not financially feasible for me at the moment, although if this gets worse I may have to try to find a way to make that work... possibly swallow my pride and ask my parents for help.
today I got lucky and ate both of my meals in the presence of others, so there was only about an hour that I was alone I had quite a bit more to eat than I should have - nothing much unhealthy, but too much in total -- two handfuls of almonds, 4 wasa crackers, a laughing cow wedge, a tortilla, some greek yogurt...it's a bit more than a snack.
I agree that seeing a therapist is a good idea. There are forms of therapy that can help you recgonise thoughts, thought triggers and how to change them before they happen.
I can so understand your frustration. Also something practical that might help in the short-term (if you don't already) is plan your meals and snacks. Big to you, you will find something that works!
food is controlling my life
Oh Iris, I'm sorry you are having such a tough day 
